Its just that inspite of all this I've spent a great deal of good time with him too...and when I remember his love, intense love at that, my decision wavers. Yes I've experienced his anger issues since day one we started to talk, but alongside that we've had good memories too...
And then there is this fear inside me that the next person could be worse than this, how would I know?
And then im afraid if I talk to my parents the first thing they would want to do is, atleast go and try to make up once...talk to his parents ky yeh aisay kerta hai isay samjhaien and he's going to get mad at me for talking to anybody about our problems.
And then i fear how he is going to react if I really end it
And then im afraid of my parents and my family
And then im just so confused...
Because you cant really understand how people can kill you with their tongues and eyes until you live here...even I never realized how you can destroy a person with your words until I lived here. This is something pakistanis master!
Besides, family is not the “only” thing that worries me…there are other things too as I mentioned. And I think the biggest problem is with me, Im so attached with him now that I cant even sleep without him, I cannot imagine how I will live my life without him…
I can assure you: Pakistanis living abroad have retained those "skills" too. Unfortunately.
But some of them get reformed, besides you get to interact with a lot more other people than pakistanis, so the amount of those skilled people gets considerably diluted in your social circle. While living here you're in a 100% concentrated population of them!
best_friend - you only get one life, and it is entirely upto you as to how you want to live it. If you want to live a life that might be full of emotional and physical abuse and constant stresses with (maybe) love coming in small doses, that is your decision. If you want to live in fear of what others will say or think, again your decision. But do know that life has so much more to offer than just that, regardless of where you live. If you help yourself and take a stand, Allah will always be there for you. But if you wish to continue living like this, then please remember that you yourself will have been responsible for this decision and you will have to accept it with all its positives AND negatives. If, God forbid, down a few years you regret your decision, then know that it'll be much harder to turn back then than it is now. I hope you never have to regret whatever decision you make....but just remember that once you've made a decision, there won't be any point in complaining about it because you knew very well what you were stepping into.
Its just that inspite of all this I've spent a great deal of good time with him too...and when I remember his love, intense love at that, my decision wavers. Yes I've experienced his anger issues since day one we started to talk, but alongside that we've had good memories too...
And then there is this fear inside me that the next person could be worse than this, how would I know?
And then im afraid if I talk to my parents the first thing they would want to do is, atleast go and try to make up once...talk to his parents ky yeh aisay kerta hai isay samjhaien and he's going to get mad at me for talking to anybody about our problems.
And then i fear how he is going to react if I really end it
And then im afraid of my parents and my family
And then im just so confused...
YOU SAID IT.
You fear how he would react if you really ended it. Fear is the operative word.
Hunny talk to your parents and see what they say because you'll never know if you don't try.
You know deep in your heart that this is probably not the best match for you. The guy seems like a control freak - he's already told you that you won't be able to get out of this engagement that easily. Imagine what may happen after the wedding. For your own safety and that of any future children - reconsider.
You can forever live by other people's expectations thinking 'what may X,Y and Z think?' but in all of this, you'll be neglecting yourself and you'll never be happy. People will say what they want but at the end of the day people won't have to spend their life living miserably like you'll be. And if you think having a failed engagement is bad...then think about a divorced woman and how hard it is for her to face society - that may just make your decision slightly easier to make at this point.
At the end of the day, it's up to you whatever decision you make but in doing so, think logically and put all emotions to one side.
sorry to say but this is just ridiculous…you’re not even married to him…nor have you had a physical relationship with him…there is no reason to believe that you will not survive without him.
either you deal with the fear of “what will happen” with your parents for a short while or you deal with the fear of abuse for a life time…you’re choice.
Im so attached with him now that I cant even sleep without him, I cannot imagine how I will live my life without him...
Umm.....you don't sleep with him right now do you? And you'll live life without him just like you did your entire life BEFORE the rishta.
Like Muzna said already.....You've already been given a lot of advice on what a bad idea it is for you to marry this guy. Now it's upto you to decide what type of future you want. You can make life difficult temporarily for the next few months by breaking off the engagement.......OR you can deal with living with him for the next 40 years (and EVERYTHING that comes along with being a part of his family). Your choice.
Because you cant really understand how people can kill you with their tongues and eyes until you live here...even I never realized how you can destroy a person with your words until I lived here. This is something pakistanis master!
Yeah I obviously don't but I am familiar with how it can be. And again, I ask what is the worst that they can do to you? Do you think they will kill you?
