Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I had an arranged marriage couple of months ago. Never met the girl before and it was totally family’s choice. However, straight after the nikah, our families had massive disagreements and they are not talking anymore n hate eachother. They will not get on but I dont want to do the wrong thing n let this affect our marriage so kept out of it but she is not with me yet and stil in pakistan. we only talk on fone.

Im constantly geting told by my family not to ring her too often as I wont have any control when she cums here and she wont even respect me if i keep treating her like this. In other words, I should be more distant and make her work hard for the love. I dont understand this concept atall and feel uncomfortable at the thought of haviing to treat my wife in dat way. I ring her once a week, n talk for 3 hours or so as she is still in pakistan. I never spent any time with her as I had to come back straight after nikkah.

Me and my wife have alot of differences due to our cultural, educational background, I dont even love her but we need to iron our differences out. Atleas im trying and we have to if we r to be happily married and im trying hard to develop understanding with her. I got married because my parents wanted me to but now they are not happy and say things like i wud regret being nice. Deep down im worried in case they are right. I dont know her as she is from different culture. May be things work differently in pakistan? Should husband not be nice to his wife?? M i being too nice? should husband give his wife love n respect and hope that she would adjust? or shud i stay distant till she proves herself that she deserves love n respect?

Im so confused and worried. Im more worried as recently she tried getting chalak with me by trying to wind me up against my family (indirectly). I explained it to her that i think she was trying to be chalak and I would never accept such things again as i dont like such slimy chalakian. She does seem slightly manipulative at times but not overly. We cud all be abit manipulaitve if given a chance, dn v? so im just watchin her behaviour but giving her love n respect till i have a solid reason for not doing so.

Now (A)-Shud I be distant/bossy n use fear to control? or atleast not very loving/understanding towards her until she proves that she deserves it?

(B)-or shud i give her love, respect n she wud b a good wife automatically. or i wud regret this appraoch as she could take advantage.

2

You will spend the rest of your life with this person so you should start with right intentions. Being controlling or having her fear you is just asinine. Be yourself and encourage her to do the same so you can both see what life after marriage will be like.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

This is not a time to be playing games. This is your wife -- your partner for life -- that you are talking about. You should not be listening to others, otherwise you are guarranteed to live a life filled with the same petty conflicts they have had. Do not allow anyone to come between the communication between you and your wife. If you want to know how she thinks or feels or if you want to address something with her, TALK TO HER.

4

Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

And this is why you don't marry blindly, just because you want to "ji ji" in front of your parents!

And this is why you don't marry out of your culture/education/passport!

Humaima malik in Bollywoood
5

Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Oh good God in this day and age peopel still think its "bad" to be "nice" to your spouse?

That is one effed up family. sorry bro but its the truth.

6

Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

oh god you know what... this really pisses me off...m sorry but who you gonna spend the rest of your life with? your family is your life partner or your wife?

you think she got chalak about your family by trying to wind you up against your family...number 1 she is your family now your main family everyone else is secondary to her

and secondly your family hasnt had to be indirect or chalak to wind you up against your wife. They have gotten you to the point where you may not be distant but you are obsevring her like a hawk just in case she makes one small mistake aur jaise hi usne chotti si chalaaki ki you took a stand and said you wont tolerate...did you say the same to your parents when she told you to be distant to your wife...hey mom i wont tolerate you interfering between me and my wife? no

because your parents have been with you for your whole life isliye you dont think that
woh kuch ghalat kar sakte hain tumhe apni wife k khilaaf bharrkaayenge jo ke woh already kar chuke hain agar woh wsuccessful na hote toh you woudlnt be observing your wife with a magnifying glass... and as for your wife if I was in her place and I knew or felt that my in laws were turning my hubby against me main bhi thorri si chlaaaki karke usse thorra sa unke baare mein bhi observant karne ki try karti she did nothing wrong by doing that considering that it is probably ot difficult to see that her in laws are try9ing to turn her hubby against her...but as soon as she did it you caught it...and you do not realize that your so called family is doing the same chalaaki and turning you against your wife and they are at least 40 % successful already not only are you obeservant of her you are also questioning how to behave her and to top it off uski koi baat bhi bakshte nahin tum jab k apne ma baap k munh se apni biwi k liye kuch bhi sunn lete ho

i always wonder why ppl get married when this is how they are going to treat their wives

and another thing why their families bring home bahus and then treat them like sh**

