Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
^ No you're right, every girl does want her own house. BUT...for the time you don't have your own place, being lazy, nto doing a single thing, (not pointing fingers here) or being generally bratty...thats a very immature way to go about it.
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
that should come from your MIL.. not from him but seriously, how could you do it?... like wake up at 11/12... do cleaning or dishes 'sometimes' and no no to cooking like u mentioned .... and then again sleep for additional 2-3hrs on top of sleeping at night? u r just lazy then. watelse do u do throughout your day?
... oh.. how long u have been married?
Maybe (unless shes already said it), she wakes up early and goes back to sleep after husband's gone?
When her husband comes home, I'm sure its not just lazyiness but she just wants to spend time with him...and wahtever they do wiht that time, its their business and nobody else's, not ours OR her FIL's to judge her.
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
^^I love my inlaws but I know for a fact that if I had to live with them, even though I will be extremely happy and what not, but STILL would not feel as comforable as I would in my own house. It's THEIR house, simple as that. My parents in law are the ones who chose it, bought it, paid thousands and thousands for it. My MIL is the one who rules the house and rightly so. Every woman's house is her own castle. Every setting, every small thing in the house is their choice and belongs to them. In a similar way, I would want my OWN home too.
^well said! I completely agree.
I wouldnt have a problem living with my in-laws if I had to but I would prefer having a place of my own that I can call HOME. However, If i do end up living with my in-laws... I would try my best to help out around the house and pray that they acknowledge my efforts and appreciate it as well.
Also I want to add (and i know I have said this in other threads as well)...
there is a saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder"....I couldnt agree more. Because things may look great before marriage with the in-laws but after you move in with them...the dynamics of the family changes and so does the relationship with each other.
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
Well being bratty and all is a whole different issue. But things like what sleeping, eating, etc etc are your own choice. I know that if I wanted to sleep 12 hours a day, I would not care a damn about who had a problem with it. Noone can get in between me and my sleep lol.. same thing with eating too. I am not going to tolerate anyone telling me what I can eat and what I cannot. This is not because I plan on being rude or mean or anything but because I am old enough to do what I want and noone has a right to interfere in such personal matters. This is where the whole freedom scenario comes in- even if you cannot afford a place and have to live with your inlaws, they should atleast respect your privacy. Fine you have to make compromises in a joint family system but there's gotta be boundaries on both sides.
Maybe (unless shes already said it), she wakes up early and goes back to sleep after husband's gone? When her husband comes home, I'm sure its not just lazyiness but she just wants to spend time with him...and wahtever they do wiht that time, its their business and nobody else's, not ours OR her FIL's to judge her.
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
I made sure my husband and I bought our own house BEFORE we got married so that I wouldn't have to live with them. They are really nice people and I really respect them but I just knew that if I lived with them it would ruin our relationship because I am quite set in my ways. Now my husband's brother is getting married and his wife will move in with my in laws and I wish them all the luck in the world…but I just couldn't do it.
And people in our community did talk and say to my MIL "oh didn't your daughter-in law wanna live with you…blah..blah" but she was supportive about it and was happy that her son was getting his own place, I guess it's not sooooo bad when you have 3 sons. It will be interesting to see how it works out when my SIL will live with them.
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
^While when the girls are growing up, they keep dreaming when they will get married and won't have to live by their parents rules.
And i am not bachi, i am bacha.
Chalo...mr. bacha if u r a guy than how can u tell wat girls feels?!? i m a girl n i know we dont feel like that (hai na ladliz!!!!)
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
Okkk so our parent's home, i suppose, aint ours either cuz its not done by us either (most of the time). I dont get this logic but i see it works for you girls so whatever.
And shay9164 mentioned how if the couple can't afford their seperate house and have to live with the in-laws...so isnt that than taking advantage of the in-laws? don't tell me thats your right than and its not their right to want their son and daughter in-law to live with them. Wouldnt they want to see their grandchildren grow up infront of them...and most importantly in abroad i think there is more need for joint families. Isnt it funny how the goras are thinking of joint families now and we desis are too up tight about it.
Now, what happened in amana's case is very different and in such case she did right in however she reacted and if they are there to stay for good than she has every right to want to live seperately unless they want to move their butts and help her out with the house work.
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
First of all, your post doesn't even quite make sense because frankly, you're talking about the 15th century when women just dreamt of getting married and had no issues living with the inlaws. wake up and smell the coffee- do a survey and you will see exactly how many girls today would WANT to live in a joint family system. Let me summarize everything I wrote before in one word: FREEDOM. Most of them today don't even want to obey their parents rules and you think they would be happy to move in with inlaws with who they dont even know well and will have no privacy with? IF a couple cannot afford to live seperately and want to live with their parents, there's nothing wrong with it if the parents allow it and both parties know when to compromise and what exactly to do. It is not about taking advantage, if your parents are helping you then you help them too. Nowhere in my post I was defending anyone being spoilt or not helping around etc etc. What I wrote was for those who are big talkers about why girls want their own places.
