Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
No I usually short list them when I can't carry the conversation past 10 minutes and I'm a huge talker. I usually have an idea of the range of someone's income and USUALLY does not bother me. But lack of an education does. Minimum you should have gone to college otherwise I won't be a compatible wife. I don't think that's asking for too much, but it is. Many desi families can't afford college.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
I'm doing it. I was born and raised in the US, I'm college educated, and I'm very career driven. My fiance was born and raised in Pakistan and now lives and works in Saudi. He has always told me that he can live anywhere (Pakistan, Saudi, or US) as long as I'm happy. So he left the decision completely up to me. It wasn't an easy decision and I put a lot of thought into it, but eventually I decided that I would move to Saudi. My decision was based on a lot of factors. The most important being the fact that aside from my parents, my fiance is the best person I've ever known. He is respectful, supportive, loving, and he places my happiness above all else. If you had asked me 2 or 3 years ago if I would ever be willing to move to Saudi Arabia, I would have told you something along the lines of, "Nope. Not ever. Wouldn't happen in a million years." But then I met him and as I got to know him, I realized this was a sacrifice I would be willing to make for him. He is happy in Saudi...he has a good job and is settled there. I knew how much it would mean to him if I were to move there. Yes, it means giving up my career and a lot of rights I have here in the States (driving, going out alone, etc), but I know I'll always have his love and support to help me through the adjustments. I'm actually quite excited about the move. He was thrilled by my decision and I'm looking forward to new experiences in a new place which will help broaden my horizons. Of course, who knows what will happen in the future? I may hate it there we may decide to move back to the US. But there's always the chance that I'll end up liking it there and we'll stay.
I think we are focusing too much on the negative stories in this thread. As another poster stated, we all know of success stories as well. I have several cousins and friends who have married guys from Pakistan and they all have very successful marriages. I think keeping an open mind is key here.
I would really like to know how long u stay there after u get married. Like I'm not saying it sarcastically but just drop me a message when u move somewhere else. Or if u get really bored drop me a line while ur here :). Make sure u start takin vitamin d supplements because ironically in a country that the sun shines 365 days a year almost all the women have a serious deficiency.
P.S I'm not being sarcastic about the supplements either, apparently they don't sell the good stuff here. (25 ug or 1000IU is what ud look for)
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
I think it's even scarier to live in Saudi under a perpetual fear of speaking your mind and then getting called a churail by the ministry of Vice and Virtue.
Don't worry they won't understand u if u don't express ur mind in Arabic.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
I wouldn't mind moving to Pakistan at all. As I stated before, he is currently employed in Saudi Arabia and that is why the plan is for me to move there. I figured the least I can do is give it a chance. If it turns out that I can't stand living there, we'll make a decision together about what to do next.
Thats what my hubby said too before we got married. But when it comes to making the move all the little obstacles becomes big obstacles and the temporary workplace becomes a permenant one. If ur fiancé has no family ties here then thats a plus, it'll make ur moving away easier (as in he won't have to worry about leaving his family if he leaves the country).
Sorry I sound a little bitter... But maybe that's because I am. I need like atleast 3 vacations a year to keep me sane. And ofcourse if ur fiancé works for the big daddies like Aramco I think they take good enough care of u to make u stay put. I've seen families moving from US/Canada to work for them, they bear with the social restrictions cuz they're compensated well and companies like Aramco have a lot of programs in place to help the wives and kids enjoy their time here.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
Sasha, are you living there now?
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
I would really like to know how long u stay there after u get married. Like I'm not saying it sarcastically but just drop me a message when u move somewhere else. Or if u get really bored drop me a line while ur here :). Make sure u start takin vitamin d supplements because ironically in a country that the sun shines 365 days a year almost all the women have a serious deficiency. P.S I'm not being sarcastic about the supplements either, apparently they don't sell the good stuff here. (25 ug or 1000IU is what ud look for)
I have a couple friends who used to live there. One was born and raised in the city I will be moving to. They all seem to think that it will take me a little while to adjust, but that I'll grow to like it there. But yeah, it'll be interesting to see how everything works out.
How long have you lived there now? And what part of the country are you in? Feel free to send me a private message if you would rather not discuss details in the thread :)
Thats what my hubby said too before we got married. But when it comes to making the move all the little obstacles becomes big obstacles and the temporary workplace becomes a permenant one. If ur fiancé has no family ties here then thats a plus, it'll make ur moving away easier (as in he won't have to worry about leaving his family if he leaves the country). Sorry I sound a little bitter... But maybe that's because I am. I need like atleast 3 vacations a year to keep me sane. And ofcourse if ur fiancé works for the big daddies like Aramco I think they take good enough care of u to make u stay put. I've seen families moving from US/Canada to work for them, they bear with the social restrictions cuz they're compensated well and companies like Aramco have a lot of programs in place to help the wives and kids enjoy their time here.
I can understand. Everyone has different experiences when they move to a new place. My fiancé does not have any family ties there (everyone is either in Pakistan or Canada) and yes, he does work for one of the "big daddies" lol.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
I have friends who are very educated and great jobs but not too keen to marry. I wonder why!
