Ok so I got nikkahfied about three months ago in paksitan and now Im back… It was totaly an arranged marriage… Im suppose to get married in October but… Im veryyyyyyyy confused the thing is my Inlaws are veryyyyyyy selfish people very materialisic and demanding! My MIL and husband have demanded a lot of things but say it in a very indirectly way… I have NO attraction to my husband what so ever! There financially very stable but still want more n more… I found out my husband does drink but occassionally, I did talk to my dad about that and he said that he’ll get better after he’s married! (My dad has never even held a bottle of liquor in his life) well I talked to my sister and she talked to a bazurak and told that bazurak my husband and MIL’s name and in return she told my sister that they are veryyyyyyy lalchee people and that they will give me a problem in the future! Im very confused, I do believe what that bazurak said because my sister did NOT tell em anyyyything about my Inlaws and it was right! But at the same time I just think if she goes to another bazurak and that bazurak tells her that this family is great or me than what am I suppose to do…
I’ve been having doubts and thinking like crazzzzzyyyyyy and Im totaly lost… Bottom line if someone asked me if I want to get married to him my answer would be NO! But do I have enough reasons to back off or am I making a huge mistake backing off knowing there very well settled! I dont care if their rich or live in a nice area I just worry about my future and I dont want to make a mistake! First I was thinking about my family and their reputation but I figured out that it’s my life! I dont want to dissapoint my dad but I dont want to get married there! I know in the end I have to do what I think is right for me but for right now I need you guys to help me figure this out!
Should I listen to my heart or do what my dad tells me to do and go with the flow and get married? not caring what the future holds for me…
Don't go into a marriage expecting someone to change. It may happen, but it's not a guarrantee, and marriage is not a way to "fix" people.
Your post makes it seem like you've already made your decision in your heart, you want out of this marriage. If that is the case, and you are sure, then do it asap. It is best not to delay until after the ruksati.
I wish people knew that having an arranged marriage is not the same as marrying strangers. Too many lives have been hurt in this manner. I hope things go well for you.
Bottom line if someone asked me if I want to get married to him my answer would be NO! But do I have enough reasons to back off or am I making a huge mistake backing off knowing there very well settled!
The fact htat in your heart you dont want to marry them, that's the only reason you should have.
You are not answerable to anyone in this life, not your mother, father, "laug" etc.. noone but yourself. If you cannot fathom living wtih him, then do yourself a big favor and break it off.
why on earth would you agree to marry a person you are not attracted to? and now you're going around talking to your sister who's talking to a 'buzurg' and there is backbiting, all this hypocrisy and nonsense when all you had to do was say "i'm not attracted to this guy and don't want to marry him".
You got what you deserved, I don't know why people can't just grow a spine and think about their future.
If your heart and instinct say no then dont do it. You have enough reason- he drinks, you are not attracted to him etc
This might sound harsh but one day your dad wont be in this world anymore, and you will have to live with this man without his support.
You and your dad seem to have a good relationship, talk to him and tell him you dont like the fact he drinks and that they are demanding alot from you and you dont think you will be happy with him.
aahmad...... that was harsh............ all my life I ve done everything I possibly can to satisfy my dad so he stays happy and Ive always been dependent on him, but now getting married is HUGEEE and I have to think about my future.... only onlyyyy if I could've talked to my husband before we got nikkahd I would have neverrrrrr said yes, Is it really my fault that my family didnt let me talk to him or give me a chance to get to know him?
u r nikahhfied...that means u r officially married....u shud have thought all these things before going ahead and getting married...u r now married...4 u 2 leave him now it means a divorce..
It dont look like u have spent much time with them...thinsg r a lot different when u living with the person....Im not saying that the family are gd and u r bad..but i suggest u dont just back out from the ruksathi over these issues...the alcohol issue is a big one, but the rest are minor..these r normal issues every girl does come across..it takes time 2 fit into a family..
i suggest u go into the marraige, with an open mind..4get what the bazurg said 4 a moment (even if he is right) and say u r married 2 this guy and ur gnna put in 101% to make it work....inshallah things will be resolved themselves...if u had asked this question before u were nikahhfied, i wud say dont go ahead with it if ur not happy with it..but once ur married...u cant just back out..
