Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?
Either you didnt read my post carefully or you are just too ignorant when it comes to different opinions. I wasn't talking about girls, whom you call "15th century women", being ready for taking **** from their in-laws or if they even should take it. Just because i happen to have an
opinion different than yours that doesnt mean you start misinterpreting my opinion too. And don't give me this bull**** to give survey about what girls want...what majority wants doesnt mean what they want is right. And maybe its you and the girls you hang out with who have a problem obeying their parents and think that oh its so kool to disobey your parents. And for your kind info if any1 thinks its ok to stay with the in-laws if they dont have enough money to buy their house that its ok than you are really wrong and very selfish.
And not to mean any offense but i dont care what your MIL thinks or do...i don't know her and what her issues might be. So that example doesnt help a bit.
I agree that when you live with your in-laws there are going to be issues, problems and even conflict of interests. But doesnt that happen when we live with our own family too?!? It's just that at that time we don't feel it cuz we dont have a bias towards them which we tend to have for
our in-laws.
Shay, you better go and read the Quran before you go around writting what Islam says about a girl's duty towards her in-laws. I am not even going to bother commenting on your statement that the girl has no duty towards her in-laws. And as for your comments regarding my views all i can say is that i am better of with this so called old fashioned thinking than to be like you guys. I dont even think there is a point in having this discussion wth you know cuz your ignorance of how things work here in pakistan is really shocking. What makes you think people here have nothing much to do compared to west? and that is why they have a need for a joint family.
At end i would just like you to go and read Quran if you are really a practising muslim cuz you will get to know about all these issues and also that when a girl gets married she is bound to move in her husband's house not the other way around. So dont act childish by saying if the girl should move to her parents house for the sake of her kids getting time with their maternal grandchildren.
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*By the way, do you plan on working around the house for your inlaws? And do you also *
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plan on living with your hubby's entire family or is it just something you consider only the **
*people abroad should do. If you get a MIL who's equally stubborn or argumentative and makes you *
**do stuff around the house that you don't want to do then how submissive would you yourself be?
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Ok i feel like laughing now cuz either i write jubberish or you don't understand simple english. When and where did i say its ok for the in-laws to ill treat the girl and that if it happens the girl should just bow down and stay with them? Were you too blind getting an opinion different
than yours that you didnt bother reading my reply to amana?. PLus i said the western culture demands more for a joint family system than here in pakistan. HOw does that imply that i think joint system only implies for west?.
Now to your questions for me...i didnt use to help out at my home cuz i was busy with studies but now that i got free i have started helping out a bit. By the time i get married i will know how to cook n help out at home cuz i know i will have added responsibilites on me...even if you have maids in home you still need to know how things work to manage evrything. I am not saying i am going to take **** from my in-laws and let them ill treat me but if they are nice to me than i wuld be more than willing to help out at home and live with them all my life if everything remains pleasant.
First of all, your post doesn't even quite make sense because frankly, you're talking about the 15th century when women just dreamt of getting married and had no issues living with the inlaws. wake up and smell the coffee- do a survey and you will see exactly how many girls today would WANT to live in a joint family system. Let me summarize everything I wrote before in one word: FREEDOM. Most of them today don't even want to obey their parents rules and you think they would be happy to move in with inlaws with who they dont even know well and will have no privacy with? IF a couple cannot afford to live seperately and want to live with their parents, there's nothing wrong with it if the parents allow it and both parties know when to compromise and what exactly to do. It is not about taking advantage, if your parents are helping you then you help them too. Nowhere in my post I was defending anyone being spoilt or not helping around etc etc. What I wrote was for those who are big talkers about why girls want their own places.
My MIL is so practical that it surprises me. Even before I talked to my fiance about this living seperately issue, she told him that as soon as you're married, you should get her a nice place wherever you want. My fiance is the most spoilt son you will ever meet, the kind where all he has to do is point at something and he will get it and is very, very attached to his parents and I always expected that we would live with the family. However, she surprised me to no end with what she had told him. And even he agreed. I get along exceptionally well with his family and we have both decided that we will live near them, possibly even in the same neighborhood. That way, all of us can visit each other anytime we want and when we have kids iA, I would most certainly want them to have the grandparents love.
