What should I do?

[BusyBee]

Re: What should I do?

You MIL needs help! No, Seriously I am not saying in a bad way. She should see a psychiatrist. And I think you need to start taking a stand. How can you even stand this situation? It's not a crime to marry someone of your own choice. And how do you plan on bringing up a child in this toxic environment when you have one? People have already given you really good advice in this thread and in your previous threads. Now it's up to you.

Dare I say to anyone that MIL needs a shrink? I'll be thrown out of the house before I even utter those words! I don't want to have a child, hubby's been forcing me for the past 2 years and saying stuff like I can leave if I don't want a child. I have PCOS so not able to conceive naturally. I often think it's a blessing in disguise. I have tried explaining to hubby that I'll go crazy with a child in this type of environment but he says everything will be alright after kids. I don't trust him on this one because before marriage I used to tell him I'm scared of marrying him because his mom and sister used to send me hate emails/texts and he used to say everything will be fine after marriage.....yeah, this is fine, right?!

[Jolie]

Re: What should I do?

^ So what do you think is the right solution to your problems?

[BusyBee]

Re: What should I do?

OP, your life sucks. instead of worrying about small issues like this party, getting yourself depressed, only to see no change in your MIL. it seems like you've tried all the usual DIL techniques. why not make a big change? I mean, get a job! Or if your degree right now doesn't allow u to get a better job or hubby is too proud of his money and MIL doesn't want community log thinking that DIL is working outside the home, get another degree! go for a masters, go to med school, law school. whatever.

this will allow you to get out of the house, obv without MIL. make your own friends, live your own life, time away from inlaws. it will be something your husband can be proud of you for, something your MIL has no control over, and something that will help you personally in the long run if something horrible happens (divorce, death, etc)

there is NOTHING more powerful than knowledge.

I know my life sucks :(. I'm a people pleaser. Even after MIL says all these things to me, stops answering me, or ignores me, I make extra effort just to please her. So when the aunties in the community who used to tell me that Allah should give everyone a bahu like me, taunt me now for an evil bahu and give me random lectures on how "aaj kal" ki girls are disgrace to pakistani culture that they don't take care of their in-laws, I feel like crying. I can't take this negative criticism, especially when I haven't even done anything they accuse me of.

   I already have a master's degree but hubby doesn't want me to work until AFTER kids....like I'll have more time after kids? He was fine with it, UNTILL his mom threw a fit. So convincing him for the past 6 years hasn't gotten me anywhere so I just gave up on this thought. There's no point in arguing if the end decision is his mom's anyways. Like I said, even if I make new friends, she interferes, goes to their houses without calling and without me. She wants all the numbers of my friends. She doesn't even let me go alone to my Dr. appointments, you think she'll let me go to school?

[BusyBee]

Re: What should I do?

Don't you talk to her like that. She was born and raised in USA and has a professional degree. Did you know that? The fact the she was born in USA, makes her levitate above the desis back home, and if that alone didn't command respect, she also has a professional degree. It would be totally understandable if you had said that to someone who was born and raised in Pakistan, but oh the audacity to say that to someone of her credentials.

Seriously, I don't know what your problem is. I already replied to you what I meant about being "born and raised" in the U.S.A and my "professional degree". I have never heard the word "phanttii" before, so I asked. FYI, I'm a pathan, and speak better urdu than some people "born and raised in the U.S.A" to urdu-speaking families! And more FYI, My husband wasn't "born and raised in the U.S" and nor does he speak perfect english, and when I decided to marry him, he had only been in the U.S for 2 years, straight out of Karachi. So please keep your slick remarks to yourself. Thank you very much!

[BusyBee]

Re: What should I do?

^ So what do you think is the right solution to your problems?

I wish I knew :(

[doppelkopf]

Re: What should I do?

And more FYI, My husband wasn't "born and raised in the U.S" and nor does he speak perfect english, and when I decided to marry him, he had only been in the U.S for 2 years, straight out of Karachi.

How very noble of you

[Reha]

Re: What should I do?

