Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

sara jus apologise instead of tryin to cover it up wv ur pathetic justification for bein insulting. Normal people make points in decent way, instead of insulting other people. In normal n decent people world(if der is such a thing), people can talk about anything without bein rude. clearly, u dont have that in ur world u patronising mad woman.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Oh i'm not justifying my insulting you--i openly admit it.

Khair, i will "justify" my insults, whcih are confined to a message board and most likely have no real-world impact, and you can continue your "pathetic justifications" for not respecting your wife b/c your daddy told you not to. At least my justifications etc won't affect a real person or a real person's real life.

Carry on with your life--everyone else here has given you great advice, listen to it and if you want a happy marriage, u will take some bits into serious consideration.

23

GSUK,

Your family is advising you to maintain a distance......or "play hard to get"....or "give her the cold shoulder" so that she will always work hard to win your love.

But in my opinion, your family is more interested in your fiance trying to work hard to win THEIR love. They're most likely assuming that if they advise you to maintain a distance from her...........that this will encourage HER and HER PARENTS to work extra hard to win YOUR FAMILY's approval and surrender to their demands. It's a game man.......and you're being played. Wake up. This not about you. It's not about her. It's about THEM.

Does your dad ignore/avoid your mom to make her come "running" after him? Does your dad try to make your mom feel comfortable in his home as his wife........or does he try to keep your mom's mind in a constant state of doubt and fear about his opinion of her? Does your mom feel comfortable to be herself in your dad's presence or does she always feel worried that she's not dressed/talking/acting/cooking/cleaning according to his standards?

Think about other examples of successful marriages in your family and among your friends. Do the husbands treat their wives like that? Or are these successful marriages based upon a foundation of mature communication and mutual trust?

GSUK, usually..........in relationships...........it is the GIRL who is supposed to or expected to "play hard to get" so that the GUY will remain interested in her. But.................your fiance, being the GIRL, is not playing these games with you. So, why are you doing that to her?

Has your fiance been disrespectful to you in any way? Why is your family so afraid that she won't respect you after marriage? Has she shown any sign or indication of disrespect toward you? Has she displayed in any way that she might be a bad wife in the future? Has she given a reason to be treated in this way by you?

It is VERY VERY VERY common for the parents of a guy to become insecure of his wife. Parents are afraid that the "wife" will seduce their son away from them. That's why they sometimes play manipulative games to try their best to not lose their son. Such behavior is based on insecurity and immaturity. And it has the potential to destroy relationships and it is also UNISLAMIC.

The problem with the parents is that they don't seem to understand that parents and spouse are TWO DIFFERENT KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS and they can't be compared. You will relate to your wife in a different way than you relate to your parents. You can't get the love of a spouse from your parents. And you can't get the love of your parents from your wife. A wife can't replace your parents. And your parents can't replace your wife. Each relationship is unique and according to Islam has it's own place and special rights.

It is ridiculous for parents to even assume that "Oh my son loves his wife more than us. She's stealing him away. She'll wrap him around her evil finger." Uff.......it's juvenile thinking. How do you measure whether you love your parents more or your wife. The answer is that you can't measure it and you shouldn't even bother. Because your love for your parents will be different from the love you have for your wife. And both of them have different rights and requirements from you. But one requirement that ALL relationships should have is MUTUAL RESPECT. And without it...................you won't have a marriage.....let alone this drama you have going on.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

hmm XX lol id tel her ppl feel sorry for her but u know wat she says to me...everyone has problems but not many ppl have a husband like u n so shes d lucky one. Now after ur sorrys, i wud want sum objective opinions plz. Y u galz r so idealistic dat u cnt eva talk abt anything. Things r not always perfect n ppl have to deal with that in relationships to make things perfect. so stop makin perfect families or conditions as d nly way forward for husband/wife relationships. People do have problems in their relationships n in life n we shud deal with them to make things better or perfect, das normal. So chill out u idealistic bunch but im sure ur all grateful that u lot have perfect families n perfect husbands/wives/parents etc.

BDW xxii Y u hell bent on lookin at it from d viewpoint where i have to compare or choose between my parents n her. If my parents r wrong, they r wrong n i dnt listen to them n tell them they r wrong. Like i said they r totally different relations for me. Both have their own place in my life n they cant b compared in terms of who is more important to me etc.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Yeah, dude, your post is totally out of line, so if some of the girls here are throwing shoes at you, there is a reason for it...

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

Ok, seriously, what is so hard with treating her nicely? Isn't that part of your friggin' deen/iman? If your parents gave you bad advice and told you to jump off a bridge or give the Kaaba the middle finger, would you do it? Clearly not. So what is so hard about treating someone with respect?

YOU CHOSE to marry her. No one forced you. Now you have a responsibility to treat her like you'd want any female relative treated by HER husband.

