To the Sons n Husbands!

[Gina]

Er ghusay kay issues hain maam saheb ko?

Unless there is only one son, or parents' need to be taken care of what is wrong with living alone? My parents are self-sufficient, have excellent full-time jobs mashAllah, and only want me to marry when I can get my own place and afford my own expenses like a man instead of mooching off my maa baap and I agree with them. My wife will leave HER home, ghar, family and I think it would be easier for her to adapt if its ony me and her living alone. In later life when my parents' or her parents' need help then ofcourse Ill have them live with me, that would be coomon sense. What is so cold hearted and un-loving about that?

Does it look like I am having issues with my parents?

I am making stupid statements?

Aap ki post dekh kay lagta hai aaj school se bachon ko jaldi chuti ho gai hai, the phrase 'moo khlonay se pehlay sochna zaroori hai' seems apt here for you :)

Aapki post parh ke hum kuch badal se gaye, sher parhnay lagaye gungunna ne laggay..pehlay mashoor thi apni sanjeedgi ab toh jab dikhiye muskuranay lagaye..

[Syraa]

1) When your wife was living ather parent's home, apparently she didnt have any problem living with her family for 20+ years then settling with her new family shouldnt be that hard. BUT for that it is important that she takes your family as her own.

2) Its about unity, living together and having a united family. NOT that you can be united if u live apart but why live apart if there is no reason for it.** I don't think wanting a seperate home is any good reason. What for?**

3) There are much more advantages of living in a joint family set-up. As for the issues, well we have them even when we live with our own family but does that make us live apart from them? No.

What about just wanting your own place and your own space where you can get to know your partner and vice versa without other people interfering? Especially in those first years of marriage.

My parents never lived in a joint family system neither did my grandparents. So for me it's something that I'm just not accustomed to. Also, a lot of guys live away from their parent's house nowadays due to jobs etc. So more often than not he already has his own place. That doesn't mean he doesn't have respect for his parents though.

Personally, although I can see the advantages of a joint family system it just isn't for me, I'd prefer to have my own home. That being said if I was required to live in a joint family system I'm pretty sure I could get used to it.

[NaMaan]

LOL. That's mean! its better not to live together if it is done for financial reasons.

Btw, i wonder wht kind of a strong tream will be the result of disoriented families. I doubt it would be any good.

We might wont' realize it but financial reasons are reality of our poor Pakistani society . Even our parents were not as well off when they go married and they been through all those tough times . But they still stick together as a team . If they can do it , then why can't us .

[Maham]

What about just wanting your own place and your own space where you can get to know your partner and vice versa without other people interfering? Especially in those first years of marriage.

But that's my point na, why don't u want yr own place and space when ur living with yr family?!

And like i said in my earlier post, In-laws have to give their bahu that love n space she needs to be comfortable with them. So there is no questioning that she should get that but don't come into the new family, the new home with preconceived ideas that come what may, i just can't adjust with them.

We might wont' realize it but financial reasons are reality of our poor Pakistani society . Even our parents were not as well off when they go married and they been through all those tough times . But they still stick together as a team . If they can do it , then why can't us .

Ya they sticked together as a team cuz of love, care and respect for each other. That's what i had like to believe and not so that they can work less hard but live comfortably.

[Shak]

Reha Often times, the household is too large to accomodate another couple with their own wishes of how to live.

**Sehrysh **I think a couple should live on their own for the first few years of their marriage. They, the newly married couple, learn to work together as a unit and establish a mutual understanding of their future goals.

Completely agree!

How Funny. So why not rebel against our own parents first for dictating us?

Kya rules hai boss. Apne parents ke liye different and inlaws ke liye different.

1. So what if older one is taking care of his parents? does tht mean u r nt liable anymore? huh? who gives a damn abt financial support, there is alot more to a sons n daughters responsibilities towards their parents.

2. Lady of the house? Hahaha…Rite. I think its more about the lady wanting to get rid of her inlaws and getting her family into the house which goes against the law of nature. So tough luck.

Maham, she obviously meant before marriage our life revolves around our parents right? Marriage is growing up, agar marriage kay baad hur cheez pe maa baap ki dictation leni hai wouldn’t you say thats highly immature?

And I already mentioned about care, parents’ have jobs e.g. mine, they don’t need care, most of the time they’re self-sufficient and independent. Also I think maa baap spend all their £££££££ all their life for their children so to let them live in sakoon for a few years with each other without them having to worry about children wouldn’t be bad no? And as I said if they needed help, mine or her parents’ then taking care of them would be common sense.

