Re: Why don’t women like Mama’s Boys?
. . . and this thread clearly shows that girls these days are learning nothing from ‘kiyon ka saas bhee kabhi bahoo thee’ . . . come on ladies . . . step up your game a bit . jeez . . . losers 
Re: Why don't women like Mama's Boys?
No one would like 3rd person to get involved in decision making. It should remain b/w husband and wife so girls understandably don't like "mama's boys" but also I think issue is normally blown up by girls. I have seen wives taking "mashwara" with their mothers on internal matters but then they call it "mashwara" but when guy does it, he is a mama's boy ....
talk of double standards....
Re: Why don't women like Mama's Boys?
I can't wait for all these women to have children and see how their future daughter in laws ***** at them and about them. What goes around ladies definitely comes around.
Most parents dont expect and ask for much, never throw their sacrifices in your face. In my case a great part of my life does revolved around them, their wellbeing, their mental comfort, their happiness. I dont see my liofe as an island where I am making decisions which are good for me and others are a secondary consideration each time. I do see people around me and that they prioritize things differently, but thats not me. maybe that makes me a mamas or daddys boy but I feel that I have a responsibility towards them, just like I have a responsibility for my wife and kids and siblings, their wellbeing is important to me. someone being an individual does not mean being an island, there are different expressions of individuality.
I do not undertstand why ppl have so much drama in their lives. my parents live with me for extended periods of time, just this year they were with me for 5 months, no issue, yes you have to accomodate more, but its just like we had to alter things when we got married, or we had kids, or whaetver, just realizing that decisions have impact on other people too and to factor that in place, sometimes making different types of plans, altering activities, or what we do in free time etc etc.
but really, is that such a big deal?
and no, i do not believe I can care for my parents as well when they are a thousand miles away. not even close. as they become older, proximity is critical.
I am not trying to paint myself as some goody two shoes guy, but explaining that individuality does not mean that the collective has no value, I find my individuality as a key part of my family and friends. This was something that was established before begum and i got hooked up, and its not just for my folks, her folks can come and live with us for as long as they like or forever, the inconveniences that reduced personal space or factoring additional ppl impact on decisions is significantly outweighed by having their blessings with us and for our kids.
PS: and no my wife is not forced to or expected to do their laundry, clean their bathroom or their room, they manage, along with help from cleaning lady who comes in once a week and myself.
soooooo refreshing to read this. bravo.
the problem is guys don't know how to treat both mother and wife equally. They're stuck in between two people they love. They know if they favor wife, mom will get upset and vice versa. If only man could understand how to go about keeping both happy, then there would be no jealousy from either side. And women don't like any outsider intervening in their decisions, even if it's ur saas. You don't see father-in-laws coming in between a married couple, so MIL's just need to learn that it's okay to let their sons go, land et them be happy with their wives. Sons at the same time, should always remember to visit their mothers, call her, make her feel important, so there are no complaints from the mother. And wives should understand this and realize it's important for son and mother to bond as well.
Most parents dont expect and ask for much, never throw their sacrifices in your face. In my case a great part of my life does revolved around them, their wellbeing, their mental comfort, their happiness. I dont see my liofe as an island where I am making decisions which are good for me and others are a secondary consideration each time. I do see people around me and that they prioritize things differently, but thats not me. maybe that makes me a mamas or daddys boy but I feel that I have a responsibility towards them, just like I have a responsibility for my wife and kids and siblings, their wellbeing is important to me. someone being an individual does not mean being an island, there are different expressions of individuality.
I do not undertstand why ppl have so much drama in their lives. my parents live with me for extended periods of time, just this year they were with me for 5 months, no issue, yes you have to accomodate more, but its just like we had to alter things when we got married, or we had kids, or whaetver, just realizing that decisions have impact on other people too and to factor that in place, sometimes making different types of plans, altering activities, or what we do in free time etc etc.
but really, is that such a big deal?
and no, i do not believe I can care for my parents as well when they are a thousand miles away. not even close. as they become older, proximity is critical.
I am not trying to paint myself as some goody two shoes guy, but explaining that individuality does not mean that the collective has no value, I find my individuality as a key part of my family and friends. This was something that was established before begum and i got hooked up, and its not just for my folks, her folks can come and live with us for as long as they like or forever, the inconveniences that reduced personal space or factoring additional ppl impact on decisions is significantly outweighed by having their blessings with us and for our kids.
PS: and no my wife is not forced to or expected to do their laundry, clean their bathroom or their room, they manage, along with help from cleaning lady who comes in once a week and myself.
That's a pretty nice read but what does it have to do with my post?
