when rishta comes...

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: when rishta comes...

Salary is not the first thing girl's parents ask.
In my sister's case (arranged marriage), we first met with the family a couple times and when everything else seemed ok, parents asked about his job and salary.
Not the bank statement ofcourse. Education was inquired about in the first meeting.
Its not like guy's family does not ask about the girl before meeting up in an arranged marriage.

Heck I inquired so much, searched for reviews and asked around about different daycares before selecting one for my son, lol.
Why wouldnt parents ask around or inquire about a potential rishta.
But I think decency and education is the most important thing. As another poster said what if the guy loses the job.
Well in my sister's case, her husband's job contract ended in 6 months. He was honest and decent enough to tell us about it before.
Alhamdolillah he found another job in about a month's time because of his education and skills.

42

Re: when rishta comes...

Wow, never heard of that happening in my family. Almost seems like a business transaction to me. In my opinion, amongst families that are educated and shareef, this does not happen as they meet other families through their connections and relatives/friends. This could probably be happening in lower class uneducated families where there is not enough trust and greed is definitely a factor. Secondly, you do not need to see the educational degree to know how refined or educated a person is. The character of a person can be observed in a very brief meeting, without proof of any bank statements etc.

If I had a daughter and I was looking for a potential husband for her, my main criteria would be the education and character of the family. It doesn't matter how rich the family is or their position ( Nawaz Sharif's son would not be acceptable, lol), if the family does not seem respectable, then its no deal.

43

Re: when rishta comes…

I am willing to offer the same in return - absolutely.

And yes, Im worth it. :snooty:

LOL…WOW…this is funny. So you’re saying people that get fooled must be uneducated, lower class people that are greedy?

I cant speak for Pakistan, but in the West this is necessary because everyone apparently is the nephew or son of a millionaire in Pakistan. People do check for things here (its foolish not to) due to so many fraudulent marriages and this has nothing to do with class.

Yes, you do need to see proof. Education does not buy class, manners or honesty. Ever hear of the term “parhay likhay jaahil”? Its around for a reason. Ive met people who have it all but lie about who they are. Usually they give themselves away with limited thinking and small mindedness.

When you spend your entire life raising your daughter, you will be very reluctant to hand her over without asking questions, investigating and wanting to know everything you can about the person.

44

Re: when rishta comes...

how humiliating .. if i was the guy id get up n leave n never look back ..

45

Re: when rishta comes...

dont forget to ask if he suffers from ED, that's a deal breaker right there.

46

Re: when rishta comes...

That's like asking the bride's father to disclose the brides bust, waist and hip measurements, cup size, weight, skin tone on the Von Luschan scale, and whether shes shaved or not. In other words, very personal information. I'm all for it though, =). Transparency leads to good decision making. I don't like surprises.

47

Re: when rishta comes...

Its a good financial sense to ask for a car fax report before buying a car, but not ethical to ask a guy to prove his fiances and degree before handing over your daughter to him? Strange!

considering the amount of lies that guys families are throwing at girls, before you hand over your daughter to a total stranger, yes - its absolutely ethical to ask him to substantiate his claims about his fiances by showing bank statements and pay check.

48

Re: when rishta comes…

Given all that a guy has to go through (going by this thread), wouldn’t be too much too ask for a girl to be pretty with a good figure would it? Bank statements, eyesight checks, sperm counts (?!), wtf?

From what I’ve seen in Pakistan, discreet background checks are quite possible without actually getting someone to show their bank statements. I wouldn’t mind telling someone what I did for a living, or showing them degrees I have, but I hate it when people get nosy about your finances. Hell its hard to go to a wedding and not get asked by some distant relative ‘beta mahinay ke kitney kuma rahey ho’. I think it is pretty easy to judge someone’s standard of living without actually looking at their life savings.

49

Re: when rishta comes...

Riz,

The way my parents have explained to me is that they dont care if the guy makes $60K or $30K...as long as he doesnt lie. Financial struggle is also a part of marriage and as long as he is ambitious and educated, its alright. They dont care if your degree is in basket weaving as long as you are at least on your way to something. Ive never seen them specifically looking for well off families, always well educated ones. Honesty and being open is crucial otherwise it leads to mistrust.

Bank statements, sperm count, eyesight testing, etc is a bit much and Ive said this before too. I think basics like degrees, employment, residency and a background check that also covers references are a must though.

50

Re: when rishta comes…

Like?

Dude that’s just sleazy. :rolleyes:

:k:

51

Re: when rishta comes…

Okay, we’re both on the same page here then :k:

52

Re: when rishta comes...

umm naa.. thats too much now.
maybe u should just try to find out about him rather than just asking front! .
..

53

Re: when rishta comes…

No I am not saying that people who are getting fooled are lower class. I am saying that people who are demanding proofs are lower class and jahil. This is no different than asking for proof that a male owns land or the girl is a virgin, as is done in villages in Pakistan.
If your social circle of friends, relatives and acquaintances are so untrustworthy and “Fraudiya” that you do not trust them and you have to demand proof of degrees and salary information, then by all means go ahead and do the complete background check. However, in most good families I know a brief and discreet background check is done, without having to resort to crude tactics of asking for showing degrees and pay checks.

54

Re: when rishta comes...

Whats the difference genius?

Most people dont marry within their social circles...they marry either in family or outside of their social circles. When you get a bahir ka rishta...people you dont know...what else would you do? Why dont I see any logic in your post? I think you live in a small town or something in Pakistan...you know those place where everyone knows everyone on every gali and nukkar. So this may not apply to you.

Im not even going to address the male-owning-land and girl-being-virgin bit because I want to believe you were joking...for your sake.

