Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
been there done that, he doesnt understand what im talking about or hes showing it, but he doesnt acknowledge it. And im worrying about this "aloofness".
I seriously wish i could get a guys point of view on this, maybe im missing something/.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
How about this you define what I am. I am 27 and I have lived in 7 countries for longer than 3 years each including Pakistan. That being the case, I have spent my formative years in Switzerland and the US (17 till 25). In that regard I have a rather convoluted (from the typical Pakistani view point) desire in a woman.
I would prefer personally a girl who has lived abroad extensively but still understands the importance of religion and cultural traditions. Work is a non-issue. She wants to work she can work - do whatever she well pleases. As long as there is an understanding that if or when kids are born it would be expected that she take a break to take care of them. I don't believe in kids being taken care off by the nanny.
The one thing I have realised with Paki women is that they don't want the western life style. They just don't want a guy telling them they can't have it.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
He seriously laughs it off. Sometimes he just sits there and he'll try, hes a sweet guy, its just what am I supposed tosay? wish we joked around a bit more? its not the desi, english issue. im really desi other than teh language which i speak perfectly aswell. Its the overall u know; express myself. And well, enjoying differnt kinds of things, talking about stuff for example: we talk about different kinds of things, and I get teh feeling maybe he wouldve wanted a more paki kind of girl whose into the things paki girls are into; cause the truth is, maybe since hes been acting aloof, i ve been noticing that i feel like ive missed out on the companionship that i wouldve gotten had it been a guy from here. anyhow, astaghfirullah, but truth is, desi guy speaking english, talking about stuff i talk about, grew up on the same stuff, joke and understand, caught myself suddenly noticing them :( it sucks.
Its the "what if" factor. Truth is that even if you had married a western bred boy 10 years ago, your relationship would have probably settled into an unexciting phase by now anyway, it takes 2 people to revive the relationship ball and keep it bouncing!
For some reason, your comments have struck a chord with me, I don't really know why, but I am quite saddened by your situation.
You know, talk to your husband about this, he sounds like a nice man. Tell him how you feel. Come to an agreement to spend time together, say 1 day a month, doing what you want (SNOWBOARDING!), then the next month spend a day doing an activity that he likes.
I can totally understand how he feels happy and liberated spending time with his friends, bcos I feel the same when I spend time with mine, and I expect that my husband feels free on his boys nights out too. The thing is sometimes you have to ESCAPE from being bound to eachother all the time, its quite refreshing.
Have some me time.
Now I think I have totally missed the point about companionship, but never mind!
Chicklit,
I'm not a guy, but I'm going to try my best to analyze this situation. I will agree...that YES....there are cultural differences in communication between desis who have been brought up in Pakistan and those that have been brought up in the West. And you made a very good point about differences in humor...because each culture's language has it unique nuances. And while there are differences in culture.....there can also be DIFFERENCES in personality between people of the same culture brought up in the same country.
You mentioned in one of your previous posts that your husband is "super sweet"....and that's a great thing because you're making the effort to acknowledge the positive in him. Often times, when we focus only on the differences (which we do subconsciously), we further enhance the distance between us and the other person. The imam at our local Masjid once said that focusing on similarities is what helps to bridge gaps in people (even among people whose religious and cultural beliefs are different). A professor in my class would once use an icebreaker activities that focused on similarities between strangers in the classroom to bring together a sense of cohesiveness.
^Anyhow, before I get way off track.....what are the similarities between you and your husband? There will be differences between all people (even siblings)...but....Ponder over the similarities....focus on them....(hobbies, interests, goals, dreams for the future, food, certain habits, etc)...and use the similarities to establish a connection.
About companionship.....we get so bogged down by life's chores, that sometimes we just need to take a break. You said there is a difference between humor and language interpretation. So, why not get to learn each others culture? Explore it...together. As corny as it sounds, watch a desi movie together. Ask him to explain the humor/situation to you. When your husband sees that you're making the effort to get to know him and understand him.....he'll be more motivated to get to learn about you as well. It doesn't even have to be movies, it could be books/literature/music.
