Not directly, but my fiance told me that things were quite strained at one point and they were thinking of breaking the relationship off. Though she keeps saying hum ny khatam kerny ky liey nahi kia, hum kerna chahty hain torna nahi chahty. But MILs rarely speak honestly do they
Wow. Just wow.
Have you had your nikkah done with this guy? If not, then your "MIL" isn't really your mother in law. She is your relative. So you can't really say that this woman is going to lie to me just because she is a to-be relation. You've trusted her all along so far haven't you? So why should things change at all right now because you have a pseudo-relationship right now. And you're going to start a new relationship with bad intentions? Because that's what I see. Also didn't I read somewhere that the guy's sister came to you and told you how he's been treating them? Are you going to say that "SIL"s also lie always?
It's clear to see that right now you're just blinded in "love" and are willing to believe anything this guy tells you. He will tell you that he invented the wheel and the telephone, and you'll believe him blindly. Good luck to you in your future life lady.
Not directly, but my fiance told me that things were quite strained at one point and they were thinking of breaking the relationship off.
But wait.....haven't you caught your fiance lying to you also? So if he has already lied to you once....what makes you think he'll be honest this time?
Dont' forget that your fiance has something major to gain by lying to you (ie. you won't break off the engagement).
^I don't think there is anything more we can say to influence her, we've pretty much exhausted our advice, and we showed her the reality of her situation we really can't impose it on her. The feeling has to come from within her, doesn't sound like she is ready to call it quits.
I dint mean that he's a cousin so he's more trustworthy or it makes people talk less, what I meant was I've known him for a long time, not just these 8 months and not just as my fiance. And yes I know I'm not just going to lose my inlaws but the two families are going to break apart, thats one of the reasons I want to give this relationship a second chance.
Another reason was, I'm not giving him a chance and getting married to him right away. I've still got a whole year ahead of me. Im also going to talk to my parents about the physical abuse and see how they respond, I'm also going to talk to HIM about it and see how he responds. And I repeat, asking him will make the situation clear to me as to he really hit his sisters, or was it just my MIL making up stories.
What Im not doing is end the relationship right away and maybe later on regret that I did not try my best to keep it, Im just giving it some more time and see what happens.
Im not expecting him to change. I just want to be sure of whatever I decide. Yes I realize it was like honeymoon period right now, but I cannot convince my parents until Im sure myself. Im just buying more time to help me decide, Im putting myself in a neutral state-of-mind as opposed to earlier, when I was doing anything and everything to make the relationship work. Being neutral will help me see more clearly, and it will be clear to me what I should do. Yes I know the sooner Im out of it, easier it will be for me. But this is what I've decided for now. Wait and watch.
oh lordy. you are some other calm, patient, notafraidtoberepetitive and kind guppys' problem (coughpahelicough)
He disrespects his own mom and sisters and has physically assaulted them; has anger management issues; is a complete control freak; has suggested that you 'spend time with him'; has lied to your; says he doesn't want jaheiz but expects a huge dowry...but how can you 'love' someone who you know is disrespectful toward your parents??? How can someone calmly hear someone say nasty things about their own mom and dad,, and still think 'I will give him/her another chance'.
You don't seem too bothered by his disrespectful attitude towards his mom and sisters, probably because apparently he had been doing that to 'defend' you in front of them, or you even think that you mother in law is lying to you. Fair enough. But are you not at all bothered by his comments about your mother and his stating that he is not going to meet your parents after marriage?? If he doesn't have an ounce of respect for your parents now, what makes you think he will change later?
Wow, and then later on people blame that it was in their 'kismet'...
I dint mean that he's a cousin so he's more trustworthy or it makes people talk less, what I meant was I've known him for a long time, not just these 8 months and not just as my fiance. And yes I know I'm not just going to lose my inlaws but the two families are going to break apart, thats one of the reasons I want to give this relationship a second chance.
Another reason was, I'm not giving him a chance and getting married to him right away. I've still got a whole year ahead of me. Im also going to talk to my parents about the physical abuse and see how they respond, I'm also going to talk to HIM about it and see how he responds. And I repeat, asking him will make the situation clear to me as to he really hit his sisters, or was it just my MIL making up stories.