Muzna, she's not only insults, degrades, and embarrasses me but also causes unnecessary drama! Usually when we have dawats there are all kind of people, her age too, so she is busy talking to them and still manages to cause all the drama. But now, when it's only our friends, I know what she's gonna do. The last dawat we had, She caused so much drama that people came up to me and asked me how do I live with this woman! She deliberately threw a tray on food on the floor and people SAW her, and then blamed on me saying "kisi kaam ki nahi hai yeh, tray bhi sahi se nahi rakhi table per aur tray gir gayi". And that was before people took the food. Then, she kept on nagging at me for little things in front of everyone and called me names like moti bhaens, nikammi, maasi jaisi shakal, and so much more! She goes out almost every day, and I can't even step outside the house to check mail without her! Did I ever say anything to her? NO! For once I wanna enjoy without nagging and getting degraded! I want to be able to breathe! :(

Why? I don't understand why you put up with all this?

Actually, she does FEEL young. She compares her clothes to mine. I once said "ammi yeh color thora young logon ka hai" and she's like "tumhari maa budhi hogi, main to young hun". My mom's the same age as her! She even says to some colors like agar "tum pehan sakti ho to main kyun nahi" even though she has to wear an abaya on top anyways! Oh and most important part, recently, she has started to go to MY friends houses WITHOUT telling me. Some of these friends work, some don't even have parents/in-laws at home, just husband/wife/kids. She calls them when she's on their way! A couple of them she went without calling them first, after being in the U.S for almost 14 years!! Some of these friends I'm not even close to, to tell them how MIL really is. So these friends call me and just give me hints of how inappropriate it was for my MIL to "stop by". How embarrassing is that? Of course, I can't even tell this to MIL because she will throw tantrums and blame me that I don't want her to go to my friends' house or I'm making this up or something!

Okay while I sympathize with the OP - I have one BIG problem with you BusyBee:

You're making this happen and you're NOT doing anything at all to fix it. As in nothing.

If an aggressor KNOWS they can hurt you - they will. Its in their nature to do so naturally so they WILL.

If you would like for her to stop - you need to change yourself first. You have not done so and you refuse to stand up for yourself. I know you're hurt, oppressed and feel like you cannot breathe. If you cannot breathe because you have a medical condition - I get it. However, if you are standing in front of a tank of oxygen and refuse to breathe out of fear of a 47 year old woman who acts like that old grandma from My Big Fat Greek Wedding...you don't have my sympathy.

You're an educated woman. You MARRIED your husband against your inlaws' wishes. You became a PERMANENT part of their lives when they didn't want you to. This fear of the MIL - where was it when you signed the Nikah papers??? You have guts. You're just choosing to be helpless right now. Situations like these are infuriating to me because you're EQUIPPED to deal with this but you won't.

If I were you, I'd have that party without her and I'd take control of my life. She bad mouths you in the community because she knows she can walk all over you and you won't do diddly squat in return. Who will question her? Challenge her? You? Who cannot even get your own mail? She treats you like a joke because that's the position you've given yourself in your own home. Open your mouth. Next time she drops a tray full of food like that - say "ammi, apki tabiyat sahi hai?"

You refuse to fight for yourself but then complain about others mistreating you. Your husband is your husband - not a magician and not your babysitter.

[BusyBee]

Re: What should I do?

Why? I don't understand why you put up with all this?

Okay while I sympathize with the OP - I have one BIG problem with you BusyBee:

You're making this happen and you're NOT doing anything at all to fix it. As in nothing.

If an aggressor KNOWS they can hurt you - they will. Its in their nature to do so naturally so they WILL.

If you would like for her to stop - you need to change yourself first. You have not done so and you refuse to stand up for yourself. I know you're hurt, oppressed and feel like you cannot breathe. If you cannot breathe because you have a medical condition - I get it. However, if you are standing in front of a tank of oxygen and refuse to breathe out of fear of a 47 year old woman who acts like that old grandma from My Big Fat Greek Wedding...you don't have my sympathy.

You're an educated woman. You MARRIED your husband against your inlaws' wishes. You became a PERMANENT part of their lives when they didn't want you to. This fear of the MIL - where was it when you signed the Nikah papers??? You have guts. You're just choosing to be helpless right now. Situations like these are infuriating to me because you're EQUIPPED to deal with this but you won't.

