My chahcu is nice but I cant talk to him because of his wife, its his wife who did the rishta..... my dadi ma hates my chachi and doesnt want this rishta to succeed and also because my dadi ma wanted to get me married with my popo her daughters son, knowing that.... my chachi did this rishta so thats there personal issue, so if I talk to my chachu ofcourse my chachi will know and she wont let this happen because shes in a competition with my dadi ma and doesnt want her to win.... I know its weird!
Re: Should I or should I not?
I'm curious........do you only have one brother? And why did he move out? Is it because he became frustrated with your dad's behavior? Have you tried contacting your brother. If he also has issues with your dad's way of handling things.........perhaps he offer you some support.
But keep in mind.............YOU MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS. And more importantly......you have to develop the strength to take ACTION with your decision. IN other words......if you finally decide to end this marriage............then take the steps to end it. BE FIRM in your decision and don't allow yourself to be swayed/manipulated/emotionally black mailed by your dad or chachu. Because it is not THEM who has to deal with the marriage..........IT"S YOU!
redvelvet - Ive been in a cave for such a long time that im actually scared to get out on my own and take my own responsibility..... maybe you read my post in the other thread about how my past was, then you would realize that Im having issues.......
Re: Should I or should I not?
oh my god! so you were used as some object to be abused in a family fued.
Get your self out of this and distance your self from your family!
what qualificaitons do u have? do u have a job? can u support urself?
how about going to ure brother!
You get married to this man and be around this family of ures and u will be used and abused over and over again!
this is what i wrote......
I had a similar situation..... when me and my siblings were in junior high our dad took us to pakistan for the summer and when the summer was over he packed his bags and told us he was going back and that he was gona leave us there...... so he totaly blackmailed us into going and we ended up staying there for 6 years, and on top of all that we had to stay with his family his 3 brothers and their families, while our dad was there everyone was really nice to us but when he left we were tortured we had to listen to tanay's and sometimes when my mom left to go to another city to visit her family they didnt give us food..... my dads family tried everything possible to destroy our lives by messing with our studies which they did, they convinced my dad that we should be home schooled and my dad was ok with it, so they took us out of school and got us a tutor and after a few months they stopped the tutor from comming so we dont get our education, we were there for 6 damn years without education without our dad and without any help and support, my mom died 4 years after we went there, and we were there alone, you have nooooooooo idea what my dads family put us through we felt like their servants, we cried day and night...... in the end they forced my sister to get married which she did, and my brother came back, I was stuck there and my dad was forcing me to get married and actually went to the point of abusing me because I said NO, some how I ran away and came back to the US and stayed with my khala and after a few months my khala started treating me like a servant and did everything she possibly couldve done to make my life a living hell then I had no choice but to come back to my dad ( in the US) now i got my GED and am trying to build up my life....... well then some of you guys know!!
I did my GED and medical assisting, now im waiting to get a site for my internship but i cant do it because im going to pakistan in october .... my plan was to go to nursing school and get a nursing degree... my brothers in school and he's already having a hard time supporting himself so how do you expect him to take care of me, and yess the only reason he left was because of my dad....
Re: Should I or should I not?
wonderz1, Unfortunately it is clear that the elders in your family are not to be trusted. They are all out for personal gain and not interested in really helping and supporting you. Your father has not taken on his responsibility as a father. He is a father in name only, to have neglected your upbringing, education, and marriage in such a manner. He DOES NOT DESERVE your trust or obedience.
You were strong once. You did not accept that first marriage, you ran away. Now here's another tough decision to make. This time it's harder because you are already married, but it seems clear that you do not feel that this marriage is a good one. It's time to say no and get the heck away from these people. If your brother is outside Pakistan, and if you can trust him and stay with him, then go to him. If not, then you need to become independent. I'm proud of you for completing your basic education. Focus on developing yourself further, and make sure you do not let yourself become subject to others' wishes and whims. In the end, it is YOUR LIFE to live. And you are the one who has to live with these decisions.
redvelvet - Ive been in a cave for such a long time that im actually scared to get out on my own and take my own responsibility..... maybe you read my post in the other thread about how my past was, then you would realize that Im having issues.......
