Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
Totally agree with amana that is exactly how I feel.
As soon as any children I have are married I want them out. They need to practise all the life skills I will have instilled in them. Me and my hubby will want to roam around the house naked, doing what we want when we want.
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
“shak”
I** would never move out, i'd love to live in a joint-family.. I can't fathom the thought of my kids not being able to get love/attention by his/her grandparents.. I blv old people and buzurgs are a blessing around the house.. and i'm used to being around elders and taking care of them..** i'd like to continue after marriage too Inshallah.
No doubt there are many sacrifices u'd have to make.. as well as compromises.. I would never ask my husband to move out.. as I know how my parents would feel if my brother moved out post marriage :(
Most guys want to live with their parents..and it's usually the women that ask them to arrange for a seperate accomodation.
So true
Good points! :k:
You know, this post raises some really interesting questions about the way that boys are raised in south asian society, and what it means to be an adult.
I recently read a blog post about hand-feeding boys, how it is more common for boys to be hand-fed for a longer period than girls, and how while displays of affection are discouraged between husband and wife; father and daughter, they are perfectly acceptable between mother and son.
We know that in Islam our parents are to be respected and cared for, but no other muslim culture goes as far as South Asian in so clearly defining how that care is to occur.
Why does the culture put so much emphasis on binding only the son to his parents? Is it because this is the only interpersonal relationship that provides security to a woman?
this is such a weird thread. Not all parents are alike, not all household are run in the same way, not all parents require consistent attention, not all parents make reasonable in laws and most of all there is nothing uniform in the world so why on earth apply a uniform scenario to a situation that could be diverse so very many people. This is the sort of thing people should sort out before marriage, dont like the idea of leaving parents for your reasons find a woman who is willing to go ahead with your plan.
Some people marry according to the wishes of their parents , and their parents choose an abominble piece who then doesnt blend in, children get caught in the middle later on and everyone had their say, so why should the children suffer the tension? Some people marry against the wishes of parents and expects things to fall into place one the step is taken. Some people have parents who have been abusive to each other and children, i cant imagine why they would expect their wives if they could afford to move in separate place. Sometimes the domestic atmosphere of each partner is very different and they cannot get used to the inlaws, if its either divorce or moving nearby its upto them.Sometimes its long family history track (given that pakistanis marry within extended family frequently) that makes is inevitable.
I have seen so many guys staying abroad while studying or earning or even wasting time but once they are wed its turning the back on their parents. Unfortunately i havent seen many guys have personally taking care of their parents, they expect the wives to do the job. That then later on snow balls into demand of separate house.
and ofcourse most of the people who disagree with the joint sysetm are women. they are the one who have to make adjustments. In families where there are no sons, even the nicest of guys doesnt move in with in laws.
Very well said and I completely agree. If you have an issue with girls wanting to have their own space as is their religious right, then just find a girl who is comfortable with living with your family.
Also, where does it stay in the Quran that a SON has to take care of the parents and the daughter doesn't? The Quran states that children (both sons and daughters) should take care of their aging parents.....so why can't it ever be that a guy moves in with his wife's parents??? EVEN if the wife has brothers, why can't the couple move in with the wife's parents??? Why does the wife have to move in with her in-laws? Why can't the guy move in with HIS in-laws? Or what if both parents are alone.....does the wife have to move in with her husband's parents? How do you pick and choose? And yes like everyone said, aging parents are a completely different issue. Most parents are very active these days. They work, socialize, have their own friends, and actually appreciate their space. But yes if they are old and dependent, of course the children (the son OR the daughter) should be living with them.
So, if the husband refuses to move out when the means are there, and the parents are able, then i think that is more of a general reflection of insecurity on his part, rather than the wife's and the affliction is well known as 'mama's boy'!
We know that in Islam our parents are to be respected and cared for, but no other muslim culture goes as far as South Asian in so clearly defining how that care is to occur. Why does the culture put so much emphasis on binding only the son to his parents? Is it because this is the only interpersonal relationship that provides security to a woman?
Good points! :)
You know, this post raises some really interesting questions about the way that boys are raised in south asian society, and what it means to be an adult.
I recently read a blog post about hand-feeding boys, how it is more common for boys to be hand-fed for a longer period than girls, and how while displays of affection are discouraged between husband and wife; father and daughter, they are perfectly acceptable between mother and son.
We know that in Islam our parents are to be respected and cared for, but no other muslim culture goes as far as South Asian in so clearly defining how that care is to occur. Why does the culture put so much emphasis on binding only the son to his parents? Is it because this is the only interpersonal relationship that provides security to a woman?
Your so right. This really annoys me and the worst part of it is that it is WOMEN enabling this 'needy' male behaviour.
Off topic but...