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

plz if you have time do tell me why the heck you agreed to gettin married if you were not going to hold your parents/family to the same standards you hold your wife

if your wife cannot say anything abt ur family they msut not be allowed to say anything about her or how you should treat her

you know what just do what ur parents have told you to do...ek larrki ko uske ghar se ukhaarr k lao aur naukar/animal se bhi badtarr treat karo because after all you her majazi khuda she should suffer happily through any kind of treatment you or your family put her through...anyway you are already somewhat treating her like your parents have said...by being overly observant and you stand up to her for your family but you dont stand up to your family for her... you should be ashamed of yourself

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Sara, loads of desi families here in the UK still think this way, sad but true..

To the OP u know deep down what the best way to be with ur wife is, go with ur instinct and treat her nicely, don't let family interfere too much cos am sure u know best how to deal with ur situation better than they do. Hate to say it but often even members of our own families have their own agendas, I mean honestly does it seem right to u to be controlling towards ur wife? When boys (or girls) let their parents have too much influence in these situations this is where problems start to arise and then before u know it u end up in one huge mess, best to say in as nice a way as possible to ur parents and other family members ur a grown man and ur relationship with ur wife is between u and her. I have seen wayyy too many cases of marriages going sour simply because inlaws (usually the boys side) have felt the need to get too involved and destroy what would otherwise be happy marriages.

shakeel's boutique in tariq road
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^^^ditto to the bold and red part

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Why would one even want to refer to THEMSELVES as "controlling"??? Why would you even want ANYONE....let alone your spouse to view you as "controlling?"

Even celebrities (Tom Cruise, lol) can't make "controlling" look good. It's such a negative word....which sends out a negative vibe/image/connotation. And it's a turn-off in general.

GSUK,

Listen to your conscience, which is telling you that it's not right to treat your wife in a way as to "make her earn your love." If your family is advising this.........they are advising from their BRUISED EGOS. It is mainly their wounded pride and grudge that is giving you this advice that can actually have the potential to ruin your marriage (if there will even be a marriage).

Your family's advice is not reasonable. And I'll tell you why. It is mostly only our parents who love us unconditionally (or try to). For every other relationship in the world.......of course we have to earn the person's trust and positive regard. Think about it. You have to earn your friend's friendship. You have to earn your boss's approval. You have to earn your coworkers' respect. Only parents can tolerate a lot of crap and you normally don't have to "earn" their affection. So, tell me something. Did your parents also advise you to give your friends/boss/coworkers/cousins a cold shoulder...............so that they can "earn" your respect? And did your family give YOU any suggestions about how YOU should earn THEIR respect?????

Respect should be MUTUAL. So, to be FAIR, did your family give you some advice on how YOU should win your fiance's love and respect? I bet they didn't. That's because they're only thinking about what they can get from HER.

How do you "earn" respect? You earn respect by showing respect, consideration, honesty, patience, firmness, etc. Not by being manipulate.

I understand that there are differences between the two families. If it's hard for you, then understand that it is also tough for her. She has to face the a reserved attitude from your family.......does she ALSO need to get that from you too? Are you trying to show her from the very beginning...............that you will not be there to support her........that you don't consider you and her to be a TEAM? Is that the message you're trying to give her?

And how can you be so sure of your family's advice. What if their purpose to give you such advice is that they're secretly hoping that you will stop calling her too much.............and then she'll get mad..............arguments will take place between you two..............in the hopes that you'll call off the whole thing. I'm not saying that your family has such intentions. But how can such behavior truly help the rishta? If you avoid her......she can assume negative things about YOU as well.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

WTF, are you serious?