Similarly when watching an English comedy or program....explain things that he doesn't understand. IN FACT........don't wait for him to ask for an interpretation. Just tell him about the comedy scene....as a means of starting a conversation. He'll feel like you want him to be a part of your world. You know what is the BEST **way of learning the intricacies of language and culture? **EXPOSURE and INTERACTION. These two things are what help develop an understanding of a foreign culture/language.
Some people are more social/romantic/spontaneous than others. And with some people you have to make the effort to bring that side out of them. It's like encouraging them. Consider taking the initiative of doing sweet things for your husband. Surprise him by cooking his favorite dishes. Buy him a shirt that looks good on him. Rent a movie that he's interested in seeing and watch it together. Reach for his hand when you go shopping. Go see a concert together. Go to a theme park together. Ride the roller coasters. Try cooking a new recipe together. First, try desi recipes. And then try making non-desi recipes. Teach him how to snowboard. NONE OF THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY. It's a gradual process, but you have to start somewhere. I've heard, read, and been told by my married friends that men like to feel "needed". Make the effort to involve him in your activities. And he'll feel like you need him, and appreciate him. And inshAllah he'll feel encouraged to open up to you. Involve him in your cultural activities/hobbies and he'll involve you in his. Teach him...and he'll teach you. Be open to learn from him....and he'll learn from you. Reach out for him....and he'll feel encouraged to reach out for you. Flirt with him. Praise him. Tell him he looks handsome or that' he's smart.....and he'll feel motivated to open up and reciprocate.
About the companionship part....what is companionship without communication. Men aren't mind-readers. You can analyze his behavior and intentions from all sorts of angles, but in the end **only he **knows what he truly feels. Maybe for some reason, he feels hesitant in discussing issues with you. Often times, we don't know what the other person is thinking about us, we may not be aware that perhaps they assume we don't like them, or that we're mad at them, etc. What if your husband feels that you're unsatisfied with him and he feels insecure about approaching the topic? I'm not saying that this is definitely how he feels. Talk to him about your concerns and ask him how he's feeling. There have been many times that I've hesitated opening up to others thinking they don't' like me. And other times, people have assumed I don't like them when that may not be true at all. So, communicate your problems and issues with him. He can provide you with direct answers whereas we on GS can only guess what he's thinking.
^ And one of the worst mistakes people can make with verbal communication is to ask one-answer questions such as "Is chicken okay for dinner today?" or "How was your day?"
Conversation will go nowhere if the only response you're getting is "No" ** or "Yes"** or "I don't know" or "Fine." Ask questions that show an interest in the other person. Questions what will force a person to go beyond a one-word answer. Make your questions silly. Make your questions creative. Make your questions fun. Think outside the box.
This may seem like a silly idea.....but I used to assign journal writing topics to my students. And unlike most teachers, I kept my journal questions open-ended and fun...it motivated my students to talk, open up....even the shy ones. And my questions were random such as, "If you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" or "If you had to pick one season to last for the whole year, what would it be?"
^ It may seem silly.....but when I'm bored, sometimes I'll fire such random question to my friends and cousins.....and it works! It's fun. It makes you laugh, relax, open up, be yourself, start a conversation. Fun interactions don't necessarily have to take place out of the home....they can happen under the comfort of your roof.
I apologize for the long post. But I'm hoping that it can help you.
we are doing a huge favor 
kher on serious note…it is not just about who is doing the work…it is about realizing the importance of any/every work.
Just encourage everone for thair rational and productive work done.
janwar chacha if u really want ur wife to sit at home. then rather you putting restrictions and commanding her to do this or to that. and making her think that she really is your slave where in retaliation she makes ur life not just miserable, but HELL.
its good to understand the importance of this relationship and with mutual cooperation and trust, give her the chance to work.
i am sure she will soon understand that u and her home is suppose to be her first and foremost priority.
lol…one of brother did the same. and my SIL left the job like in four days.
But u need to invest some time…otherwise she will be wasting her time and brain in comparing HER lifestyle with her co-housewives.
k is ki jooti zayda mhengi hai, o isk husbaand nay is ko heeray ki ring di hai :p…or if u r super-rich then she might starts some charity org…and getting pictures done of some event for kid of third-world countries 
…cuz the fact is u cant be with her 24/7
so if no work, then partying is must (depending on YOUR social circle)
Marriage to someone from your culture, but your not actually from that culture since you arent born in Pakistan...But ....he is....
