then i came back to canada after 3 months or so because i had to apply for his immigration. as soon as i landed here my mushkilain in a way went away. i stopped calling him. i would not pay much attention to what he was up to. i had my friends back, my family, my life. if he ever called i talked to him for a few mins about how his haal chaal was and then told him how i had to do something or the other and said goodbye. the distance brought him back to me. slowly slowly when he realized that i wasn't there for him whenever he needed me, that i had my own life, that i was a happy person again, that i wasn't chasing him, he started to chase me. it has been a couple of months since i have been back and he literally calls me everyday, leaves sweet voicemails, emails, texts. if i ever call him n he's with his mom or sis he would leave them to talk to me. the reason i am telling u all this is because u need to realize that u have to let him chase you. you can only do that when you are back in england. you will have friends, family, a life and that will keep you busy and once he sees that you are very happy without him he will be all over you. the trick is though don't leave in anger. just endure it for a month more and then say a proper goodbye to everyone and leave.
wow sorry to hear what you went through. so depressing
do you plan to go back to pakistan now? its sounds like your hubby has changed only b/c you're away but will it all start again once you go back?
Silentnation ever thought he was only being sweet becos your calling him over? And he's scared you may not?
Or maybe I'm being a pessimist
Nadz - do not allow your child to go with ur hubby - he may have patched his indifferences with you. But do you really think his MIL or SIL have?
Which guy would take their baby away from their mother? ESP as she's a year old?
If she was say ten or 15 then maybe she would "be part of the wedding" as a one year old what contribution is she making to the wedding? And like others have reiterated surely you being there would be a bigger significance?
Taking the baby is asserting his control over you - ensuring you will return to Pak, your recent actions/fights have him doubting your marriage.
Maybe I am being pessimistic about this - but it sounds like those stories you hear about on tv custody battles abroad.
I agree with silentnation once ur here have your mother/sister/family look after her. And tell him he needs his full concentration at the wedding - he only has one sister after all.
There was a comment you made about the bond with your child? Are you not close?
You’ve been telling him you want to go back to the UK- except he doesn’t want you to go back and he asked you to have the baby in PK. To make sure that you do come back to PK after the baby is born he's winding you up by saying he'll take your daughter back with him.
Look worry about that at the time! Most likely it won't happen anyway as I'm sure he's not a complete monster. The issues you’re having with your husband and in-laws won’t change overnight. Stay polite to them but block out the negative things in your life. Stop complaining, stop back-biting, force yourself to wear a smile on your face and start being a happy mummy for your daughter.
You need to do something about your depression and start taking good care of yourself b/c you’re pregnant! Change your diet b/c what you eat has a big effect on your mood. Drink freshly squeezed fruit and vegs as it’ll make you feel uplifted afterwards. Also being depressed all the time has a negative and direct effect on your fetus too. Start praying to Allah Ta’lah swt, read the Quran and start talking less to people around you so that you're able to control what you say.
Concentrate on your daughter, play with her, read books to her,paint with her etc – there is too much to teach your daughter so give her yourfull attention now.
how can you judge if a person is stable or not?
and if we gave the right for somebody to tell us "you're stable" or "you're not stable"
then wouldn't that go against our right as a human being?
do you think people who aren't as fortunate or educated as you are don't deserve to have a child?
Doesn't that go against your religion?
also @PinkOrchids
she said that he is lovey dovey with her when they are alone together. (aka behind close doors)
ok well thanks guys, means alot and il try to stay quiet. what if he asks again, i cant saY jab time ayga deka jayga he will think im coming to the idea.....its best if i stick to my principle and say politly and firmly no. he should understand. thing is, hes saying why cant i have kid here, and he says she only has one phupo everyone wants her there, im sure his mum or sis have given him this idea...im sure of it. i feel like asking his mum shes a mother, how would she feel.....he keeps saying im not taking her from u, its only 3 monhts, u need to look after the new baby how can u look after 2 lil onesi keep saying i can, mothers do...he doesnt take it...
can someone tell me stress/tension what harm it can do to my unborn baby? i am worried.
so far we ok, we made up yday, things seem ok at the moment......lets see.
nadz, please get it into your head that *you do not need to say anything. zero. *
so what if he thinks you're coming around to the idea? the fact is, you have already decided to come back the UK for the birth and he's not coming with you. just see what happens after that and deal with it at the time.
hey nadz ..listen filhal just keep quiet and say it's too early to decide anything about your daughter going back with your husband. If you throw a fit right now situation could again get a bit ugly and maybe they could throw another tantrum and make you stay here for your SIL's wedding or may want you to come back early or something.
Just endure it ...I too said it's a month! Then once you go back you would IA get things done your way. 6 months is a long time and there even if your hubby wants to come and take your daughter am sure your parents etc can talk him out of this.
