Re: Should I or should I not?
well in that case that is a small price to pay surely for stepping out of a an unhappy marriage. must be hard since you obviously love your father, but make dua and let him know that you have no intention of staying married to your husband. and who knows life might throw you soemthing unexpected. good luck!
Re: Should I or should I not?
Your dad is too controlling. This could stem from his own insecurities. He doesn't allow you to talk to the person you decide to marry. He doesn't allow you to work. This is too much. Islam allows women to work.
Wonderz.......my advice would be for you to start separating what "Daddy says" from what "Islam says".............because your dad is clearly not on the same page as religion. Separate what "Daddy says" from what "Allah says." Separate what "Daddy says I'm not allowed to do" from what " Allah says I am allowed to do without penalty." Once you start differentiating between the two........you will feel much more stronger.
Also..........don't be afriad of your dad's cold shoulder. Tell yourself, "My dad is immature. He doesn't know how to communicate maturely. This is nothing new. I've dealt with it before. I'll deal with it again. And THIS TIME I won't allow it to control me. If I give in to his strategy.......he'll know that his cold shoulder is working and he'll use the same strategy to manipulate me in the future. I'm going to break the cycle by not letting him win."
Why does your dad give the cold shoulder? If your read some psychology articles about "control freaks"..............you'll read/learn/understand that your dad uses the "cold shoulder" strategy to
1) make you feel guilty.......in the hopes that you'll become weak....turn to him again.....and let him CONTROL you. It's a guilt-trip. And it's NOT MATURE. Mature people communicate concerns openly.
2) A cold shoulder is a way to get attention as well. Think about it........a cold shoulder is not normal behavior. When you GO OUT OF YOUR WAY to avoid someone.........obviously the other person will notice.
3) He thinks the strategy....(which is used to "punish" you) will actually work on you.
So.............once you understand the motive behind his strategy..........you'll hopefully develop a tougher skin and not surrender to it.
There's no sin in getting a job. Women are allowed to work in Islam. If you've never done it....it may be hard at first, but it's not impossible. There are many single woman...some with children.......who are working to support themselves and their families. There's no shame in that. Rather, it's something to be proud of. One of your "STEPS" in acquiring independence could be to type up a resume and start applying for job vacancies.
Re: Should I or should I not?
Recently this woman (Muslim) told me about the interesting life that she has led. She's not much older than you, Wonderz. She got pregnant during her mid-teens.....and married her highschool sweetheart who was a teen himself. The guy was convert Muslim but not strong in his iman/faith at all. After the baby was born.........he abandoned the woman and his infant son.
This woman's father abandoned her when she was only a few months old. Her dad never looked back. She never heard from him again. Her own mother temporarily left her during her teen years. She felt lonely.....and that's what led her to getting married in her teens......only to have her husband leave her.
She left her husband because he didn't have strong faith in Islam.........his priorities were not in the right order. ** Kind of like your husband, Wonderz.**
And although divorce can be a stigma for women.............this woman's heart was in the right place. She wanted a guy who is a good Muslim. And eventually she found an amazing guy who is a good Muslim. And they've been happily married for several years.
Wonderz, at least your dad hasn't abandoned you totally. This woman had it far worse than you. But she had the courage to move forward and take action. Now she's more settled in life.
The same can happen for you. You'll experience a few obstacles along the way. But inshaALLAH things will fall into place for you :)
Re: Should I or should I not?
Allah will help u wonderz just like RV said only if you help you said, RV has said pretty much what i wanted to say!
But you are good person with a kind heart and if you find the strength inside you, you can be whatever you want to be.
You are taking bold and scary steps and its going to be difficult but the only person who can take control of your life now is you and you should grab onto the steering wheel with both hands!
There are many women out there as RV said who have had it worse and got through things and you can too!
It does make me realize what I ususally tell people.... just imagine people who are in far worse situations then you are and if they can go through this then so can you and also appreciate that your not in their situation.....