There are much more advantages of living in a joint family set-up. As for the issues, well we have them even when we live with our own family but does that make us live apart from them? No.

I disagree and these four posts really sum up my view too

Syraa What about just wanting your own place and your own space where you can get to know your partner and vice versa without other people interfering? Especially in those first years of marriage.

Reha Often times, you will find men who understand how their mothers and wives will interact and try to save the relationship pre-World War IV.

**Sehrysh **The sons and parents (and any sibs) are grappling with a new relationship between them - the son is not just their son, he’s now a husband, so all of the changes again get attributed to his marriage. It’s for this reason, I think a couple should live on their own for the first few years of their marriage. They, the newly married couple, learn to work together as a unit and establish a mutual understanding of their future goals.

NamaanA fter marriage I think its more of a team building exercise . Of course if man and wife can live alone then chances are that they’ll be able to build a stronger team . For the very same reason we have concept of ‘honeymoon’ . Both need to be in sync . Having your own place to live is ideal situation .

Each to their own, all the answers are above and in this thread, I have seen it work and I have seen it not work in my family. But I doubt I’d prefer it for Mrs Shak, getting to know her better would be by living alone. And thankfully my parents agree with me so no hassle

Aapki post parh ke hum kuch badal se gaye, sher parhnay lagaye gungunna ne laggay..pehlay mashoor thi apni sanjeedgi ab toh jab dikhiye muskuranay lagaye..

Gina

Ash cloud is done by the way, aur badalna hai cupcakes penkh do. They have feelings too

[Sara516]

Re: To the Sons n Husbands!

Dang.

[Syraa]

But that's my point na, why don't u want yr own place and space when ur living with yr family?!

And like i said in my earlier post, In-laws have to give their bahu that love n space she needs to be comfortable with them. So there is no questioning that she should get that but don't come into the new family, the new home with preconceived ideas that come what may, i just can't adjust with them.

I definitely agree with that, entering a marriage with those negative preconceptions will get you nowhere.

Every family is different, some people want there sons to have their own place while others prefer that their sons lived with them. Basically, there's nothing wrong with a joint family system and there's nothing wrong with living separately either.

[diwana]

Re: To the Sons n Husbands!

Like I said before: Too many women are against women these days.

And …there is no need to go in to marriage with preconcieved idea that in-laws are evil.

Surprisingly, girls are taught or are given the ideas these days by their moms, girl friends to somehow hate in-laws…another women.

And then they blame men for not supporting them if problem comes.

[Reha]

1) When your wife was living ather parent's home, apparently she didnt have any problem living with her family for 20+ years then settling with her new family shouldnt be that hard. BUT for that it is important that she takes your family as her own.

2) Its about unity, living together and having a united family. NOT that you can be united if u live apart but why live apart if there is no reason for it. I don't think wanting a seperate home is any good reason. What for?

3) There are much more advantages of living in a joint family set-up. As for the issues, well we have them even when we live with our own family but does that make us live apart from them? No.

I apologise if i was harsh in my earlier post but i just get so disappointed seeing people have no interest in joint families set-up.

Her parents are HER parents. They gave birth to her, gave her life, raised her, educated her, etc. No one can compare themselves to the status one's own parents have...MIL did none of that so please dont ask for the same place as her parents.

WHy does anyone need to have a good reason? WHo does this good reason need to be given to? THe MIL? You?

No, the only advantage to living with inlaws is free babysitting. Thats it.

In the beginning, no one will be interested in joint family system. Thats life and a couple in love.

Ya i know, i did ask for opinion and my reply was my opinion.

1) So what if older one is taking care of his parents? does tht mean u r nt liable anymore? huh? who gives a damn abt financial support, there is alot more to a sons n daughters responsibilities towards their parents.

2) *Lady of the house? Hahaha....Rite. I think its more about the lady wanting to get rid of her inlaws and getting her family into the house which goes against the law of nature. So tough luck. *

I am def against inlaws pressuring their sons or dils for anything or interfering too much but i believe if u r sensitive towards them then there r 85% chances they wl be fair to u as well.

Hmmmmmmmmmm..........I think this post is about your bhabi if you have one. Or a cousin bhabi if thats the case. She can be the Lady of the House...its her God given right and there is nothing you can do or say about it that will change that. It is as simple as that.

Her parents is just as deserving as your parents of care and concern. You are a female fighting for your parents and she is a female fighting for hers. VO larki kisi ke beti ha...why do inlaws forget that? As for the laws of nature....well I think you're talking about Pakistani nature...not human nature. :)

If you have someone to look after them physically, there should be no reason for any guy to hold back in helping his inlaws.

