please help me!

Sweetmoi · December 23, 2009, 3:00pm

Ok DA I dont know the full story, but tell me honestly .. this was a love marriage, you wanted to marry this guy? What kinda love was this? cyber love? where did u find him? Did u fight ur family to marry this dude or something? Didnt ur family investigate well before accepting? yahan kya ho raha hai?

Secondly, you mentioned you MIL says tumhe koi kaam nahin aata and beforeon she was very interested in your studies. U are an engineer MA. But tell me honestly, tumhe ghar ke kaam aate hain? Are you good at it? Do you give it your honest shot? Because a person complaining abt ironing clothes doesnt seem to be familiar with housework much.. so explain to me, do you know any housework or did u spend all your time in ur engineering books assuming your inlaws would make u sit on a throne? :) Because if you really thought so, you are a big fool.

You mentioned your MIL used to be interested in ur education and now she doesnt mention it. why should she, whats the purpose of mentioning it? Before she was interested because she wanted to show "log" ke unki bahu to mashallah se engineer hai, now she the logs wont come and do the housework, and nor will her praising your engineering do it. I think you need to leard hard facts, inlaws mostly are only interested in the girls education prior to the wedding and after if you bring big cash (not all, but some inlaws that is). After marriage most inlaws are only interested in how good u are in mingling in and doing housework. Your inlaws seem to be the kind. I think its sad that you didnt realize this in 6 yrs, yeh sab kuch to insaan ko kuch dino mein hi pata chal jaata hai.

sayyma · December 23, 2009, 9:35pm

Re: please help me!

before she was dying for him, now bcz of him, she really need to consult psycho

Disturb_angel · January 2, 2010, 8:07pm

Re: please help me!

now hamari baat kafee complicated hugayi ha.My hubby is not sleeping with me.wo neechay seperate sonay lagay hain.24 hourz mai aik jawab nahi detay aur na baat kartay hain.main yahan zinda laash bani hui hun but meri mama keh rahi hain k wait karo and compromise karo but HOW? main bohot tang aagayi hun yahan and yahan mera dam ghutnay laga hai ,aisa lagta hai kuch time mai i will addicted to medicines.Mujhay ab koi rasta nahi dikhta..kia karun..Itz my life biggest mistake.Waqai love blind hota hai.Agr us waqt dosron ki baatein samajh li houtin to aaj aisa na hota but ab kuch nahi husakhta na.yahan reh reh kar mai marjaon gi.mujhay hamesha k liye apnay ghar jana hai .apnay mama and papa k seenay say lag kar sona ha...Main thak gayi hun..kia karun main in tortures ka.

Reha · January 2, 2010, 8:22pm

Re: please help me!

DA, GO TALK TO HIM, THATS HOW YOU COMPROMISE. What is wrong with our desi girls and being drama queens? Kaunsi medicines? Kahan ki zinda laash? Koi bhooka marraha hai tumko? Havent you known the guy you married for 6 years now? How did you convince him to do things before? Why is it differnet now? Pehla qadam lo, baat karo, manao unko and see if things can work out.

Shaadi ki hai, khel nahin hai. The wedding seems to be stuck in your head right now and all you are thinking of. If you wnat your marriage to work, go talk to him and do it now.

redvelvet · January 2, 2010, 9:37pm

Re: please help me!

DA,

1) Tumhari degree chahay engineering main ho...ya medicine main ho...ya computers main ho.........ghar ka kaamon ki taraf bhi dehan daina chahiye.....varna ghar kaisay chalay ga? Listen sweetheart.........tum agar apni saas se door Dubai main bhi rehti......tab BHI tum ko ghar k kaam karnay partay. Ab safai khud to nahin ho gi. Khana khud to nahin pakay ga. Kapray khud to nahin dhulay gain. Right? Think about this.

2) Have you heard of the saying, "Fake it till you make it?" Tumhay thori si ACTING karni hogi. Samajhnay ki koshish karo. Farz karo k tum job kar rahi ho aur tumhay boss nahin acha lagta. Lekin agar tum boss k saath har waqt jhagray karo gi....to woh tumhay nauqri se nikaal de ga. If you want to keep your job, to tumhay apna behavior positive rakhna hoga. Aur in-laws k saath bhi tumhay aisa karna hoga. Agar MIL kehti hain k tumhay kuch karna nahin aata.........to phir tum MIL se kaho k woh tumhay kaam sikhadain. See what I mean?