My MIL is so practical that it surprises me. Even before I talked to my fiance about this living seperately issue, she told him that as soon as you're married, you should get her a nice place wherever you want. My fiance is the most spoilt son you will ever meet, the kind where all he has to do is point at something and he will get it and is very, very attached to his parents and I always expected that we would live with the family. However, she surprised me to no end with what she had told him. And even he agreed. I get along exceptionally well with his family and we have both decided that we will live near them, possibly even in the same neighborhood. That way, all of us can visit each other anytime we want and when we have kids iA, I would most certainly want them to have the grandparents love.
Being the oldest, his mom is way too attached to him than any other of his brothers and even then, she was the one who told him to do this. Why? Not because she has issues with us or doesnt want to be around us or doesnt want to be with her grandkids but because she knows how things work. She is a VP for a bank and works long insane hours, sometimes she comes home really tired and cranky, and she says that she knows tempers won't always match. She herself lives with her mother in law (my fiance's dadi) so she has quite an experience with what it is like to live with your in laws and I am sure based on that, she knows what works and what doesn't.
At a khutbah a couple of weeks ago, I heard the imam talk about THIS issue very openly- he is an Indian Imam who thank God had the nerves to bring up this subject and make people realize how important it is for them to be practical and think BEYOND emotions. Yes, living with an entire khaandaan, a family with your grandchildren and even your great grand children infact would be awesome IDEALLY but can we be REALISTIC here? When people LIVE together, problems are bound to happen. It is a rare exception when girls get along really well with their inlaws while they live in the same house but even then, arguments and disagreements are bound to happen. Everyone is different and the personalities rarely match. Even in Islam, a husband HAS to provide his wife a home if she demands so. According to the shariah, she has NO obligation towards her inlaws, only the son does. Yes, she has to give them respect just like she would with any other older person but she does not have any duties to fulfil towards them except to her own parents.
And about this having 'rights' you talk about, inlaws can WANT their son and daughter inlaw to live with them but they also have to understand what the other party wants. If the DIL in law is not happy staying with them then they cannot be stubborn and force anything on the couple. Again, their son will then provide his wife with another place- it is her right. There is no clause in the nikkah nama which states that you have to stay with your inlaws or they have all these rights over you.
As for wanting their grandchildren or spending time with the couple, who said that cannot be done? It just does not have to be in the same house. The couple can get a house/apartment nearby, visit the inlaws and vice versa on a daily basis. I don't know how long ago you left west but your views about how we need it more here just surprises me more than anything else. Again, you're just stating things that sound very, very good but I am sorry, they are nothing realistic. Forget the DIL, even inlaws today want their own privacy. This is USA hun, most of the people have jobs and a million things to do here. People are more independent here whether they are 17 or 60. Unlike Pakistan where most elderly couples have no choice but to rely on their sons for financial support, people here have a much different way of lifestyle. And there is no need for joint families, what even makes you think that? And what about the girls' family? Wouldn't her family want to be around their grandchildren as well? Does that mean the girl should just move in with her parents? Or is it that the guy's parents have more rights over the grandkids and they should get to stay with them instead? Another issue being what if the inlaws have a big family and there is space constraint? But no, they should STILL squeeze into the same house because joint family system is just so great! Jeez. Alot of people don't own mansions or big houses where everyone can be comfortable. I mean this whole rights thing makes no sense. I have seen families here work things perfectly with being close to their families. Some live in the same neighborhood, some live within a few distance, some even live in another state- it's totally upto as you as a person to see HOW you treat your family. Just because a couple is living with their inlaws doesn't mean they are fulfilling their duties. There are sons who don't even acknowledge their parents WHILE living in the same house. And then you have sons who visit their parents every single weekend despite of being in another state. It's all about what kind of family values you have. If you care for your parents, you don't HAVE to prove it to them by living with them- you can do it in so many other ways if you really want to. A jackass will always be one and wouldn't care even if he was sharing a house with them. I am assuming you haven't dealt with inlaws of your own yet- once you do, you'll know exactly what it is like and whether you yourself want a joint family system or not.
By the way, do you plan on working around the house for your inlaws? And do you also plan on living with your hubby's entire family or is it just something you consider only the people abroad should do. If you get a MIL who's equally stubborn or argumentative and makes you do stuff around the house that you don't want to do then how submissive would you yourself be?
Okkk so our parent's home, i suppose, aint ours either cuz its not done by us either (most of the time). I dont get this logic but i see it works for you girls so whatever.
And shay9164 mentioned how if the couple can't afford their seperate house and have to live with the in-laws...so isnt that than taking advantage of the in-laws? don't tell me thats your right than and its not their right to want their son and daughter in-law to live with them. Wouldnt they want to see their grandchildren grow up infront of them...and most importantly in abroad i think there is more need for joint families. Isnt it funny how the goras are thinking of joint families now and we desis are too up tight about it.