Ive had a situation where sum1 said me and my hubby wouldnt last even a year and would have a divorce within a few months..and that man was always right most of the time..alhumdulilah im a happy married women...
Inshallah things will be better after marraige, take it 1 step at a time and see how it goes...ur parents r gnna go through so much if u back out now..its unfair..put urself in their position..and no im nt saying 2 sacrifice urself 4 ur parents..but darling u r already married....so whats there left 2 do now..give it a go and give it ur best shot so no1 can blame u and u have no regrets in life..
i know soooooo many girls who didnt find their hubbies attractive before marraige and a month down the line they think hes God sent...give it a go..dont back out when you have come so far!
I know what aahmed said sounds harsh, but it's true, wonderz1.
Unfortunately, many desi girls grow up in this manner, letting everyone else make decisions for them, obliging others and sacrificing their own happiness, and not standing up for their rights.
It is not simply your right but your duty to be an active participant in the decisions for your marriage. You CANNOT live your life simply saying, "oh well, others say this is best for me, and I will make them happy." It sounds like a virtuous way to live -- but it is not. It is irresponsible. You are an adult. And YOU MUST take control of your life.
Look at what you said at the end of your post: "not caring what the future holds for me...." If you continue to think and live like this, you will continue to live life passively. Things will continue to happen to you, rather than you finally LIVING.
But you've come here and you've asked this question because you know that something is wrong. There are multiple alarm bells going off about this marriage. Do what's right, take control of your life, and don't live it as a victim.
^ but she is not attracted to him and she doesnt like the fact he drinks...those are big issues, women have a voice these days!
not trying to sound like a buddi..but in the olden days our parents may not have been attracted 2 each other but still are happily married after 30-40 years....
with time attraction can begin..she doesnt even know the guy yet..physical attraction is not everything...
women do have a voice..and u shud speak up...but not once u have had a nikah and havent even given the guy a chance....come on!
Its all about taking a risk now...... I can get married but what if its still the same then Ive ruined not only mine but his life too.... I can give 100% effort to make things work but whats the whole point if Im not satisfied from the core of my heart! so dont you think its better backing off now then later?
Its all about taking a risk now...... I can get married but what if its still the same then Ive ruined not only mine but his life too.... I can give 100% effort to make things work but whats the whole point if Im not satisfied from the core of my heart! so dont you think its better backing off now then later?
until u dont admit to urself that u r actually married u wont get anywhere...u say 'i can get married'...darling u r married!!!!!
Y didn u not think of all this before..
I know sum1 who went thru the same situation as u, and shes happily married 2day...u havent given the wedding a chance..it seems u had the nikah and came back...until ruksathi happens u wont know how things will go..
im only here to advise...u have 2 take the ultimate decision...
Its all about taking a risk now...... I can get married but what if its still the same then Ive ruined not only mine but his life too.... I can give 100% effort to make things work but whats the whole point if Im not satisfied from the core of my heart! so dont you think its better backing off now then later?
could be better 2 back off now..but then 10 years down the line..u will never know that if u had given the marraige a chance it may have worked....until u dont know anything solid about the guy and his family u cant really say that this family is soooo bad
Look it's up to you, research about the guy more. See if he does anything other than casual drinking. God forbid. If he does or if his casual drinking is a big issue to you then drop him. I agree with MKD it is never too late to back out. It's better to back out then live a miserable life with someone that drinks and you are not attracted to.
I know coz I have been through the same situation.
OOO trust me when I say their bad they really are, Im not just saying this because of my personal issues, but because they really are veryyyyyyyy lalchee and are demanding a heck of a lot more then their suppose to!
