So, I’m ignoring my MIL’s evil behavior for the past month because that’s what I thought after I did the istikhara. Well, the problem now is that my MIL’s going to another state to visit her sister next week. Also the week after I decided to throw a party because one of my friends is getting married and moving to another state. I’m only inviting our friends circle BUT MIL just told me today that I can’t have that party next week, I should have it after she comes back from NY. She’s never met this friend of mine. Besides I’m not inviting any aunties/uncles only hubby and my friends. MIL told me “mere bagair bohat aish hojati hai tumhari”…wth?!
My hubby also told her that I already called everyone and also there won't be any aunties so why does she care. But no, MIL has said no, she wants to see the fun we have.she even said if i don't call and cancel it then she will call everyone and cancel it. Of course she started crying and saying stuff like "maa ki Qadar nahi, maa ka bhi dil hota hai n blah blah blah" As if she wasn't enough interfering/controlling and now this drama! What should I do? Should I really cancel this party and wait for when she comes back or go ahead and have it when she's not here because she's just being pure evil??
Seriously, how many of you invite your MILs to a party or care that your MILs are there when it's only gonna be your hubby's and your friends??!
I know it is easier said than done. No one has power over us. We give that power to them. You hubby has to back you up to take back your lives. It's your house and they are your friends with no aunties invited. She can throw her own party in her own house if she is interested in having a party. It's good to see that your hubby is on your side and has told her that there are no aunties invited. Some MILs are very evil. They are like little spoiled brats but once you stop giving in to them and they know that you really don't care if they have their fits and you aren't going to pacify them with giving in then they lose all control. She can't do anything. She is completely dependent on you guys. Take a stand for yourself, otherwise, you will continue giving until you can give no more. And how's she going to cancel your party? Even if she has all of your friend's phone numbers, you can easily write everyone an email and say please disregard the crazy MIL.
Wouldn’t it be more fun to have the party when your MIL comes back and then watch how bored she’ll be at the party with no other uncles and aunties to give her company?
It’ll just be your and husband’s mutual friends and they won’t be interacting much with her anyways. For all her desire for control, the Queen will feel kinda out of place in her own palace for a while.
Op, rather than ask us what you should do and receive conflicting responses, why not just discuss the pros and cons of this with your husband and go along with his final decision? I think that would be better.
Going by the very last sentence of 2-n-some lines in your post, this is more about getting validation from others than actually figuring out what to do. And if that's not what it is, then it's likely to develop into that. Common sense alone says that it's an unreasonable and petty matter to get worked up over. But in the end you're gonna do what the husband decides so talk it out with him.
Indigo: I would have had the party with both MIL and FIL present but in addition to humiliating me in front of my friends and others, they also embarrass me! Actually, I wanted this party to be when they're not around. I decided the party after she told me she'll be gone. In my almost 6 yrs of marriage I have NEVER EVER thrown a party for just my/hubby's friends....NEVER! It was always dawats for MILS friends or our friends and their in-laws to give company to our in-laws. I wasn't even allowed to talk to my friends in front of MIL coz she used to say "bahu ko zyada bolna nahi chahiye doosrun ko saamne!" So, for once I want to be able to breathe easily in front of my friends and now this! Am I asking for too much?! :(
Indigo: Hubby knows his mom's tantrums, crying spells, and emotional blackmailing. I asked him first, before I decided to call everyone, he said "yeah that's a good idea". Now, I asked him again after his mom threw this fit today, and his response now is "up to you, but ammi naraaz hojayengi". So basically he knows his mom will create drama and also he knows I've never had my own time with friends before and this party was important to me, so, he's adding an "up to you" for me too. I don't know if you've read my previous posts but my hubby is a confused soul in matters relating to me and in-laws :/
And why couldn't you keep quiet about the party till MIL was gone knowing what a drama she is?
She found out while I was in MY own room, talking to hubby about it and planning the menu n stuff. She came in w/o knocking and said she actually came to call her son but overheard us! Yeah right! I know for a fact she was standing there for a long time and listening :( this was on last Saturday. She even created a crying drama and tantrum over this why we didn't tell her, to which hubby told her that he was gonna tell her that same night anyways but was waiting for a finalization....which actually isn't true. Knowing how she is, We were both planning on hiding it till she was gone! Our luck!
Tell MIL you are cancelling the party, make it sound big that you gave in to her happiness, sulk a bit, have it while she's gone, if possible request friends to keep mum about it. If she finds out about it, tell her some folks showed up and you guys ordered pizza.
When she returns and asks when's the party, tell her everyone is busy this week and party's cancelled. Sulk some more, say stuff like sab ko pehlay suit kerta tha.