That's where the in-laws duties n responsibilities come in. They ought to provide their bahu with a comfortable atmospher, space and lots love so that she adjusts eaisly. That's why my post did mention that IF there was no valid reason for moving out.

How Funny. So why not rebel against our own parents first for dictating us?

Kya rules hai boss. Apne parents ke liye different and inlaws ke liye different.

Apne parents APNE parents hote hein. Ye KHUDA ka banaya huwa rishta hai...insaan ka nahin. Thats it. No one can replace or take the place of your mother or father no matter how nice they are. If I had to choose between donating a lung (Allah na karay) to my mother or angelic MIL...it would be my mother I would choose because she gave me the life I am living today. Not my MIL. My MIL deserves utmost respect and care and concern lekin when it comes down to it, I will of course want to care for my parents before anyone else's. THAT is a law of nature.

Bottom line: she deserves space for herself if her husband can give it to her. She also deserves to care for her parents. She also deserves to have a good relationship with her inlaws because she hasnt done anything wrong by wanting the above things.

[diwana]

Her parents are HER parents. They gave birth to her, gave her life, raised her, educated her, etc. No one can compare themselves to the status one's own parents have...MIL did none of that so please dont ask for the same place as her parents.

WHy does anyone need to have a good reason? WHo does this good reason need to be given to? THe MIL? You?

*No, the only advantage to living with inlaws is free babysitting. Thats it. *

In the beginning, no one will be interested in joint family system. Thats life and a couple in love.

Hmmmmmmmmmm..........I think this post is about your bhabi if you have one. Or a cousin bhabi if thats the case. She can be the Lady of the House...its her God given right and there is nothing you can do or say about it that will change that. It is as simple as that.

Her parents is just as deserving as your parents of care and concern. You are a female fighting for your parents and she is a female fighting for hers. VO larki kisi ke beti ha...why do inlaws forget that? As for the laws of nature....well I think you're talking about Pakistani nature...not human nature. :)

If you have someone to look after them physically, there should be no reason for any guy to hold back in helping his inlaws.

Apne parents APNE parents hote hein. Ye KHUDA ka banaya huwa rishta hai...insaan ka nahin. Thats it. No one can replace or take the place of your mother or father no matter how nice they are. If I had to choose between donating a lung (Allah na karay) to my mother or angelic MIL...it would be my mother I would choose because she gave me the life I am living today. Not my MIL. My MIL deserves utmost respect and care and concern lekin when it comes down to it, I will of course want to care for my parents before anyone else's. THAT is a law of nature.

Bottom line: she deserves space for herself if her husband can give it to her. She also deserves to care for her parents. She also deserves to have a good relationship with her inlaws because she hasnt done anything wrong by wanting the above things.

Wow! That's it? Free babysitting? And how about being the parents of the man they married or love?

What about just being elders and needing help themselves?

What about if they actually love the woman who married their son?

How about if DIL one day becomes a MIL herself?

How long this nonsense will go on?

And no one expect or should force these women to replace their love and be directed to in-laws only. It is just in the heads of women/girls to be negative about in-laws.

The lung donation is voluantary by the way. No one can force anyone for it and to whom it be given.

[Sara516]

**Why? What does the today world teach you? to be cold, mean and disoriented?

Give me a break. Don't make stupid statements. **

1) When your wife was living ather parent's home, apparently she didnt have any problem living with her family for 20+ years then settling with her new family shouldnt be that hard. BUT for that it is important that she takes your family as her own.

2) *Lady of the house? Hahaha....Rite. I think its more about the lady wanting to get rid of her inlaws and getting her family into the house which goes against the law of nature. So tough luck. *

How Funny. So why not rebel against our own parents first for dictating us?

Kya rules hai boss. Apne parents ke liye different and inlaws ke liye different.

But that's my point na, why don't u want yr own place and space when ur living with yr family?!

I think before you ever go into a joint family you should fix your attitude. My opinion. :)

[diwana]

But that's my point na, why don't u want yr own place and space when ur living with yr family?!

And like i said in my earlier post, In-laws have to give their bahu that love n space she needs to be comfortable with them. So there is no questioning that she should get that but don't come into the new family, the new home with preconceived ideas that come what may, i just can't adjust with them.

Ya they sticked together as a team cuz of love, care and respect for each other. That's what i had like to believe and not so that they can work less hard but live comfortably.

Absolutely!

Too much negativity does not help anyone.