It's obvious that he wouldnt be able to look after such a young kid that too when the whole place would be packed with guests and he himself would be super busy !
ok well thanks guys, means alot and il try to stay quiet. what if he asks again, i cant saY jab time ayga deka jayga he will think im coming to the idea.....its best if i stick to my principle and say politly and firmly no. he should understand. thing is, hes saying why cant i have kid here, and he says she only has one phupo everyone wants her there, im sure his mum or sis have given him this idea...im sure of it. i feel like asking his mum shes a mother, how would she feel.....he keeps saying im not taking her from u, its only 3 monhts, u need to look after the new baby how can u look after 2 lil onesi keep saying i can, mothers do...he doesnt take it...
can someone tell me stress/tension what harm it can do to my unborn baby? i am worried.
so far we ok, we made up yday, things seem ok at the moment......lets see.
No matter what he says, you stick with a polite no and let him know that this issue is not negotiable. Your daughter will stay where you are. Period/Full Stop!
heyyy don't argue at the moment, it is not good for you too carry such a big emotional baggage while you are pregnant, he will change his mind, you will have 4-5 months with her alone without him just focus on her and develop the bond with her that you may think is not established yet, your daughter herself will not go with him, and I don't think he will be completely unreasonable and put his own child in a stressful situation, plus you or your parents can explain to him nicely that 'shadi wala ghar' and him and rest of the family being busy with wedding and stuff will not be the best place for a small child to be without the mother.
How old will your older one be at that time??
I went through this experience when I was like 6-7 and I insisted that I wanted to go to my nani's house for khala's shadi, and it was hell without my own mother, I would NEVER put my child in that situation. My son travels with me no matter what if it means staying away from his papa, who loved our son more than anything else in the world, for 7-8 months(it happened once when he was setting up his business in india and we were in canada)
Hopefully your husband is not up to something and not trying to use the child to get you back to pakistan, in that case poor your child, to have such irresponsible parents :( sorry for being so rudddeeee...
Also you can tell him politely that it is important to you that both your kids should be born in the same country, some ppl argue against it, but to me too, it is very important for siblings should be born in the same country because you never know what will happen in the future
Why is everyone so bent up looking at negative side of this situation. May be her husband wants to take the older child with him to help her and share the burden when he wont be there to help her. Like she is going to have another baby it would be hard for her to take care of both the kids who are totally dependent on her alone. When i got pregz with my 2nd child, my husband started taking care of my first one even though he was considerably independent, could change his own clothes, go to washroom with out help take a bath etc etc just to take of the burden from my shoulders.
a kid over a year old can stay with her dad just fine, unless he has been doing nothing with her in the past year of her existence. and a mom who just gave birth can not take care of herself, her newborn, and her one year old, and the ensuing jealousy attacks. you are gonna end up shoving the one year old on someone else real quick. just let her dad take care of her instead.
really? lets see.. this kid is going to be with her mom, her newborn bro or sis who will need to be fed, burped, put to bed every 2-3 hrs, and with a bunch of strangers (nadzz mom dad etc who the kid does not know). who do you think she's gonna need constant attention from? 1 yr olds are active as hell. she's not gonna be patient while mama is exhausted and in bed all day with a new baby.
I don't think it's a good idea to send a child this small with the daddy. She is too young to enjoy the wedding anyway.
If he is really going to miss her that much, since he is jobless, maybe he can come and join you guys in UK?Instead of taking the lil one away. This way, he can help you take care of the baby too. You could have had your delivery in Pakistan as well, but considering the fact that you don't seem to get along with them and feel so stressed all the time...it's best to go to UK.
nadz, your polite 'no' can start an argument that you don't want. it will only hurt you and him and give his family another chance to put you down in his eyes. right now you are living with them in their house so you have to play by their rules. firstly, i don't think he will pester you with this issue after you tell him once that 'daikhan gay'. if he does then just make an excuse such as 'i am not feeling well, can we please have this discussion later' or something. this issue can be resolved in a much calmer manner in your favour once you are back in england and have your family's support.
whatever you do, don't fight with him. do whatever he asks. if he says something then either stay quiet and listen or leave the room. do not argue back or fight. just keep it zipped for this one month and leave on good terms with everyone.
as for my going back to pakistan, i haven't been back and i will never go back (though i would never say it outright to him like that). also, he did not marry me for immigration.
a kid over a year old can stay with her dad just fine, unless he has been doing nothing with her in the past year of her existence. and a mom who just gave birth can not take care of herself, her newborn, and her one year old, and the ensuing jealousy attacks. you are gonna end up shoving the one year old on someone else real quick. just let her dad take care of her instead.
I doubt he has been doing anything since they have been in Pakistan. The kind of desi parents that think the wife should always be waiting on their son (and never vice versa) would probably flip out if they knew he was changing nappy's and feeding.