If I were you, I'd have that party without her and I'd take control of my life. She bad mouths you in the community because she knows she can walk all over you and you won't do diddly squat in return. Who will question her? Challenge her? You? Who cannot even get your own mail? She treats you like a joke because that's the position you've given yourself in your own home. Open your mouth. Next time she drops a tray full of food like that - say "ammi, apki tabiyat sahi hai?"

You refuse to fight for yourself but then complain about others mistreating you. Your husband is your husband - not a magician and not your babysitter.

To be honest, I put up with this because I don't want a divorce. I can't imagine myself being divorced and surviving in our two-faced society, I just can't. And next, the thing is I've tried to speak up here and there but it always ends up backfiring. If I even say a word back in normal conversation she accuses me of being badtameez and then hubby tells me "you shouldn't have", even though he knows his mom was wrong. It's like he tells me to speak up, but when I do, he tells me to agree with what ammi says. And honestly, If I knew MIL was gonna stay like this for the rest of my life I was NOT gonna marry him. He used to assure me his mom is a good-hearted person and she'll change. I, on the other hand, being only 19-20 y/o used to believe him. Also, due to the fact she's so known in the community for being a pious lady, does dars/taaleem and stuff, I always thought she can never do anything wrong. I always thought she's doing all this "temporarily" when she used to cause drama before marriage.

      The other day she even said "agar mere bagair koi takreeb hui yahan to dekho main kaise sabke saamne tumhari naak katwati hun". So, I can't take this. I don't like getting badmouthed in the community for something that I haven't even done. And the funny part, believe her! Since she's so "mazhabi", gives dars, always tasbeeh in her hand, people actually think I'm the evil one. I, on the other hand, don't even mention to anyone what goes on in my house (except GS and few close people). Heck, even my mom doesn't know everything! 

      LOL at "apki tabiyat sahi hai." If I say that, I'm probably gonna get a whole list of cursing thrown at me. I barely talk to her, only if I need to ask her about if I should serve food, if she wants chai and stuff like that. I fear my own words now because no matter what I say, it's always blown out of proportion. I know hubby is not my babysitter but he plays no role at all. It's like I need to fight for myself. He even says so. But, even If I do stand up for myself, he won't back me up. As a matter of fact, he'll tell me to not do it because "ammi bura manjayengi." I'm sick of it myself. 

     I always decide that I'm gonna take baby steps but in the very first step, either I get discouraged because hubby tells me something or MIL creates another big drama. I just go back to square one and nothing has gotten me anywhere :'(

[Sajalina]

Re: What should I do?

So when she curses you in front of your guests don't they see that? Doesn't it show them who is the real victim here so next time when she bad mouths you, won't they know the real deal?

I feel so bad for you, this is a very sad situation. :(

[yourfriend]

Re: What should I do?

dekho bibi.. pahley khud aapni qadrr kerna seekho... phir doosruN say aapni qadrr kerwao....
.... tumhari saas aur tumhara husband tumharay saath kya ker rahain hain, wo sub chorru...phalay yeh soochuu kay TUM KHUD APNAY saath kya ker rahi ho aur kiyon ker rahi ho??
..... tumhay counselling ki zarorat hai.... kissi professional counsellor kay paas jao..

[BusyBee]

Re: What should I do?

So when she curses you in front of your guests don't they see that? Doesn't it show them who is the real victim here so next time when she bad mouths you, won't they know the real deal? I feel so bad for you, this is a very sad situation. :(

She doesn't say anything major in front of the guests. She comes up to me and says it politely. But she does say stuff like nikammi, kisi kaam ki nahi, itni moti bhaens hai ke jaldi se utha bhi nahi jaata, etc in front of them but in a joking tone. Usually, the people who find it wrong do come up to me and ask me how can I tolerate it but some people (especially older aunties) laugh it out too.

dekho bibi.. pahley khud aapni qadrr kerna seekho... phir doosruN say aapni qadrr kerwao.... .... tumhari saas aur tumhara husband tumharay saath kya ker rahain hain, wo sub chorru...phalay yeh soochuu kay TUM KHUD APNAY saath kya ker rahi ho aur kiyon ker rahi ho?? ..... tumhay counselling ki zarorat hai.... kissi professional counsellor kay paas jao..

