Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Alright this is going to be a long one.

This one concept/thought bugs me big time. I have seen so many advocates of post marriage independence, interestingly nearly all of them being women, who believe and preach that a couple should move out of the man’s parents house and live independently. The idea is that this gives the couple more independence and privacy, and the usual in-laws politics doesnt happen that way. Unluckily, I haven’t come across very many women who believe that a couple should live with the man’s parents, for a range of reasons that they come up with.

My own idea is, parents provide for your needs, raise you, protect you, educate you and take care of you from your birth to the point where you are able to stand on your own two feet. Usually, when you are old and capable enough to start working and earning livelihood, this is when your parents are old, fathers and mothers retire and are dealing with diabetese, arthritis, hypertension and so on. Isn’t that the point where you tell them to sit back and relax, not be worried about earning or running chores, and you take over that part? In many cases, parents provide for their children more than they can afford, more than they ever had, best education, best clothes, the best of everything.

And when you get married, what changes all of a sudden? To me, leaving them and getting a place of your own where you can live happily everafter with your wife is like turning your back on your responsibilities. This idea is disturbing. For those advocates who believe that a couple should move close to their parents’ house so that they can keep a check on them, are you kidding me? At that age, chances of an emergency are much higher, a heart stroke, a paralysis attack, anything. It is nothing but an attempt to make it sound less ugly. ‘Moving close to your parents and keeping a check on them’ should be applicable only in the cases where there actually are serious political issues and disagreements and moving out is the only way out in order to maintain a sensible and sane life.

This whole concept of moving out and getting a place of your own is cold and stems from insecurities of women and the whole inlaws-are-evil mentality. Be that a man’s parents, or a woman’s - if she does not have a brother who can take care of them, in which case herself and her husband should take care of them - men should stay with their parents and take care of them and their wives should lend them a hand.

What is your take on this whole concept? I am expecting quite a few counter arguments.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

Jaanwar my man another question that could be asked is that if the roles were reversed would the women leave their parents home for the sake of privacy and independence?

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

1 Find a home near your parents.
2 Visit them every day.
3 Give them some financial support.
4 If they need some thing give them.
5 Arrange some workers and servant for them. like cleaner, driver, cooker etc.
6 Call them daily.
7 Invite them to your home at least once a week.

Hakuna Matata!
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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

Ali, my brother, I am sorry but it still sounds rather cold and your list might not be very practical. If you have a regular job, do you really think you can visit them everyday?

Financial support? it is a small part of the support you are supposed to give your old parents. They gave you much more than pocket money didnt they?

If they need something, they can get it themselves, I doubt if your dad will call you and ask you to get him something. It is more about being there for them when they need you.

Workers and servants are not a replacement for children. Everybody has servants.

Sorry man, I don't agree with your pointers for paying back what you owe your parents for raising you and making you the man you are.

CM - true said mate. They have to leave their parents once they get married, but their brothers should take over and take care of their parents. If they don't have brothers, like I said, it is their responsibility then and their husbands should lend them a hand.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

I wish to leave home in order to live the way I want to. It is so difficult for me to live with my father, whenever he asks of me to do something I become aggressive I give him a spiteful almost hateful look and he is hurt and angered by it. I don't know why that is I don't know why I'm always so unfriendly with him. Just now he asked of me to clean my room and I felt like screaming at him. Sometimes I can't stand a minute here in this place and just wish I could leave him, however then I will be told he is going to die and it will all be my fault. I don't know what to do.

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I would never move out, i'd love to live in a joint-family.. I can't fathom the thought of my kids not being able to get love/attention by his/her grandparents.. I blv old people and buzurgs are a blessing around the house.. and i'm used to being around elders and taking care of them.. i'd like to continue after marriage too Inshallah.

No doubt there are many sacrifices u'd have to make.. as well as compromises.. I would never ask my husband to move out.. as I know how my parents would feel if my brother moved out post marriage :(

Most guys want to live with their parents..and it's usually the women that ask them to arrange for a seperate accomodation.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

I wish I had that kind of relationship to my dad but it's impossible it's all so difficult. I do admire your way of thinking Gina and really think it is a beautiful if people do that, however for me it'd only cause to much trouble... :S

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

Many women like to feel that they've married a man in the manly sense. If he lives with his "mommy" that detracts from manliness for some.

There is a special bond between parent and child for sure. And no matter how great the relationship may be between MIL and DIL, that special bond is absent. So a wife may get to feeling that her husband married her only for the duty of being servant to the MIL and FIL. Would it be different for the wife if it were her own parents? I bet it would be.

But still...most gals that I know of would be more attracted to a lifestyle where she and her hubby could establish lives of their own. Live on their own, cook what she wants, run her house as she wants, have freedom and privacy. Caring for a parent, whether its in-laws or not is as much of a huge responsibility as having a child. And the burden of it falls upon the wife - not the husband.

So....guys, if you want to live with your parents then just make completely sure that your intended wife is agreeable to it.

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Jaanwar, the reason I would advocate newly married couples to move out, is bcos the dynamics of the family changes, boundaries can be pushed towards breaking point. What often happens is that the DIL and MIL do NOT get on, getting husband in the middle. He can either STRUGGLE in the middle and be unhappy himself, not making either MIL or his wife happy, or take the side of mother, which makes his wife unhappy, or take the side of his wife, which will make the mother unhappy.

Why should a man ruin his relationship with his mum / or his new wife, for the sake of living with parents who do not need him AT THE MOMENT.

Fine, when a son gets married, usually his parents are at an age where they can function very well for themselves. Actually activity is good for them and keeps their minds alert also.

When they reach an age or their health reaches a stage where they need assistance, then fair enough, ALLthe kids (not just the sons) should reach a solution that suits their parents and their needs.

