Why Do men do this??????

Lifestyle Relationships
141

Yes, they do usually rock households and lives when they come here dont they? :)

Ive yet to see a Pak-girl with a higher tolerance level...none here in Chicago.

Respecting their elders and buzurgs is a thing of the past and is dying rapidly across Pakistan...its a fact and I see it all the time in the women that come here. These are myths that were true in our parents' age but no longer hold any substance with the newer generation. Mothers in the US think these values are still being taught back home and thats the problem.

Yes, its a matter of preference when you're getting married, absolutely.

The point the OP is trying to make is simply that when US men want to fool around they will trick a US girl to be with them with promises of marriage and all that but when it comes time to actually marry this girl...their mothers drag them by the ears and tie them to a Pak-girl who is supposedly a virgin (I dont want to even start on this one).

The point PCG is trying to make is simply that its not fair to girls HERE in the US. These guys are taken back to Pak under the impression they will get a traditional ghareloo housewife to kiss their family's feet but what they get is something else. Regardless of what they get...it significantly decreases chances of girls here getting married to suitable men.

I personally know well-educated, hijabi, religious, good looking and accomplished girls who are simply not able to find a decent guy because most men are being dragged home to marry a seedhi saadhi gaon ki gavar.

Girls in Pak have no more tolerance or tameez then girls here, its pretty obvious from what we see coming from there. They usually arent more qualified either. Its simply an illusion mothers have painted since they were forced to kiss their husband's feet...they want a girl from there to do the same. It doesnt happen, tables turn and before they know it...they are all doing "haye haye, mera beta to gaya!"

PCG dear, its a phase...will soon die out.

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totally agree. do not know of, or heard of, a single guy who was 'dragged from their ears and tied to a girl from back home', its a self-consolatory myth. if they prefer to get married back home, then thats what they prefer and its their will. no one can hold them accountable for their personal preferrences, no matter what the reasoning and no matter how unfair it may be. life's like that. I am surprised to hear all this illogical cribbing coming from women who describe themselves as 'intelligent' and high-achieving pragmatists. just sounds like sour grapes to me, all emotion and no logic whatsoever.

its so easy to lay all the blame on random people out there for our miseries, than to look closely at our own lives, choices we have made and consequences that we live with.

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i reiterate his words!

pakistani girls are opportunistic, gavar, badtameez, prostitutes and god knws what. but ofcourse ... jo log already bahar bethay hain ... wo to bilkul oppotunistic nahi thay .... aur jo log aram say bahar beth ker pakistanioun ko community service ki dawat day rahay hain .. wo apnay rishtaydaaroun ko line mein khara ker k family visas dilwa rahay hain ... clapping!
what double standards!

all these girls who claim to be so nice, and dont find a rishta ... where do you marry your own brothers?

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From what I've seen, there are a considerable amount of men who get married back home, but not so much that the women here are left without suitable men. I'd say that my friends who've married girls from here (Canada) are at least as many as those who have sponsored their wives from back home. Then you also have men who just don't want to get married so that doesn't affect the equation either way.

According to my observation, the major factor that the couples that are brought up here have going for their rishta is the networking. I don't think there's any conspiracy here. Nobody's out to punish anybody. Everybody I know who's done it had their reasons. For a lot of them, it's their parents who find the girl. Many of them were also given choices between girls here and girls back home. For the ones who got married back home, for some their talk had been going on since they were kids. Some because their parents really liked the girls from back home. Others were because their mothers did not like any girls they knew from here enough so they went to look there.

Many of the women that i know from here who are in my age range and not yet married doesn't have to do so much with that they don't get rishtas but they're picky (not saying this is a bad thing but it is one of the apparent reasons that they're not getting married) and they reject the rishtas they get. And on top of that they're getting old(er). Otherwise I'd say for the majority of families I knew growing up, most of their daughters are either engaged or married. Very few of my friends have sisters who are not yet married or at least engaged. Then are girls who've ruined their own reputation over the years and nobody thinks of them as marriage material. They do tend to affect the people's perception of girls brought up here, but not to the point where misgivings about a person wouldn't be cleared up if you know them personally.

With most of my friends who've married back home, I'd say that it's about them leaving it to their parents (this means not having anyone particular in mind, so letting their parents find and suggest someone) and their mothers were just more comfortable with someone from back home.

Here's why it's fair: these men have a right to choose whoever they want to marry. Them being raised in America doesn't mean they owe it to anybody to marry a girl who was also born and brought up there. What might not be fair is if someone is accused of something they are not guilty of. It should be looked at on a case by case basis.

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Re: Why Do men do this??????

good, decent, educated, stable girls in pakistan don't need any ABCD or BBCD to fulfill their lives! They are quite happy with their lives, and don't even bother for any silly green-card. These are dreams of below average families.
So it really makes me wonder about these pakistani families abroad, that what were they when they were still in pakistan. and why are they getting the kind of girls that apparently everyone is complaining about. and what kind of networks are they associated with back home.

Good girls (by any definition) get taken first, and the not so good ones, it takes a little time for them. the wedding section if full of pictures of girls and boys being married. i wonder who they are and why and how they ever got married.

general rule of thumb. boys look for a life-partner. not a second/primary earner for the household. so no matter how much you achieve, at the end of the day, if you're 30 and then looking, it is going to get tough. it happens in every other society/culture too.

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*So in conclusion:
*

the end.

Timepass February 2015 _ Jashn e BaharaN
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Re: Why Do men do this??????