I'm talking about a section of people who belong to the school of thought completely different than what you or your parents are like.. basically, parents who don't let their kids live their lives in peace and this whole attitude of 'we are gonna get a bahu from Pakistan who will come take care of US', not, let's see if she's good for our son and compatible for him. The whole rishta is based along the lines of how good she will prove to be when it comes to taking care of his entire family. Seriously, is that how desi people should even be thinking? She's not your servant. If your DIL wants her privacy, what's the issue? If parents are going to be overbearing and act all OCD with their kids, there will always be issues. The point here is to know how to keep a balance. Our relationships with our parents are so valuable, and so is the bond with wife and kids. It's just a matter of knowing how to keep both parties happy. Parents clinging to their sons as if his wife shouldn't even matter is ridiculous. Some of them really need to realize when to take a backseat, and same goes for the wife. Again, I am talking about the parents who DO that. Not everyone in general. I have seen the best of marriages go sour because of this whole interference from the parents. It sucks to be the son in these situations because you're caught in the middle. Why would there be ANY drama if both the wife and parents can understand their roles in the guy's life and be more reasonable? His duty is towards both the parties, one trying to win over the other is what starts all the problems.
As for being thousands for miles away, I said you can live far but still be an obedient son, not talking about the taking care aspect, which pertained to someone here saying 'May be I am selfish, but how about those one willing to leave us for new life?' Your son and his wife are starting a new life, not abandoning you, why can't you be supportive?? In many families, as soon as the son moves away with his wife, it's looked upon as, what a horrible son, couldn't even live in the same house with his parents, the wife must have made him do this, he's whipped. For instance, if my husband has to move away for work far from his parents, I can tell you that atleast 5 people in his community will talk trash about it. I don't think distance decreases love or obedience for your parents. I dormed 10 hours away from my house, did I become a bad daughter by doing that? I don't think so. If anything, being away and missing my parents so much more made me realize their worth.
It's a different story when your parents are ageing and need you, then it IS your obligation to take care of them and provide for them.
loll @ star plus and pathetic Indian dramas.. i set up without hooking up Indian dramas 
Re: Why don't women like Mama's Boys?
I can see the argument from both sides if I'm honest. Yes, no parent wants to 'lose' their son but then no wife wants to marry a man who can't do anything without his mummy by his side.
Many Asian parents have this view that they brought kids in to this world, they fed them, they clothed them, they gave up so much for them and for those reasons these kids will always be in debt to them. That's wrong. Yes, your child has a duty to look out for you when he/she is married, but you are not their one and only concern.
Its like two extremes, most goreh kids want to cut the apron strings when they get married and their parents are usually happy for them to do this as they too like their independence, but with most asian parents there seems to be the attitude that you have to hold on to your sons for dear life or the daughter in law might get her claws in to him!! I've seen it happen.
On the flip side there are women out there who don't play with their children's emotions. There is enough love, time and attention for everybody. You do not need your daughter in laws share, and she does not need yours!
I can't wait for all these women to have children and see how their future daughter in laws ***** at them and about them. What goes around ladies definitely comes around.
Instead of encouraging a stop to all these negative familial behaviors, you men think its an entertainment show.
So, the show must go on?
I can't wait for all these women to have children and see how their future daughter in laws ***** at them and about them. What goes around ladies definitely comes around.
Calm down. No one is *****ing at or about MILs.
It is important for us women to raise the kids specially the boys in a way so they grow up as "men" who don't need to hide behind a woman whether it's their mother or wife.
Re: Why don't women like Mama's Boys?
You know, here's the thing.
Times are changing, and DIL's and MIL's are faced with new challenges. Back in the pind, the girl was local and so making a move to the in-laws house wasn't a big logistical nightmare, and furthermore, living with the in-laws was cheaper than getting a place of your own. Often the boy would inherit a living place or inherit/earn enough to eventually get a place of their own. This takes a lot of burden off things. The couple can be married and supported by FIL and MIL while husband is still finishing up school or in training/apprenticeship, whatever.
There is a boatload of families growing up in a different env't these days.
Families abroad are spread apart - living in different states, cities, countries. So, now the girl doesn't move from Bandar Road to Clifton within Karachi. She moves from California to New York. She no longer is a stay-at-home wifey (maybe post-BA or BS or something). She's now a working professional or a student still in college or professional school. Now, not only is she moving across country - she has to move jobs, or move schooling. Which means applications for transfers. Which means, you might not get a job or be able to continue schooling when you move, or maybe you can work it out.
What if you have a family (seen this all the time), where the guy is actually more flexible to move, and the girl is tied down in a school and can't leave a program or is tied down in a job. Makes sense for the guy to move, because its not an issue to transfer jobs/schools for him. But boy's MOTHER is INSISTENT, that her boy is not going to move from NYC to California, and rather the girl needs to saccrifice everything and move to NYC.
