The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Okay so most of you know by now that I am a spoilt only child that takes care of her elderly mom. I have read many threads on elderly parents but i feel like its a no win situation.

I am scared and frustrated. Just frustrated, I am always trying to fit in my mom and accomodate her needs. I feel that the more that I do that the more of what is asked of me. I guess the most recent thing is that Its reached boiling point and I do not know how to go on anymore.

Okay it first started with thunder. She is petrified with it. She gets really scared to the point that she tries and unplugs everything the house, turns off the tv and at many points runs to next door neighbours houses when it starts to thunder. I have been called at work because she is scared and asked by her to please come home. Its come to the point now that I am scared. I don’t know what to do

Then its the light. She needs some sort of light to go to sleep. We sleep in the same room so it makes it difficult as I am the extreme opposite. I cannot sleep with any sort of light. I have tried and sometimes because of it I am the one that has the sleepless nights and hence in a bad mood in the morning when i need to go to work. She doesn’t want to try sleeping in diff rooms.

Now its the items on the dressing table. She needs to pack them away each night (don’t know why) but its got something to do with she gets scared. I know I am being a ***** but common. What can i do. I am stuck bringing home the bread and butter and it makes me miserable. I have tried my best to do my best in the situation.

When I am home its like we are living as two lifeless souls. But when we go to her family who don’t even take any responsiblity for anything, she is all full of life etc. I tell her to find a hobby I enrolled her into classes but no.

I have lost friends, relationships and well my life, trying to build us a home and well like me when she gets angry she says things that even after years have passed her words hurt.

I am by no means perfect. But I try, I am trying to build us a life and well its not working.

I feel hopeless and ask for prayers and well advice, advice as to how you would manage. I feel if I am having issues with lights on lights off matter. How did you guys adjust to your other half who had such issues as the ones that I have described.

I always tell myself to try and tackle it by thinking that if I had a husband who was scared off thunder, lights on, bottles on the dressing table how I would handle it but it doesn’t seem to work

any ideas…

why do people have only children…

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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

wow seems like u've got a lot to handle..i dunno wat to say other than just think of all the blessings you are getting MA

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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

How elderly is your mum?

Does she have any health issues?

Which country do you live in?

Im sure there must be some sort of community service wherebys your mum could be visited by a carer for a couple of hours during the day.

As for the night time thing, im like you, I cant sleep with any noise or light. Try those eye mask things you get...im forgetting the name for them.

This fear thing she has is worrying, perhaps a visit to the GP?

Which cities you have lived in by far and which one is your favorite???
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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

Try thinking of it as a child who is always scared and has these nakhray?
She seems very childlike, (not immature).

i can't help u much but whatever u are doing, Allah swt will reward you for it.

5

Maybe she has OCD. Have her checked out by a shrink. They have pills that can make her get over this.

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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

As a first-time mom myself, I can tell you that she probably went through all that and more when you were a child. Sleepless nights when the baby starts crying for milk every 2 hours, 24 hours work (without any breaks) and zero social life.... I have one child and trust me, the first few years were so tough... I was like a zombie. My husband did/does help but I swear when you're a mother, you just end up doing all the major chores associated with raising a child. When a child is afraid of monsters or thunder or dark or is just upset, he/she reaches out to the mother not the dad. You're MashaAllah lucky that your mom is reaching out to you. I miss my mom :(

If I had to do what you're doing and more I would do it. Consider it a small khidmat for all that your mom did when she was raising you.

Try to find alternatives to the issues... like get a light-blocking sleep mask for nights, arrange for a friend/neighbors to stay with her for some time if there's thunder, set up your vanity table in another room that you can get ready in. You can definitely have a different room, right... just go to her room at night to sleep.... that would a nice arrangement. Keep doing what you're doing, mashaAllah you're doing great.

But yeah, do try to spend some time with friends as it does get frustrating spending all your time with one person. Ask your mom to have some nice aunty gatherings or something to keep her happy too.

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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

Try getting a soft night light for her and make sure it stays on her side of the room, not yours.

Try taking her to community programs like a Dars or something of that nature. You have to take her in the beginning to get her used to it and then let her go on her own.

Get her involved in volunteer work at the masjid or have her babysit a few kids at home.

Help her develop a hobby.