My intention is not to offend you, sweetheart. I KNOW that it's hard to start making independent decisions when you've been deprived of the opportunity for most of your life. But you're a SMART woman with a working conscience. You're not shallow. If you were......you'd be completely fine with being married to a guy who only cares for glitz and glamor. Instead.......you're a good human being......who knows that these things have little value compared to more important things in life........such as good character and moral values. You're not a robot.....who is dead on the inside. You have the ability to discern between right and wrong.......not everyone is like that.
What I'm trying to say is that YOU are not as weak as you think you are. If you were weak............you wouldn't have questioned your life. If you were weak......you wouldn't have created this thread. If you were weak.........you wouldn't have contemplated such a bold move as divorce. If you were weak........you wouldn't have tried to reason with your husband. Instead you would meekly accepted your husband's behavior as the "obedient wife". If you were a weak person.........you would not have had the courage to confront your dad about your husband's drinking problem.
Do you what I'm saying here? You're not weak as you think you are. You're a strong woman. I'm just trying to get YOU to realize that you're strong and not some little helpless girl. You've come this far............you can go even further. A truly weak woman would resign themselves to their fate and would not even dare to question her husband or her father. You're a good and strong person who deserves better in life. Start thinking this way. You should be PROUD of yourself that.....in spite of the cold manner in which your dad has raised you.......you didn't end up following his ways. Rather you grew to be a thoughtful and thinking individual. Now take control of your life.
Remember one thing..............if you show people that can't make decisions on your own take your own stand..........if you seek others' permission for every little thing in life......................they won't hesitate in making decisions for you. That's why you have to show that YOU will be firm in your plans.
Thanks redvelvet maybe thats what i really needed someone to tell me to be strong and just to wake up! My biggest mistake was to say yes and I admit that but I still have time to fix it.......... the rest Im leaving to Allah and I hope I have the courage to do this....
Re: Should I or should I not?
You put up for many years with a dad who didn't care.............don't allow yourself to put up with a husband who doesn't care either. Life is too short.
Re: Should I or should I not?
wonderz! you have an education so well done for that! You are a strong woman! you have been through alot in your life and what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.
Find that strenght within yourself and take control of what is rightly yours. your life.
You can do it and you have the support of your sister and ure friend and all of us here!
Re: Should I or should I not?
^wonder can you earn your way in life? how old are you?
You can definitely do this dear!^ hugs
I can relate to you too well, have been through all this not exactly but alike and as far as I guess it must be easier for you as you're in US, can go out get educated do a job support yourself.. unlike me(NOT complaining) who has just to sit at home but whatever it takes i'm willing to give.
anyways wish you good luck! just stay strong!
Im 23, and hope to finish what I started... I dont have a job because my dad doesnt allow me to work...
Re: Should I or should I not?
I think if this is really what you want to do, then go for that internship you wanted to do...because its something which will make ure life a bit more secure?
Re: Should I or should I not?
hmm do you think if you break it off your father is capable of throwing you out?
yea, well Im waiting for a site.... but before that i gotta take care of my problem...
I dont think he'll throw me out but, its gona be like i dont exist ... and he wont talk to me...
Thanks redvelvet maybe thats what i really needed someone to tell me to be strong and just to wake up! My biggest mistake was to say yes and I admit that but I still have time to fix it.......... *the rest Im leaving to Allah and I hope I have the courage to do this....
*
They say, "Allah helps those who help themselves." We're advised to take action. So....that said......do as MUCH as you can to get yourself out of this situation. Take out a sheet of paper and write down the steps that YOU need to take. For example......if you are CERTAIN that you don't want to stay married........then make a firm decision that you will not be swayed by your dad and chachu's words/persuasions/emotional blackmails/threats. In fact, that could be one of your steps. Another step could be to research the process of female initiated divorce (known as Khula) in Islam. Write down the steps of this process. Another step could be for you to find a job if you don't have one already. That way you'll be able to support yourself financially.
Just make a list of steps....go through them....check them off as you complete them. And slowly but surely......you'll see your ownself taking control of your life.........liberating yourself from a potentially posionous life........and making things happen. What I've learned from experience is that when you tackle things that you never thought you could handle.........you come out of that experience a stronger and smarter person. Do it for you :)