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
Girls abroad don't import grooms from back home because generally speaking, Pakistani guys (everywhere) want to have the upper hand in a marriage. This certainly doesn't apply in every case but it is true in many peoples' experience.
I have considered sponsoring a guy from Pakistan. So let me explain the thought process:
Potential pros of importing a groom from Pakistan: - larger pool to choose from - traditional (in a good way) - non-experienced (or not as experienced as compared to the guys in the west) in the dating/relationship scene - shareef, good family - knows about and follows Islam and Pakistani culture (western born and bred guys can be very anti-Pakistan)
Potential cons of importing a groom from Pakistan: - Lengthy sponsorship process - Difficult to get to know him and his family when both parties live worlds apart - There is no guarantee he will be shareef, bhola bhaala, virgin, traditional, practicing Muslim etc. - He may have many objections to the western culture/dress code/social interactions/female independence/etc once he experiences the lifestyle here - He may not be willing to treat the girl equally/fairly and help her out in the house - He may object to the girl's family "interfering" too much when in reality, the girl's family just wants to help make his transition easier - He may need to upgrade his studies - He may not speak English very well - He may have to wait a long time to find a decent job in his field (^ despite not having a job, he may be against family planning) - He may have a huge ego and insecurity issues, so he might react negatively to being sponsored and being dependent on the girl (initially) for financial and emotional support - He may be using the girl for nationality and not really sincere to her - He may not adjust well to life abroad, especially if he comes from a family where they had a family business/estate and he was "managing" that (waking up when he wants, yelling at his subordinates, leaving work when he wants or sometimes not even going to work) as opposed to being employed and working under someone. - There is a chance, at some point, he might want to move back home permanently
A couple of my girl friends went the sponsorship route over the last couple years. Three of them sponsored their cousin and got a divorce within the first couple years of him coming here. One of them had just found out she was pregnant when the divorce papers came and she decided to abort the baby. Three other friends got married in Pakistan and sponsored the guy. They all are doing well mashallah, but when my mom talks to their mom, they always hint that it is a huge adjustment and the guys from there expect VIP treatment after coming here. So you have an unemployed ghar jamaai who sits on his behind all day long and when the wifey comes home from work, he will ask her to get him a glass of water or ask him how his day was instead of it being the other way around.
Again, I'm in no way suggesting that this applies to everyone. I'm just sharing my experience and what I've seen in my circle. I did initially consider guys from Pakistan and I found these "stories" that I had heard to be very applicable in my cases. The guys that I talked to, they think Allah made them "man" therefore everyone should bow down to them. And even though they can't wait to get out of Pakistan, their perception of the west (and Pakistani girls in the west) is very negative.
Their motive is to go abroad, earn lots of money and sponsor the rest of their family but they don't necessarily respect their wife and her lifestyle and her family's struggles... in their heart, they believe girls in Pakistan are the best and had they been willing to put up with the crappy system in Pakistan, they could've scored a better deal in terms of prettier/tamer/more obedient wife...regardless of what they have to offer in return.
You've driven a nail right through the coffin with this one. Someone needs to sticky this...for any girl thinking about importing a groom.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
Sasha, are you living there now?
Yup
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
For those who think life is 2+2 usually get nowhere...and stay unmarried until it is too late.
Compromise is the name of game.
Don't know why marriage these days is taken so seriously that every aspect has to be ideal before one even 'accepts the proposal'.....
.........which in reality does not happen.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
And sometimes I think perhaps those men and women who do not get married even if they are getting old are either in hidden relationship(s) or closet homos, finding excuses not to marry?
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
And sometimes I think perhaps those men and women who do not get married even if they are getting old are either in hidden relationship(s) or closet homos, finding excuses not to marry?
Not necessarily. There may be some other underlying issue. I remember during my early days at uni, a friend's sister had a list of requirements a mile long, and even turned down several (not one, but several) good proposals. In the end, it turned out she had an aversion to men in general due to a childhood trauma (I don't want to go into too much detail here but you get the idea) and just didn't want to get married (as in ever). I've also read that the children of unhappily married parents, often have a negative view of marriage and delay or avoid it altogether.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
Not necessarily. There may be some other underlying issue. I remember during my early days at uni, a friend's sister had a list of requirements a mile long, and even turned down several (not one, but several) good proposals. In the end, it turned out she had an aversion to men in general due to a childhood trauma (I don't want to go into too much detail here but you get the idea) and just didn't want to get married (as in ever). I've also read that the children of unhappily married parents, often have a negative view of marriage and delay or avoid it altogether.
Yes, not necessarily. Agree with the reason you gave.
I only gave one or two of many possible reasons why some men and women would not marry despite getting old.
Close friends, relatives or co-workers do get suspicious too.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
A lot of times it's schooling and establishing a career
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
And sometimes I think perhaps those men and women who do not get married even if they are getting old are either in hidden relationship(s) or closet homos, finding excuses not to marry?
