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Is it not considered 'selfish' to expect man to love a woman who he just got married more than his relatives.
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Who considers it selfish? I think you're mixing up two points which is **COMPARING **love i.e. saying jitna A ko B se pyaar hai utna A ko C se bhi hona chaahye ya krna chaahye. Case in point the love you compared between MIL and Mum.
The key is not to think 'oh I must expect him/her to love abc as much she does to xyz'. The key is keeping each relationship in prespective aur hur rishtay ko apni jaga rakh kay 'nibhana'
(God bro you make me sound like a woman now :p )
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I don't think anyone should be considered selfish here since loving and respecting someone is not a bad thing and no one is asked to jump over the bridge for that.
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Now where have I said its selfish to expect her to love and respect my parents? :)
I said its selfish to expect her to love my parents' AS MUCH as her OWN.
No, son has no more responsibility than daughter does. Its our Pakistani households that have it all wrong. Larki ki koi zimmidari nahin apne maa baap ke taraf…vo parayi hai…bahu ayegi to saas susar ki khidmat karegi…unke apne bachon ko kya hogaya hai? Son doesnt have more. Thats “saas bhi kabhi bhi bahu thi” talking right there.
After a while, it can be expected that DIL and MIL develop a loving relationship. Lekin in the beginning, it cant be expected that both just have the TV-serial type relationship we all hope for. I mean, they will get to know each other, discover differences, fight, work through them, come a full circle and then realize how to deal with each other.
Shakky, mujhe ghussa araha tha…then I just took it all out and put my naraz wali smiley.
If you love your spouse, you will definitely try to love his parents. Lekin its natural to love your own parents more.
You will try to be fair but you are after all human and things will happen. Its wrong to expect that bahu ayegi aur saas ke pair dho dho ke piyegi. Yes, vo koshish zaroor karegi ke inlaws ke saat mil jhul ke rahe.
Let me give you an example:
Agar MILs apni DILs ko apni beti samjhein to uski ghalti ko maaf karne ka jazba bhi hona chahiye hai. Lekin thats not the case. Bahu se ghalti hoti hai and before we know it, son is in the middle of “ye mere bete ko mujh se cheenna chahti hai”. If it was her own sagi beti, usko daant ke agay barjateen. Lekin kyun ke bahu hai…its not happening.
For the sake of rishtay nibhana, people will say “bahu nahin, beti hai”. Agar beti hai to uski nadaniyon ko maaf karo. Usko sikhao…dont label her as siyasat daan aur pata nahin kya ala bala.
Who considers it selfish? I think you're mixing up two points which is **COMPARING **love i.e. saying jitna A ko B se pyaar hai utna A ko C se bhi hona chaahye ya krna chaahye. Case in point the love you compared between MIL and Mum.
The key is not to think 'oh I must expect him/her to love abc as much she does to xyz'. The key is keeping each relationship in prespective aur hur rishtay ko apni jaga rakh kay 'nibhana'
(God bro you make me sound like a woman now :p )
Now where have I said its selfish to expect her to love and respect my parents? :)
I said its selfish to expect her to love my parents' AS MUCH as her OWN.
There is a difference. :)
As someone says There is a woman or a child hidden in every man...:p
I still think selfish is a big word to use here.
I say love both. Ok to love more your own parents but do not have to either show it so openly and be a bit diplomatic or least one can do is not to hate or despise them. Trust me there are in-laws who love their DIL a lot and fight for their rights with their husbands.
I am making both husband and wife responsible here to love their respective in-laws.
Of course diwana! THat is not too much to ask at all…its the least that can be done. My point is simply that its wrong to expect so much out of someone who doesnt know how to be married yet, how to be a bahu yet, how to be a mother yet, how to be a good bhabi yet, how to be a good wife yet, etc. She is new to these roles and people around her should help her ease into her new life (because remember, its the girl that leaves her home, not the guy).
The OP seems to think girls who want to establish themselves separately do it because they have an agenda…maybe they do…a peaceful married life is on their agenda. Not to lay blame on inlaws but if two people dont get along…what is the solution? Putting them together or trying to help them establish a respectful distance? I say the latter because unless they are khoon ke rishtay, its hard to forgive.
Girl has the right to ask her husband for a home and also to be able to support her parents. She isnt doing anything wrong.
Huh? What kind of logic is that? Just like you have a special place for your parents, so does or should your husband. Nobody is asking you to replace your parents with yr in-laws but i would hope if i am going into a new family, i have same respect for them as i do for my own parents. And you are most welcome to not give me or anyone the reason but you participated in this thread with yr own choice.
And if you really think babysitting is the only advantage of a joint family set-up then i really pity the family you are married to or will be. I just hope if you are married that you chose a family-less guy.
LOL. Sounds more like i have talked about your situation which is making you boil up so much.
Don’t start up the God given right talk with me. As if everything else that God has asked of us, we r doing to perfection. Maybe you would like to be reminded of a girls duties towards the husband?!