I can only give my opinion from a British born Pakistani origin girl married to a guy from Karachi so here goes.
In England in particular pockets of the community it is seen as a sign that parents have been successful if their children get married from back home. If their son does it, it shows he values the same as his father and isn't into the goris that are available in nightclubs. If their daughter married from 'back home' then its another hotch of their belt as their British born and raised daughter is the 'perfect bahu' and is an old-round good girl.
For some pockets of the community getting their kids married abroad is a way of keeping a strong link with their origins-esp within their families (getting married into family etc). For some it's a status thing, or even about land and money not going out of their 'family'.
And then there are 'aunties' who have a screw loose and think all UK born girls are living la vida loca, drinking, partying, having sex and swearing belts instead of skirts. These aunties never change their way of thinking and return home and complain about how times have changed/kids don't listen to their parents/everything has become expensive when really they were too busy watching starPlus and didn't focus on their gifts Allah gave them-their kids.

I do think that if things carry on in the same trend girls from the UK in particular will get a raw deal-as they'll be restricted on ristas from the UK and will end up marrying from abroad-even if they didn't wish to. My friend went through this recently and at the moment it's really hard for her.

148

Re: Why Do men do this??????

I do not understand, why girls these girls are feeling helpless for Rishtas?

They are living in an open society, and sure interacting and socializing with our Pakistani families, why the cant find a suitable partner among these peoples.

I do not believe the crap of parents pressure, as due to nature of society and the way they brought up, I am sure once they found their love there is no way parents could stop the thing.

The parents only come into the picture when the girl or boy either does not have any "strong" preference.

I am fairly conservative and modestly religious person, but for my own children i am willing to accept their choice as long as they meet certain criteria.

In fact i would be in a big headache if they really need our help. As there are very good guys in Pakistan, but due to standard of education in Pakistan. I doubts they have ability to build decent life outside.

149

hear hear..
:salute:

150

Not sure what is your stand on this.

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Re: Why Do men do this??????

^ he probably wants people to listen to some sane voice in this bakra mandi.

I do agree with you too except for the last two sentences. I guess most of people here on GS made a decent life 'outside' and they were educated in Pakistan or at least their parents were.

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Re: Why Do men do this??????

hear hear usually means agreement in civilized societies :)

Indian foreign secretary to visit Pakistan in March
153

kaka it varies u know, one of your LUMS students can run circles around local boys here going to lake walla walla community college or run of the mill state college- satellite campus 2.3 etc. but if someone who has a generic BA econ from Pak, compared to someone with a decent degree here will be a very diff thing. or the many many pakistanis who come here after doing their med school in Pak and do exceedingly well here.

ppl are different, and especially in our society..some of the guys and girls in Pakistans well off families, even upper middle class are more worldly, more travelled, more confident, with it etc than many ppl here.

there is no monolithic homogenous western pak origin ppl entity and no monolithic homogenous pakistani entity. law of averages is only good to some point in time, at some point in time it becomes meaningless. There are traits that may be shared to varying levels by a large number of ppl in a group, but not all, and then you have sub groups.

a UK born desi yob from bradford vs. a Pakistani born LUMS MBA, honestly who would you think has better odds of making it, better approach to life and all..again generalization but to prove a point

154

Thanks for clarification and sorry for asking that question,

Because as you mention usually, but some time possibility of unusual meaning also could not be discounted.

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Re: Why Do men do this??????

touche :)

and please dont apologize, no offense taken
we are all having a fun relaxed conversation, no worries.
good to clarify though to avoid any misunderstanding.

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Re: Why Do men do this??????

X2, That's what I am saying, it varies and we cannot write off people raised in Pakistan. 'Making it' doesn't depend on where you were educated. If we only take a subgroup of people who graduated from LUMS as MBAs ten years ago, I can see they are so diverse in terms of level of achievements, in material terms, that you cannot generalize. Some running successful businesses, some still doing 'managery'.

It is mostly up to the person, his ambitions, abilities and luck.

Have we been able to pacify the discussion here? ;)

157

Yes agree with you, i was talking in general term (which you know the standard back home).

There is still good educated or professional guys in Pakistan, but those might not interested in marrying outside Pakistan unless they know someone and genuine love is involve.

I feel most (not all) boy freely looking for girl could help visa, are not professionally or educationally not competent.

A competent guy with right sense of his own worth would not marry someone whom has no personal interest.

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Re: Why Do men do this??????

^ yeah, I guess you're right. Its always risky trying to find a rishta in another country.

159

it usually takes some sane men to calm things down in heavily charged discussions here (and with that I have opened a pandoras box and painted a bullseye for jootiyan on my butt or the ladies can prove me wrong and show they have a sense of humour and let me live)

I am sad to say that I know a few girls who said no to some very good guys because of stereotypes, where they were born, what their ethnicity was, etc..and one of them later even inquired about a guy, but by that time he was happily married. I am sure the opposite is also trye for guys saying no to great girls due to idiotic stereotypes and not evaluating someone for who they are. On the other hand, ppl who will let stereotypes and all dictate their decisions so much, maybe one does not want to be hooked up to them anyways.

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Re: Why Do men do this??????

Agree with you

We could not ignore anything because of stereotypes, it is better to be open but a bit careful.

I personally prefer recommendation of friends or relative where at least we could check the background.

Mostly boys from upper middle/ middle class with sold education/ or reasonable good professional CV is worth looking at.