Now, what happened in amana's case is very different and in such case she did right in however she reacted and if they are there to stay for good than she has every right to want to live seperately unless they want to move their butts and help her out with the house work.
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
Yeah… forreal, lets say the girl doesnt have any brothers, then what, oh b/c the guys parents are so much more worthy and much more valued and deserve more care, girls parents can just rot b/c hey they had the misfortune of having a girl. punks 
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
husband is going to live with me and my mom …problem solved, case closed! 
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
I thought by now you would have guessed that i was being sarcastic but 
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
Cant you read or what? Did I say we were bringing a maid? NO! So stop jumping to your own damn conclusions. She is a member of the family and yes she has dreamz and ambitions, and wht the f*ck does dreamz and ambitions have to do with cooking and cleaning? Geez some people :halo:
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
And the family should be expected to cook and clean for her?:halo: Wow great logic, I’m guessing you are def. not married nor have u ever lifted a finger to do ur own work.
Ps. Ok i just read ur last post and I’m wondering if u are joking or what :s .. well confused
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
sorry off topic but i have to comment.....
sometimes you'll find sons/daughters (ive seen mostly sons do this) that dont do a darn thing in their parents home and when they move into a place of their own they are suddenly taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning etc.
Maybe the same holds true for your bhabi. No one else is there to do it for her now....so she has to do it.
You are completely right. Actually even my bhabhi herself mentioned quite some times now in a joking sense "Pehle toh main 2-3 tak soti thi, aaj kal toh meri neend bhi buri nahin hoti" .. So she herself is very aware of her previous actions..
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
Wow. Thats just _____!! Sorry but dayum, i cant believe someone can be so manipulative. Your situatoin might be diff than amana's.... thas the thing, i believe its never always the girl or the susural, its diff from each situation.. so thas why some will say bad things to this girl and some will say bad things abt the in laws. etc
Well I dont think our case and amana's case is anything similiar. Because even if my bhabhi never did anything, we dont hold it against her as such. Nowadays she is taking language classes plus other classes and she brings my nephew at my parents for babysitting. My mum and younger sibling babysit them, for one simple reason, they are our nephews :)...
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
Babysitting is different than chores...but its good u guys dont hold it against her. :)
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
Thats right too, but when babysitting is 2-3 times pr week in 4-5 hours, I think it becomes a sort of "chore" ;) ... lolz .. jk
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
^^Well it just surprises me that you guys had all these issues with your bhabi that you're telling us here but during those 1.5 years, you or your mom never said anything to her? .. except that one time to hoover..? You could have asked her to pitch in one in a while to say bhabi can you cut this onion for me or can you do something small as this for me.. seems like she did enter the kitchen for the rice purpose so why didn't you take advantage of her being there?
I think that if her actions were offending you guys then maybe you should have sat down to talk to her or have your brother speak to her. She was at fault for not realizing it or maybe realizing it but not doing anything about it but still, if you don't let your problem out in the open, how would you ever get the solution for it.
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
^^Well it just surprises me that you guys had all these issues with your bhabi that you're telling us here but during those 1.5 years, you or your mom never said anything to her? .. except that one time to hoover..? You could have asked her to pitch in one in a while to say bhabi can you cut this onion for me or can you do something small as this for me.. seems like she did enter the kitchen for the rice purpose so why didn't you take advantage of her being there? I think that if her actions were offending you guys then maybe you should have sat down to talk to her or have your brother speak to her. She was at fault for not realizing it or maybe realizing it but not doing anything about it but still, if you don't let your problem out in the open, how would you ever get the solution for it.
Well lets say I'm the kind of person who likes to do my own stuff and like I mentioned before I was used to do everything and since she is elder than me, I never really made an issue out of it. Of course like any other human being I like to be helped out, but I would never creat a fuss about it. I actually really thought tht eventually after 2-3 months when she would be used to the lifestyle here, she would help out on herself. Unfortunalty I was wrong.
Of course my mum tried a few times to tell her to learn stuffs saying "one day you will need it. All girls need it" which she just nodded to and later on ignored. Now my brother works in his own shop, which means he has long days. Would it have been seen as nice if me and my mum kept complaining to him that "oh your wife doesnt do this and that" and thereby creating problems between him and his wife? I dont think so. We tried to solve it peacefully, but when someone simply doesnt wanna do anything, I dont think you can make them do it. It only creates bigger problems.
On the other hand today I think its her lost that she didnt help us out then. Cuz now she is too embarassed to ask for any help herself. (well apart from the babysitting or anything else which my mum offers her)And God knows there are many things to do when u have childrens aged 2 and 1 and pregnant with no. 3 :p
Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
well she was obviously selfish to do all that. but if she's not asking for any help then don't you think you guys should offer some besides the babysitting? especially when you can see her struggling with that many kids.