You have to keep her busy. Activity is good for any age and I highly recommend not just telling her to do stuff...do it with her to start off and then let her go on her own. The reason for this is once parents get a little older, they stop doing new things. They dont take risks or try something different like you and I would. It scares them. So you do with her to show her she will be okay.

Hope this helps.

MUQAWEEE ki...........CHiRYa
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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

1) **Ask her why she's scared of the thunder? Bad childhood experience, for example? Encourage her to recite Ayatul Kursi, 3 Quls***, ...and to do* tasbeeh **when she feels afraid. It is said that dhikr (remembrance of Allah) brings peace to the heart. And advise her to put her faith and trust in Allah. Since He controls the weather, then make dua that the rain be a blessing and not a calamity. She can try listening to calming nasheed or relaxing music. You can even suggest her talking to a psychologist about her fear.

**2) **It can depend on how bright the light is. A lamp light or even regular room lights can be too bright for most people to get any sleep. But, you can try buying small "night lights" that are not too bright. Does your mom go to sleep quickly? If so, then you can move to a different room when you see that she's asleep. Or you can try wearing the night/sleeping blindfolds.

3) **Hmm, is she afraid of the things on the dressing table? Encourage her to talk to you about why she feels afraid. If this is a nightly ritual for her.......then tell her to start packing those items a few hours **BEFORE you go to sleep so that you won't feel as disturbed. Instead of packing those items away each night......is it possible for her to place those items on the dressing table of a different room? That way.....those items will not be in the room she'll be sleeping in. And no packing will be required.

**4) **Where is your dad, Zash? Is he helping in any of this? She probably wants her family's approval and therefore acts in a way that would help her earn that. You said she's close to her family. Is there anybody from her own family that you trust enough........who can motivate your mom to take classes or pursue a hobby. Somebody who wouldn't mind joining with her? An aunt? grandmother? cousin? Or at least some relative besides yourself that will encourage her?

5) ** I know it's hard. Try talking to her. Tell her you want to help her....but that she has to try to compromise with you because the situation is making it difficult for you to concentrate at work because you feel exhausted and that it's important for you to feel well-rested for work because you're trying to support the both of you. Sit down with her.......and get her involved in the brainstorming solutions.Try telling her, "Mom, I want you to feel comfortable BUT I also want me to have energy for work. SO, can we both try to find ways to compromise to make things easier for us?"** Then propose suggestions.

Habits and fears transcend number of offspring :) Your mom would have had the same fears and habits even if she had more than one child. I hope things get better soon.

9

Just ask her

  • If she complained when You were a kid and you used to get scared of thunder and lightning. Was she not used to leave whatever she was doing and came to you?

  • Ask her if she complained when u gave he countless sleepless nights you gave her when you were a baby/kid?

  • Ask her is she complained when she had to cleanup all the mess in the house that u used to do when you were a kid and used to sleep at your own discretion without feeling the responsibility

  • Ask her if she complained when you used to become more active and playful when you were among your friends?

  • ASk her if she complained when she had to reduce her social circle just so that she can take care of you?

and finally ask yourself, why people have children like you? any idea?

PS: You have your mother with you. Earn your heaven instead of complaining.

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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give…

^ Decent 6 Chora…

I’ve had students who were very ill…and their parents told them to “stick it out” as opposed to dropping everything and coming to pick up the kid.

I’ve seen parents who refuse to pick up the baby every single time it cries because they don’t want to spoil the baby. They want the child to have endurance and not get used to being coddled all the time.

EVEN PARENTS will complain to their peers about how dirty their kids’ rooms are…how kids can be stubborn…or picky eaters …or fussy sleepers.

I’ve seen parents show their kids…a concept…called TOUGH LOVE. Being firm with their kids…and giving them some space…so they can learn independence. I’ve seen parents…push their kids out and away from themselves so that they’ll have the courage to go to school for the first time.

You can’t simplify the role of parenting like that and use it to give the poster a guilt trip. Because that’s ALL that you did in your post. You did little to help her…did little to provide suggestions…and only tried to make her feel guilty. SHE SAID IN HER POST that she knows she’s not perfect.