3) Ghar k jo kaam hain.....un ka tum koi schedule bhi bana sakti ho. For example.....kapray is din dhulain gain.....aur khana kis din pakana hai. Tum apni MIL k saath bhi plan kar sakti ho. Keep your voice calm and try to discuss things. Agar ho sakay to tum apni saas k saath discuss kar sakti ho k ghar k kaamon k kya schedule hona chahiye takay tumhary liye thora sa aasaan hojaye.
**
4) ** Zara socho. Agar tumhari koi friend tum se har waqt life ki problems k baaray main complain karti hai.........to tum us se tang aa jaao gi. I know it's hard lekin jitna ho sakay apnay attitude ko positive rakho. Apnay husband k saamnay.....saas k baaray main itna ziyada complain mat kiya karo. Balke phil haal k liye mat complain karo. Aur jaa kar apne husband se baat karo......jhagra nahin........BAAT karo......araam se. Aur khud main thora sa bardaashth paida karna ki koshish karo kyoon k tumhari shaadi JIS KE saath bhi hoti....tumhay problems face karni parti. Har relationship main problems hoti hain, DA.

**5) **Pray namaz and turn to Allah for help. Ask Him to make you stronger and to give you guidance and to resolve your problems.

lipstick · January 2, 2010, 9:46pm

^ very well said. DA u really do need to calm down and not be so emotional about everything. u need to be practical. swallow ur anger and pride and try and become involved more with ur MIL and talk to ur husband as in really TALK to him. make more of an effort for the sake of ur marriage and see where it gets u. if nothing comes out of it then u know for ur peace of mind that atleast u did try ur best because at the moment it doesn't seem like u r trying.

snowy_winter · January 3, 2010, 4:42am

Re: please help me!

Since your situation is quite tough, I would suggest you two things. Whether or not you follow them is obviously up to you:

Whenever I had a tough situation in life, I offer 2 rakat namaz "haajat" i.e. two nafals with the niyaat that Allah help me solve the problem. You would be surprised as to how often that works !
Learn and recite Dua e Istakhara as much as you can. It really works wonders.

I know you may consider these things are cliché, but you know when one is cornered and there is desperation, there is really just one being which can take mercy on us and make things good for us and that is Allah.

Eye4Eye · January 3, 2010, 4:52am

Re: please help me!

Why don't you tell your husband to take care of his parents as it is his job not yours?

He's going to get mad? Boohoo. Tell him to get over it.

aahmed · January 3, 2010, 5:08am

Re: please help me!

Ok, I completely agree with PCG on this issue. While she has responded to the original poster's concerns with all the delicacy of a gang rape, I think the gist of PCG's message is right on.

ShimmerV · January 3, 2010, 11:37am

Re: please help me!

imature gurl caught up in a typical pakistani family :hinna:

Ma_Mooli · January 3, 2010, 11:39am

If i were you, Id pack my bags and go home and start again...demand either to stay in dubai or divorce.

You know you wont be missing much... by now you've come back to the real world hopefully. 10 days are nothing, wait a lifetime for him to change, and your head will be screwed for good.

Shak_killS · January 5, 2010, 9:24am

for first part, such things couple need to discuss between them, whatever the outsiders keep saying, have a common agreed response if hassled by others. both should be ready mentally to start a new family and kids.

It depends, If i am already well settled in Dubai i will make arrangements to have my wife with me. but if i am going on a first job, i will go alone first, see how it goes, then make it possible to bring over the wife as soon i can do that. I wouldnt try to take my wife to a new country new place and new job etc and may possibly struggle in start. looking at the posts I dont think he want to stay away from his wife all life and abandon her! she need to discuss with him calmly and make long term plans. she just got married and pressure is too much on her to mix up with new family, new responsibilities as wife and daughter in law. things she wouldn't have care in her parents house, she need to tackle those issues acting like a responsible person. that will not come instantly to anybody.

Shak_killS · January 5, 2010, 9:33am

nice one, have a start again and have a go for another 10 days and if that doesnt look good walk out again!!