Which means, maybe the girl loses schooling time, or gets pulled out of school ( seen girls get pulled out of professional school all the time with loans that girl's parents have to pay off - its EMBARASSING professionally - I've known a professor who has noticed this trend and even asked me if this is something that happens with desi girls). Or she loses a perfectly good job with stable income and now has to start over from ground zero.
All because of MIL's stubborness? Because the boy's family dominates and the girl's family takes a back seat?
these are just some examples - maybe people in Pakistan cannot relate to it, because marriages happen locally. But in the US, where people are all far apart, it can become a logistical nightmare to make a wedding work - to make a marriage work. Which city do you do the valima? Are we flying in every relative of the girl's?
And in these pressures, girls feel like they give way more saccrifice than the boys. And I think it is accurate to say that we do saccrifice more. It's expected of us, because we are girls.
I am SO ready for marriage, but then I stop and think: If I get married, will in-laws force me to give up my career? Who will pay my debts if that happens? What if I am pressured to not do further education and training for better and more exciting job offers? What if I'm banned from travelling by in-laws, as my job does require some travel? What if my MIL has a curfew on me (how is that gonna work when I have night shifts??)? What if there is an awesome opportunity to do a project in Pakistan - will my inlaws disapprove of me spending a few months over there to do some work? How often will my inlaws let me see my family, because I might have to fly out to another city to do that (as oppose to just drive around the gali)? How often will my inlaws tolerate my family being in town to see their grandkids?
I mean, there are a HUNDRED questions that come to mind, and honestly, you feel like you're being suffocated just because you don't have a pair of balls (anatomically speaking).
^
OMG I feel like that tooo!
Re: Why don't women like Mama's Boys?
All girls want to rule their household but they hate the idea of their MIL ruling hers. They marry a 28 yrs old guy who was part of another household till now which was ruled by another woman, but they want to take over that 28 years of influence in 28 days.
If new brides let go of their 'right' they show on their hubby from day 1, their MILs will not use the guy as a rope in that tug of war.
All girls want to rule their household but they hate the idea of their MIL ruling hers. They marry a 28 yrs old guy who was part of another household till now which was ruled by another woman, but they want to take over that 28 years of influence in 28 days.
If new brides let go of their 'right' they show on their hubby from day 1, their MILs will not use the guy as a rope in that tug of war.
A mother ruling her household doesn't mean maintaining control over an adult son once he is married. Mother can rule her own house, and the son and his wife can decide what rules will be applied in their own house. I guess where you have a live in system with your in laws this can be problematic, because every woman wants to make a house her own.
It shouldn't be a case of who rules who or who has more rights than the other. It's the mans job to make sure that his wife and his mother are both treated within the boundaries of the relationship he holds with them. There is enough love for everyone without the need for one to feel like he favours her over the other.
Mama mama, yes baby? Beating My wife? No baby Show me your hands, Ha ha ha
hain what... :)
funny its usually the guy or some unmarried girl who would always talk in favor of mama's boy.... but its the girl who lives with or deals with clingy inlaws or mama boy on* day to day *basis
and yeah its totally a different story when ur parents are visiting u for few months because its u and ur wife who is running the show... not ur parents... they are just guest and i m sure during their stay u just dont running to your mama for every little thing and start disapproving whatever your wife say or whatever she do
You know, here's the thing.
Times are changing, and DIL's and MIL's are faced with new challenges. Back in the pind, the girl was local and so making a move to the in-laws house wasn't a big logistical nightmare, and furthermore, living with the in-laws was cheaper than getting a place of your own. Often the boy would inherit a living place or inherit/earn enough to eventually get a place of their own. This takes a lot of burden off things. The couple can be married and supported by FIL and MIL while husband is still finishing up school or in training/apprenticeship, whatever.
There is a boatload of families growing up in a different env't these days.
Families abroad are spread apart - living in different states, cities, countries. So, now the girl doesn't move from Bandar Road to Clifton within Karachi. She moves from California to New York. She no longer is a stay-at-home wifey (maybe post-BA or BS or something). She's now a working professional or a student still in college or professional school. Now, not only is she moving across country - she has to move jobs, or move schooling. Which means applications for transfers. Which means, you might not get a job or be able to continue schooling when you move, or maybe you can work it out.
What if you have a family (seen this all the time), where the guy is actually more flexible to move, and the girl is tied down in a school and can't leave a program or is tied down in a job. Makes sense for the guy to move, because its not an issue to transfer jobs/schools for him. But boy's MOTHER is INSISTENT, that her boy is not going to move from NYC to California, and rather the girl needs to saccrifice everything and move to NYC.
Which means, maybe the girl loses schooling time, or gets pulled out of school ( seen girls get pulled out of professional school all the time with loans that girl's parents have to pay off - its EMBARASSING professionally - I've known a professor who has noticed this trend and even asked me if this is something that happens with desi girls). Or she loses a perfectly good job with stable income and now has to start over from ground zero.