Even parents (like children) are human beings who lose control of their emotions and are prone to making mistakes and acting ridiculous. She hasn’t asked advice on how to get rid of her mother. She’s asking for suggestions on how to cope and make things easier. EVEN PARENTS find ways to run their homes more smoothly. And that is what Zash is trying to do here. You can tell from the tone in her post that she doesn’t feel great about “venting” or “complaining.” She wants support/ideas…not total nijaat from her mom.
**
“Why people have children like you??”** That’s rather harsh. Although I’ve heard DESI MOMS say that sometimes they wish they hadn’t had their kids…or they wish they could leave their kids and go somewhere…LOL.

**SHE NEVER SAID **“Why do I have to have a mom like that?” She only said “Why do people have only kids?”…referring to mainly to number of children. :smack:

And another thing…if you had read her PREVIOUS posts…you’d know that she’s not the complaining rebel that you picture. Rather she has been through A LOT in her life…and has showed much tolerance.

3 Prime Ministers of PTI: Hamid Mir
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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

^ Call me whatever but I know a hadit that

"maa baap k hukum tum per man-na lazim hai unless k its against teachings of Islam and/or prophet"

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I know that, DC. But not everything in Islam is black and white. Things blur. Many factors are considered in judgment. For example, lying in general is not allowed.......but there are situations when it is permissible.

Think of this example. When a parent knows that a child is suffering or scared.......doesn't that parent try to figure out ways to help their child become stronger? Doesn't a GOOD parent help their child learning coping skills so that they can face the real world?

If a child is afraid to go to the bathroom........is the parent going to pamper the child by accompanying him/her to the bathroom AT ALL TIMES????? If that was the case............how will that child learn to use the bathroom** independently** and without fear in the future? The parents will be firm with the child. This is not an indication of cruelty. This is an example of the parent's love.......an attempt to make their child confront his/her fear and become stronger and feel more comfortable.

^So, is a parent who firmly tells a child "I'm not going to to go to the bathroom, I want you to try it by yourself."............a MEAN parent? No! They're only trying to implement strategies to make things easier for their kid.

That is what Zash is trying to do. She's trying to find ways to make her mom cope with situations while she is at work earning money for the both of them...........and she's trying to find ways to help her mom become stronger. Concern for your parents is an indication of Love.

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See the main difference?

Kids are in the process of LEARNING and GROWING so parents try to TEACH them all these things like "wash your potty your self... i will not do it for you"

while on the other hands parents are AGING and most probably are growing towards the stage where it will be almost impossible to learn anything (off course I should not mind trying)

Anyways I see and respect your point of view. I was just telling MY point of view and what would I do if I was in Zesh01's shoes.

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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

^ That's true. Parents teach us when we're younger because we're in the learning process.

But at the same time.....all of life is continuous journey of development and learning. And it is said that the ROLE of the parents and children **reverses **as you grow older.

As your parents grow older......you find yourselves acting like the parent.....and trying to teach/help/take care of them.

But, I see where you're coming from.

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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

I think she is speaking from a more worried place then anything else.

When you see your parents who were once very strong and able become so weak and scared, it scares you a little.

She is simply trying to understand her mother and come up with ways to deal with her in a respectful manner...she doesnt want to hurt her. Basically, help her so she feels better.

Wouldnt you want to help your mother DC if she was feeling this way and going through something similar? So why is she a bad child if she does?

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Re: The more you accomodate the more you have to give....

Zash - I don't get it. Why are you sleeping in the same room? I know you mentioned she is scared but still you need to find ways to make your mom comfortable and feel secure and she must learn to be in her own room.

Who else lives with you? Where is your dad? or other siblings?

It is obvious that your mom is suffering from some panic attacks if she feels the need to call you home even if its thunderstorm out there.

What you can do is - try and "be there for her over the phone". Tell her that she will be fine. See if you can make small arrangements for someone to come visit with her if you are not there.

The fact that your mom feels that she can call you anytime - and the fact that you will be there any time - is not going to help you in anyways in this situation.

It seems your mom is "lonely" and is seeking "comfort" by pulling in "attention" as a main source to keep you near her.

By the way how old are you?

time pass...WELCOME AUGUST ~*~ پاکستان زِنده با د‎ ~*~
time pass...WELCOME AUGUST ~*~ پاکستان زِنده با د‎ ~*~