Re: Physical abuse possible?
I talked to my phupho, I was strongly feeling the need to talk to somebody in my family as they would have the same value system and same standards...she agreed he was impatient and aggressive, but she said it isn't anything incurable in her opinion. She said I've been behaving too meekly and I need to take a stand otherwise it will be difficult later on.
She did raise an eyebrow on hitting his sisters/mother but when I told her ami abu know about it and they din't say anything she was quiet, however she said I should discuss it with them once. And also that I should tell my parents about the fights we were having so that if later on it becomes a big issue they should know we were having some troubles otherwise all the frustration would come out at me.
So I've decided to give it one more go. Everybody deserves a second chance, and like DC said, humans aren't maths equations we can't judge them just like that. Yes I agree hitting one's sisters or mother is not acceptable, but as I said its not a habit, its not like he does it every week or every day, he did it once in a lifetime. And I can think of a plenty of things that I do with my family and my parents that I would never do with him and he could judge me the same way too. Secondly, it is possible that my in-laws were exaggerating in the first place.
And you forget, he's my cousin. If I was engaged to somebody from outside whom I din't know, I would've probably run without even giving a second thought. Another thing which kept bothering me was the fact that I had done istkhara when my mom fixed the rishta, we weren't engaged until about three months after that. So I had that time to force them out of it even though they did so without asking me. But I was totally satisfied after istkhara.
I've decided to talk to him face-to-face about this issue specifically, either his response and reaction will satisfy me, or it will create more doubts.
I still have an year before the wedding, and I'm keeping my eyes more open now. Also I wasn't talking about the lovey-dovey thing, I know life cannot be spent alone on love. But what I meant was he's been caring and respectful to me.
I haven't spoken to my parents about it yet, but I will inshAllah talk to them too in some time.
Meanwhile, Im trying to change my behavior a bit too, as my phupho suggests. And I think she's right, I've been too much of a "Allah miyan's gaey", I need to be stronger, there's a limit to compromise and we're not even married yet.
So let's hope, things will improve InshAllah!
Inspite of what everybody here said, deep inside my heart I did not want to leave him. On the outside I was boiling with anger, I was even thinking of leaving him I was hating him...but deep inside I could not think of leaving him, as opposed to what a lot of people were saying here. So everything was confusing me.
As for the jahez issue. that's sort of complicated too. That's my parent's concern, I told them already and its upto them to deal with it. They can decide if they want to end it.
I was not making excuses, I was confused. I could not decide what to do.
Paheli00: Maybe I'm just weird, but that story din't scare me out of my wits. lol :D
To all my friends, your support and advice means a lot to me, I cannot thank you all enough for supporting me. I know that if at any time I will decide to quit from this relationship, I will not be alone :) Thank you so much <3
First, the most important life lesson you will ever learn: no one changes. And men, they least of all change. I don't mean it in a bad way, but when people say "oh woh shadi kay baad biwi kay asar say badal jaye ga", that is the biggest lie and bull that has ever been concocted. One can learn to hide things, one can learn to keep their mouth shut. But what a person is, they will remain that.
Second, you will always be an Allah ki gaye. And you know what will happen? A couple of years later, when you have your first child, you will come back here, start another thread with another nick, and basically say that my husband has been abusing me and is being mean to me, and he doesn't care that his mother or sister or our child is in front of us, he still raises his voice/hand at me. You're not being weird. You're just being a statistic. That is another reality you need to accept.
Third, knowing that he is family, that should be another reason for you to back off. Rishtay family main shadi karnay say strong nahi ban jatay. They get complicated even more. And sometimes they become easier to break than a spider thread. Koi kisi ka laihaaz nahin karta jab logon ki zabanain chalna shuro ho jaati hain. No one cares that you were their khala/chachi/phupi's beti. All they care is that you're another person married to their son/cousin/bhai etc. What they will say, keh zaroor is nay kuch kiya ho ga tabhi larkay ko ghussa aya ho ga. And the reality is, everyone knew about the behavior beforehand, but that is a distant, almost an amnesic memory.
Right now is almost a honeymoon period for you, that's why it's all rainbows and butterflies. But it will end. Sooner than later, and then you will wonder why didn't you act then when there was still a chance. There is still a chance. Take it. Do not for the love of God be another statistic. You're right now behaving exactly like anyone who is in an abusive relationship. The abuse may not be directed towards you right now but it will soon enough.
However, if you do want to do what you want, and ignore the advice of so many others who have been through your situation, then sorry to say, you're being a bit naive and foolish.