I actually did go for counseling 2 times and was on anti-depressants for two years too. MIL used to taunt hubby "biwi to pagal hai hi, tumhare bacche bhi pagal niklengen". She used to say it while laughing. I stopped taking anti-depressants because I was gaining a lot of weight (not good for my PCOS) and I couldn't deal with being called a "pagal" almost every day.

[pkgrl000]

Re: What should I do?

so, who is it that you are actually afraid of? MIL or hubby? You've repeated the story several times now. You say something against MIL to defend yourself. but husband then says "you shouldn't have" and that's the end of the story. Why can't you continue the convo, and tell hubby he is wrong? The reason you get so many replies on here is not because your MIL is soo horrible. Trust me, GS has seen much worse. Its because people don't understand why you can't simply speak up. no body is beating you with a bat. not yet, atleast.

[system]

Re: What should I do?

To be honest, I put up with this because I don't want a divorce. I can't imagine myself being divorced and surviving in our two-faced society, I just can't. And next, the thing is I've tried to speak up here and there but it always ends up backfiring. If I even say a word back in normal conversation she accuses me of being badtameez and then hubby tells me "you shouldn't have", even though he knows his mom was wrong. It's like he tells me to speak up, but when I do, he tells me to agree with what ammi says. And honestly, If I knew MIL was gonna stay like this for the rest of my life I was NOT gonna marry him. He used to assure me his mom is a good-hearted person and she'll change. I, on the other hand, being only 19-20 y/o used to believe him. Also, due to the fact she's so known in the community for being a pious lady, does dars/taaleem and stuff, I always thought she can never do anything wrong. I always thought she's doing all this "temporarily" when she used to cause drama before marriage.

The other day she even said "agar mere bagair koi takreeb hui yahan to dekho main kaise sabke saamne tumhari naak katwati hun". So, I can't take this. I don't like getting badmouthed in the community for something that I haven't even done. And the funny part, believe her! Since she's so "mazhabi", gives dars, always tasbeeh in her hand, people actually think I'm the evil one. I, on the other hand, don't even mention to anyone what goes on in my house (except GS and few close people). Heck, even my mom doesn't know everything!

LOL at "apki tabiyat sahi hai." If I say that, I'm probably gonna get a whole list of cursing thrown at me. I barely talk to her, only if I need to ask her about if I should serve food, if she wants chai and stuff like that. I fear my own words now because no matter what I say, it's always blown out of proportion. I know hubby is not my babysitter but he plays no role at all. It's like I need to fight for myself. He even says so. But, even If I do stand up for myself, he won't back me up. As a matter of fact, he'll tell me to not do it because "ammi bura manjayengi." I'm sick of it myself.

I always decide that I'm gonna take baby steps but in the very first step, either I get discouraged because hubby tells me something or MIL creates another big drama. I just go back to square one and nothing has gotten me anywhere :'(

I'm sorry BusyBee but what you just said sound like excuses. I know you are in a tough situation. But YOU and only YOU can change your situation. Nothing will magically be alright without you even taking chances. It is not your place to take this abuse from your MIL and not say a word. If she wants she can curse her son and then you have no right to interfere. This is just ridiculous and it seems like you are just not gonna do anything about it.

Have you read the thread about this "rockon" who took the steps of leaving her husband after 7 years being in an abusive relationship? Maybe you should. We are not saying you should leave your husband. But not until you make some changes, your life will continue to be miserable.

[Captain_Obvious]

Re: What should I do?

To be honest, I put up with this because I don't want a divorce. I can't imagine myself being divorced and surviving in our two-faced society, I just can't. And next, the thing is I've tried to speak up here and there but it always ends up backfiring. If I even say a word back in normal conversation she accuses me of being badtameez and then hubby tells me "you shouldn't have", even though he knows his mom was wrong. It's like he tells me to speak up, but when I do, he tells me to agree with what ammi says. And honestly, If I knew MIL was gonna stay like this for the rest of my life I was NOT gonna marry him. He used to assure me his mom is a good-hearted person and she'll change. I, on the other hand, being only 19-20 y/o used to believe him. Also, due to the fact she's so known in the community for being a pious lady, does dars/taaleem and stuff, I always thought she can never do anything wrong. I always thought she's doing all this "temporarily" when she used to cause drama before marriage.

      The other day she even said "agar mere bagair koi takreeb hui yahan to dekho main kaise sabke saamne tumhari naak katwati hun". So, I can't take this. I don't like getting badmouthed in the community for something that I haven't even done. And the funny part, believe her! Since she's so "mazhabi", gives dars, always tasbeeh in her hand, people actually think I'm the evil one. I, on the other hand, don't even mention to anyone what goes on in my house (except GS and few close people). Heck, even my mom doesn't know everything! 

      LOL at "apki tabiyat sahi hai." If I say that, I'm probably gonna get a whole list of cursing thrown at me. I barely talk to her, only if I need to ask her about if I should serve food, if she wants chai and stuff like that. I fear my own words now because no matter what I say, it's always blown out of proportion. I know hubby is not my babysitter but he plays no role at all. It's like I need to fight for myself. He even says so. But, even If I do stand up for myself, he won't back me up. As a matter of fact, he'll tell me to not do it because "ammi bura manjayengi." I'm sick of it myself. 

     I always decide that I'm gonna take baby steps but in the very first step, either I get discouraged because hubby tells me something or MIL creates another big drama. I just go back to square one and nothing has gotten me anywhere :'(

Start like this:

1. Throw that party.
   
2. When the curses come your way, record everything.
   
3. Then send recordings to gawker and watch it outdo that angry email.

Ok, well I wouldn't practically go with step 3, but thinking of the outcome does trigger an evil laug.

Real step 3 - show her a sample of what you have (recordings) after a couple of weeks. Then ask her who needs to worry more about their nose now.

[BusyBee]

Re: What should I do?

so, who is it that you are actually afraid of? MIL or hubby? You've repeated the story several times now. You say something against MIL to defend yourself. but husband then says "you shouldn't have" and that's the end of the story. Why can't you continue the convo, and tell hubby he is wrong? The reason you get so many replies on here is not because your MIL is soo horrible. Trust me, GS has seen much worse. Its because people don't understand why you can't simply speak up. no body is beating you with a bat. not yet, atleast.

I'm just afraid that my husband might divorce me if I start talking back and it becomes a huge fight. I know how my husband is and in the heat of the moment he will divorce me too if his mother throws a tantrum and I nag at the same time. And, I do continue the convo and ask hubby to give me any reason that I was wrong. He usually says that he knows I wasn't wrong and his mom was, but I should've still kept quite because even if I spoke up, It wasn't gonna solve anything. Which is kinda true! Whenever I do speak a word, she creates more drama. And sometimes, the convo doesn't continue because hubby just says "I don't care who was wrong, I just don't want you to to reply back to her because she is not gonna change like that." Sometimes he just leaves the room when I ask him "why" and stops talking to me for days. I can't stay without talking to him so I just avoid all the questioning :(

[garamasala]

Re: What should I do?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[Sidra_1]

Re: What should I do?

To be honest, I put up with this because I don't want a divorce. I can't imagine myself being divorced and surviving in our two-faced society, I just can't. And next, the thing is I've tried to speak up here and there but it always ends up backfiring. If I even say a word back in normal conversation she accuses me of being badtameez and then hubby tells me "you shouldn't have", even though he knows his mom was wrong. It's like he tells me to speak up, but when I do, he tells me to agree with what ammi says. And honestly, If I knew MIL was gonna stay like this for the rest of my life I was NOT gonna marry him. He used to assure me his mom is a good-hearted person and she'll change. I, on the other hand, being only 19-20 y/o used to believe him. Also, due to the fact she's so known in the community for being a pious lady, does dars/taaleem and stuff, I always thought she can never do anything wrong. I always thought she's doing all this "temporarily" when she used to cause drama before marriage.

If I was you, I'd record her when she's badmouthing about you, with all the galis and spices. Put it on youtube and send the link through email to all her students and to all those who think that she's pious.
Throw the party anyways, and take snaps of how fun the party was and send it by mms to her.

Enough to make her furious but at least she'd get the fact that you ain't submitted to her.

[Sidra_1]

Re: What should I do?

