What should I do?

Lifestyle Relationships
81

Re: What should I do?

Your MIL does dars/ taleem..so is she into tablighi jamaat? Curious to know!

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Re: What should I do?

See, that scares me. The idea that a MIL or anyone for that matter who is thought by many to be "religious," but it doesn't show in their character.

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Re: What should I do?

OP - you should do whatever it is you want, without saying anything or talking back or doing batameezi to your MIL. She will scream, you act deaf, do your chores and go to your bedroom. No one is saying you should talk back. But just let her know by your actions that you will do what you want. Go get your mail alone, once you come back and she yells, pretend you didn't hear a word and carry on with your other tasks.

My khala's MIL is exactly like yours, actually both MIL and FIL are. It's been almost 20 years since she's been married, and trust me....it never ends. Her ILs her STILL the same. And she's the only DIL living with them, and always, always takes good care of them, does everything around the house and listens to their crap. She has kids, and even the kids don't like their grandparents because they see how the grandparents treat their mom, AND the kids themselves. Seriously, the taunts will not end once you have kids. Your kids will bear the brunt of it all too. I used to always ask my khala why she put up with this kinda crap. I personally do not have the patience. And you are so young. Divorce is not the end of the world, but if you don't want that then you NEED to come up with something or else this is what your life will be. I've seen my khala - this kinda stuff never ends. MIL will never change her attitude towards you. So whatever decision you make, know that life is pretty long and this is how it will be.

84

Re: What should I do?

OP- Allah only knows how you are living your life in such conditions.

I totally understand what you mean when you say an american born educated girl would not tolerate this because this generation really would not. Heck we don't even tolerate our parents these days. Its a sad fact but true. We are a selfish generation where we cannot put up with the smallest of hardships and give up. The fact that you are putting up with this is remarkable.

Personally I believe there are two ways you can resolve this situation.

Firstly have the frikkin party. This should be a turning point in your relationship with your mother in law. Show her that you are not going to put up with her antics any more. I am a firm beleiver in giving as good as you get. Treat the next person exactly how they treat you.

Stop acting like her slave. I mean give her food and cups of tea. Thats ok. But do not let her treat you like a slave. You are a human bieng and you need to start valuing yourself.

Have the party. When she throws a fit look her in the eye and tell her you did it because you wanted to. I think for me flawedsoul has hit the nail on the head. Do what you want, let her scream and ignore her. Go where you want, get what you want. She cannot do anything.

Secondly i think your husband needs to tell his parents to go to their own house. No matter how hard it is for him. Would he rather have you go through this torture just because it will be hard for him to tell his parents to go home?

And why not play you mother in law at her own game.. In islam it is your RIGHT to demand a house of your own. Im not sure of the hadees but research it and throw that at her.

Also I do not think you should give a crap about what people in the community think about you.. those people are not who you have to answer to. You only have to answer to Allah. No1 else. So let her say what she wants.

I think what you really need to do is grow some confidence. You need to start valuing yourself and learn to respect yourself. Then Allah will give you the courage to speak up.

Also I know the idea of divorce is so scary. But you need to have faith in your relationship and trust that your husband will do insaf by you. May Allah never bring divorce upon you but you cannot live your life in fear of doing certain things incase he divorces you. This would just mean that your relationship is weak and then brings into question what the point of going through this soul destroying experience is in the first place?

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Re: What should I do?

Hahaha funny but seriously that would be the end of me lol.

I know you're not referring to a divorce but I said I was scared of a divorce because you asked me what I was scared of. But yeah, I understand what you meant. I texted hubby this afternoon telling him I will have the party and he replied back "do it at your own risk" smh!

She goes to tablighi jamaat dars and regular dars and so does the entire family but they're not into the tablighi stuff though. They only go to their dars and other dars and don't classify themselves as tablighi jamaat people.....if you know what I mean.

Thanks for understanding, unlike some people who just took the "american born" part out of context. Anyways, He can never tell his parents to go to their house, never. They tell him to book his ticket open and he can't even ask when should I book the return because she will start saying stuff. Everywhere they go, even to the other kids' house, my husband has to pay for the tickets. None of the other sons pay for them. 

     I haven't personally said to her about my rights to a separate house but once their was a discussion going on about how a girl in the community just moved to a separate place out of her in-laws' house. My hubby casually mentioned that it's her islamic right, so what. MIL just started giving a lecture on how parents are a barkat in the house, the rizq is increased because of the parents, and how she can have a separate house but not stop her in-laws from coming over and staying because the son's house is the parents' house and son's money is parent's money, etc. That girl has no in-law problems and doesn't stop in-laws from coming over. MIL just mentioned it because she knew about herself coming for months. So, I can imagine what will happen if hubby said anything to her about us!
86

Re: What should I do?

Then have the party at your own risk. Her crying and being upset is NOT your problem. If she throws a fit, say you'll miss her and maybe next time. If she keeps going, its NO longer your problem and you don't need to get involved at all. You did your part. Let her scream and cry. You can watch TV, go to your room, read a book, get on your laptop and play some games, etc. Nothing will happen to her. You need to teach her to handle herself. You giving in to her all the time is spoiling her into thinking all she has to do to get her way is throw a tantrum.

87

What should I do?