Why is this rocket science?

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

GSUK, I think its VERY nice of you not to bring the families disagreements affect how you treat her.Very noble of you m'A.
It's natural to be confused about how to act when your own parents cant make up their minds.
It really is their fault, I'm sorry.

Even if the families did get into a fight, they should realize not to drag the two of you into it now.It's not like you guys just eloped.... it was an arranged marriage arranged BY THEM.

The only thing you can do is to remain neutral.Tell your parents that since now she is your wife, you will deal with her the way you think is fair.Don't let them degrade her or her family in front of you.
Similarly, tell your wife that you wouldn't appreciate her slagging your family off.
Everyone has to TRY and get along now.

Welcome Your new Prime minister
28

Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

m sorry bhai i think i must have misunderstood you...or misread your posts

because from your posts ...this is what i understood:

1) you are in this dilemma because of your family giving you advice on how to behave with your wife

2) you are overly observant of your wife's behavior and believe that she hs to earn your love and respect

3) your family is not held to the same standards as your wife whilst she must prove herself to you and your family they dont have to prove themselves as the in laws because in your eyes since they raised you

so m sorry but from the above three points it seems clear to me that while you dont have to choose between your parents and your wife you should hold them to the same standards if wife cannot say anything abt ur parents they shud not be allowed to say anything abt your wife or how u behave with her ...if u expect her to prove herself as ur wife and thier DIL they should have to prove themselves as their FIL/MIL as well

if i misunderstood you in anything i am truly sorry

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thats what i have been trying to say...n i think my words came out wrong

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

:hayaa: abay yaar yahan kya ho raha hai plz chorro na why you guys need to throw insults at each other araam se samjhao ghusse se baat karo magar aise nahin karo na you guys are ruining the thread and losing the real issue here plz

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GSUK,

I'm just curious. But do you have any sisters? Let's say, hypothetically, that your sister is going to get engaged. Although your parents are happy for her, they are also a bit sad that their beloved daughter will be leaving them soon. They've spent their 20 odd years raising your sister with so much care..............and they're apprehensive that she's going to be leaving them soon. They're hoping that their future son-in-law will be a good husband and will take care of their "little girl" because they won't always be around or alive to watch over their daughter. They know that life is tough but they hope that she will overall be happy and in peace.

So would your parents want your sister to get married to a guy who will support her..........OR.............would they want your sister to get married to a guy who is contemplating being a controlling husband toward her? Would your parents feel comfortable giving their daughter away to a guy who will "keep her at a distance" so that she'll try even harder to kiss his feet and his family's feet and win their approval?????? Or would your parents want your sister to marry a guy who will try to make her feel comfortable in his home?

If in your heart.........you KNOW.........that your own parents would not wish for a manipulative guy and family for their own daughter..........................................then why are your parents playing such games with someone else's daughter? Think about this point. If your own parents would not wish for someone to play games with their OWN CHILD.........why are they doing that someone else's child?

^And if you can see my point........which is a basic one...........then that would be a CLEAR INDICATION to you that what your family is advising is not right. They might personally believe they are right.......but they're wrong. A robber will try to convince himself and others that stealing is THE BEST ADVICE...................but common sense tells you that it's not.............even if the robber is a family member or a close friend. So, use your common sense here.

Let's be honest................you would not be in the Life forum asking our opinion if you felt 100% comfortable that your parents' advice is correct. If you truly believed that they are giving you great advice..........you would not doubt them at all and you would never have created his thread. But obviously, you're not comfortable with what they're suggesting.

Your parents would not suggest such a strategy if they saw you as a strong individual who has the ability to think independently. But it seems as if your parents view you as someone who is "easily manipulated/swayed" by any advice given by family. Perhaps over the years, you have given them this impression of yourself unknowingly. Obedience is a good trait........but blind obedience is harmful.

Even if YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE family tells you to play mind games with this girl.........ask yourself if she has done anything wrong to deserve this. As the quotation goes....."Sometimes the definition of the word majority is that all the fools are on one side."

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I KNOW!!!!!! You'll even hear educated aunties bragging to other aunties that "Oh my daughter is so obedient that she married whomever I threw her at." Blind obedience is a turn off. Your children are human beings not cattle.

