I joined a long time ago but this is the first time Im posting here.
Do you think that a person who can hit his sister can later on hit his wife too? I talked to a friend of mine and she said, no because siblings have a different relation than that of spouses and siblings often fight. But I’ve never seen adult siblings fight physically or hit each other
Im so very upset annd so very confused right now that I dont know what else to say…I might post some more details later on but right now i dont know what i should or should not write…
Your friend is partly right. The relationship between siblings is very different to that between spouses. However anyone who has a tendency to physically assault a sibling (especially once both are adults) is more likely to be violent towards other people in their later life as well (spouse, children, etc.).
it depends upon the situation too.. but if you r gettin married with dat guy den u should talk to ur mother abt that n abt ur fear.. she will give u bettr solution den the ppl who dont know u n dat guy personally.. n u r in my prayrs:)
Im engaged and my fiance had a fight with his elder sister, and he hit her. Later on I found out he even hit his younger sister and even pushed aside his mother during one of the fights…that’s rough. My parents know about it but they din’t react to it, dint even say anything.
I might have ignored it if things were going ideally between me and him. But then Im a great pessimist and I know that I tend to get overly-negative at times. That’s why I never know when to really take things seriously and when Im just being negative. So I tend to ignore red flags.
There has been so much going on that I dont know what to say and what not to say…I know I should atleast share some more details for anybody to help me but honestly Im feeling too upset to talk about anything right now
I dont know if its just the things I’ve been reading on the internet and everywhere or its real. He is very controlling and demanding, and his 180 degree turns in moods, at one time he’s very nice and sweet, and then suddenly he’s all angry, and then suddenly he’s quiet and cold and avoiding me.
I’ve already been engaged about 8 months, and we’re not getting married until next year winters. Although initially I was happy, but now I feel that this relationship is draining all energy from me already, I dont know how will I manage after getting married. Im fed up of this relationship, and Im fed up of my life!
I read Rockon’s thread and so many things are similar to what she has experienced, and Im afraid I might be going through the same after marriage. After all I cant really know him so well until Im married and live with him. But still I can relate to so many things.
Even at times when I feel so fed up of everything the only thing holding me back is I’ve been in this for 8 months and well, I love him, or Im just attached to him and the idea of giving up kills me. But I dont know if this is good for me or not. My parents are very conservative and I know its not going to be easy for me to be getting out of this mess, but even I cant make up my mind. I wish I would just die so I have no decisions to make and I can get out of all this quietly.
Im not the liberal, independent sort of girl, I do believe I have to compromise, but how much should I compromise is where I am confused? Should I put up with everything and carry on and hope I will have the strength to manage everything? I…dont know.
Im miserable right now I should try to come back and post something when I feel more sane
Have you tried talking to him about the circumstances surrounding the fight? If it was over something minor, then you should really be reconsidering your relationship with him. (And a son being aggressive towards his mother is a BIG FAT NO NO in my books - even if that is a little push).
As for his moods - he's probably got alot on his plate at the moment. So talk to him and then decide whether his moods are justified or not.
And lastly, do Istekhara and that will tell you whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing or not. You may have to fight it out with your parents but it's easier to get out now rather than later on.
** I wish I would just die so I have no decisions to make and I can get out of all this quietly**.
This, my friend, is the scariest of all the problems you have right now. It isn't normal to think that death was solution to any of your problems. If you are thinking this way, you might want to get some counseling yourself.
As for relationship advice, I'll leave that to others to comment as I am no expert in that domain.
Yes istikhara option is the best one… n may be he is in some kind of stress dats y he is behavin like that.. tell him what ever u feel.. conversation solves many problms in this type of relations.. dont wish for ur death its haram.. May Allah help u my sis.. u can contct me anytym u need sumone to share…
He said his sister had been taunting him saying 'hamien pata hai tumhain kis chiz ki aag hai', for many days and he finally lost his temper. About the other fights, I can't ask him...yet. Because he dint tell me about those fights and I found out from my MIL.
When the proposal came, my mother din't really give me an option to say 'no'. She just told me that Im saying yes, and I said 'jab ap han ker rahi hain to mujhsy kia pooch rahi hain' and she replied 'main pooch nahi rahi bata rahi hun'. I was upset but then I prayed istakhara, and I decided to go ahead, put my doubts away and look at the positive things. Initially everything was ok, so I was satisfied too. My in-laws(they're from family) were so good, after engagement when I started to talk to him, even he was very nice to me. But then everybody's good in the beginning, right? For about 6 months after the baat pakki, and three months after the engagement everything was quite good and there was peace. There were some small issues between the two families but nothing serious.
Then issues like jahez and stuff started to pop up, more serious stuff and issues started to create. My fiance occasionally kept telling me of the problems happening, tumhari ammi aisy kerti hain wsy kerti hain meri family ko yeh bura lagta hai unki woh baat buri lagi unhon nay yeh kyun kia...etc. It came to the point that he started telling me ky main sirf tumhari wajah sy yeh relation rakhna chahta hun aur apni family ko convince ker rha hun werna woh tumhari ami ki wajah sy itnay tung hain ky rishta torna chahty hain.
Then one day my younger SIL came home (since we're cousins and frank to some extent) she said she wanted to discuss some issues, she told me some of the issues that my fiance had told me over time and some other and one main issue was jahez-saying ky dono families ki pehli shadi hai sub log kahien gy kia dia jahez main, dena to parta hai werna log kia kahien gy etc. Second main issue was she very clearly implied to me that they all thought I was forcing my fiance for early marriage and thats why he was demanding to get married soon. {background to these issues-my inlaws and my fiance had said they dont want jahez, and my mother mentioned this to a few people so they 'got scared' that she was really not going to give any jahez. Also my fiance's insistence on getting married early was bothering them which was his own action}
So after she went back I talked to him and told him about only these two issues, I said ky ap gher main jaldi shadi ka kehty hain aur apki family ko lagta hai main apko force ker rahi hun, and secondly ky ap to kehty thay jahez nahi lena woh yeh batien keh ky gai hai...he got furious on his sister and they had a fight. I came to know about it the next day that he fought with his sister ky tum wahan kyun gai thi yeh sub batien kerny ager koi masla tha to ami abu ko jana chahiey tha (which was valid)
Affter that, things were apparently quiet for the next three months, but they were not. My fiance undertook many fights to side with me whenever somebody in my in-laws said something against me, and I had no idea what was happening in their house except that I noticed the behaviours of my SILs and MIL changing. He started to have mood swings in this time period and we had very frequent fights.
Last month he told me of his fight with his elder sister, in which he hit her, which I just mentioned in the beginning. The day he had the fight he din't talk to me too for the whole day and kept his phone turned off. Later he told me about the fight and in the end he said 'tm bhi baqi sub jesi ho aur tm nay mery sy baatien chupaien' I was shocked at that but I cleared it out ky mene koi baat nahi chupai he said ok. But after that his mood was never the same, he just changed drastically, avoiding and ignoring me all the time. I tried to ask him a lot of time, I tried to give him space and time,i tried to be normal with him and behave extra caringly inspite of his cold behaviour. I tried everything but he just denied that anything was wrong. And that frustrated me because it was very clear that he was not ok. Whenever I tried to even ask him what was wrong we would have a huge fight!
About 2 weeks after he had the fight, my MIL and FIL came home and told my parents ky yeh har baat usay pata nahi kesay bata deti hai ky woh ghussa ho ky gher main larai kerta hai us nay bari behn ko bhi mara choti ko bhi mara maan ko bhi dhaka dia uska sir ja ky dewar main laga...at the end of everything my MIL said main ab tumhain azmanay ayi hun tum nay usay koi baat nai batani. So I dint tell him anything, and I couldn't even ask him why he fought with his other sister and pushed his mother. Also his behaviour din't improve for more than a month.
We had one major fight, when at one point he asked me apni ami sy kaho ziada nahi to aik room ka jahez day dain tht way my parents will not feel so angry and I can convince them for marriage. I was shocked by what he said and I said to him everything else apart, but why did you lie to me shuru sy yeh kehty rahy jahez nahi lena ab keh rahy hain jahez chahiey. Even jahez itself was not the issue to me at that point but the fact that he lied.