Being the oldest, his mom is way too attached to him than any other of his brothers and even then, she was the one who told him to do this. Why? Not because she has issues with us or doesnt want to be around us or doesnt want to be with her grandkids but because she knows how things work. She is a VP for a bank and works long insane hours, sometimes she comes home really tired and cranky, and she says that she knows tempers won't always match. She herself lives with her mother in law (my fiance's dadi) so she has quite an experience with what it is like to live with your in laws and I am sure based on that, she knows what works and what doesn't.
At a khutbah a couple of weeks ago, I heard the imam talk about THIS issue very openly- he is an Indian Imam who thank God had the nerves to bring up this subject and make people realize how important it is for them to be practical and think BEYOND emotions. Yes, living with an entire khaandaan, a family with your grandchildren and even your great grand children infact would be awesome IDEALLY but can we be REALISTIC here? When people LIVE together, problems are bound to happen. It is a rare exception when girls get along really well with their inlaws while they live in the same house but even then, arguments and disagreements are bound to happen. Everyone is different and the personalities rarely match. Even in Islam, a husband HAS to provide his wife a home if she demands so. According to the shariah, she has NO obligation towards her inlaws, only the son does. Yes, she has to give them respect just like she would with any other older person but she does not have any duties to fulfil towards them except to her own parents.
And about this having 'rights' you talk about, inlaws can WANT their son and daughter inlaw to live with them but they also have to understand what the other party wants. If the DIL in law is not happy staying with them then they cannot be stubborn and force anything on the couple. Again, their son will then provide his wife with another place- it is her right. There is no clause in the nikkah nama which states that you have to stay with your inlaws or they have all these rights over you.
As for wanting their grandchildren or spending time with the couple, who said that cannot be done? It just does not have to be in the same house. The couple can get a house/apartment nearby, visit the inlaws and vice versa on a daily basis. I don't know how long ago you left west but your views about how we need it more here just surprises me more than anything else. Again, you're just stating things that sound very, very good but I am sorry, they are nothing realistic. Forget the DIL, even inlaws today want their own privacy. This is USA hun, most of the people have jobs and a million things to do here. People are more independent here whether they are 17 or 60. Unlike Pakistan where most elderly couples have no choice but to rely on their sons for financial support, people here have a much different way of lifestyle. And there is no need for joint families, what even makes you think that? And what about the girls' family? Wouldn't her family want to be around their grandchildren as well? Does that mean the girl should just move in with her parents? Or is it that the guy's parents have more rights over the grandkids and they should get to stay with them instead? Another issue being what if the inlaws have a big family and there is space constraint? But no, they should STILL squeeze into the same house because joint family system is just so great! Jeez. Alot of people don't own mansions or big houses where everyone can be comfortable. I mean this whole rights thing makes no sense. I have seen families here work things perfectly with being close to their families. Some live in the same neighborhood, some live within a few distance, some even live in another state- it's totally upto as you as a person to see HOW you treat your family. Just because a couple is living with their inlaws doesn't mean they are fulfilling their duties. There are sons who don't even acknowledge their parents WHILE living in the same house. And then you have sons who visit their parents every single weekend despite of being in another state. It's all about what kind of family values you have. If you care for your parents, you don't HAVE to prove it to them by living with them- you can do it in so many other ways if you really want to. A jackass will always be one and wouldn't care even if he was sharing a house with them. I am assuming you haven't dealt with inlaws of your own yet- once you do, you'll know exactly what it is like and whether you yourself want a joint family system or not.
By the way, do you plan on working around the house for your inlaws? And do you also plan on living with your hubby's entire family or is it just something you consider only the people abroad should do. If you get a MIL who's equally stubborn or argumentative and makes you do stuff around the house that you don't want to do then how submissive would you yourself be?
