So what you are suggesting is that one should hide it from his/her spouse?
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Honestly… u shouldn’t. Whats in ur past is in ur past… when u build a relationship u build it on future goals/compatibility. I don’t see how knowledge of past relationships/physical intimacy would matter enough to be brought up.
I think OYMWA is right… if Allah has covered ur sin (which is a mercy from Him), then why advertise it?
Re: Physical Involvement
If you realize it as sin, then yes. The only condition under which you let the spouse know is if you contracted some sort of STD. Otherwise keep it between you and Allah and repent; maybe He will forgive you
Re: Physical Involvement
If I had boned some chick in the past and if my future wife wishes to know, I would tell her. Relationship should be based on trust. If she could accept me for who I am, its good, if not, then no point deluding yourself in deceitful relationship.
Re: Physical Involvement
Understand where you are coming from. When she insists on knowing, you want to ask yourselves this: if you confide in her, will it strengthen or shatter her trust in you?
Re: Physical Involvement
if you don’t tel her the truth, it won’t be a trusting relationship at all. If you believe that she really likes you and think you are sincere to her, yea she will throw a hissy fit and will get past it. If not, she wasn’t right for you anyways
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What if spouse finds out later in the marriage about some past incident. These things do not remain hidden forever and the lost trust is difficult to gain again.
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Well not all guys and gals who have their heads screwed on straight.
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If she throws a hissy fit, you will know then and there. Fine. If she doesn’t, you will not know till she throws one later. Maybe a few years later, maybe after you have kids. The thing is, once that info is out there, you cannot take it back. So before you let that info out you want to consider these things.
Re: Physical Involvement
it was just my personal opinion. I don’t believe secrets are healthy for a relationship.
Re: Physical Involvement
idk, i might be going off-topic here .. but it just makes me wonder…is it the same with guys?
i am speaking for myself …if my so or the person who i am getting married ot or whatever - has been physical with someone in the past ..part of it would bug me but i wouldn’t sweat over it. whatever happened happened in the past…
how is it with guys…would you wanna know about your girls past??? and how involved she must have been with someone..
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well I would like to know and I would like her to know about my past too. If I have been around before marriage, then I won’t expect a girl to be virgin mary or at least I don’t deserve a virgin mary. But If I saved myself for her, then she better too assuming we are talking about arranged marriage route. ( But I met her at work/school, unexpectedly fell in love then I don’t care .. i would be blind in love eh?).
gosh I am too drunk
Re: Physical Involvement
get a room, you two
Re: Physical Involvement
Be careful, buddy. Think before you talk.
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Pre-marital sex is like very common. The overall percentage of people in my halqa-e-ehbaab who have practiced this is really astonishing. For crying out loud, Islamic Republic of Pakistan is the main exporter of sex gears etc. What can we say times are changing and so are we…!!
Re: Physical Involvement
Starting off with hiding and lying is a terrible way to set the foundation of ANY relationship, let alone marriage. Purposefullly hiding is the same thing as lying, both are forms of deceit.
We all make mistakes, every one of us has committed sins in one way or another. However, we need to learn from those mistakes and change accordingly to not make the same mistakes again. When someone openly admits to their mistakes and vows to not make same mistakes again–that is much more admirable than someone purposefully hiding his or her mistakes just to paint themselves in a nicer way to another person. Someone who is always actively trying to show theyre perfect or decent to others is likely over compensating for something and should be wary of them. I will take a genuine person who realizes his/her mistakes over a person who isn’t genuine but has a clean record.
Honestly, I’d rather have my future wife know upfront and get pissed at me and throw a hissy fit than hiding it from her for the rest of my life or having her find out from others which breaks trust. Telling someone upfront about your own mistakes is very painful and uncomfortable convo but it actually builds trust going forward while hiding and lying errodes trust. Without trust, there is no relationship.
Don’t judge a person on his/her 1 or 2 past transgressions per say, base it on the trend of his or her behavior and personality and character. If it’s part of their character and personality that may be a bigger issue than if someone just made 1 mistake in the past. Look for trends in behavior, not 1 time mistakes.
If the condition of ur spouse is to know everything about ur past before u marry… and u hide it anyway, fine. Ur fault…huge trust issues here. Should have found someone else. But if u just start listing ur ex’es and escapades unprovoked, like OYMWA said.. u put that info out there urself and it can be used however later on… u won’t be able to take it back.
One of my very close friends told her husband before marriage that she liked someone and strongly pursued him for marriage, they had a relationship for a few years but it didn’t work out… husband agreed to marry her, they’re good.. have 2 kids. Yet hes brought it up in fights 1-2 times… he feels bad abt it later and apologizes, and obvs he loves and trusts his wife. But he never had ex’es/affairs.. no gf’s nothing.. it bothers him abt his wife…that one thing bothers him tho, enough to stay in his mind even after 8 ywars of marriage. She put it out there herself.. had she not, maybe it would be different.
If ur looking at behavior trends, again, then that one time transgression shouldn’t matter enough to be told to the other person. If i know i’m a good person, i continue to be good vowing not to make that mistake. Ur saying someone who does that os ‘fake’ whereas the one who confesses everything is better? It’s between that person and Allah. It’s a personal sin. Confession doesn’t prove anything cos like u said… behavior trends matter. Not one time incidents.
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Difficult to say right now, I’ll decide when I need to make a decision but I will check whether she has moved on or her mind and soul are still with the other guy. I may accept her if she admits her past and is ready to start afresh.
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Yeah don’t tell every single prospect about past and no need to tell if they don’t ask or care. But for those that do care, tell the person once you trust them and you know they won’t do you wrong by hurting your reputation. But don’t lie or hide if they ask you straight up. If my future fiance asked me to tell her about my past, I would tell her. I wouldn’t be asking her for forgiveness that’s between me and Allah, but I would want her to know so that it doesn’t break trust in the future if she finds out after marriage. Trust me, stuff often comes out in the open at some point better to be upfront about it to significant other. It takes years and years to build a true relationship but only seconds to destroy it. And to hide 1 lie, it takes several more lies, just a bad habit to have in a relationship. Not worth the risk for me.
In your story about your friend, your friend she did the right thing, it’s the husband doing wrong by constantly bringing it up during fights. People get emotional during fights and when a person is emotional it’s sometimes difficult to be rational at that time and we all have said stupid stuff during fights that we don’t necessarily mean. We often use whatever ammunition we have in fights, and I’m sure both of them do say things they don’t necessarily mean during those heated fights. Unfortunately he chooses to rub her past in her face to make her feel bad or guilty during heated arguments–its wrong he does that. He feels bad about it afterwards when he is in a more rational state of mind and I hope he apologizes for his mistakes. I’m not saying it’s right and neither am I condoning it, but I can understand the situation.
Re: Physical Involvement
The only problem with secrets is that they don’t remain secret forever, otherwise your solution is acceptable.