Okay, first of all YOU get yourself into an arranged marriage situation knowing fully well there are massive cultural and educational differences between you and this girl. I'm assuming you knew something of her educational background before agreeing to marry her.

And if that's not enough, to add insult, your parents are TRAINING you on how to be mean to her in order to CONTROL her?

Exactly what kind of education did you get?

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Please show her respect and treat her with dignity. What goes around comes around.

13

Regarding the first bit I think it's like when u get some desi parents saying 'oh, my kids are so scared of me' as if it's something positive..

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Your parents have a reason for being the way they are, but you--born and brought up in the UK, to have such dumbass thinking..i guess its people like you who give a bad name to desis (OH YES I SAID THE D-word! shockgaspfaint).......

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15

Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

I know Sahar/redvelvet, das how i feel. I wana make her feel secure n give her love n respect bcz she is my wife n im sure she wud have alot of concerns, understandly so aswel. i just think she wud av to leave her parents n cum here to live with me so she must av alot of concerns, worries n insecurities so im tryin to accommodate that. Also, i believe if u luv sumone n make them feel they av special status, dey wud do netin for u.

On the other hand, all my family, parents as wel as uncles etc ring me n tell me that im bein silly n how she wnt respect me bcz im bein too nice to her. it worries me so much. Its not dat dey r askin me to be blatanlty nasty to her, they just want me to cut down on the contact abit n dont b overly lovey dovey.

I dont understand why I shud have to do this or why shud wud want to take advantage if im nice to her. On the other hand, it does worry me specially as I dont know her or their culture that well. Where as, my parents do so logically i shud take their views more seriously.

Also, i know in Boyfriend/gf, u av to play mind games n shudnt give too much too early, shud make oda person earn it or u wil be taken for a ride by odas. gals aint always angels, dey can b very manipulative, chalak n sly so i have to be mindful of dat aswel. So may be i shudnt b too nice jus bcz she is my wife n let her earn the love.

N nah it wasnt a case of Ji ji etc, unfortunately alot of things happened str8 after our nikah n things changed btwn families but I m doing the right thing n stickin with her so she trusts me alot now for dat. But there it was clear what the right thing was, in this situation, its not so clear for me.
XXII Calm down. Funny hw u keep throwin urdu in every sentence, its difficult to read for sum N ur opinions seem so biased. Ur assumin alot of things, b objective gal. U r so idealistic. Luk my parents r not same as her. My parents have earned this respect i have for them by bringing me up, she hasnt done anything on dat scale for me yet so they r two different relations for me which i dont want to compare. I wud listen to what they have to say BUT yea regardless of what my parents say, i wud do what i feel is right thing to do.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

hey they are not biased yaar... and when it comes to marriage m sorry but your parents have not earned any of your respect because you havent been married all your life and she has done nothing to deserve this from your family or you because she has just entered the picture...m not the one being biased here on the contrary i have no reason to be because i have never had to0o face such things as your wife is facing alhamdulillah

and m throwing urdu because sometimes i cant find the right words in english thats why m almost always half english half urdu

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

n Sara ur a mod? sum1 needs to stop bein a dumbass n dats u. No need to rude. im sure u can make ur point without bein insulting. Being a mod, u shud know better. Also, remember u cud b wrong therefore, think twice befo usin such language.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

how old are you?

19

sorry but......
In normal-people-world, one respects the person she or he marries...not make the spouse prove they're worthy of respect as you so lovingly said about your wife in your last post.
Fact that your own family is advising you to not be too nice--is seriously messed up. its upto you to do whatever you want with your wife/life. But i feel really sorry for her.

20

i feel sorry for her too she has to earn his respect prove herself whereas his parents dont just because they have raised him now they have the right to say cr** abt his wife because their son is blind to them because they have so called earned his respect and proved themselves...when have they proved themselves in this situation? being the in laws to his wife? i think they have yet to prove themselves in that department and earn her and your respect bro...if only you would open your eyes