Re: She makes me so angry
Your taking her granddaughters to the uk and forcing her son to follow you there. I GUARANTEE that is part of the reason she is acting like this. She doesn't want her son to leave her and you agreeing to stay in pakistan prob played a role in her accepting you as her bahu and you changed ur mind, can you really blame her for being pissed about it?
Re: She makes me so angry
So if you don't agree with your mil or decide to make a different choice your mil has the right to be pissed and behave as she pleases because you shouldn't have pissed her off in the first place?
I truly feel bad for people who have terrible in laws. Just don't engage in this kind of behavior and begin to just talk right to her. She will be surprised that you are confronting her, don't get angry just say what you feel what is just and fair in a calm manner.
I have a really annoying sil who thinks she can behave as she pleases without any regard. I sat with her and said if you don't stop with this type of behavior I will reprimand you each time. I did it a few times and she stopped. No games no revenge tactics just plain old calling her out everytime she behaved disrespectfully. Eg: she was talking how I'm totally whitewashed I am in everyway and making fun of me at a dinner party. I looked at her and said she needed to stop and she was embarrassing herself infront of everyone by behaving in such a low class manner. I got up went and got myself a glass of water and came back and resumed being my normal self.
You teach people how to treat you, behave in a dignified manner you are not a servant ( Hindu tradition adopted by Muslims), don't accept any hostility.
No one has the right to degrade or humiliate anyone putting up with it and staying quiet isn't being respectful.
Re: She makes me so angry
i was actually thinking of telling husband that mil is tryingto break us up ( which could be true) .
)
Telling your husband that his mom is trying to break you and him up is not going to work. What will work better is your actions because they speak louder than words. Your actions versus your MIL's words. The former will be more effective. Let her yap on about how careless and awful you are.....you refute her words by being more helpful, polite, attentive, etc....especially in front of your husband. You have been given this advice over and over again and you continue to gloss over it. I may sound crazy, but sometimes I wonder if jadu hasn't been done on your mind, which is preventing you from grasping/following things. If you tell your husband that his mom is scheming...... And it's only a guess/suspicion of yours.....he will either stay silent or get upset. I don't see how you think doing this will help alleviate the current tension and I'd doubt the sensibilities of anyone who supports the idea of yours. :/
Moreover, it can be argued that YOU yourself are trying to break up your own marriage by adhering to behaviors that only increase the tension. You have two months...make a better impression on him while you're still here....so he's less likely to be swayed later on.
And you know what? I wouldn't be the least bit surprise if a few months from now theres a thread from you about how your MIL has brainwashed your husband after you left Pak. It's become that predictable.
Re: She makes me so angry
So if you don't agree with your mil or decide to make a different choice your mil has the right to be pissed and behave as she pleases because you shouldn't have pissed her off in the first place?
Was that for me? But think of it this way you agree to work for someone and they agree to pay you minimum wage. You do all your work and when you go to collect they say they changed their mind and are going to pay you half. Does the worker not have the right to be pissed? The worker is not gonna say I had the best boss ever. It's not about the decision changing but. The consequences. The mil thought shed live with her son and his family till she died but now that's taken and she probably blames nadz. Nadz is human, she can changer her mind all she wants just have to be prepared for what happens next.
The mil is not necessarily justified in her actions but that is one of the sources and from my experiences with pakistani mils a huge root of the problem. I saw a mother go into depression because her son followed his wife to Canada.
** Plus what the mil is doing is no different than what nadz is doing here so no reason to throw her under the bus** if ur gonna throw the mil under the bus of cruelty and abus gotta throw nadz too
Re: She makes me so angry
The elderly do ridiculous stuff when they are angry worried or upset and they expect the younger ones to figure out, doesn't make sense but that's how it is.
I haven't checked but I have yet to read a thread that says I calmly asked mil what is wrong or what have I done wrong.
Re: She makes me so angry
You're not getting it Nadz. Being nice and looking like a doormat is the best revenge you can have against your MIL! Complaining about her and saying negative stuff about her to your husband will not win you any brownie points with him. Its going to be difficult for your husband to choose a side when BOTH sides are behaving the same way!
Sooo.....you need to stop caring about your MIL so much. Truly disliking someone doesn't mean you hate them.....it means you're indifferent towards their existence. Whether she's complimenting you or saying the most disgusting thing about you.......you should not actually care either way. Just smile and be polite. Shut down all your emotions when it comes to her.
Stop making decisions based on your emotions and think with your brain. Making your marriage stronger should be your primary goal & you should stop allowing your MIL to distract you from that. In front of your husband, treat your MIL with total respect. It's not about what you feel....it's about what your husband PERCEIVES your feelings to be. So learn to act!