[Reha]

@diwana

Wow! That’s it? Free babysitting? And how about being the parents of the man they married or love?

What about just being elders and needing help themselves?

What about if they actually love the woman who married their son?

How about if DIL one day becomes a MIL herself?

How long this nonsense will go on?

And no one expect or should force these women to replace their love and be directed to in-laws only. It is just in the heads of women/girls to be negative about in-laws.

The lung donation is voluantary by the way. No one can force anyone for it and to whom it be given.

ALL of my points are IF and ONLY IF inlaws are already being taken care of physically and/or financially by an elder sibling or another sibling.

AND one more thing. There ARE families that DO NOT have sons to take care of them. If a woman gets married, sees that her inlaws are provided for and dont direly need their other son, there is NOTHING wrong with her wanting to support her parents or be there for them ALONG WITH her HUSBAND.

By NO MEANS am I saying its okay for any woman to walk out on her inlaws when they are in need of help and support from their kids. She should be there for them because one day she will need the same from her son and/or daughter.

Lekin saying that she is not entitled to her own living arrangements, freedom, space or even to support her own parents is 100000000% wrong. If I get married and my husband okay’s it I will give all of my earnings to my parents…kaun rokega? They’re also OUR responsibility just like HIS parents are OUR resposibility.

WHY DO OUR PAKISTANI PEOPLE FORGET KE LARKI BHI KISI KI AULAD HOTI HAI? IT TAKES 9 MONTHS TO POP OUT A BABY BOY AND BABY GIRL. COLLEGE TUITION DOESNT CHANGE ACCORDING TO GENDER. I KNOW IT ISNT CHEAPER TO RAISE A GIRL. SO WHY DONT HER PARENTS COUNT ANYMORE AFTER SHE GETS MARRIED? LARKI PARAI HOGAYI HAI IS A HINDU CONCEPT AND WE NEED TO GET IT OUT OF SKULLS. LARKON KE MAAN BAAP DONT DESERVE ANYMORE THAN LARKI KE MAAN BAAP.

Dont make me ghussa

[diwana]

@Reha

ALL of my points are IF and ONLY IF inlaws are already being taken care of physically and/or financially by an elder sibling or another sibling.

AND one more thing. There ARE families that DO NOT have sons to take care of them. If a woman gets married, sees that her inlaws are provided for and dont direly need their other son, there is NOTHING wrong with her wanting to support her parents or be there for them ALONG WITH her HUSBAND.

By NO MEANS am I saying its okay for any woman to walk out on her inlaws when they are in need of help and support from their kids. She should be there for them because one day she will need the same from her son and/or daughter.

Lekin saying that she is not entitled to her own living arrangements, freedom, space or even to support her own parents is 100000000% wrong. If I get married and my husband okay’s it I will give all of my earnings to my parents…kaun rokega? They’re also OUR responsibility just like HIS parents are OUR resposibility.

WHY DO OUR PAKISTANI PEOPLE FORGET KE LARKI BHI KISI KI AULAD HOTI HAI? IT TAKES 9 MONTHS TO POP OUT A BABY BOY AND BABY GIRL. COLLEGE TUITION DOESNT CHANGE ACCORDING TO GENDER. I KNOW IT ISNT CHEAPER TO RAISE A GIRL. SO WHY DONT HER PARENTS COUNT ANYMORE AFTER SHE GETS MARRIED? LARKI PARAI HOGAYI HAI IS A HINDU CONCEPT AND WE NEED TO GET IT OUT OF SKULLS. LARKON KE MAAN BAAP DONT DESERVE ANYMORE THAN LARKI KE MAAN BAAP.

Dont make me ghussa

Too emotional Reha!

I agree with all your points in this post.

But What you wrote above that they are good only for free babysitting was not good. Also there is no need to shift love on to MIL only. Your post suggested it.

And I have mentioned that there should not be a reason force anyone to do anything unless his parents are in need.

There are bad in laws and there are bad real parents too.

[Reha]

Too emotional Reha! :)

I agree with all your points in this post.

But What you wrote above that they are good only for free babysitting was not good. Also there is no need to shift love on to MIL only. Your post suggested it.

And I have mentioned that there should not be a reason force anyone to do anything unless his parents are in need.

There are bad in laws and there are bad real parents too.

Yes, I get emotional about this topic because I am one of 4 girls with no brothers. If someone told me apne maan baap ko bhool jao...mein sabse pehle use bhula dungi.