All because of MIL's stubborness? Because the boy's family dominates and the girl's family takes a back seat?
these are just some examples - maybe people in Pakistan cannot relate to it, because marriages happen locally. But in the US, where people are all far apart, it can become a logistical nightmare to make a wedding work - to make a marriage work. Which city do you do the valima? Are we flying in every relative of the girl's?
And in these pressures, girls feel like they give way more saccrifice than the boys. And I think it is accurate to say that we do saccrifice more. It's expected of us, because we are girls.
I am SO ready for marriage, but then I stop and think: If I get married, will in-laws force me to give up my career? Who will pay my debts if that happens? What if I am pressured to not do further education and training for better and more exciting job offers? What if I'm banned from travelling by in-laws, as my job does require some travel? What if my MIL has a curfew on me (how is that gonna work when I have night shifts??)? What if there is an awesome opportunity to do a project in Pakistan - will my inlaws disapprove of me spending a few months over there to do some work? How often will my inlaws let me see my family, because I might have to fly out to another city to do that (as oppose to just drive around the gali)? How often will my inlaws tolerate my family being in town to see their grandkids?
I mean, there are a HUNDRED questions that come to mind, and honestly, you feel like you're being suffocated just because you don't have a pair of balls (anatomically speaking).
Dear PCG
I do not think the reality is so horrible.
Although MIL does has some influence but not to that extent (in general) you are saying. DIL is member of family need to respect MIL but there are always things which decided been couple.
People make career decisions, on base of what suit them best not on base of whim of one person.
If one marry is settled businessman there would less mobility because:
He is well settle in business at the place and could not take away business with him to different city or location.
Since he is making good money, might not need wife to work thus not willing to compromise due to wife's career.
But if you are marrying a young professional.
He need wife to contribute at least fews years until stabilize.
Better understanding career requirement and willing to compromise for good of family.
I can understand that these problem could arise to certain extent if one is working in Pakistan, as family mostly have secure house, one person income could feed the family, cultural issues.
But working in US even if MIL does not like, she has no choice but to give way because of environment pressure and Son himself would not support her beyond the certain level.
On other side religiously speaking, according to Shariah Parents are son's responsibility DIL has no obligation towards them. On other side we would encourage wifes to help husband to fulfill his duties, but strictly speaking it is not DIL job.
I feel that kind of negative thinking might be holding you back, it is better not to worry too much find a good professional person matches your personality and family outlook (I am sure there are many ).
We all would happy and pray for you.
the problem is guys don't know how to treat both mother and wife equally. They're stuck in between two people they love. They know if they favor wife, mom will get upset and vice versa. If only man could understand how to go about keeping both happy, then there would be no jealousy from either side. And women don't like any outsider intervening in their decisions, even if it's ur saas. You don't see father-in-laws coming in between a married couple, so MIL's just need to learn that it's okay to let their sons go, land et them be happy with their wives. Sons at the same time, should always remember to visit their mothers, call her, make her feel important, so there are no complaints from the mother. And wives should understand this and realize it's important for son and mother to bond as well.
huh, no, the problem is not that guys dont know how to treat mother and wife equally, but because these ladies in question want the impossible, they dont want the best attempt from the dude to balance things, but expect a 100% equilibrium at any given point in time, or all hell would break lose. This equilibrium is not a real one, but what they perceive it to be, so even if some dude was able to do the impossible and maintain 100% equilibrium, how it is seen is through the lens of the ladies involved.
The problem is that ladies need extra supplement regimen of maturity in interpersonal relationships.
cuz the issue does not seem to be just between women and their MILs, but with SIL ..husbands sisters as well as brothers wife, DILs, and assorted other ladies...cousins, friends..neighbours..etc etc
why dont guys have the same level of issues with their BILs..wife's brother or sisters husband, father in law, cousins
Re: Why don't women like Mama's Boys?
Girls need more maturity in relationships? Really?
Let me tell you something frat boy. Our desi girls put up with A LOT. They run through crazy hoops and do things that are totally unreasonable for their husband and in-laws. They make totally unnecessary saccrifices to hold their marriage together and appease their in-laws. They are seen as maasis - day one of marriage, calls will go around "Is she helping with the cooking, or still on vacation?". Yep, that happens. People are SICK in their requirements of women - it is totally unreasonable. A girl has 100 different requirements on her in our society and she spends her life trying to please everyone.
So don't tell ME that GIRLS need more maturity. We get f'ing grey hairs before we need to over Pakistani Morons running amock under the guise of MARDANGI.
Now go to your wife, and apologize for your existence.
Re: Why don't women like Mama's Boys?
^ I think he is referring to the likes of "My mother in law is jealous of me because she bakes me cookies" type.