Ok, so I told hubby that I WILL have the party if she's here or not. She might even cancel her plans to go this week if she finds out I'm still having the party. I told hubby not to bring up this topic with her and if she asks tell her you don't know anything because (me) didn't make up her mind yet. Now lets see if she asks him and then what happens!

But, I'm throwing this damn party on May 11th and you all are invited too! Anyone lives close to Atlanta?! The only downside will be that MIL will take your number from me and can stop by at your place any time! :)

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GREAT! I really hope you go through with this. I can't wait till May 11th and hear more from u

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Re: What should I do?

If MIL ends up finding out that party took place without her, then it'll just further aggravate her mistreatment and maybe she'll take it out on her son too. Op knows the consequences and if it's gonna intensify the drama at home, is it necessary to hear more about it?

90

Re: What should I do?

the 2 things I shall look forward to on 11th May: 1) election results 2) busy bee's MIL's reaction ( hopefully not too bad for BB)

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Thanks for the virtual support you all! The party's on the 11th but MIL doesnt get back till the 19th. So wait till the 20th lol. Even if she finds out before coming I know she won't say a word to me or hubby over the phone. She'll wait till she's physically here. She's leaving from here on the 3rd so stuff might happen before then :( but I really hope nothing happens iA!

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Re: What should I do?

If I ever had to go through so much crap and mental turmoil just for a freakin party... I'd go insane. Bhaar main jaye party.

Hope it goes well though.

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Re: What should I do?

That’s the spirit. Well, I hope everything works out well for you :insh:
I’m also interested see the outcome of all this. I could write down what I think you should do in the event of a hostile response, but it has already been said, i.e.

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Re: What should I do?

what can you do..this is really a big issue.

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Re: What should I do?

Are u suggesting that OP should be scared and not do anything in her own house because her MIL throws tantrums like a little child?
OP has compromised so much for her inlaws and she is tormented all the time. I would like her to have a great time and hear about that.
I did not say it was necessary to hear more about it, just that I would alike to. Hence, please read what I wore before getting all worked up. :)

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Re: What should I do?

Did ur MIL leave already Busybee?

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Re: What should I do?

i would throw Two parties.. one when she was gone.. and dont call that one a party.. it will just be a GET together.... where the friends just decide to show up.. and then i will have an OTHER party.. coz she wanted to be included.. TAKE THAT

98

Re: What should I do?

Yay to what maha said. Hell the day after she goes I'd throw a party every damn day, take *loads of pictures and show her when she gets back. Give her a proper reason to throw a tantrum!!! Evil begets evil. Yes your a nice person and you will prob feel guilty afterwards but then do what I do and talk to Allah in your prayers literally like he was your best friend right there in front of you and explain what and why you did it and if it was still wrong to do then to pls forgive you bcus end of the day your human and there is only so much * you can take. Also I truly believe your mother in law knows your weakness and that is why she does it. You know why u put up with it and so does she trust me. If your hubby decides to divorce you just because after 7 years you stand up for yourself then trust me he aint someone you wanna be with for the rest of your life Unless you actually want to be a cowering door mat for the rest of your life???

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Re: What should I do?

Also can I just say pls don't bring children into a world where there is so much evil and hatred in the house. Yes you can and have put up with it for so long and you have your own reasons for doing that, but what reasons will your kids have to show love to a grandma who hates their mother. They too will grow up hating someone. Either they will hate you for being such a coward or they will hate their grandmother for the way she treats their mother. Kids are not dumb. They understands so much more then we give them credit for and they will grow up disturbed and confused. Am so sorry to say all of that but I say it only cus I have seen my neighbours kids grow up in similar environment and now they are grown up they show no respect to their parents because all they ever saw growing up was arguments and disrespect between elders. Kids learn by example.

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Re: What should I do?

I have come to the conclusion that if a girl is being abused (physically, mentally, emotionally, etc) by her husband and/or his family, she may not realize it but she has far greater power in her own hands than she realizes. Last night, I was talking to a woman who has been abused for decades by her husband and his family. Abuse in every sense of the word and I sometimes get frustrated that she doesn't realize that she is no longer a prisoner in their home but continues to live in a prison created by her own mind. We have had many conversations where instead of being supportive, I seem like the enemy, but it occurred to me (this is what I want to say to all that sometimes blame the victim) that it is so simple for me being detached from the situation to tell her what to do but she has her own attachments that imprison her to a life that she cannot seem to escape. That realization made me change my tone and also the points that I wanted to get accross. I said, it's a given that her husband is an A**, there are no arguments there. But let's start focusing on her and becoming aware of her needs. She had discussed a few basic needs of hers that weren' being fulfilled so we strategized on how she can approach her husband to get her basic needs met before we start threatening him, etc because our goal is to make her needs met not make his life miserable.

Funny thing was that is what she needed. She would digress and would start harping about how awful things are but I was able to move the conversation forward to show her that she indeed had more power than she thought. At the end of the conversation, she said "I was feeling terrible with no way out when we first started talking but now I feel more hopeful". That is all we can do, give them hope when it seems to have left them.

So Busybee, if you really did not give a hoot about your MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL. It's a given, they are a family of A$$3s. They have treated you like trash for 6 years. Instead of focusing on them, start to care for yourself. From what you have mentioned in various different posts, your don't seem to get what you need in order to flourish. You may not have the best health. Just live for yourself. You can slowly work on banishing these blood and money sucking leaches out of your house. It will take years but you will surely achieve it. :)