The free baby-stting part was sarcasm and a joke. Most of the time, they can guide you and help you become better people. Yes. Lekin, I dont see any issues with living separately either. If my husband and I live across the street even, it gives me some privacy so we can at least fight sukoon se (as ironic as that might sound). What if I want to cook for just the two of us one day? Husband and wife I believe should live alone for a little while so they can sort out their differences, if any.

As far as bad inlaws and bad parents. Well, if I was living with the bad inlaws...Im sure the husband would say "bardasht karo, vo mere maa baap hein, they raised me, etc." Mein kya asmaan se tapki thi? :)

Sure, there are bad parents too lekin we dont walk away from them do we? If I started a thread on how horrible my MIL is, I would get 50+ responses saying "nahinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...do sabr" because she is his mother and she is old and etc. So, what about my mama? She isnt old? If she is mean, I should leave her?

[diwana]

Yes, I get emotional about this topic because I am one of 4 girls with no brothers. If someone told me apne maan baap ko bhool jao...mein sabse pehle use bhula dungi.

The free baby-stting part was sarcasm and a joke. Most of the time, they can guide you and help you become better people. Yes. Lekin, I dont see any issues with living separately either. If my husband and I live across the street even, it gives me some privacy so we can at least fight sukoon se (as ironic as that might sound). What if I want to cook for just the two of us one day? Husband and wife I believe should live alone for a little while so they can sort out their differences, if any.

As far as bad inlaws and bad parents. Well, if I was living with the bad inlaws...Im sure the husband would say "bardasht karo, vo mere maa baap hein, they raised me, etc." Mein kya asmaan se tapki thi? :)

Sure, there are bad parents too lekin we dont walk away from them do we? If I started a thread on how horrible my MIL is, I would get 50+ responses saying "nahinnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...do sabr" because she is his mother and she is old and etc. So, what about my mama? She isnt old? If she is mean, I should leave her?

No. No one should leave his or parent despite they may not be ideal or good.

There is no compulsion for women to live with MIL ....unless they are not able to live independently.

Just as girls have their obligation to their parents, son has probably more since his sisters leave house too.

What I am for is to accept each other parents as YOURS from day one.
Most of the problems will be solved.

His mother also suffered 9 months just like her mother. And both are women. :)

I do not understand how women including MIL and DIL can be so hateful of each others?

[Shak]

Re: To the Sons n Husbands!

What I am for is to accept each other parents as YOURS from day one.
Most of the problems will be solved.

Easier said than done

There will be lots of respect obviously but accepting the magnitude of thing you’re saying would only come after getting to know them more. Its human nature.

Reha. your caps locks post is edited, batao batao origninal waali may kya type kiya tha

[diwana]

@Shak09

Easier said than done

There will be lots of respect obviously but accepting the magnitude of thing you’re saying would only come after getting to know them more. Its human nature.

Reha. your caps locks post is edited, batao batao origninal waali may kya type kiya tha

Not difficult** if one loves his or her spouse** and nothing bad they have done.

It is the predetermined thought process which is bad.

Don’t you think it would hurt your spouse if you love more your own parents and show it too, than his or her parents?

[Shak]

Don’t you think it would hurt your spouse if you love more your own parents and show it too, than his or her parents?

Why does my respect/love for her parents has to be compared with respect and love to my own parents? :aq:

Er don’t you think it would be a bit selfish of me to expect her to love my parents’ (who she wouldn’t know much about) to her own parents’ who had brought her up?

Its like her asking me to love her brother the same as I do mine or me asking her to love my sister/cousin same as she does her sister. Not happening, there will be respect love no doubt about it. But noone can subsitute my parents’ for anyone and same would go for her. Doesn’t make sense.

Read Reha’s post again mate.

[diwana]

@Shak09

Why does my respect/love for her parents has to be compared with respect and love to my own parents? :aq:

Er don’t you think it would be a bit selfish of me to expect her to love my parents’ (who she wouldn’t know much about) to her own parents’ who had brought her up?

Its like her asking me to love her brother the same as I do mine or me asking her to love my sister/cousin same as she does her sister. Not happening, there will be respect love no doubt about it. But noone can subsitute my parents’ for anyone and same would go for her. Doesn’t make sense.

Read Reha’s post again mate.

For the counter argument: Is it not considered ‘selfish’ to expect man to love a woman who he just got married more than his relatives. Just to make a point here bro. His relatives had more time spent with him than her right?

I don’t think anyone should be considered selfish here since loving and respecting someone is not a bad thing and no one is asked to jump over the bridge for that.

This mindset is the root cause of all the MIL/DIL or any in-laws problems in families.

I did read Reha’s post.

Come on why use the word selfish… just to repeat my point here.