He reacted to that very voilently saying tumhari ammi ki wajah sy yeh sab ho rha hai werna main kbhi bhi jahez leny ki baat na kerta aur tum mujh py jhoot ka ilzam laga rahi ho and what not. I decided to give him one chance because things were so mixed up at that point, I apologized and things were ok. That was sometime in between the two fights with his sisters.
Anyhow, after about one and a half month of his cold behaviour, it was his birthday and he was in a better mood for once, i tried to ask him once again what was wrong and he said tumny mery sy jhoot boly hain, after some attempts I got to know kia jhoot and I told him I dint even know of those things. So his mood became ok once again for the last 8-1o days. And that leads to the latest incident that happened...
Im sorry I know Im posting loooooooongg stories but Im really confused and upset about all this, i have nobody to advise me I cannot trust anybody in the family, and my parents are not going to advise me impartially. And they're not going to take my side, so its worse. I really need some advice and I dont want to leave anything out...
I don't care how stressed out someone is, getting physically violent with his sisters and mother is inexcusable!!! Do you not see how this could easily be you one day?
And demanding jahez? It sounds like your worth is being based on how much you bring.
Too many red flags here for my liking. Sonch samaj ke aagay barna. Abhi bhi kuch nahi bigra hai. Nikkah/Shaadi ke baad kuch nahin karpaogi.
The jhoots he thought I had told him were that I dint know anything about what my parents had said to his father, which I really din’t know.
Then he told me ky tumharay abu nay tumhara mbl lia tha wifi check kerny ky liey (i told him that) us waqt unhon ny hamary msgs parhay hain aur meray abu (my FIL) ko kaha ky yeh akely miltay rahy hain, to hum inka sadgi sy nikah kerwa dety hain. He told me very explicitly ky abu ko puri baat samajh nahi ayi unko sirf itna convey hua ky kuch email ki baat thi lekin tmny mujhay bataya tha ky wifi check kernay ky liey lia tha mobile aur hum email py to baat kertay nahi hain.
I was shocked that how could my father do such a thing mujhsy poochay baghair woh ja ky mery susral main ksy keh sakty hain ky yeh milay hain. I told him I would ask my father and he said nahi tum apnay oper mat lo khudi baray solve ker lain gy.
Then! I overheard my parents talk about the issue (they din’t tell me anything about it directly) and they did not talk about any msgs at all! And they never said that we met secretly. They said ky jab meri ami gher py nahi hotien tab yeh ata hai {he came on eid with his sister but he dint know my parents were not at home, the other time that my parents thought that he came was just a misunderstanding he dint actually come}. So my parents said ky jab woh gher py nahi hoty tab mery fiance ko nahi ana chahiey aur ager woh nahi reh sakta to ap shadi jaldi ker lain. The whole issue on my parents part was just a misunderstanding. They thought that he came both times deliberately when my parents were not home when he actually dint even come on one occasion and did not know that they were not home on the second occasion. I could have cleared it very easily by talking to them…BUT what happened was, I hinted to my fiance that I dont think abu ny mery koi msgs parhy hain but I dint tell him I knew the whole thing, and he dint say anything but the next morning he said to me…‘you’re right tumhary abu ny msgs nahi parhay balkay tumhari choti behn nay msgs parh ky abu ko bataya tha, kal tumhry abu aey thay meri ami ko bata ky gaey hain abhi btaya hai mjhy ami nay’
Im shocked because this is an outright lie. Just the last night I was discussing the whole issue with my sister and she dint even know about it until I told her. And he was trying to blame it on her! Nobody else knew about the wifi thing and only he could make that up. So I see no other option other than that he lied to me!
He also told me he was very upset because of my parents behaviour and he was never going to meet them after our marriage and he wouldn’t stop me but he wount be happy when I go. I thought it was natural for him to get upset since my parents were trying to pin blame on him for doing something that he dint even do, and I thought shadi ky baad time lagay ga but then ghusa kam ho jaey ga to milnay lag jaien gy.
But this lie of his turned everything upside down for me. I was going along with the drama of his family all along because he was supporting me, and i thought he was sincere with me. I was even putting up with his mood swings and his extreme anger, and his extreme possessiveness, I even ignored the fact that he hit his sisters was aggressive with his mother, just because he’s being fair with me, thinking they were all his gestures of love.
But this has made me very very upset. I have tried to think of a thousand times but I cannot come up with anything that could justify what he said, or that he might not have lied and it was a misunderstanding.
I tried to ask him gently about it, but he ignored my question and then avoided me for the whole day. At the end of the day I got really angry that instead of justifying he’s avoiding me. I got harsh with him and he responded with rude replies too…but when I said that you lied to me and you owe me an explanation, i have a right to ask you for that agay sy attitude mat dikhaien. He din’t reply to that and went to sleep (probably). In the morning I realized that I had been very harsh and rude, which I shuldn’t have been. So inspite of everything, I texted him again ky main ap py ilzam nahi laga rahi but somebody has to be lying in this situation and I want to know who it is and why I just need a justification. He dint even ask me kis jhoot or anything, he’s just quiet.
I wasnt discussing it with my parents to give him a chance that it might be a misunderstanding. I know they being parents wont forget it so easily even if it was a misunderstanding…so until he gives me an explanation or admits that he lied i decided not to tell them. But his behaviour is suggesting he is guilty and he wont be doing anything about it.
It hurts me to think the person I trusted and loved just for the sake of Allah has lied to me, the person I believed was going to be my husband might not be with me anymore The truth is I dont want to leave him, because I love him. But if he’s dishonest with me, ofcourse I dont want to waste my life. Its going to be hard neverthless sob sob
You need to always remember that your parents are not going to live with this man. They’re not going to have to deal with him every-single-day for the rest of their live. YOU will! The guy clearly has a anger management issue if he lost control and hit his older sister, younger sister, AND physically shoved his own mother! And I know plenty of people who has gone through major stressors in their lives and do not behave the way you’re describing this guy.
Based what what you wrote above, you would have to be a complete idiot to think that this man is going to treat you and your future children with respect. Married life is full of things that stress the couple out and there are many things you two will disagree about in the future. I have no idea why anyone would choose to marry a man who resorts to physical abuse during a argument. If he can hit his own sisters and shove his mother…what on earth makes you so special that you think he won’t hit you in the future?
I’m amazed that people are actually making excuses for his behavior saying he might be under stress! Are you frigging kidding me?!! **NOTHING…no amount of stress in this world justifies physical violence! ** A mature, grown man who is not abusive will walk away from a situation if he feels that his emotions are getting too intense. We’re not talking about siblings who are CHILDREN and playing around. These are adults who were involved in a argument.
You’re not married yet. Love alone doesn’t make a marriage happy. And your love alone is not going to keep him from hitting you or your future children. It certainly didn’t save his sisters did it?
Take it as a blessing from God that you’re finding out all this right now. It’s your life. If you don’t stand up and help yourself…then don’t expect anyone else to do it for you.
Have you tried talking to him about the circumstances surrounding the fight? If it was over something minor, then you should really be reconsidering your relationship with him. (And a son being aggressive towards his mother is a BIG FAT NO NO in my books - even if that is a little push).
As for his moods - he's probably got alot on his plate at the moment. So talk to him and then decide whether his moods are justified or not.
And lastly, do Istekhara and that will tell you whether or not this relationship is worth pursuing or not. You may have to fight it out with your parents but it's easier to get out now rather than later on.
If you read the rest of my posts...you'll get the answers to that. My biggest concern is that I DID pray istkhara in the beginning. Maybe I should do it again in the renewed circumstances.
**NOTHING…no amount of stress in this world justifies physical violence! ** A mature, grown man who is not abusive will walk away from a situation if he feels that his emotions are getting too intense. We’re not talking about siblings who are CHILDREN and playing around. These are adults who were involved in a argument.