Start like this:

1. Throw that party.
   
2. When the curses come your way, record everything.
   
3. Then send recordings to gawker and watch it outdo that angry email.

Ok, well I wouldn't practically go with step 3, but thinking of the outcome does trigger an evil laug.

Real step 3 - show her a sample of what you have (recordings) after a couple of weeks. Then ask her who needs to worry more about their nose now.

LOL didn't read this x_X

[Reha]

Re: What should I do?

To be honest, I put up with this because I don't want a divorce. I can't imagine myself being divorced and surviving in our two-faced society, I just can't. And next, the thing is I've tried to speak up here and there but it always ends up backfiring. If I even say a word back in normal conversation she accuses me of being badtameez and then hubby tells me "you shouldn't have", even though he knows his mom was wrong. It's like he tells me to speak up, but when I do, he tells me to agree with what ammi says. And honestly, If I knew MIL was gonna stay like this for the rest of my life I was NOT gonna marry him. He used to assure me his mom is a good-hearted person and she'll change. I, on the other hand, being only 19-20 y/o used to believe him. Also, due to the fact she's so known in the community for being a pious lady, does dars/taaleem and stuff, I always thought she can never do anything wrong. I always thought she's doing all this "temporarily" when she used to cause drama before marriage.

      The other day she even said "agar mere bagair koi takreeb hui yahan to dekho main kaise sabke saamne tumhari naak katwati hun". So, I can't take this. I don't like getting badmouthed in the community for something that I haven't even done. And the funny part, believe her! Since she's so "mazhabi", gives dars, always tasbeeh in her hand, people actually think I'm the evil one. I, on the other hand, don't even mention to anyone what goes on in my house (except GS and few close people). Heck, even my mom doesn't know everything! 

      LOL at "apki tabiyat sahi hai." If I say that, I'm probably gonna get a whole list of cursing thrown at me. I barely talk to her, only if I need to ask her about if I should serve food, if she wants chai and stuff like that. I fear my own words now because no matter what I say, it's always blown out of proportion. I know hubby is not my babysitter but he plays no role at all. It's like I need to fight for myself. He even says so. But, even If I do stand up for myself, he won't back me up. As a matter of fact, he'll tell me to not do it because "ammi bura manjayengi." I'm sick of it myself. 

     I always decide that I'm gonna take baby steps but in the very first step, either I get discouraged because hubby tells me something or MIL creates another big drama. I just go back to square one and nothing has gotten me anywhere :'(

I am not referring to a divorce. I am not even saying your husband is a bad husband. Yes, he needs to man up but let's face it. This is your battle with your MIL and he cannot fight it for you.

IMHO, baby steps are what get you in trouble in the first place. You think taking small steps will ease her into a more comfortable mind frame. They won't.

Do what you need to do and ignore everything she does. Do not do battameezi but do not back down.

[Reha]

Re: What should I do?

I'm just afraid that my husband might divorce me if I start talking back and it becomes a huge fight. I know how my husband is and in the heat of the moment he will divorce me too if his mother throws a tantrum and I nag at the same time. And, I do continue the convo and ask hubby to give me any reason that I was wrong. He usually says that he knows I wasn't wrong and his mom was, but I should've still kept quite because even if I spoke up, It wasn't gonna solve anything. Which is kinda true! Whenever I do speak a word, she creates more drama. And sometimes, the convo doesn't continue because hubby just says "I don't care who was wrong, I just don't want you to to reply back to her because she is not gonna change like that." Sometimes he just leaves the room when I ask him "why" and stops talking to me for days. I can't stay without talking to him so I just avoid all the questioning :(

I don't think you get it.

Have you ever heard of anyone dying from a tantrum? No? Good. Point is: your MIL will not die if she throws a fit so when she does, ignore her and stop acting like her tantrums are hurting you. Rearrange the mindset and understand that she's only hurting herself.

Have you ever heard of tantrums solving any problems? No? Good. Because that is not what I meant. If you throw a fit in front of your husband and MIL, who's getting the boot? You are. So don't do that.

Standing up for yourself doesn't mean screaming and yelling.

It means being stronger and not allowing bullies to bully you. If someone was treating me the way your MIL treated you and I **wanted **the marriage to work - I'd play just as dirty as she is.