The thing Ive noticed in educated families is honesty and the willingness to be as open as possible. So maybe the people you're associating with dont care very much where their kids end up - hence no need to find out about prospective families. In more decent families, people try to keep the lines of communication open and do everything to reassure parents that their daughters will be well taken care of. This is called sharafat and class. They value their daughters too and try to understand.

In uneducated families, they dont care much and do a very careless little question-answer (nowadays called brief and discreet) session...like giving away a stray pet...as long as the prospective owner looks like he is wearing clean clothes and shaved this morning...its a GO!

55

Re: when rishta comes…

educated=decent/shareef ??? :konfused:

56

Re: when rishta comes...

So what's the problem with living in a small town in Pakistan?. You think you are better than someone just because you live in the west. Frankly, the problem with people like you is that you have an inferiority complex. Couldn't really cut it in Pakistan, was always envious of the rich and elite in Pakistan. So somehow you managed to immigrate to the US and now all of a sudden you think you are educated, shareef and the cream of the crop, What a joke!. Just because you live abroad does not make you superior to any Pakistani living in a big or small city. Your smug attitude towards people living in Pakistan is laughable.

The funny thing is that I have lived and studied in the west and seeing the conditions that some people like you live in, trust me there is nothing to be proud and smug about. People think that having a 2 bedroom house, a car and a college degree in the US really makes them superior to people in Pakistan. The fact is that almost everyone in the US has that even a janitor.

Now let me address your social circle issue in the US and explain why there is a such a crisis facing desi girls when it comes to marriage. The fact is that most pakistanis living in the US, live in isolated communities. There aren't a lot of relatives and friends that they have living in the vicinity, so when it comes to marriage, they really don't trust people too much, since people from all sorts of backgrounds have come from Pakistan (educated and Jahil, taxi drivers and Doctors), hence the full background body scan. People living in Pakistan on the other hand, have known families and friends for decades.They associate with people of similar backgrounds ( Businessmen around Businessmen, Govt workers, army, civil service around their own). They know and trust the family and do not need to say " Beta, could you show me your latest paycheck?, LOL". I totally agree with you wanting to do full background checks because it seems everyone around in your circle of friends is a fraud artist.

By the way, I am from a small town in Pakistan called Toba Tek Singh, LOL. Why don't you pay us lowly citizens a visit so we can all come face to face with Royalty

57

Re: when rishta comes...

Read above...Im not the one with the inferiority complex. I just answered you regarding how your social circle seems to consist of the cream of the crop/educated/shareef/blah blah blah (this is what I mean by parhay likhay jaahil) while everyone else who is asking for information is just a pile of poo/lowly/ignorant. Come ON! Grow up.

I dont consider myself superior to anyone...but when people like you come out of nowhere and look down on others for wanting to know more about a prospect...those are the answers you will get. I would never consider a family that was shady and had issues about honesty, frankly speaking. If they think Im supposed to get a revelation about them from somewhere when Ive never met them before, thats considered stupid. Who do they think they are and why do they think the whole world would know a single thing about them? Thats an over-inflated ego talking.

I didnt read all of your last post - just skimmed it because I can tell this mentality isnt worth spending too much time on. I think you said something about isolated communities, blah blah blah. I dont live in one. I live in a large community but that doesnt mean I know everyone here. Get real. Like I said, everyone seems to consider themselves educated, classy, maaaadran, shareef, heirs to some unknown thrown in Pakistan, etc. Does that mean they are?

Hell no. Obviously not.

58

Re: when rishta comes...

The truth really hurts, doesn't it??. I did not want to discuss your life situation but you forced me to. Now, regarding the marriage issue, no one is saying that you cannot do any background checks on potential mates, but there is a proper and decent way of doing it, as it is done in educated families all over Pakistan and that is discreetly and through your own sources. Not greedily and crudely as you suggested by asking for citizenship proof, salary and degrees. This is not a visa office you are dealing with for god's sake. You immigrated to west, but still didn't learn the proper etiquette of dealing with people?. No wonder, you still have the inferiority complex that you thought immigrating to the USA would solve.

By the way, it is spelled " Throne" not "Thrown", but what do I know, I am just a person living in a small city in Pakistan.

59

Re: when rishta comes…

What truth? :hehe: That you’re not as refined as you want to be considered? You’re just another pretentious desi…what truth could you possible enlighten us with O Wise One??? :omg:

What is greedy about residency status? How does that mean someone is greedy? And who says people just demand crudely? Maybe in your family people act crudely so thats all you’ve seen - which would explain your manners - but not elsewhere. Asking for residency status, education papers, etc is common practice among decent people that dont like being swindled by people pretending to be educated (read your posts above)…throwing your children away like they’re garbage is what the ignorant do when they have about 25 other kids to give away. And I guess in your case, it would be understandable.

I never immigrated to the West - another genius comment.

Coming to someone’s home, asking for their daughter and not telling them about yourself is badtameezi and people dont like badtameez families.

If you have issues with honesty, you need therapy. Not marriage.

60

Re: when rishta comes...

@Omer259
God seriously. Ok imagine if you were the father of a daughter and you had gotten her married to someone who was in your social circle or through a friend. Then allah na karay the guy turns out to be uneducated but belongs to a rich family. Although when you asked people, everyone told you he was educated. This could be because the people you asked were in their plan or had no idea because they thought he was, because he belonged to a rich family. Wouldn't you regret your decision then? Just because people you know tell the rishta is good doesn't mean it is.

I know of an example where the couple are first cousins but the guy turned out to be a jerk and keeps asking the girls family for money. So even if you are close family it doesn't guarantee whatever they tell you is true.