What Im not doing is end the relationship right away and maybe later on regret that I did not try my best to keep it, Im just giving it some more time and see what happens.
Im not expecting him to change. I just want to be sure of whatever I decide. Yes I realize it was like honeymoon period right now, but I cannot convince my parents until Im sure myself. Im just buying more time to help me decide, Im putting myself in a neutral state-of-mind as opposed to earlier, when I was doing anything and everything to make the relationship work. Being neutral will help me see more clearly, and it will be clear to me what I should do. Yes I know the sooner Im out of it, easier it will be for me. But this is what I've decided for now. Wait and watch.
The above post alone (one that I've only managed to read, I admit) somehow gives me enough reason to believe you know what you're dealing with here.
Rest of the people:
My brother (he's just 2 years younger than me and my fiance, and he's an adult) sometimes gets physical when we fight. That does not imply he will hit his future wife. My younger sister is TEN years younger than me, she hits me all the time, ofcourse Im sure nobody here will conclude that she will hit her husband when she gets married. This is ordinary day to day issues, and I would like to see how my brother behaves if I taunt him about his desires, I think that's the hardest blow you can give to a man.
But still I cannot justify him being aggressive to his mother, and that is where my MIL could be exaggerating. I did not mean that she was lying outright but it could be that she was exaggerating, because she came to pin the blame on me like a typical MIL. If my fiance takes a stand for me and fights with them when they are speaking wrongly of me, how am I the cause of the fight? It's actually their fault.
And btw, he does take a stand for me but he did NOT hit them in my defense, the reason for the fight at that time was not me either and I've mentioned it before, his sister was taunting him about HIM, not about me.
I repeat, Im not getting married to him right away. I have time, I dont want to end it right away. Its not easy for me or my parents. I want to give it some time before deciding, and InshAllah in this time, either my doubts will subside, or it will become easy for me to leave him.
And apart from all this, why does everybody keep saying people dont change? People change with time and age, I have changed a lot over the time period of just 2-3 years.
I appreciate the advice from all of you..I really do. It has helped me to see the negative sides of this relationship clearly and not ignore anything thinking I'm being a pessimist.
I read this book "But I love Him" by Amanda Grace.
And I think it has helped me to see, and decide which I couldn't even though all of you tried to convince me so much.
As I said earlier, I just dont want to make a split-second decision. This trial period will make me clear about what decision to take, and Alhamdulillah I am. Quite a lot sooner than I expected too.
First I had a fight with him, he had asked me to call his sister and I forgot, so i said sorry. And he told me no prob, whats there to be sorry about it was not imp for you so you dint call. I was very hurt by this because I always call his sisters/mother when he asks me to. And if I dint care or it wasn't imp then I wouldn't have said sorry to him. So well we had a little argument and in the end he said, I knw I dont deserve you, and I mean it you will see it soon.
I might have made up with him again even after this fight, but after this I sat up the whole night and read that book. And now I've decided, even if he is not going to end this relationship, I am. Im going to karachi for a wedding, and I'll ask my parents to leave me there and come back and say no to them. Even thought that means I'll miss my exams, but I dont care. Or maybe I'll come back and go again after my exams. Whatever, I'm going to ask my phupho to tell my dad I dont want to be married in this mess.
I feel sorry for the guy, his family is selfish they dont care about him. And he doesn't realize he has a problem with himself.
Is there a way I can convey it to him without using the word abuser/abusive? That sounds too harsh. I want to tell him to get help, although I know he'll probably just get enraged at that too, but still...any suggestions?
I think the best course of action right now would be to remove yourself from this situation. And the karachi wedding you mentioned seems like the perfect opportunity. Reading this book has helped to clear your head; getting away for a while will make you even stronger in your decision.
When you tell your phupho/family, make it clear that you are not leaving this open to discussion because as you stated, you've already given the guy and his family plenty of time and chances to rectify the relationships but all has proved vain.
Lastly, even if your sincerity begs you to get the guy some help, trust me he's not gonna wanna hear it. If he's a smart guy, time will teach him a thing or two. If not, well maybe he's better off being the insecure and controlling guy that he is.
