Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Lifestyle Relationships
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I recently got married (love marriage) and i live with my in-laws…i used to visit them before i got married to their son…they seemed really nice to me…even now they’re alright but sometimes my mother-in-law and father-in-law drags this cooking topic…saying such things like oh we’re gonna take an retirement…now u’ll handle the kitchen and all…(i dunno how to cook or anything as of now)…Why all the desi in-laws have such low mentality dat as soon as they get a bahoo in the house just start acting as if they’re soooo old now and expect her do all the work…i’ve always been really pampered by my mother, she never took any house work from me… and just because i live w/ in-laws doesn’t mean it’s my DUTY to cook for the entire family…i came here in the age of 8 and i’m 23 now, i don’t want to live a typical house-wife life… and i dont feel so uncomfortable living with my in-laws, of course as we all know living separately gives u a lot of privacy and u can rule in ur house…wut should i do??? Any suggestion plz?

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

can your in-laws be ur REAL parents?? i hope not..cuz tht would be gross..
but yes they can take a role as ur parents only if u treat them like ur real parents.

Minister Zulfiqar mirza resigns! And makes serious allegations on Altaf Hussain
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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

I think that if you have a positive attitude toward them...things can turn out to be pretty positive. Try looking at this cooking thing more positively...don't say no to it right away....they could just be saying it right now....don't have to do it.

I used positive way too many times...

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Them expecting you to cook is not too much to ask for. I think you're making an issue out of nothing. Just because you never cooked before doesnt mean you shouldnt have to cook ever. Marriage comes with responsibilities. And if you're living with your in-laws, then the least you can do is cook for the entire family. If you look at it from their perspective, why should they have to cook for your husband then if you're there?

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Grow up girl and start taking responsibilities. Welcome to real life :biggthumb

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Learn to cook.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Tell them to start looking for a place in nursing home.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

I agree with Sabriya...I think marriage does come with a lot of resoposibility. Look at it this way, even if you move out you'll still have to cook for your husband and yourself (unless you guys plan on eating out everyday), but even then you'll have to learn how to cook sometimes in your life. So if you're are gonna cook for your husband and yourself then it doesn't hurt to cook for 3-4 people more. I think it's important that we look at our in-laws like our parents because when your mom gives you some responsibility you don't try and run away from it or say you're gonna move out (at least i don't). When if my mom criticize me, yells at me, or stops me from doing anything, I still love her to death, and I think we all should behave the same with our in-laws as well. Try cooking for them from your heart and i am sure it will only make you happy. As far as the issue of privacy is concerned, I think there is no better joy than living with a whole family rather then just your husband.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

If you recently got married then it is unfair for them to hint that you should start cooking and all. I am sure they are not THAT old that they just can't do anything anymore. If they know that you do not know how to cook or that your parents have pampered you alot then they should be more understanding and give you time to come around. Do you help them around the house, i.e, you MIL in the kitchen? By the way, what does your hubby think about it?

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

THANK YOU! At least one person understands how i feel...above ones will understand it if they go through it!!! It’s not abt getting hurt to cook for 3-4 ppl extra. Why can the MIL or FIL think dat way..dat if the food is being cooked for the sons, the daughters, husband...is it going to hurt to cook for 1 extra person in the house rather then expecting the baho can do all the cooking from now on!

I do help around my MIL, like i wash dishes; help cleaning sometimes...My hubby doesn't expect me to cook at all...as long as i respect his parents! He knows it well his sisters were pampered by his mom so he exactly understand where i'm coming from...its just my MIL/FIL having too much expectation from me.

sometimes when my husband comes home from work...he likes taking nap for 2-3 hrs...so i would sleep too...then i get to hear things from my FIL like "you wake up 11/12 in the morning how can u go back to sleep again" and trust me dat sounds so rudeeeee...but i don't say anything back to him...just ignore it

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

I think that if you recently got married then they should be a little more accomodating and understanding than just saying OH why dont you do this or that or you sleep late, etc etc.. that just makes it seem like as if they were waiting for their son's wife to come and just take over like a super bahu. I hate that kind of desi mentality where women think that just because their sons are getting married, they are now entitled to a personal slave.. and it pisses me off even more when the same mothers spoil their own daughters rotten and not let them do anything. I am sure your MIL isn't like that and it's good that you are respectful towards them. Just keep helping around and if they say anything, just say that you're still learning. They can't force you to cook especially if you do not know how to. Yes, you have to learn responsibility eventually but not with so much pressure right after you're married. It's good that your hubby supports you, if it gets worse for you, have him explain to them that you'll learn with time and to give you some space.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Its better to work around this problem right from the beginning. Tell your hubby about it and tell your MIL/FIL tat you are not their cook. Rather its your husband's duty to provide everything for you, even a cook if you don't know how to do it.

As far the sleeping thing, tell your MIL/FIL its my life and i'll sleep the whole day if i want to. Its also better to start talking to your husband about moving out, coz things will keep getting worse with time. There is a saying that , "Lar bhar ker alehda honey sey behter hai, key aram sey alehda ho jaoo."