You need to make him believe that despite all the past drama, no matter what your MIL currently does........you will treat her with respect and care for her. So next time your husband is around and you're making chai for him, make a cup for MIL and offer it to her IN FRONT of him. If you guys are eating dinner and you see your MIL's water or anything else (roti, sabzi whatever) running low........ask her nicely if she's like some more. In front of him, offer to help her clear the table, help with dishes, cook whatever. If she complains of not feeling well, when he's there, ask about her health and if there's anything you can do to make her comfortable. Kill her with kindness while he's watching/listening. And when he's not around, be totally indifferent. Stay away from her as much as possible and ignore any jabs she throws at you.
Before leaving for UK, you must make sure your husband has very positive memories of you. Not memories of you bashing his mother and creating drama when he comes home. Unless you're actually being physically abused...given the fact that you have tickets booked for UK......stay quiet about all the drama your MIL is causing. When your husband is with you, make his time pleasant. If your MIL wants to continue to bash you to him......let her. If your husband mentions that your MIL is upset b/c you did or said something......then you should say something like "I feel bad that I hurt her feelings. If you think it will make her feel better, I have no problem apologizing to her." Allow your MIL to provide all the negativity/stress/complaints/nagging etc in your husband's life. When he's with you....give him nothing but love and peace. You'd be amazed as to what difference this can make to a man after a while.
So essentially you are teaching her to be a hypocrite and be deceitful? How is that supposed to make someone feel happy? IMHO, it's not good advice.
If the sole reason for doing something is just to 'please your husband' then you might still end up frustrated if this 'strategy' (= deception) doesn't get the desired results. Besides your mother in law will still hate you, maybe even more (and this time perhaps she would be justified too).
I suggest that instead of putting so much effort into pretending to be nice, how about trying to be genuinely nice to her regardless of whether your husband is there or not, because that's the right thing to do. And even if she doesn't reciprocate the gesture and continues to hate you, then at least you will have the peace of mind for knowing that you have done the right thing. Just because someone is nasty to us, that doesn't give us the right to be wicked/evil/nasty as well. Because then we also become like the very person that we are hating.
And if you or anyone believes that they don't owe it to be nice to their in laws, for whatever reasons, then by the same logic the in laws also don't owe it to be nice to them either. This is a very irrational way of thinking that I would be only nice to people if they are nice to me. Because in the end, the person who continues to hold a grudge (even for justified reasons) is the one who is never happy, because you are constantly in anguish because of your negative feelings. When we decide to let go and forgive others the only person whom we are really doing a favour is our own self!
So again, either be genuinely nice to people or don't. Pretending to be nice only backfires. In real life, don't we always hate this type of people ourselves? Aren't we always complaining about so and so being a 'meethi churri'. So how does this become acceptable if we are doing it ourselves? We should treat others how we expect to be treated ourselves, regardless of whether the other person 'deserves' it or not. Besides in laws are not like our parents, who are going to love/like us despite all our foibles and follies. Only a parent's love can overlook that. With rest of the world, you have to earn it.
Re: She makes me so angry
I understand the point of the niceness being insincere, however at the same time I don't think it's wise to openly display dislike. She doesn't have to bend over backwards and suck up to her MIL....but she can make an effort to be more courteous/considerate. Also, sometimes you may not start out with with the right reasons or frame of mind, but over time it can change. For example, you may see praying as a chore when you first start out and then over time your feelings/intentions/attitude about it become more positive.
Re: She makes me so angry
^But my point is exactly that, if you are going to make an effort to be more courteous/considerate, do it for the right reasons. Because you are going to do it anyway. We don't have to like or love someone in order to be nice and courteous to them.
Re: She makes me so angry
So essentially you are teaching her to be a hypocrite and be deceitful? How is that supposed to make someone feel happy? IMHO, it's not good advice.
If the sole reason for doing something is just to 'please your husband' then you might still end up frustrated if this 'strategy' (= deception) doesn't get the desired results. Besides your mother in law will still hate you, maybe even more (and this time perhaps she would be justified too)..
Yep....sometimes in order to save something that's important to us (and I assume love/respect from her husband is important to Nadz)........deceit is necessary. It's not right or "politically correct".......but that's reality.
Nadz's MIL has been hating her for the past 2 years. Nadz is already frustrated and angry. She has tried showing her true feelings to her MIL and her husband but obviously it hasn't worked. So at this point, I'm not quite sure what Nadz has to lose by following my advice. IF it doesn't work...her MIL will still hate her and she'll stay frustrated......which is exactly where she is today. HOWEVER, if my advice works....which I firmly believe it will IF EXECUTED PROPERLY........then it'll improve Nadz's marriage in the long run.
I suggest that instead of putting so much effort into pretending to be nice, how about trying to be genuinely nice to her regardless of whether your husband is there or not, because that's the right thing to do. And even if she doesn't reciprocate the gesture and continues to hate you, then at least you will have the peace of mind for knowing that you have done the right thing. *Just because someone is nasty to us, that doesn't give us the right to be wicked/evil/nasty as well. *
**And if you or anyone believes that they don't owe it to be nice to their in laws, **for whatever reasons, then by the same logic the in laws also don't owe it to be nice to them either. This is a very irrational way of thinking that I would be only nice to people if they are nice to me. Because in the end, the person who continues to hold a grudge (even for justified reasons) is the one who is never happy, because you are constantly in anguish because of your negative feelings. ..
1) I never advised Nadz to be nasty/mean/rude to her MIL. The jist of my advice is to be extra nice to the MIL when the husband is around. And when he's not, avoid the MIL and don't react if the MIL says anything negative. She needs to put away all her emotions b/c clearly, reacting with her true emotions hasn't helped improve anything in 2 years.
2) All the stuff about Nadz feeling good b/c she did the "right thing"........again, sounds great on paper and in theory, but is not going to work for Nadz. She's leaving Pakistan in 2 months. Her husband will live with the MIL by himself for an indefinite period of time. That gives the MIL plenty of time and opportunity to give her son a negative view of his wife if she chooses to do so.
Right now Nadz's #1 focus needs to be to improve her relationship with her husband BEFORE she leaves for UK. She has lived with the MIL for 2 YEARS.........if she hasn't managed get genuinely nice towards the MIL in 2 YEARS.....it's not gonna happen in the next 2 months. If she doesn't like the MIL........then its not going to be possible for her to somehow magically come up with true warm/fuzzy feelings towards that woman. There might be a day in the future where Nadz is ready to forgive the MIL.....that day may be months or even years away......but I can promise you that day isn't going to come in the next 2 months.
So again, either be genuinely nice to people or don't. Pretending to be nice only backfires..
No, it doesn't always backfire. In fact, in order to preserve relationships such as friendships, jobs (ie. dealing with boss, co-workers, clients etc.), and even with family members......at times its important to put a lid on our true feelings and fake niceness & stay focused on long-term goals.
Re: She makes me so angry
You're not getting it Nadz. Being nice and looking like a doormat is the best revenge you can have against your MIL! Complaining about her and saying negative stuff about her to your husband will not win you any brownie points with him. Its going to be difficult for your husband to choose a side when BOTH sides are behaving the same way!
I understand the sentiment Paheli.....but I don't think that any of this should be about making the husband choose a side.
In my experience, whenever a woman has consciously demanded that her husband choose a side, she has suffered. I would never ask any person to pick me over their parent.......ever.
Sooo.....you need to stop caring about your MIL so much. Truly disliking someone doesn't mean you hate them.....it means you're indifferent towards their existence. Whether she's complimenting you or saying the most disgusting thing about you.......you should not actually care either way. Just smile and be polite. Shut down all your emotions when it comes to her.
Good advice.
But in order to do this we need a much more mature and tolerant nadz.
Stop making decisions based on your emotions and think with your brain. Making your marriage stronger should be your primary goal & you should stop allowing your MIL to distract you from that. In front of your husband, treat your MIL with total respect. It's not about what you feel....it's about what your husband PERCEIVES your feelings to be. So learn to act!
If by "learn to act" you are suggesting that she learn to manipulate then I'm not sure that this is good advice. Why not take a step back and treat everyone, including MIL, with total respect whether anyone else is around to witness it or not? Isn't that what our deen stipulates?
Even when a person does not behave in a fashion that invites respect, treating them with it will always leave you looking good and eventually may even turn their attitude towards you around.
You need to make him believe that despite all the past drama, no matter what your MIL currently does........you will treat her with respect and care for her. So next time your husband is around and you're making chai for him, make a cup for MIL and offer it to her IN FRONT of him. If you guys are eating dinner and you see your MIL's water or anything else (roti, sabzi whatever) running low........ask her nicely if she's like some more. In front of him, offer to help her clear the table, help with dishes, cook whatever. If she complains of not feeling well, when he's there, ask about her health and if there's anything you can do to make her comfortable. Kill her with kindness while he's watching/listening. And when he's not around, be totally indifferent. Stay away from her as much as possible and ignore any jabs she throws at you.