Its such a huge difference, in all the small things that start to pile up over the years, and now I really think the greatest defect is the communication.
My urdu is fine, but I think in English, hence, I joke in it, etc.
He's thinking in urdu.
We grew up in different places with different points of view, but its been awhile, and..Im not feeling so compromising anymore. I think the root is the communication factor. I dont feel like we are on the same plane.
I just want a guys point of view, if there are any guys who are born raised in Pak and married someone born raised out of pk, whats your take on your relationship? What is it about your wife that you feel you would want to, I dont know, I dont want to use the word change, but, u know, the indifference u feel? thanks.
1) it depends on the person, pakistani guys vary quite significantly from very conservative to very liberal. it often is dependent on socioeconomic groups as well but not always.
2)The questin also is are they liberal for themselves but not for their wife. hypocrits u know. then its not a question of cultural gap as much as the issue of teh dude being a jacque arse
3) and then its a question of how much someone can adapt. for example look at pakistani guys who came to us as undergrads from the same city, same area and same school in Pakistan and then take a look a few years later how they have adapted to it.
4) lastly, how much is the cultural gap, and also how much will the girl adapt as well
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
thanx everyone for the advice especially Redvelvet, cm and rupayhalwa. Im taking it too, ur rite that i wont do things that he often asks just because of my own reservations. Its not the ten year time frame, I think its my setting too many irrelevant limits. Anyhow, he sent me an email with some smilie thingys so its a sign hes melting ;) and hes gone out of town so: distance makes the heart grow fonder, wahtever. Aside from the fact I just like seeing him happy (when hes smiling his dimples are to die for) I just wish guys were more self expressive. E.g:In this thread i didnt get one real pk guy candidate to respond, i mean, really.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
^ No need to thank. You're more than welcome :)
Guys can struggle with communication....with women, lol. But it's hard to tell on GS if a member is a male or a female based on their screen nammes/nicks. Some of the people who responded to this thread are male. Examples: X2, Jaanwar, Punchingmonk. We all have our own unique interpretation of situations, writing styles, and way of approaching issues.
Glad you feel better though :) And best wishes.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
thanx everyone for the advice especially Redvelvet, cm and rupayhalwa. Im taking it too, ur rite that i wont do things that he often asks just because of my own reservations. Its not the ten year time frame, I think its my setting too many irrelevant limits. Anyhow, he sent me an email with some smilie thingys so its a sign hes melting ;) and hes gone out of town so: distance makes the heart grow fonder, wahtever. Aside from the fact I just like seeing him happy (when hes smiling his dimples are to die for) I just wish guys were more self expressive. E.g:In this thread i didnt get one real pk guy candidate to respond, i mean, really.
LOL at "dimples"! Hope things continue to improve for you both.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
CM is right to an extent.
On the other hand. me wants a paki-boi. Cause they are simple and nice and innocent dear. Also I can tell them to clean my kitchen, feed my kids and iron my clothes whilst I hang out iwth my chums and they will be happy because they love me.
What I just said above is undisputed fact.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
This may seem off topic and not-so-mature, but **CHicKLit, **is your husband an Aquarian?
On a serious note: Some people (both, male and female) are naturally aloof because they don't want any sort of emotional dependency with their spouse (weird, but happens), whereas with friends they can just have fun without worrying too much about these things. YES, it does seem irrational, but I have seen in happen a couple of times.
He maybe acting aloof because he might be re-evaluating some issues that he is not ready to share, or simply doesn't want to (yes, men do that, macho-ness and what not). Sometimes distance increase, as crazy as it may sound, when a couple has not had seen eachother through really bad times (mistakes, fights, irrational requests) and when they are very cautious with eachother. It just makes a relationship very formal and boring, and I feel this is what's happening here.
I remember you mentioned somewhere that neither of you like to raise you voices, which is ofcourse a good thing, but 10 years into a marriage and still such reservations?? Maybe you guys needs to loosen up a bit.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
yeah ofcourse. jst a lil advice for u buy him sum urdu to english dictionaries. might help! good luck!
dictionaries wont help in this case.
