Re: Physical Involvement
There are all kinds of people out there and maybe most of them will look at it like you do: it is about trust. But there are many that look at it as a chip in the game to be cashed out later. And it is not always easy to know what kind of person you are dealing with is so early in the process. There is no harm in being cautious.
Re: Physical Involvement
One shouldn’t disclose what ALLAH swt have concealed.. Whatever has happened in past, the only solution is to repent sincerely n never do that again.. Telling ur spouse about such stuff would ruin your life instead of building trust…
Re: Physical Involvement
this is such self-serving logic..Allah isn’t concealing anything, it’s the sinner trying to conceal it..but going with your logic, what if Allah decides to reveal it later at some point, lets say after marriage…then?
Re: Physical Involvement
LOL
Re: Physical Involvement
And as Lata sang..“parda nahin jab koi khuda se..bando se pardaa karnaa kyaa…”
Re: Physical Involvement
people here would rather turn a blind eye than to deal with circumstances. What if your husband cheats? Would you rather have him keep it a secret and come home and play happy fackin family with you while at work he bangs his assistant? Wouldn’t you feel betrayed? Wouldn’t you feel used? Oh yes, just turn a blind eye and say its between him and Allah. I would rather have him come clean, apologize, deal with the circumstances than to hide away like a coward.
Re: Physical Involvement
Both he and I are divorced and through the course of our life have met numerous people for marriage purposes. For me to expect him to never have spoken to a girl or had any relationships or interactions is not just naive but its setting him up for failure.
My MIL said something to me right after I got married that stuck with me.
She said “Don’t ask him anything about his past and don’t volunteer anything about yours…I’ve already spoken to him and he won’t ask you anything either”. And he never did. Not once.
Simple advice but its brilliant. Often times, people focus SO much on what this person has done in the past that they forget their purpose…their FUTURE.
I actually know women who have sleepless nights after finding out about something in their husband’s past (because they went digging) and now cannot get over it. Its ruined their marriage because these women hang it over their husbands’ heads like it defines their character. It doesn’t…when Allah swt forgives I am not sure who people think they are to challenge that.
No, I don’t think its necessary that a guy or girl tell their future spouse every little sordid mistake they might have made in life. Its the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of…unless your mistake will impact your spouse and future…zip it. Make a promise to yourself that you will make your future bright and prove to be a great spouse.
No, its not deception either. Its not their past you’re marrying…its their future. Your future.
Is it a big accomplishment to be “pure” by the time you’re married? Meh…I don’t think so. Sure for some it may be but its easy to stay away from haraam things considering our lifestyles. If you lived in the Devil’s Den I’d really consider that a feat of self control but come on…not like you’ve got strippers around 24/7 and out of pure masoomiyat you walk around with horse blinds on.
Re: Physical Involvement
That is different. Cheating is real deception. A past is none of your business.
Re: Physical Involvement
And lying about your sleeping hx when asked is not deception?
Re: Physical Involvement
He has a choice…he does not have to tell you about anything he did before you became his wife. He has absolutely NO obligation to tell you about any flings or past before you are husband and wife. What happened before “I DO” is none of your business and you have no right to hold him responsible for it. He was a free man to do as he wishes.
Deception would be lying to you about anything he does after he met you or you became his wife. Deception would be lying about something that will directly impact you like a prior marriage that had kids or an STD or a lawsuit, etc.
Re: Physical Involvement
If both husband and wife don’t ask each other their past then this is perfect advice. Its ideal. And both you clearly had a past due to previous marriage so there is absolutely no need to delve into each others past. It was perfect for you two. Unfortunately in real world, most people who aren’t divorced will ask the guy or girl their past.
My friends sisters ristha was broken up when the girls side found out through their own investigation that the guy was previously having a relationship and living with a divorced woman. It’s often looked at both from guys side and girls side–that’s the real world.
Re: Physical Involvement
so essentially, you are saying I have no right to know whether my soon to be muslim wife was lets say an ex-prostitue. I wonder how many girls and guys lie in this rishta process.
Re: Physical Involvement
If lies, deception and turning a blind eye help you sleep better at night then have at it hoss. Its none of my business. If the truth comes out one day, then you would wish you had known before.
Re: Physical Involvement
I’m sure a good portion do
Re: Physical Involvement
Why do you people always think in extremes? Are any of your friends ex-prostitutes? Are any of the people you know ex-prostitutes? It sounds very low class when all of a sudden people are either ex-prostitutes or Virgin Mary’s and not common people just like you and I.
Do you not sin? Are you sinless? Can you provide a cert saying you’ve got a special door to Jannah waiting for you due to your piety and need someone of equal caliber?
**Islam teaches us that no matter how ugly a person’s past is, it must never be used against him/her. Bottom line.
**If you don’t like that then you have issues with Islam…not someone’s past. Plus…I will have to look this up but from what I remember (years ago) a Maulana actually told me that its prohibited to speak of one’s past sins.
Re: Physical Involvement
Nobody is sinless. My point is if that person truly loves you, he would forgive you and look past you. Otherwise he would not marry you to begin with and thats a good thing. Because if he later finds out that she slept with the whole neighborhood (or one person - does it make a difference? no) after having 2.5 kids, he would leave you anyway.
Point is not about using the truth against someone. But about establishing trust and looking past it.
Even white chicks don’t straight up lie. They might not go into detail or they might tone down # of people who they have slept with but they won’t claim they virgin freakin mary.
Brown girls are scaring me more and more now
Re: Physical Involvement
Its not brown girls you should be scared of…its Islam then.
Islam teaches that we must confess our sins to Allah and Allah alone. By disclosing our sins to humans we are lifting the cover that Allah has placed over them.
Establishing trust is based on how someone is with you when they are with you…not how they were 5 years ago when they were naive and stupid.
Maybe marrying a gori is a good idea for you then?
Re: Physical Involvement
yes looks like it. At least I would know what I am getting into. Here, every bad deed is between you and Allah. Keep committing sin and keep it to yourself and Allah and hope hubby doesn’t find out
Re: Physical Involvement
Totally agree…being born Muslim is easy…but actually *being *a Muslim is harder. Not for everyone.
Re: Physical Involvement
good for you for being such an awesome Muslim