he didnt demand it but he didnt see the point in me NOT doing it. and i did explain to him that what hes doing is for after marriage, all the hard work hes doing, is for life AFTER marriage, and he wants things done from me BEFORE is not the same thing. he did see that and he put an end to the conversation and ws happy, he said he didnwant my mum upset or anything and he didnt say anything, he said ok never mind dont matter. so i was surprised he was ok i was epxecting him to sulk. and yes he did say that if im ill etc he knows he wont ask me, but its a general duty of the wife to cook anyway thats what i think he means.
and his parents are calling him back home, he can make good money there cos his dad is top dog there....and he has contacts, my fiance now has a masters from the uk, and his dad says that theres so many jobs he could get him there with good salaries and me too, cos im from the uk.
but on my insistence he is staying here for a while and doing a job he doesnt like just for me. so i do feel hes not as bad as i make him out, thats why i need to ask whetehr im just selfish or is he really an issue...?
but on my insistence he is staying here for a while and doing a job he doesnt like just for me. so i do feel hes not as bad as i make him out, thats why i need to ask whetehr im just selfish or is he really an issue...?
Your insistence of him staying here seems to be a lot bigger than his insistence for you to make him breakfast. Maybe since you've been living together for so long it already seems to him like you guys are married hence what's the big deal, right?
Ur fiance is here....but you said you will move to Pak?
and with every new thread of yours we a see a more closer and open relation to your fiance than u portray
And I have never seen any paki guy who manages to reach foriegn soil then thinks going back.
And GIRL this is A PAKI-GUY (freshie), They 'TELL' their wives not as opposed to the western polite ettiqueete of 'REQUESTING' what to do. HE will be doing this much more after marriage. U better get used to it.
I wudnt be surprised if you posted after your marriage somthing like:
'HE TELLS ME TO POLISH HIS SHOES FOR HIM EVERY SUNDAY'. What shall i do.
My fiance lives with us, hes my cousin, hes been staying here for a while because his parents in pak, and hes studying and working here. well anyways he wants me to wake up and make him breakfast, but my mum didnt like him sayign that she said we are not married yet and so she should make it and its my job, i know this too so i said this to him that my mum dont like it, and we are not married yet, but he said if you can cook me dinner or make me tea why cant you make me breakfast, whats the diff, and your gna do it after marrige...and that hes goin to work cos of me, ( he staying in uk for a while cos of me we going to live here for a while, and not go pak even though he could get a easy well paid job there, instead hes doing hard work here, only for me. .....i dnt know sometimes i see his point, but also i find it weird.
what do you guys reckon...its only breakfast, but its a issue now.
Seems like you got a lazy one on your hands huh? Living with relatives AND ON TOP OF IT - demanding to be woken up and served!
Doesn't matter that he goes a earns a living. He is staying under your parents roof.
Your mom is RIGHT and it is wierd. Your mom should say "barkudaar - I am not cool with this. aOnce she is your wife, she can do her wifely duties, but in this house until you have a nikkah you are living as cousins"
It's easier to become selfish when two people are keeping score of what the other is doing or not doing in a relationship.
I have a friend who was experiencing problems in her marriage and every time she would run to her two sisters and parents for advice. And while her family was supportive, they did more damage than good. How? Well, because her parents and sisters each had DIFFERENT advice to give her.....and that made her confused about how to handle the situation. Finally, she decided that she shouldn't run to get advice for every single issue and that rather she should try analyzing the situation on her own and dealing with it in the privacy of her relationship with her husband. And it worked. Because she realized that nobody knows her husband as well as she does and nobody knows the intricacies of their relationship (not even her own parents and siblings).
As mentioned earlier, you pick and choose your battles.** Gender roles in a marriage are not always black and white.** There is some blending, so there will be some gray. With the kind of economy we are living in....it may not be JUST THE HUSBAND who has to work and pay the bills. The wife might have to work as well.
A husband and wife relationship should also be that of a friendship. Think about your closest friendships. Do you and your friends have FIXED ROLES in the relationship where one person will ALWAYS be responsible for doing something? I don't think so. In a friendship, responsibilities are shared....there is no black and white. Right? Think about all this.
Nadz, I'll tell you something I hope you can implement. Men...please dont take offense to this.
Your fiance/hubby is like a drop of play-doh right now...and so are you. Each of you will mold to the others' habits and personalities to a certain extent with time. There are going to be things about him you will not like but will learn to maintain your composure because a fight isnt worth it on that particular issue. The same goes for him.
However, there will be times when you need to put your foot down...pick your battles wisely. By a battle, I dont mean go and fight with him and literally put your foot down. I mean, mold him so he isnt expecting things from you that you cannot deliver. You dont know how lucky you are that he is living with you right now! This is a golden opportunity for you to get him used to certain habits and responsibilities.
For instance, this chai thing. Why are you making dinner for him right now? Why are you cooking period for him? Is your mom's cooking not good enough for him? Its not his fault, you're the one setting the standard here, he is just going by what you're implementing. Get him used to making his morning chai himself. Its not zulm...you're going to Pakistan to live there. You have the rest of your life to cook, clean and slave after him. Why are you going to start prematurely? I really think you need to indirectly start training him so he can become somewhat capable of using the toaster or microwave.
What is going to happen when you have kids? You're supposed to look after your inlaws, kids and husband? Why doesnt he start cutting you a paycheck then? That way you can at least apply for medical insurance!
Nadz, this along with the other stuff u have said about him, not allowing u to wear jeans at all, making it a big deal that he 'allows' u to wear trousers etc. makes it seems as tho he is a bit of a controller. Of course they are all minor in themselves but all added together it seems a bit much. I mean if the issue was simply he wants u to dress more Islamically trousers and long top should be fine, I mean long as ur covered it shouldn't be a big deal if ur in trousers/jeans, should it? Sorry if it sounds harsh but I think it's a slippery slope, to demand ur fiancee makes u breakfast each morning before ur even married (and what kind of religious man demands his other half to wear hijab and cover up but has no problem living in the same house with her before nikkah?? He wants Islam when it comes to u but can't be bothered to follow the rules himself), to tell her what she is and isn't allowed to wear (tho he had no problem with the way u dress all this time u've known him?). Is he going to start telling u who u can and can't be friends with as well (I've seen this happen to others) and make u ask his permission every time u go out to buy some milk or go grocery shopping?? U seriously need to speak to him if u already haven't regarding his and ur expectations of marriage, could well be he wants u to change other things as well..
Regarding the breakfast thing like someone else already said when he brings it up tell him to pay ur phone bill, expenses lol and see his reaction, he wants u to act like the subservient wife but watch him balk when u announce u are entitled to ur rights too.
Read this book by Steve HArvey: "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". It covers some of what PSquared is telling you, you have to set your standards from the beginning, to "train" him well if you will. But not even about training, he needs to know what YOU expect, and what you can stand to do/not to do....upfront...before you blow your top off.
If at the end of it, he's not budging, I suggest you rethink if you can live like this forever.
Your 'religious' husband whos loves to thwart relgious rulings on you is breaking quite a many of them himself.
If he was so relgious he would know that...far from living in the house of his fiance, he is not even allowed to talk to you.....b4 Nikah.
Personally i think his fussiness is going only uphill, till u r his perfect subservient wife.
I think you should start being a 'fussy' wife to make it even, find out and demand all your wifey rights.
And u guys r not even married yet..
and he asks..sorry>> orders you for breakfast...
Next he'll be ordering you to bring him his shoes when hes going out....
yeah go and read post