If they don't actually WANT to marry, why should they?
It's not fair on the partner if they don't want to be part of that relationship anyway imo
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
If they don't actually WANT to marry, why should they?
It's not fair on the partner if they don't want to be part of that relationship anyway imo
I did not talk about those who clearly say they do not want to. I talked about those who find excuses not to.
Or those who keep saying they are looking but keep making every little difference or quality a huge deal.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
A lot of times it's schooling and establishing a career
Two most common baseless but fake 'important' excuses.
(I actually have talked about it recently)
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
They're not fake they are real. For women most especially, in an environment where many guys' families will NOT allow their DIL's to finish their coursework or husband will not be ok with trainings, traveling, education, jobs, but make it a business to lie about it reassuring the girl and her family prior to marriage that she CAN finish her degree...it's no FAKE excuse, sir.
It's a rational reaction to a trend of controlling girls. They choose to complete their education prior to looking, nothing wrong in that. It's not because they're making excuses for being picky or bad girls or something sinister.
I am an example of that so I take huge offense to your statement. I certainly wasn't faking. I have been establishing my job and it took 10 years for me to certify. Not because I'm some fake, thanks much.
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
^ What I meant by fake is artificially made important.
Yes there are in-laws who may not let the girl go on and finish the education or career. And in some cases that is wrong.
In many cases those girls are just content to have a family to raise and be stay home wives or mothers.
Even those who are highly educated women despite given the chance, cannot commit themselves with their career due to change in their thought process, being married or not finding the job of their liking. In the end they are happy and satisfied. And that is what matters.
What I see is those who make their education or career so important that they cannot get married at all, miss out in the end, and they continue to seek ways to get married, only to find out not too many choices left.
Example one:
This woman had a nice career of being a good professional Golfer. Yes a woman Golfer. She traveled all around the hot places and had a great life.
Couldn't find a man to propose her despite being very pretty. She said her travel plans could not let her stay at one place. Always on the go.
Finally she stopped for a while, found a man to marry her. Husband said no more golf, stay home. Couldn't get to bear children. Got bored. Had to find a part time job to keep her busy. Regrets losing time even though she still misses the game but does not want to go back to it.
In the end: Lost the career, lost the opportunity to have children.
Example 2: One woman married late since she was busy in her career and education. Got married to an older guy the first time when she could not have children. He had older children who had already left his house. One day he died suddenly being an old man. She said he was the only love in her life. She gave him all she had. He didn't need her children anyways.
Now she is back to square one. No love of her life. No children. Works and not sure if she is ever going to marry despite still being good looking. Afraid to marry but wishes to get married again.
*Example 3 or more: *
Two sisters who are doctors, married to guys at younger age after finishing medical school. Their husbands did not let them pursue their careers. (right or wrong).
Both had good grades and certificates. Both have children. One sister has her husband also as a doctor. Second one is an Engineer. Both happy. Don't miss being doctors. Travel a lot. Seeing the world. Raising the children.
Who won among these examples?
Re: The Man's experience in Rishta Hunting
^ What I meant by fake is artificially made important.
Yes there are in-laws who may not let the girl go on and finish the education or career. And in some cases that is wrong.
In many cases those girls are just content to have a family to raise and be stay home wives or mothers.
Even those who are highly educated women despite given the chance, cannot commit themselves with their career due to change in their thought process, being married or not finding the job of their liking. In the end they are happy and satisfied. And that is what matters.
What I see is those who make their education or career so important that they cannot get married at all, miss out in the end, and they continue to seek ways to get married, only to find out not too many choices left.
Example one:
This woman had a nice career of being a good professional Golfer. Yes a woman Golfer. She traveled all around the hot places and had a great life.
Couldn't find a man to propose her despite being very pretty. She said her travel plans could not let her stay at one place. Always on the go.
Finally she stopped for a while, found a man to marry her. Husband said no more golf, stay home. Couldn't get to bear children. Got bored. Had to find a part time job to keep her busy. Regrets losing time even though she still misses the game but does not want to go back to it.
In the end: Lost the career, lost the opportunity to have children.
Example 2: One woman married late since she was busy in her career and education. Got married to an older guy the first time when she could not have children. He had older children who had already left his house. One day he died suddenly being an old man. She said he was the only love in her life. She gave him all she had. He didn't need her children anyways.
Now she is back to square one. No love of her life. No children. Works and not sure if she is ever going to marry despite still being good looking. Afraid to marry but wishes to get married again.
*Example 3 or more: *
Two sisters who are doctors, married to guys at younger age after finishing medical school. Their husbands did not let them pursue their careers. (right or wrong). Both had good grades and certificates. Both have children. One sister has her husband also as a doctor. Second one is an Engineer. Both happy. Don't miss being doctors. Travel a lot. Seeing the world. Raising the children.
Who won among these examples?
I guess it depends. Some people might consider spending their lives with men who don't respect their accomplishment or intelligence and think of them as less than and people to be dictated to, winning. I think its winning to live your life on your own terms without accepting servitude of others under the guise of care. To each their own.