What were you guys originally fighting about? Sometimes money becomes a way we try to gain POWER in the fight. You guys have been married for a long time so you have come to underlying core problem.
Men are pretty egotistical when it comes to money. I don't think he has his sight on the money but he is trying to win the upper hand by saying that "please don't think too much of yourself - if I didn't let you then you wouldn't have this stability"
I would tell you not to bring this issue in an argument again. You work hard and you need that stability. Somehow make him feel that you are working for the family and not for JUST yourself. (I know it's hard)
If he brings it up - try to ignore him and try not to ESCALATE the issue.
Just as you would like to have complete access over the money he earns, he too perhaps wanst to just know that what you have is his too...like njgal said, I don't think he's interested in having your money, just feeling part of your life.
We women like our independence, the freedoms that men have, to be at the "same" level as the man of the house, we like our guys to help us around the house, take care of the kids and be 50-50 partners...the problems start when we start defining territories.
When I used to earn, I had my husband's name added to my account as soon as we got married. He never asked me for my money or to give him an account summary. However, we spent bothour incomes as our own. A separate agenda can never be positive in a marriage, not that I'm implying that you are doing that...but maybe that is what he is feeling.
True, niksik, but his dhamki shows that he's not trustworthy. He could easily take the money and run, and I've seen it happen where men do take the money and run.
That is true PCG...it's hard to trust people these days, but solid relationships are based on trust and we have to make that effort..you can't be too careful otherwise soon you'll be just roommates.
only NJMASTI can decide where that level of trust is in her relationship.
Sometimes the "DHAMKI" part might be to scare her, rile her up or just get an upper hand in an argument.
Smart move would be if there is that level of mistrustin the relationship to put some sort of checks on her account where large transactions cannot be taken place without authorization from both parties.
wow its funny how every thread i come across recently becomes a male bashing thread specially desi men :D
khair, I do agree with the fact that when i marry someone, islamically as well as morally her happiness, well being and finances are my responsibility and mine alone, however i do wanna point out that here in north america a dual income household is financially stable and has a comfortable lifestyle, but even with that said i dont think any man should ever ask his wife for money, whatever she spends willingly is her choice and thats all she is liable for.
Meree sirf Allah sey itnee dua hai key kabhi meree honay waali biwi ko zaroorat key baais naukree na karnee paray, Aameen.
NJ
If he hasn't touched your money yet then you shouldn't be much concerned about it....make sure that he doesn't get access to your money, that's all. Arguing with such childish man would lead nowhere.
he has not touched my money yet...but the way he threatned me that he wants it all now... has made me super concious of what money can do to a persons intentions.
It was a very shameful event. Especially when he had been saying all this time that you are earning for yourself and not me.
yes I know him very well… He is a nice guy over all. However, I do not get along with him over the “savings” topic.
Let’s say if hubby were to be dead at this very moment (sorry but this is just an ex)… I would say that he has lived his life to the fullest WITHOUT any tensions.
Ye it’s possible that I could be part of his tension because I keep nagging him about savings.
If we ALL lived the way he does - like not worry about the future then I say hubby knows how to live a good life.
What worries me is that if I don’t have any savings then - I might end up being dependent on my son’s life in the future.
Why would I want that when I can think out smartly at this moment and let my son and his future wife live their lives!
I know I am thinking far out.. but those years are not that far… if I have no plan then I am stuck.
Perhaps he keeps his real savings stashed away in another account. Some men might do that. Especially, when they find out that they have married a money grabbing female who will clean him up later.
Maybe thats not the case here. People who did a lot of sound planning, lost a lot of money in stocks, real estate etc. some are homeless and some are bankrupt. The original poster thinks she knows a lot about finance but clearly she is clueless like most desi women obvious from her poor understanding of what equity really means.
I am sure he probably has stashed away in a secret account. However, he knows it VERY well that I have preferred to wear his T-Shirts when I was home and not working.
COMEON! Not every girl you see is a gold digger. I could have demanded a whole lot more... but I am satisfied with very little... as long as I know it's the right way to go.
What were you guys originally fighting about? Sometimes money becomes a way we try to gain POWER in the fight. You guys have been married for a long time so you have come to underlying core problem.
Men are pretty egotistical when it comes to money. I don't think he has his sight on the money but he is trying to win the upper hand by saying that "please don't think too much of yourself - if I didn't let you then you wouldn't have this stability"
I would tell you not to bring this issue in an argument again. You work hard and you need that stability. Somehow make him feel that you are working for the family and not for JUST yourself. (I know it's hard)
If he brings it up - try to ignore him and try not to ESCALATE the issue.
NJGal you got that right! Ego is the problem - he's got a BIG ego.
but honestly I don't even remember having any issue with him... it was just casual conversation and he just started demanding.
Any how, it was 2 days ago. We have not talked about any finances. so well, we'll see what color money will bring in my life! :)
however i do wanna point out that here in north america a dual income household is financially stable and has a comfortable lifestyle,
I totally agree, dual income is a necessity. I am willing to sit down and write up a plan on how much we can TOGETHER save per month... and how we can together work out the bill payments and all... but he is willing to have me contribute financially but he does not want to contribute his help to me in household chores such as / kids / school / clean up / laundry / dishes /cooking / taking kids out for play or for Sunday school...etc I mean the list is pretty long that I DO and on top of that I am willing to contribute money as well...
so don't you think a guy should be supportive in household work as well ?
Not saying you are a gold digger at all. Again, you have this vision of what the right way to go is. I am trying to give you a perspective that all the planning in the world can also put you in a financial mess. If you are in the U.S, you should know that even a 6 figure bank account can be wiped out by illness. People who bought houses, which is considered a sound investment by many, have lost their homes and savings due to no fault of their own. I am also not saying this should equate to no savings. If he isnt saving 20 to 30 percent every month, you should encourage him to.
Last but not least, be thankful for having a man committed to doing everything in his power to ensure you are taken care of. At the end of the day thats all that really matters. He is not obligated to fulfilling your dreams of financial stability whatever they maybe.
I am sure he probably has stashed away in a secret account. However, he knows it VERY well that I have preferred to wear his T-Shirts when I was home and not working.
COMEON! Not every girl you see is a gold digger. I could have demanded a whole lot more... but I am satisfied with very little... as long as I know it's the right way to go.
He is obligated to achieving whatever stability he can. When he squanders his money on junk instead of putting it away for his future widow, that's crass.
Ok .. i haven't read any of the replies so I don't know what others have to say about this.
Sometimes I think guys get used the comfort and money once the girl starts working. Even when you were working, I personally believe that a husband should take care of the wife. Your money could've used toward savings or investments for YOU. He shouldn't ask for it to contribute towards daily expenses. I've seen it that once a woman starts working, husband gets lazy and used to the money earned and spent by the girl. That is ok every once in a while but shouldn't be a habit.
You need to make sure that he understand that your money is your money.. not to be spent on daily expenses unelss of course your husband doesn't earn much and you decide to contribute. Even then he shouldn't ask for it.
Question... isn't your husband a doctor?
I am trying to give you a perspective that all the planning in the world can also put you in a financial mess. If you are in the U.S, you should know that even a 6 figure bank account can be wiped out by illness. People who bought houses, which is considered a sound investment by many, have lost their homes and savings due to no fault of their own. I am also not saying this should equate to no savings. If he isnt saving 20 to 30 percent every month, you should encourage him to.
ummmmmmmmmmmm - bigboy everything you said above seems right. Your very last sentence is where my problem began with him.. he does not save :)
because I keep nagging him about savings.