I am not married but i will make an attempt at answering this question from the communication point of view.
I had always been a jolly fellow. and i have always been friendly too.
I was born in Pakistan but went to the USA for college. and for some reason i acquired their sense of humor. i can joke in urdu too, but i am at my wittiest best when i am talking in English. its so much fun because you can twist and turn the words and make them funny. people in the United States like that. people here in Pakistan dont like that. i think the one reason for them not liking that is that they dont understand them. and that is where the communication gap comes.
I have to deal with it day in and day out. so i can understand what the OP is going through.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
dictionaries wont help in this case. I am not married but i will make an attempt at answering this question from the communication point of view. I had always been a jolly fellow. and i have always been friendly too. I was born in Pakistan but went to the USA for college. and for some reason i acquired their sense of humor. i can joke in urdu too, but i am at my wittiest best when i am talking in English. its so much fun because you can twist and turn the words and make them funny. people in the United States like that. people here in Pakistan dont like that. i think the one reason for them not liking that is that they dont understand them. and that is where the communication gap comes.
I have to deal with it day in and day out. so i can understand what the OP is going through.
You are the first guy to respond, I AM NOT LETTING YOU GET AWAY THAT EASY!! :)
Unfortunately,you seem to be on my side of the boat, and i wanted teh other side's point of view....but no thankful for ur response.
SO, I totally agree with that, on the humor part. Since we are on the same plane, dont you feel like guys in pk have a bit more of a reserved personality, call it ego or wahtever? I mean its attractive at first, but then doesnt it create barriers? takes them longer to learn or adapt which in turn isnt so wonderful for them personally> no offense intended pk guys.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
You are the first guy to respond, I AM NOT LETTING YOU GET AWAY THAT EASY!! :)
Unfortunately,you seem to be on my side of the boat, and i wanted teh other side's point of view....but no thankful for ur response.
SO, I totally agree with that, on the humor part. Since we are on the same plane, dont you feel like guys in pk have a bit more of a reserved personality, call it ego or wahtever? I mean its attractive at first, but then doesnt it create barriers? takes them longer to learn or adapt which in turn isnt so wonderful for them personally> no offense intended pk guys.
I am sorry for replying so late. i am not one of the most regular people on this site.
I have discussed a lot about this in these forums. you are right on it to some extent. but it is not about the guys only. women here are reserved too. In general our society shuns people who are open and candid. that is so the opposite of what will happen in the western societies. Women here tend to like men who are, sorry to say, assholes. and that is the reason why they find assholes, and then they later complain about it. they dont like down-to-earth, easy going guys.
i have often been told that i am very non-serious. yes, i am funny and usually dont take much stress about things. but i do have goals and i have always achieved my goals. and at the present the position that i am serving in has not come to me because i am non-serious; it is because i am serious about what i want to achieve.
there are various factors behind it, in my view, for people to be boorish and serious all the time. our social strcucture does not give us much to laugh about. the majority of the people dont get food and shelter and that has taken their smiles away. they remain serious faced all the time.
that is where evolution kicks in. we have evolved in such a way that we think if we remain serious faced, we will survive. thus we equate "being serious about our goals" to being "serious faced." that is just my theory.
Re: Pk guys who married "foreign" born&bred: pls comment
im born in pak.. but i think mostly in english.. even sometimes in my dreams
Re: Pk guys who married “foreign” born&bred: pls comment
That’s so old school, I used to do that with my dad 
nowadays its all about direct deposit. 
I dont want to screw it by asking him. You know, if theres someone out there whos been married for more than 10 yrs, speak to me. I have little kids. I cant differentiate between is it me working up stuff in my head or is there really a problem? And.. there definitely is something, aside from his being distant its "us". I keep getting these ideas that im young and could be remarried tommorrow, but it'll crush the kids. the truth is, im trying at something that im scared is withering away. and if i do ask, and if there is something or someone then? i cant risk it, and it'll just be crap if im asking, and theres nothing. I sound so baffled...
The one thing I have realised with Paki women is that they don't want the western life style. They just don't want a guy telling them they can't have it.
I disagree with the first part of the statment but I agree with the last part. Conundrum, yes.