It seems that a lot of women are raising sons to be dependent on other women, they are not giving them the life skills in order to survive on their own.
When I first got married my husband could do nothing, and I mean nothing, there were times i would come home from work and he would be sitting on the couch with a blanket because he did not know how to work the central heating system!!! Never mind the microwave, washing machine or cooker. This really upset me as I worried for our children, I wanted to be sure that if I died he would be able to run a house and look after the kids, not just dump them on his mom and move on with life.
It's sad that these mothers are so insecure about their role, they would rather bring up a needy son who depends on them for everything. It's like thier lives are soo unfulfilled they have to ensure they are 'needed' all the time.
All this does is produce men that don't really have much to offer thier wives.
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
Oh my! some love in this thread. Thank you for the personal attacks!
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
^ Forget the personal attacks, will you marry Gina or not?
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
Isn't that quite personal?
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
Jaanwar....bhai....dont take the responses in this thread so personally. Its a very heated topic for sure and replies are not directed at you personally but rather at the situations that gals are (sometimes) pushed into.
You want an extended family situation? Thats lovely. And I sincerely hope and wish for you to find a rishta who wants just that also (PLEASE be sure to ask her before you marry her!!)
I think every single person who answered in this thread would agree that if this is what you want and if this is what your bride wants then its an ideal situation. If its something that is dictated to a gal then theres bound to be trouble....as you can see from some of the answers here.
But again, dont take things so personally here, you raised a very heatable topic yeah? So replies will involve heat too.
For sure, I wish you the very best in finding the perfect rishta...and I'm sure most (or even all) of the responders do as well.
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
^ mo3, you didn't see any personal comments here? wow!
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
Omgg jaanwar how many times are you gonna change your post number 71?? And i feel like such a creep that i know you changed it! So stop!
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
Jaanwar...its quite possible that I missed something...will return in a bit...give boyz dinner and tubbies, get them settled and then have some time to meself to review...hang in there....
Jaanwar, it seems to me that you are seriously thinking about settling down and have to consider your elders also. Now I have just come up with a suggestion bcos it suddenly struck me that you are compatible with someone else here.
Don't dismiss it, consider it seriously. So someone mentioned that you live / travel around / work in the middle east? May I suggest you set up base in Dubai and get your mum to move there with you. Then marry Gina. See, no abandonment of parents, both close enough to take care of both your parents.
Gina, I admire your spirit and attitude towards parental care, mashallah.
My humble apologies if either of you are not single, or if I have embarrassed / offended either of you.
BAD idea.. I prefer homo-sapiens over jaanwars any day! ;)
Back to the topic.. parents..abandoning.. moving-out.
Omgg jaanwar how many times are you gonna change your post number 71?? And i feel like such a creep that i know you changed it! So stop!
LOL!
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
I don't think any child wants to leave their parents in an ideal world(unless they really did not get on well). Seen as though this topic is specially in relation to marriage and living arrangements after marriage I can't say much because I have not been through this myself.
However, essentially, I think a joint family system has many benefits, IF and only IF people get on well, are civil to one another and respect each others privacy. When things go sour, it would be so awkward, disheartening, frustrating and saddening to live in such a system. I think compromise is key. Not just by the wife, but between all parties in order to ensure that daily life is bearable. If at the end of the day, people can not get along, it may be best for everyones sanity to move out. It would not be abandoning as such. It would be better to leave before a feud is created, than after.
I don't have much preference. After marriage I would assess the needs of all parties before making a decision based on my own selfish agenda. I don't want to leave my parents. Alhamdulilah they are able and all my other family are here, but I know being a girl, it is a given, that I will have to. I would want to get on with my husband's parents. it is a blessing to have elders around and their duas are a welcome addition. I would want my children to have the influence of elders which I had when I was younger. I don't have a big family but we have all lived together and made the most of what we have. People have not gone from time to time(heck no one can) but in the long term, it has enriched us all with a better understanding of people.
Independence does not necessarily mean having one's own house. Independence manifests itself in many forms. At the end of the day it boils down to compromise and assessing the needs of everyone, rather than an individual. Guys should realise that it was their parents who gave them everything before the wife came along and balance this with the needs of their parents. We all have obligations and duties to fulfil and should not forget our pre-marriage lives.
Unless my saas beat me up with a bailan everyday, I think I could pretty much manage.
Oh my! some love in this thread. Thank you for the personal attacks!
Jaanwar if this is directed at me, then I want to apologise, I have expressed what may seem to some as extreme views but I can assure you not all of them were directed at you, I have digressed from the topic and I should have been much clearer with my posts. Only 3/4 of my first post #55 was for you.
Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?
Janwar, it looks like you dont have much to say after these posts #54, 55, 58, 65, 66.
Where are your counter arguments to these posts.
Thanks.