* IF ABOVE PERSON SAY I LOVE U *
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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

I would seriously love to move outttt, but its not dat easyyy! The reason why i don't want to talk abt all this w/ my hubby cuz ino he'll straight go up to his parents and tell them she is not going to cook unless she wants to....but then i'll really become the bad one in their eyes, especially when i have to face them all day. While my husband is at work...i guess its going to just make things worse....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i just don't know how to deal with it :(

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Be strong, nothing comes easy in life.

Just tell your MIL that you don't know how to cook and you are not interested in learning, and don't expect me to cook. Say that when your husband is at work, in this way, you will not have to talk to your husband, rather your MIL will tell your husband that Bahoo is saying so and so. If your husband then talks to you, then you can bring up the subject of moving out.

They expect you to cook for them now when they are okay, imagine few years from now, if they get some disease or ailment, you will be left to take care of them.

Bond between Allah and Banda.
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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

How very awesome.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Sum things you just have to do for the love of u're husband Mano, perhaps they're just tired of cooking for so many years and need a change? It's not wrong of them to ask you to cook..cook on certain days and let u're MIL cook sum days. And if u want to live a peaceful n happy life then compromise is best option. You shud'nt make issues out of such petty stuff. It takes hardly 30-40 mins to cook! And moreover, it's the best time to learn cooking =)

Even if you decide on moving-out, you wud have to do all the cooking..

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

hi mano and everyone..

inshallah im getting married this yr and will b moving in with my in laws hes the only boy and has to younger sisters... to be honest i would never mention 'getting my own place' yes i can understand that families have dramas but thats wot makes life interesting! i cant imagine having my own place with no ronak..i think parents are a blessing also i have a brother so i reli hope wen his wife comes to my hs she luks after my parents (not as a slave) but jus helps them out in their old age..so wen i get married i have to follow my own rule and inshallah luk after his parents...

alhamdulilah i love doing jobs in the house, cleaning, washing ironing but the only thing i cant do is cooking!! iv told my mother in law already and iv sed i will inshallah try and learn in time...and i added that my fiance only likes his mums cooking so wots the point of learning now?? my mother in law laughed...so personally i think its about saying the right thing in the right way... i no my in laws will expect me to cook and inshallah in due time i will learn, my plan is to follow my mother in law around and pick up on things...

remember the more u respect his parents the more theyl respect u...never say 'no' they hate that! trust me...be nice and positive...but that dsnt mean they shud take advantage...if u cant do sumthing, say so but also say inshallah soon..so they no that atleast ur trying..

meri behen life is not easy...esp for girls, so b strong, dont let comments get to u..all they do is make u feel bitter inside...try to laugh things off..trust me its better for u! and jus try... inshallah Allah tala will make life easy for u...

sorry if i sed nething that annoyed u! its just my opinion...pray for me also..i no its easy to say things only the person going thru it knows how it feels...

xxx

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Living with your in laws is a real eye opener - be it straight after your marriage or years after!

My MIL recently has come to live with us - initially for 6 months but will then get a permanent Visa (insha allah).

I work Full Time and she is staying with us 100% even though she has a daughter and son in the same city here. Now I don't mind that, but whilst me and hubby are out at work, she goes over to SIL's place, where she helps out and cooks for her etc - even though SIL lives with her in laws!!!
YET - I have to come home and straight into the kitchen after a quick shower and change! She does come into the kitchen and help, but it's a real 90/10 split!

At the weekend she tells her daughter to "aram kar" yet quite happily watches me slave away on the house from 7am!

What I'm trying to get at, is that parents expect different things for their daughters and daughters in law - and whilst there probably are hundreds of good in laws, there are twice as many who think that the daughter in law should be this that and the other. BUT how many of them are actually just living up to the stereotype?

Sorry can't help much more, just trying to say that it's nothing you have done or can do - it's just one of those things..............

May Allah continue to give you sabr, and the hidayat to continue respecting them.

Can you see the image in the stereograms I have made?
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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Bull****!

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

wow some interesting views i read here...

I am not married so i dont have hands on experience but from what i have seen around i would say that both sides have to adjust to make marriage work. When you get married things change and you cant lead your life the same way you lead as a bachelor/bachelorette. I agree that all those taunts must be getting to you and rightly so. The only thing you can do about is establish a healthy and comfortable relationship with them first and than let them know how you feel about it. But don't get that on your head...just think about it...there must have been instances where your parents or someone from your immediate family must have taunted you for your sleeping habbits or anything. I know its easy said than done but i think doing this will save you lots of trouble in future.

IF you MIL cooks and now expects you to cook for the family...i think its perfectly fair if they dont have a cook appointed for the job already. Ofcourse if you just got married a month ago than she is being not very considerate towards you. But maybe her fear could be that you will get use to of not having to do much at home? lol....

But i do agree that its so hypocrate when we have expect things from our DIL's which we wouldnt want our daughter to go through. Thats sad and it works both ways as in DIL's wanting full privacy for themselves and would do anything to live seperately but when it comes to their own brother they would ***** about their bhabis if they also want to move out. It's a sad world.