If you go with Rania’s idea, then let’s hope all parties stay mum and word never gets out. There’s no guarantee.
If you don’t keep it a secret and have the party without MIL, then get husband to back you up if she confronts you when she returns. If she’ll become more spiteful, that’s something you both will have to contend with.
Or you have a bigger heart and wait until she comes back to have the party. But before doing so, husband needs to sit down with you and his ammi and abu and tell them that we compromised out of respect for you so I would like it if the party goes smoothly without any criticism, or insults, or arguments from anyone because that reflects very poorly on us as a whole family. I think it should be worded generally enough so that the message is understood, but without accusation or mentioning of names. That’ll set a ground rules for the event if it takes place after MIL’s return. If you go this route and if your husband has never had such a talk before, maybe in-laws will be more careful. If in-laws still create trouble, it bolsters your case. Continue being nice to MIL even if she puts you down before others cuz it’s really not your baizzati that’s taking place.
You can’t go all your life hiding plans from your in-laws. It’ll just worsen relations if word leaks out with not with this party, then some other occasion.
And people still believe in the joys of joint family
j/k
If they bother you so much, you guys should get a place of your own? That is a solution for so many MIL sil problems, but desis can’t leave mommy daddy after shadi eh Sorry don’t mean to be harsh
.she even said if i don't call and cancel it then she will call everyone and cancel it.
I 100% agree with Peony. Especially since your husband is not taking MIL's side and ok'ed the party....and has given you the power to decide. Go ahead with the party. I imagine your closest friends are already aware of your MILs personality. Just send an e-mail out to everyone stating the time/date/place for the party.....and clearly state that if they have ANY questions, they should speak with you directly to confirm details. If anyone calls saying that your MIL has told them the party is cancelled.........say that at her age, she gets confused easily and should be ignored. :)
No one has power over us. We give that power to them. Some MILs are very evil. They are like little spoiled brats but once you stop giving in to them and they know that you really don't care if they have their fits and you aren't going to pacify them with giving in then they lose all control.
This x 10000!!! People like this are no different than spoiled children. As long as others give into their stupid tantrums, they will continue to use them to get their way.
Seriously...keep your plans on. Sacrificing has done no good to you till now, so reward yourself a little at least. She'll get mad when she comes back, well, let her. If not the party then she'll find another reason to get angry and yell anyway. And if you still feel a little worried, then just keep mum and ask all your friends to never mention in front of your MIL about the party so she never finds out.
Either way, still have your party without your MIL.
I know it is easier said than done. No one has power over us. We give that power to them. You hubby has to back you up to take back your lives. It's your house and they are your friends with no aunties invited. She can throw her own party in her own house if she is interested in having a party. It's good to see that your hubby is on your side and has told her that there are no aunties invited. Some MILs are very evil. They are like little spoiled brats but once you stop giving in to them and they know that you really don't care if they have their fits and you aren't going to pacify them with giving in then they lose all control. She can't do anything. She is completely dependent on you guys. Take a stand for yourself, otherwise, you will continue giving until you can give no more. And how's she going to cancel your party? Even if she has all of your friend's phone numbers, you can easily write everyone an email and say please disregard the crazy MIL.
Yeah, Take advantage of her neediness/helplessness, make her pay for it. :(
Aren't we suppose to involve our ageing parents in our happiness?
Of course we must but for some people the term "Parents" mean my parents as in her parents and for his parents, goli maaro, they are dramatic people and are always wrong, vice-versa.
^^This. I personally think you should go ahead with it. But if you think it's gonna cause a big huge drama then just invite your friends out to a restaurant instead. And then you can say to your MIL that you are not having the party at home but don't say anything else.
^ Politely butting in but I believe OP feels it is a major inconvenience for her to cancel/re-do the party plans.........especially when the planned it with approval from her husband. In addition, looks like this is the very 1st time she's inviting people over after almost 6 years of marriage....and that too for a friend that's moving out of state.
I know others may disagree but I can understand OP wanting to spend an evening entertaining HER friends inside a place she calls home.....without having to worry about her MIL with whom she clearly has a tense relationship with. Its not like she's locking the MIL in the basement. The MIL will be away on vacation (visiting her sister). And based on MIL's past behavior, OP has reason to believe that MIL will prevent her from having a good time with her friends.
In my almost 6 yrs of marriage I have NEVER EVER thrown a party for just my/hubby's friends....NEVER! It was always dawats for MILS friends or our friends and their in-laws to give company to our in-laws.** I wasn't even allowed to talk to my friends in front of MIL coz she used to say "bahu ko zyada bolna nahi chahiye doosrun ko saamne!**" So, for once I want to be able to breathe easily in front of my friends and now this! Am I asking for too much?!
Sorry don’t mean to be harsh