10 days is nothing, she is experiencing initial married life issues, trust issues, both guy and girl were fine in a relationship, they are used to it. but this is different to live with him and his family hence the issues. let them sort this out. it may take few months, it may take a year. after some time all parties will understand eachother.

btw how many times did pack you bags in such situation??

system · January 5, 2010, 3:06pm

Re: please help me!

DA...i guess the best suggestions on your topic are given by redvelvet n psquared...

go through their posts again n again...analyze your situation...

currently you might see your situation ugly but it definitely can be worked out...just have a little patience...and act maturely...you dont have to pack your bags....face the situation n turn it the way you want....

Ma_Mooli · January 5, 2010, 4:54pm

....except this isnt an intial marriage issue at all, it is abuse. It happened before she was married, its happening now, and if she doesnt take any steps, it will go on forever. The only place she will have some leverage is from back.. and either she demand a change, or she can just grin and bear it.

queer · January 6, 2010, 5:47am

Re: please help me!

this is making me sad. didn't you even discuss with your husband about how life would be once married? didnt get to know your in-laws? 6 years - how?

Reha · January 6, 2010, 6:12am

Re: please help me!

She DID have red flags but ignored them and my guess is because of an impending wedding and all the excitement that comes from it.

Lusi · January 6, 2010, 7:01am

Re: please help me!

I just hope she logs off Gupshup after posting in this thread....

dolcevita · January 6, 2010, 7:16am

Re: please help me!

Ive never been to this section of Gupshup, its very depressing. So i haven't gone thru all her posts, but i'm almost very sad and concerned. Divorce is a big thing, HUGE.

DA sweetie, let me tell you very simply. You know back in the time when our mother's were newly married, I know alot of aunties, my mom, her friends etc. That got married, and their sister in laws and mother in law's turned total witches. They would manipulate the groom, and say exactly the same thing, kay is ko tu kaam kerna nahi atta etc etc. But One thing those aunties did, They quietly took the verbal torture, sweetie app ye socho, kay Allah will give you savaab, and Allah will punish them. Depression is haraam.

Please do not be depressed and do not let them get to know, which is very difficult. If your mother in law says. "iron these clothes, make **biryani! **do the laundry, clean this room etc etc your reply should be "JEE" and smile and do it. You will HATE IT, but do it. Your Husband will see that you are taking vcare of his parents, that they are making you work A LOT but you are not complaining, and he will take care of you. Tell him slowly, if he asks if your tired, say something nice, but do not whine or complain.
If he wants kids, talk to him, be like you want kids as well etc etc but maybe you guys should wait until you are financially stable and together, as it would be very difficult for you and the child to be without the father. And bring the biggest point, how will you raise a child alone, why does he want to miss out on his child life, the frist few years are magical. etc I do not want to suggest taking a UID or IUD or whatever it is even birth control as they all have side effects.

DA, you will have to be strong, be nice to them. Act very very very sweet to them, they will all respect you soon Inshallah and I pray that Allah swt helps you and gives you the courage to go thru this and the you get the respect and happiness you deserve Inshallah.

But First talk to your husband, tell him that you are sorry for your dramatic behavouir and it might be because you miss your home and you wanted a loving marraige and it didn't start that way so you panicked etc etc and be like you want to start again as you love him and want his babies etc etc etc I know it sucks that he forces you to have sex and although Islamically you are supposed to have sex with him, but if your husband knows that u dont want too and yet he still does it, then he will get gunaah for it. Just PRAY and PRAY AND PRAY and be happy, or at least act happy in front of them. Good luck!

dolcevita · January 6, 2010, 7:19am

Re: please help me!

btw those aunties who took the verbal torture from their mother in laws and sister in laws, who were much much much more evil then yours, TODAY their mother in laws and husbands worship them, I'm not even kidding. My mother told me, that when a girl gets married the frist few years the GIRL has to compromise, then for the rest of their lifes the Husband does. These aunties have RULED their husband's for decaded now, like their husband don't leave the house without their wife's permission and I've seen these aunties yell at their husbands to do stuff and to be quiet. It is hilarious! But their early married life stories, are horrible! SCARY!!!