Re: Should I or should I not?
honey u are in a better place than most., you have an education and job skills that u can put to use.
you have the means to NOT stay stuck on someone. please take the opportunities you were given. If you got a GED and did a medical asistance program..im sure that was at your father's resistance wasn't it? if he can let u be educated, he will come around to you working as well.
Re: Should I or should I not?
Your father sounds a lot like mine. And my mother is also no more. Albeit I am not married, I can completely relate to the whole 'respecting' elders thing. Many people in our culture/society/religion cannot comprehend that others parents arent as lovely as theirs and therefor are not willing to accept sad situations like the one that you are in right now.
I think you need to fully put your faith into God. Im not just saying this, cos I aint a mad mullah, but He really helped me. I found a way out (not marriage, but general horribleness) you can too. You are so young and I honestly believe that will give you strength, you have the gift of time to change things around.
It will be a lonely road, it really will, you will find that even the next door neighbours dog is against you, but definitely worth it in the end.
Good Luck! I really hope you do something and do it soon. Terrible fates are sometimes inevitable, but hope is always there, waiting for you.
The biggest thing that holds some of us girls back is respect and I just think that some parents take an advantage of that...... I know for sure that parents dont and cant think bad for their children they always want the best, I also can say for sure that my dad wants the best for me but the only problem is that his ego comes in the way!
The biggest thing that holds some of us girls back is respect and I just think that some parents take an advantage of that...... I know for sure that parents dont and cant think bad for their children they always want the best, I also can say for sure that my dad wants the best for me but the only problem is that his ego comes in the way!
See, now you have just proved that you are stronger than I am, you still hold some respect for your dad.
Someone once said to me 'hate the sin, not the sinner'.
Easier said than done.
I think you know what to do and how to do it, you are just too aware of the consequences and unfortunately guilt will always remain, but you should not be the one carrying it.
Re: Should I or should I not?
you are right. its alright saying something and quite another acting out on it. InshAllah , Allah will help you out, take courage and take a plunge.
I just think sometimes do parents know what their kids do for them or do they just take it for granted...... with all that Im going through, the first person that I think of is my dad all I care is for him not to get hurt, Im not saying im a 100% right all the time but I do know the difference btw right and wrong..... now I know what I have to do but in my heart I feel guilty because of my dad... even though some of you guys might think that he doesnt care about me so I shouldnt care about him but its hard....
Re: Should I or should I not?
If I would be in your place I would break it off today before tomorrow.
Re: Should I or should I not?
I don't know your dad so I can't really comment on whether or not he is taking advantage of what you have done/are doing for him.
However, the guilt will remain, its good at you feel guilt, show that you have a conscience and are thinking about your actions. BUT, you cannot and must not allow this guilt be the sole reason for not wanting to better the situation you are in. God helps, but He does not help those who do not help themselves.
Re: Should I or should I not?
I haven't read all the posts...So I don't know exactly what kind of advise you already got!!
Ask yourself what you really want??? Do you want to marry him?? Do you want to live in a greedy family?? Greedy people can't change themselves.....they'll stay greedy forever!!
I've going through all this...I was nikkahfied with someone in PK I didn't know....he was really educated at the time they asked my ristha...About two months later I found out that he was absolutely not educated...he even couldn't drive!! And didn't wanted..coz he was afraid or something like that..pfff
I've been trying four years to change him....But I couldn't...The way he talked...everything became worser....like male DUMB BLOND!!....I felt terrible...
But after four years I said to my parents I can't destroy my life coz of him! My parents knew all the things..they wanted to break the ristha about 1,5 year after my nikkah...But I wanted to give it a try...
But I was soooo happy when my ristha was broken!!! Everyone in the family made a big issue of this..But my parents and I didn't care!!
Re: Should I or should I not?
I haven’t read all the posts so I’ll just post my half informed opinion n the matter..