Islam allows children to disobey parents if they are suggesting something that goes against Islamic principles. Desi parents like to pick and choose what Islam says to suit their needs. They only hear the parts which say "You must obey your parents."................but they forget/or choose to ignore the condition that parental demands and advice be in accordance with Islamic rules. And I believe "respect" is requirement in Islam.....and does not exclude fiances or in-laws. LOL

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

S-mk you understood it as it is. Redvelvet thanks for making sum very gud points. Although i dont have any sisters but dat doesnt mean i dn understand ur points. In reality, im more sure that my parents advise is wrong but it bothers me what if they are right? what if im wrong for being too nice...Do women take advantage if their men is too nice to them? In a way I know she wudNT do dat bcz she wud neva get another me. Anyway most contributors here are jus paranoid feminists, who cnt b rational or objective n wud always argue that women r angels when they aint. Why cant a guy have any conversation abt his concerns? If a gal had the same situation n discussed it here, im sure u gals wudnt get ur knickers in twist abt that.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

There is NOTHING wrong in being nice .....to ANYONE.You should especially be nice to your spouse.
But being a door-mat is different.I can't speak for anyone else , but I can say this, I would not want my husband to act like a submissive door-mat ( sorry had to be said :D)
And no one is asking you to do that.

Like someone else said, respect her, she's leaving her family for you, and what goes around comes around...sooner or later.

BTW there was no need to resort to name calling in this thread

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sara i agree on what ever you said. lol when i read his post that was the first thing came in my mind which you said in your 2nd post. after all some desis will always remain desis.

well if you want your wife to respect you then you should give her respect and love first then in return you will get same.. its not like if you are not nice to her then she will respect you...
stop being a mama,papa boy and do what every you thing is right..think before what you do.. does your father controled your mother and try to be not so nice to her ? just think about it and you will get the answer your self

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What do you want? Do you want a relationship or do you want to control your wife?

You are her husband and you are also your parents' son. You cannot take her side and you cannot take your parents' side. You cannot let her insult your parents and you cannot allow your parents to disrespect her.

She may be chalak and manipulative but she is your wife...never forget that. Your parents may not like her but they are your parents.

Yours is a difficult spot but if you are not careful, you will end up being a part of this saas-bahu war for the rest of your life.

Give her what is due to her: respect, kindness, love, compassion, patience so she may adjust to her new life. However, never let her speak ill of your parents in front of you.

Give your parents what is due to them: respect, kindness, love, compassion and patience in their old age. However, never let them speak ill of your wife in front of you.

It will take some balancing but each side deserves to be treated well by you, regardless of how they feel about each other. And they also deserve to be put in their place if they go at war.

Dont yell at your wife in front of your parents and dont get upset with your parents in front of your wife.

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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

If you choose to follow the idiotic and mean-spirited advice of your family members, YOU are destroying your marriage.

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Gsuk ! where do I start?!

Gosh all these expressions. I have no words for you. Simply unbelievable bro.

:nahi:

:kursi:

:rule: Rule # 1. You are married. Be a man! :smilestar:

Welcome Your new Prime minister
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Re: Should i be a loving or controling husband?

PS squared I agree with every single word that you wrote and this is exactly how I have been approaching this whole thing. I dont let any side try to wind me up against the other. I told my parents if u ask me to choose, id choose her n if my wife asked me to choose, id choose my parents. I have already arranged for separate accommodation for us even tho we had enough place in our parents. I did that without her even mentioning it or askin me abt accommodation bcz i felt that was d right thing to do. So im not expectin her to lick my parents feet. I even told her, my parents r my parents, not hers n she got married to me, not them. Similarly, her parents r her parents, not myn. Not ideal but v have to do it.

On the other hand, i wudnt tolerate her tryin to manipulate me or tel me her parents r right n myn r wrong. i found it insulting when she tried to manipulate me. Its like d oda person is thinkin ur stupid n wudnt know wat dey r tryin to do. I know all des games n im too clever for dat.

im I am wonderin now that may b im givin her too much jus in an attempt to make her feel secure, loved n happy. i think all dat is her right but she has duties aswel which she seems oblivious to. I get d impression that she thinks im doin all this bcz im so madly in love with her n cant live without her which is far from reality. If i cud get outa it, i wud. I dont love her(YET) n im tryin to find sum common ground so v can fall in luv in future. Then again, i do make her feel like i love her n shes d best thing since slice bread. I think a wife shud feel dat way n its her right to be treated like dat but im scared what if this approach backfires in future. She makes me laff when she thinks dat im doin al dis cz i miss her too much or love her too much.

Sometimes i wish i cud jus say luk im doin it cz i think v need to workhard so v can b happy togeda AND I expect her to put effort into our relationship jus like i am instead of takin it for granted but i cnt say dis to her n she is not lookin at it from dat point of view. She just thinks im madly in love n i dnt wana ruin her happines by tellin her im not. THEREFORE, It seems to me dat shes takin it all for granted. so may b i shud hold back n make her work for it, instead of her takin it for granted?

Makin me question if its a gud idea to be too overly nice or ring her too often. So confusing.

40

dude start with trying being a man.

in front of poor girl you have all your testosterone waiting to be unleashed.
Infront of your family you start pissing your pants.

I mean either you are a man or you are not.

haha
or should I say either you are a man OR you are a desi man.