And mind you, no Islam tells you to go for a seperation accomodation for your wife if there is no valid reason.
I think before you ever go into a joint family you should fix your attitude. My opinion. :)
I know eh! i should already started planning against my to be in-laws and hey why nt also decide on the carpets, curtains n all that i wud need for my new, seperate accomodation.
And who even said that the daughter or the son-in-law do not have their responsibilities n duties towards the girl’s parents? Stop Assuming.
No one can deny that every child has their responsibilities towards their parents b4 and after marriage and whether a girl or a boy. Especially when the married women’s parents are alone or dont have a son then her and her husband’s responsibilities are all the more.
Nobody is saying the guy’s parents have more importance, its just that Allah choose the family set-up to be within the guy’s family hence the structure of family. It could either be the girls or guys family so one has been decided and there can be no conflict on that.
Nobody asked for that comparison. Obviously the love one has for their parents can’t be compared to any1 at all. BUT you can given them equal respect and that’s what i have tried to point out.
I completely agree with this.
Where does it say in Islam that looking after your parents is strictly the son’s duty? That’s a cultural thing which needs to be scrapped fast imo. If it’s only the son’s duty to look after the parents, what about families who have no sons? Or families who have sons with no idea of responsibility? It’s just silly to say that just because a girl has ‘left’ her family she is not required to look after her parents. Heck, I have two brothers but Inshallah I’ll be there for my parents no matter what.
Allah chose the family set up within the guy’s family? I’m sorry but where does it say that in the Qur’an? Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say that a DIL is required to live with her in-laws anywhere.
Since when does living separately from your in laws equate to not having respect for them?
After seeing all these responses, main ab soch raha hoon mera kya hoga :S
since i'm the only son in my family and my mother is a type which i am pretty sure will find it almost impossible to let go of me. I am the only son between 2 sisters so my mom always gives me preference. hehe. i love making my sisters jealous.
Seems like most girls here want to live separately from their in laws. I understand the reason. I agree to the fact that it is best to live alone in the first few years of the marriage to have a better mutual understanding.
But in my case i'm the only son and i cannot live separately from my parents after marriage.
For heaven sakes how many timse have I have to type that am I not saying they shouldn’t be given love?
Have I said they shouldn’t be given respect?
ALL I HAVE SAID IS TO EXPECT HER TO LOVE MY PARENTS’ AS MUCH AS HER OWN IS UNREASONABLE.
I am all for debates, people have opinions, NOONE is right or wrong, you have your opinion I have mine. what gets me is making the same point again and again and then that point being brought up AGAIN despite me having said it multiple times.
Read these posts again please, I mentioned what you said about two three times, Reha’s post too:
We living on our own at the mo, and i HATE IT. for me, i feel detached from everyone else and when hes at work, its not all fun and games for women who are at home, people assume we watch tv all day and go shopping. in fact, its the most boring job ever, sitting at home and its worse when your alone. maybe itl be diff in few months after birth inshallah, however at the moment its a nightmare...i prefer people around me. however i guess if i was working, i may have a diffferent view.
living with in laws i think is good. depends on relationship with them. if its a good/ok one, then live with them, i dnt understand all thisfreedom rallies, all my cousins live with their in laws and are perfectly happy, and dont even want to move away. and they have all the freedom they want.
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n fact, its the most boring job ever, sitting at home and its worse when your alone
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Voluneteering work, normal work?
But you're right, your baby should take care of your attention.
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dnt understand all thisfreedom rallies, all my cousins live with their in laws and are perfectly happy, and dont even want to move away. and they have all the freedom they want.
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Oh come on everyone .. Calm down now! No need to get all personal and dirty now! Maham is not mentioning her bhabhi anywhere so no need to trash her or her family! And you too Maham, dont get all emotional. You opened this thread to get opinions, they are diff than yours, but you know what.. deal with it!
Now, personally I think joint family system can work fine if both parties want that. However, if one of them is not up for it, then better live apart and in peace. Door ke dhool suhane hote hain, paas ajayen toh bas dhab dhab hi hai :) ... A son/daughter is fully capable of taking care of their parents if they want to or feel the need for it, one doesnt need to live with them to be able to do that.
In my family every new bahu (mumanis & SIL) starts out living in a joint system for 1-2 yrs until they find their own house and I think it works out great. They get to know the family (as we marry arranged outside family) and the family gets to know the bahus. This setup eliminates alot of misunderstanding which would have been created if they lived in jointsystem for ever or started to live on their own from the very start. Aur kaal ko agar saath rehna pada, then they know each others flaws and so on
^Erm, I am talking to Maham, how about you read my name perhaps? rolleyes Or maybe after all the color use, suddenly you need colors too? Maybe you should open up your eyes before pouring rudeness right and left!
I mean, they will get to know each other, discover differences, fight, work through them, come a full circle and then realize how to deal with each other.
Mai samjha grammar bhool gai ho gee 