Before leaving for UK, you must make sure your husband has very positive memories of you. Not memories of you bashing his mother and creating drama when he comes home. Unless you're actually being physically abused...given the fact that you have tickets booked for UK......stay quiet about all the drama your MIL is causing. When your husband is with you, make his time pleasant. If your MIL wants to continue to bash you to him......let her. If your husband mentions that your MIL is upset b/c you did or said something......then you should say something like "I feel bad that I hurt her feelings. If you think it will make her feel better, I have no problem apologizing to her." Allow your MIL to provide all the negativity/stress/complaints/nagging etc in your husband's life. When he's with you....give him nothing but love and peace. You'd be amazed as to what difference this can make to a man after a while.
All good advice except I would add that you should keep up the behaviour even when there is nobody to witness it but Allah.
Re: She makes me so angry
I understand the sentiment Paheli.....but I don't think that any of this should be about making the husband choose a side.
In my experience, whenever a woman has consciously demanded that her husband choose a side, she has suffered. I would never ask any person to pick me over their parent.......ever..
I'm not suggesting Nadz make the husband choose a side or even demand it. But if she wants her husband to defend her more often to the MIL....then her behavior must change.
If by "learn to act" you are suggesting that she learn to manipulate then I'm not sure that this is good advice. Why not take a step back and treat everyone, including MIL, with total respect whether anyone else is around to witness it or not? Isn't that what our deen stipulates?
Even when a person does not behave in a fashion that invites respect, treating them with it will always leave you looking good and eventually may even turn their attitude towards you around.
All good advice except I would add that you should keep up the behaviour even when there is nobody to witness it but Allah.
I agree with all the above. What is stated is the ideal situation. As as you yourself stated......we need a much more mature and tolerant Nadz in order for this to become a reality in this situation.
The major problem here is the lack of time. Nadz herself has complained about her husband's lack of affection/consideration towards her. Her long term goal is to get the husband to move to the UK AND be happy living with her there. In order for her to do this....its crucial that she improve her relationship with her husband. Phone calls/Skype chats with Skype will only do so much. There is not a set date as to when the husband will join her in the UK. I firmly believe that Nadz needs to do ANYTHING she can in order to leave her husband with positive memories of her in the next 2 months. Filling this time with love/affection towards him, not complaining about the MIL, and being extra nice to the MIL (especially when the husband is watching/listening) will only help with that.
IMHO, Nadz's current mental state and her lack of time does not give her the luxury to behave in this ideal/perfect way that you and Kashmir described.
** Side note: Perhaps you and Kashmir see it differently but I don't think my suggestion that she avoid the MIL as much as possible and not react at all if the MIL says/does something negative is anyway similar to not treating the MIL with respect or being rude towards her.
Re: She makes me so angry
** Side note: Perhaps you and Kashmir see it differently but I don't think my suggestion that she avoid the MIL as much as possible and not react at all if the MIL says/does something negative is anyway similar to not treating the MIL with respect or being rude towards her.
Oh I definitely see where you are coming from......and agree with most everything.
I think my issue with "putting on an act" is my own shortcoming so I always have a tough time dishing out this kind of advice. In this case it may be the only saving grace that nadz has so better that she use the skills available to her rather than strive to reach what might be a very lofty goal for her.
Having said that.....I don't believe that her husband is as clueless as we might think. I'm pretty sure he knows what's going on but chooses not to get involved as much as possible because he probably knows that he simply can't change either of them.
Re: She makes me so angry
Really? :halo:
Re: She makes me so angry
See, there's the difference between American and Pakistani families: in America, the husband will always choose the wife over the mother, because the wife will be there long after his mother is gone. She is his present and future, while the parents are the past and present.
Re: She makes me so angry
You’ve never met any American couples that divorced? 
Re: She makes me so angry
See, there's the difference between American and Pakistani families: in America, the husband will always choose the wife over the mother, because the wife will be there long after his mother is gone. She is his present and future, while the parents are the past and present.
that's not always right either. I know of cases where the wives left after a few short years, even when the husband stood up for them and chose them.
nadz....how is she with your kids?
Re: She makes me so angry
All you girls are so nice. Spending time giving nadz advice over and over. I am sure someone Will benefit from your advices, but it wont be nadz. :s
Re: She makes me so angry
All you girls are so nice. Spending time giving nadz advice over and over.....
LOL... and even after starting the advice with...
What you don't seem to understand is............
Re: She makes me so angry
Nadz,
I am wondering how is her relationship with your daughters and moreover your mother provided that your mother was her in-laws before you became her daughter in law, maybe she is acting on harbored feelings from the past relationship and bringing these unresolved feelings into the new relationship?
Re: She makes me so angry
"You've never met any American couples that divorced? "
Indeed! MANY! But not because they chose their Mommas instead. Marriages fail for many reasons.