Isn't this Dad the same Dad that "abandoned" you in Pak for 6 years after tricking you to go there in the first place? And isn’t this the same Dad that is telling you, “Oh, it doesn’t matter if he drinks.” Err, Hello!! Drinking is Haraam. What kind of a “father” let’s his daughter marry such an immoral person? Aren’t fathers supposed to marry their daughters to good, respectable, decent people? It seems to me, and this is harsh, so apologies.. But, it seems to me that he just wants to get rid of you and marry you off to just anyone. It doesn’t sound to me like he even cares for you. And there’s you putting your future happiness on the line for someone who couldn’t be bothered to think twice about his daughter’s happiness, once when he abandoned you and now when trying to palm you off to any random Joe.
You already know what the family is like. Do you think that when you’re troubled and turn to your Father for support, he will help you? Support you? Understand you? Make things right for you? I very much doubt it! Chances are he will say that “You knew what they were like before and you should’ve spoken up before, too late now”.
Also, you cannot just disregard what the Bazurg said. These are very spiritual people and you should not doubt what they said. If however you do doubt it, them pray Istikhara and ask Allah tallah to show you the way.
Okay, so they may be fairly affluent but you are not marrying for wealth, you are marrying to fulfil half of your Deen and inshAllah to start your own family with this man. Do you really think him and his family will be good role models for your children? Greedy Grandparents and a drinker Dad…?
Decide carefully; once you’ve decided, there will be no turning back/2nd chances.
After thinking long and hard I have decided to break this off...... this is my personal and veryyyy own decision.... i have gone through the pros and cons, I have thought about my life with this man and without him, I have thought about the family, i have thought about my dad, most importantly about myself and my future....... I thought satisfying your parents and everyone around them is always the best thing to do.... but its not other people or my dad who has to spend the rest of their lives with him its me and Im not happy with that...... I always worried about what people would think and how my dad would deal with it but, I cant I cant continue with this rishta..... I gues its only Allah who knows how hard this is gona be for me, breaking my dads heart..... I will always love my dad no matter what but I cant gamble with my life and spend the rest of my life with someone I cant stand..... through out the whole thing ill keep my dad in my heart and ask Allah for forgivness!
Now the hard part starts well not actually the hardest part is over ..... thinking like crazy day and night and comming to a conclusion which I have.... Its the "How Im going to do this" part begins and I dont have much time!
Re: Should I or should I not?
pray 2 rakaat nafl then think it over on how to break the news to your dad
Re: Should I or should I not?
As much as i hate to say it you cannot depend on your father.
Youve already decided this is not the marriage for you do dua-e-hajaat and ask Allah to help you and make everything you need to do easier for you.
youre waiting for an internship try getting a job, i know your father does not approve but you need to stand up on your feet and be independent.
Make a game plan put it in action and let your father know that you tried to do this for him but you feel if you continue it will destroy your future.
If your dad just give you the cold shoulder after taking this step in a way good atleast youll still have a place to stay while you get your life together if not ask your brother if you can move in with him for a short time split the expenses with him
Maybe later your sister can find you a better rishta after all this mess is over and you are stable(if you trust her to do so) but right now your top priority is to be independent so that noone can force you to do anything.
You need to be very strong and push yourself.
Ive never understood by desi parents seem to think a girl can change a guy after they get married, y not just find a guy that you dont need to change
I hope everything works out for you but you need to start now not later
I dont think he'll throw me out but, its gona be like i dont exist ... and he wont talk to me...
Not to be unkind, but you didn't exist to your father for the six years he left you to live with his family in Pakistan and you didn't exist when he made the decision to get you married the first time and then the second time without doing proper due diligence on your hubby and you still don't exist if he's ignoring your concerns and won't talk to your hubby to address your concerns.
So, you've got a choice - you can continue with a marriage to make your father happy or you can take control of your life and make yourself happy. There is a time in our lives to be selfless and think of others first and there's time in our life to think about ourself and our future. Not that I promote nafarmabardari, but I think it's your time now.
Re: Should I or should I not?
wonderz1, I think alvena had a good post in this thread about how to break it off. I can't find it, but if I do, I'll quote it for you.
Be strong, hon. I think you're doing the right thing. But it won't be easy.