I have no solution. except, parents can be mean and they can hurt too but in the end most of hte sane ones love hteir children and don't want them to be in harms way, and that usually includes not forcing their daughters to marry a bad person......and I don't think parents in Pakistan are any more heartless that they can easily do that.
i broke my engagement 2 year back. it was a forced engagement by my nana and all of my mom's family after my mom's death.. and everyone knew that i am not happy with this engagement and i dint have any interest in my x fiance.. after 7 months i cried my heart out in front of my only elder sister who is married in UK n i am in pakistan. and she said it is not fear with you and that guy too, so she convinced my father that she is not happy with this engagement. he den took stand for me n broke my engagement with that guy .. my mom's whole family were against me n they were telling everyone that i am not a good girl and i am in bad activities but only My ALLAH knew i was PAK.. after one year i was engagemnt with another guy n ALHUMDULLIAH on 16th august 2012 it was my nikkah with him... and my husband is the best husband in the world MAshaALLAH n i am very happy.. i am feeling like the most luck girl in the world Mashallah.. my sister use to tell me that its the reward of your sabar..
my personal opinion is to take you parents in your confident and talk to them.. thy will surly do what is best for you Inshallah.. n you will have a peaceful life inshallah...
Its just that inspite of all this I've spent a great deal of good time with him too...and when I remember his love, intense love at that, my decision wavers. Yes I've experienced his anger issues since day one we started to talk, but alongside that we've had good memories too...
And then there is this fear inside me that the next person could be worse than this, how would I know?
And then im afraid if I talk to my parents the first thing they would want to do is, atleast go and try to make up once...talk to his parents ky yeh aisay kerta hai isay samjhaien and he's going to get mad at me for talking to anybody about our problems.
And then i fear how he is going to react if I really end it
And then im afraid of my parents and my family
And then im just so confused...
If you are going to use the good memories to rationalize your stay then you will never be motivated to move on, because when you do that you are minimizing all the wrong he is doing and maximizing the good times in your mind. To me staying doesn't sound worth it, he has already given you a vivid exposure to what is in store for you. but nevertheless, keep a positive a outlook, believe Allah has something even better in store for you because you deserve better, and be brave, you are at a stage in which you can readily choose either option, if you change your mind again later on, it might not be as easy as today. You know yourself better than we know you, choose whatever makes you happier, but realize that the consequences of staying in this relationship like everybody else mentioned are very true and the circumstances will likely not change after marriage. The only person in this situation you have power over is yourself you can't change the others around you their reaction is for them to deal with that is not your responsibility. Take care.
I don't care how stressed out someone is, getting physically violent with his sisters and mother is inexcusable!!! Do you not see how this could easily be you one day?
And demanding jahez? It sounds like your worth is being based on how much you bring.
Too many red flags here for my liking. Sonch samaj ke aagay barna. Abhi bhi kuch nahi bigra hai. Nikkah/Shaadi ke baad kuch nahin karpaogi.
Exactly!!!!
Before I married my husband I judged him according to how he treated his sisters, and his mother...on how he talked about them...because that is how he will treat you in the future as well.
Given his temper....that's also a very scary situation! There have been plenty of cases where people snap and commit murder b/c their spouse threatens to leave them. Heck this happned to a family I knew personally! My dad has a very close friend who did this years ago. Pakistani guy married to gora woman....they had 2 boys. They were having marital problems and the woman told him that she was going to move in with her parents with the 2 boys. To make a long story short....the guy got a gun, shot and killed the 2 boys, and the killed himself. The woman found the 3 dead bodies in their house.
Whether or not you'll trust another man ever again is a matter for the future. It's a waste of time to worry about that. Right now, you need to deal with this man. As I said already.....if you don't stand up and fight for your own life.....don't expect him or anyone else to do it for you.
Good lord. What a pleasant story you've just shared there! I'm sure the OP feels much better now.
Though having said that the OP does have to stand up for herself and get rid of this scumbag.
Good lord. What a pleasant story you've just shared there! I'm sure the OP feels much better now.
Oh I have PLENTY of other stories to share too. Women like OP need to understand the dangers they're putting themselves (and their future children!) into when they choose to be with a man who clearly shows evidence that he doesn't have any control over his emotions and is willing to resort to physical violence. Many women such as the woman in my story learned the hard way when it was too late.