In my family, my grandparents lived on their own quite happily until grandma died and grandad was alone. Then he moved in with us, my parents and us kids had a very good relationship with him and did everything for him, treated him well and my mum and dad took the very best care of him in his final months until he passed away.

My parents at the moment are doing fine and do not need us to live with them, and when and IF the time comes that they need us, I do not doubt that any of their children would hesitate in living with them to help them as they helped my grandfather.

Until then, I will still believe that a married couple should live away from their parents in order to establish a good relationship AND keep their relationship with their parents going well.

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Just a thought: Its just the universal life cycle, where every upcoming generation has to establish themselves. Just think about it, our parents have moved out of their parents homes, atleast thats how it works here in the states. If the only thing right thing to do is stay with your parents, then what happens to the families with just daughters? Last time i checked, those parents deserve an equal chance for care and respect like any parents who have a son.
You cannot just implay that the only right thing do is move in with your parents(guys side), and if you don't your doing somehting wrong. Every household is unique! For example, in my situation, i don't want to live with his parents, but instead mine(or close to mine), becuase he has a younger brother, who even if he goes out of the country to study, but i know he'll be back for his parents. I, on the other hand, am the last of two daughters. Now after me there will be no one to take care of my parents. And since my parents are very independent, they would want us to get our own house, but in the same city as them.
And then one day i want them to shift back to Pakistan, with us so we can be both with his parents and mine!

"My own idea is, parents provide for your needs, raise you, protect you, educate you and take care of you from your birth to the point where you are able to stand on your own two feet."
^ now about this, it is very true what your saying, and we are all thankfull for that, but you have to make your own life! I mean is it wrong that my life does not surround around my parents? Should it? I don't think so, because you havee to move up, not go back or stay in the same place as your parents! This is does not mean, don't take care of your parents, but its okay to think about yourself too! Look our parents they thought about themselves too. So many parents, including mine, say they came to the states to make a better life, for their childern! And look they don't say they came here to make a better life for their parents!
In every aspect of life, using your common sense is key! There is no cookie cutter for everything problem in life, othewise we would not have problems like this! But you can't just say a girl should not, not wanna move in with the guys parents. I know culturally, girls move in with the guys family, but why? Is there a religious aspect to it, which i don't know about? Why is it soo taboo, for the couple to move in with the girls family. Many times i have seen, mostly in Pk, that the girls parents do everything for her to get married, and what happens after shaadi? They are alone! And a lot of the times, the guys family CAN live without their son, so he can take care of of his inlaws, but what a taboo right? Common sense people, common sense, its not that hard to use it!

Meri Zaat Zarra-e-Benishan...whats the meaning of last Lines ??
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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

2-family houses. holla.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

RupayHalwa covered most of the points that I had in mind

A couple of more points for you Jaanwar...

We men have a special bond with our mothers and when something happens in a joint family between our wife and mother, where the mother is on the wrong side, most of us men cannot see the wrongdoings of our mothers. It's like we go blind and cant see/accept that mother is doing anything wrong. And then those who do see that, don't/can't do anything about it. Again it's that special bond or whatever you wanna call it. Your relationships hurt as a result and that is not in favour of anybody.

And the other point is that you feel very strongly about not moving out .... as if moving out equals to "abandoning your parents", "not being manly", "giving in to wifey's insecure wishes at the expense of parents" etc etc!!

Believe me, without you understanding the above two points, you will never be able to understand where these counter-arguments are coming from.

I believe there is not one ideal solution for every situation. It varies for everyone.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

w3rd to sara.

I want to live with my parents forever. I want to take care of them, repay the debt of life and so on. The trouble arises when both partners have similar sensibilities. Are you saying that the responsibility of a man towards his parents is over and beyond that of a woman? What about the cases in which a couple has only daughters- who in that case is to "look after" them?

I think the close proximity to both in an independent home is the best solution to everyones problems.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

I think it's absolutly fine to move out and buy your own home when you get married and start your own family. Women are expected to leave there family no matter what...even if her parents are elderly or ill. But she makes this sacrifice in order to be with her husband and support him and start a new life therefore, men should do the same. More importantly i think parents should understand this and not feels neglected or abandoned....they should mentally prepare for this from the day their baby boy is born just like parents do when they have a baby girl.

My brother is 30 and at the age where he should get married but my mum doesn't want him to get married until he buys a house/flat first so that he can provide the space and privacy for his wife and so that their marriage is alot happier from the word go..just like my husband did for me.

One other thing, i feel my relationship with my inlaws is a lot more stronger and friendlier than the relationship of my sis-in laws who live with them...i believe this is because we don't live together and don't get in each others way. The fact that my relationship is good with my in laws makes my husband very happy.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

okay so if a couple (lets say couple S) have 8 kids, which kid stays with them?
do multiple kids stay with them? (lets say Kid M and kid N decide to stay there with their families)
now there is a possibility that the original couple (A) may still be alive when the kids (W,X, Y and Z) of M and of N are marriage age, do they stay at this house as well since their parents are there.

okay and how is it decided who lives with them? and who does not? lets say everyone wants to live with them?

Just trying to figure out the logistics

The Jail game
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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

It's quite alright to live in a joint family system. Sometimes it's a logistics issue more than an emotional one....such as space. This happens a lot, where the family grows and there aren't enough rooms or bathrooms and then it's not always possible to renovate the house or buy a huge home to accomodate everyone. This is a very real issue. It has nothing to do with abandoning anyone.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

X2 :smack:

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

why do u keep copying what I say..

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

:omg:

X2 is not too busy at work today.

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Re: Post marriage independence, privacy or abandoning your parents?

Why do keep saying things just before I say them :emmy: