Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Lifestyle Relationships
81

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

It is good if the marriage can be saved...

82

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Please OP, discuss this with your parents or other trusted family members. You are obviously heartbroken, and under a lot of stress - not the best frame of mind to make a big decision like this all by yourself. Your sisters are right. After what he's done, your husband needs to make the first move to make the marriage work. If he's serious about wanting to stay with you and your kids, he should be calling and making amends, or at least showing an interest in doing so. Heck, he should have been on the first flight back after this matter came to light! If he has switched off his phone and not called you at all, it's very likely he's playing mind games because he knows you will give in.
From your posts it is clear you want to put your kids and their happiness first. But is your husband thinking about the kids at all? If he's been having these affairs, clearly the thought of his kids' future and happiness has not stopped him.

83

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Okay the woman's brother wants you to work on your marriage because he maybe fears that if you separate from your husband, it will cause a commotion that will bring his sister into the spotlight and hurt her image as well as his family's. Maybe he also genuinely wants you to save your marriage because you have four children, but I think he's also protecting his family....which is natural for him to do as a brother. But I do find it interesting that he was very cooperative and didn't try to defend his sister. But at the same time if the cameraman has caught the woman and your husband being close....then how can others at the wedding be oblivious? Unless....the reason is that it was a celebratory occasion and everyone was feeding each other sweets and dancing real close and so they both just blended in with the others. Or maybe...it's being perceived wrongly.

84

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Salaam everyone thank you for your previous advice.

I did went it to real bad depression and then my brother reminded me why we are here and we shouldn't think about this duniya and think about the akhira and that everyone is allowed to be sad but depression is from shaitan and we should be patient as Allah swt is testing us.

I swear if it wasn't for my brother talks I would have been in real bad state anyway as for my husband I am willing to forget and about forgiveness he never asked for it as he says he done nothing wrong.

He is coming back in 2 weeks and sometimes I think should not mention the pass and start again but sometimes I want to sit him down and try to get the answers from him.

So confused don't know what to do.

85

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

u will not get the answers u want from him, so best to forget and move on.

86

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Sorry but your post seem more of a speculation and assumptions than reality or at-least a confirmed situation. Sometimes wives have tendency to get carried away in kahaan-gaeey-theey-aap-syndrom.

Relationships suffer when you raise questions in your mind and then assumes answers you self.

and now if you fear is right and he in fact is a serial offender, I wont give anyone more than 2 chances. 3rd time only tells how much he values relationship with you. How is his behavior otherwise?

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Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

At the moment he rings me everyday and we talk as if nothing happened and I have stopped asking him questions too because every time I would bring the subject up he would switch his phone off for few days.

The only reason I've always forgiven him is because of the kids he is so good with them and he is very good to me like he would help me with the kids shopping etc but he has a bad habit he gets very comfortable with other ladies like my friends would come down he would sit in the same room and chat so I told him if he does that again I would do the same if his friends come around and he stopped.

88

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Yeh might do my sister says the same too he will never admit it.

89

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Even if you forgive and forget, he is gonna do the same thing in the next few years. People don't change. Women up, and kick his butt.
And I understand the kids, but do you think kids would grow up happy in an environment where parents resent each other and fight and their dad meet other women?
At the end of the day, its your decision alone and no one will make it for you

90

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

OP is ur husband back from pak yet. Did u have a talk or swept under the rug? What do u think/feel now?

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Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

No he is coming back in 2 weeks and we so talk and avoid bringing up that subject but I still can't get over it keep having flash backs of the images of wedding video and the night when he wouldn't answer his phone and I try talking to my family but they saying he will never admit it and end of the day he is coming back to you so get over it start again.

92

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

That's what I keep thinking he will do it again in few years and I do believe once a cheater will always be a cheater unless he repents .

93

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

I disagree that perhaps you're assuming things. The way I see it, it's just disrespectful.. no matter how huge a celebration, why does he think it's okay to allow another woman to act intimate or feed him sweets and vice versa? Would he be comfortable knowing you were doing the same with another man? A na-mehram? No. The fact he's cheated on you before, and now this.. I don't think forgiving and forgetting instantly will work. You guys probably need to sit down and have a serious talk about where your marriage is headed. I mean the first time it happened, you should've dealt with it in a harsher way. Tried to get to the root of his infidelity rather than just say "if you want a second wife, you might as well divorce me" - that's not really getting to the root of it, it's just cutting that thought off for a while with a threat. Something that he probably let go of because of his kids. You also mentioned he gets comfortable with other women quickly, did you know this before he got married? That he doesn't ensure set boundaries with the opposite sex?

As for your children, I'm sorry but I think they'd rather have their parents separated and on civil/happy terms than to witness their parents in a loveless/resentful marriage all for "their sake". Whilst you don't know for sure that he has been unfaithful, in the sense that he has slept with her.. you've seen him cosying up to this other girl, and that should be enough to make you want to sit down with him and talk about it. Show him the video, ask him if he thinks that's okay behaviour and whether he would be okay watching you do that with another man, be assertive. Take a break for a while and mull things over, go to therapy if you need to, but don't let him think that things will just be okay because he's going to sulk or be a baby and switch his phone off for a few days just because you guys are about to have an uncomfortable talk. That's highly immature imo. If he doesn't want to communicate still, then you have your answer. You can't force someone to try, just as long as you know that you have.. there's not much more you can do. And please don't go out of your mind, or lose sleep/weight over a man who doesn't respect you enough to atleast be honest about it. Don't do that to your kids.

94

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Thats one big beghairat family.

95

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

look if she was feeding him sweets or they were together a lot, doesnt mean they were having an affair. I dont think he will admit that he had/has feelings for her. You can confort him or talk about it, it might help or might not and he will act as victim thinking his wife is controlling and then he can even go further. So what I say, u dont have to follow me, is that even if he is back, keep a close eye on him, see where he is going, what time he is going out and coming back without him noticng that u are keeping an eye on him, liers and cheaters allways make mistakes, so u will know that he is doing something behind ur back. another thing, dont ever let him go on holiday again alone, why is he enjoying for weeks and u are sitting at home with kids? next time go with him, so that u can keep an eye on him. if u had been with him there, this would not have happened.

96

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Im sorry, personally.. i dont think she should have to be the paranoid wife. He is a grown arse man who can make his own decisions and choices. She has to be able to trust him to do right by her, not to follow him around or keep tabs on the times he comes home or whatever. And as for being there to prevent him cheating, well no, not really. If he wants to cheat, he will do it. He's not her child, she can't control him like that. If they actually talk about it and figure things out then there wont be any need for her to do that. I mean yes, it would be natural for her to be paranoid after this.. but spying on him won't help. To be honest, if that doesn't work and he is still not willing to sort things out.. she needs to just leave. It's not a healthy situation for anyone.

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Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Don't know if this was answered in the thread but the previous two times were u 100% sure that he had cheated or was it a strong hunch. I think one of the times was when he actually wanted to take a second wife so I guess that was an admitted affair. Do u know if it was emotional/physical. Would u be ok with either? And which one do u think was it this time.

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Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

The first time I checked his statement and the calls lasted for 1 hour every evening so called it and it was his work fellow from work she told me he did wanted more than friendship but she rejected him and when I asked him he said she was in trouble with her in laws so I was just helping her and I said how by chatting to her for hours. So I know he didn't slept with her but she was just passing time with him. Even then he was saying he loves me and he would never cheat on me. And the second time was after 5 years same thing with his work mate she was here on work permit and she was a Sikh so he was saying let me marry her she will become a muslim and you will get rewarded I said what the hell first you read your namaz and be a proper muslim first. That's when I decided to leave him and ask for devorce and he stayed at his brother house for a night so he begged me to take him back and he would never betray me and with family pressure they told me to give him a chance.
And even now my own sister is putting pictures in my head she saying ok if you leave him how would you feel if he gets married again and start a new life with kids and you will be stuck with troubles teenagers and miserable life.

99

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Shutup, don't come here for sympathy, have some self respect and toss this *ing loser. It's one thing to have a *t society, family males etc, but to show such a callous self respect for yourself over 16 years let alone with children shows a lack of self respect and empathy for innocent kids at its core. Grow up, become financially independent, and educate yourself. That's the only way you can get rid of this 'kanjar' mentality of crying and looking for others for help in Pakistani society. No one will give you sympathy, no one has, stop looking for it . Get a hard sciences/finance degree, and take the reigns of your own destiny.

People should take note of 'Islam' same family that is whipsering hadieethan are encouraging her to mantain an abusive relationship and discouraging her from becoming an independent. Typical Pak Gora Hindu inferiority complex mentality. What a confused braggart people. Crying roohni boothi expecting sympthy on one hand, then saying "oh yeah it's fine to talk to a Sikh woman on a visa, who is thinking about converting to Islam."

What a ****ing joke you guys are living. Seriously, take a step back, look at yourself from a 3rd person, and realize how sick of a mindset you have to allow something like this to happen.

This is what happens in a community where women have no financial or educational value, they live in a world and have expectations that have nothing todo with reality.

I'll say it again, find your self respect and act on it. You can ask a million people for opinions it wouldn't change a thing

100

Re: Sick and tired of my husband cheating

Let me ask you, ARE YOU MARRIED ? what you wrote, looks good on the paper but it doesnt work in real life. How can she blind trust a man with a history like this. You trust there, where u know ur partner is faithful, where as he has shown in the past, he gets attracted to other females. No one asking to keep tabs but all females keep their eyes open for signs, its natural. But she cannot leave him on basis of "saqh" she needs solid proof that he is actually being unfaithful other than just flirting here or there, which is bad inself.