Re: My marriage.....
Well, here’s the update. I am going through the worst phase of my marriage…and this is how it worsened
INCIDENT-1
My sil had come for a visit. I was about to enter the lounge when I overheard part of her conversation with hubby, mil & fil. SIL was telling hubby how she had not spent any money of her husband’s on clothes for 2-3 years. She also said that if it were possible for her now, she would work all day and give all her income to her parents as FIL was not “stable”. The reference in her first statement was obviously me. I didn’t hear a word from hubby in defense. He stayed stayed quiet, though I have never asked him for money. Whatever I spend on clothes and everything else is from my own money. How could he stay quiet when he has given his entire earnings to his parents pre-marriage…. because of whom he had to take a huge loan for his wedding? His dad is not “stable”….yeah right!!! Hubby has told me that his dad has amassed enough wealth in Karachi…they also have property in UAE
Still, he didn’t have anything to say in return to his younger sis on grounds where he was right and she was wrong? I don’t care how much money they have….I know I am capable enough of making our money as long as we work for it…..but I felt so bad that he didn’t say a word to defend the truth? When I entered the room, the topic was dropped and hubby spoke and joked at length with his sis, as if nothing had happened!!
Later, when she had left I confronted him….he said that he didn’t want to say anything to his sister in front of his parents. He would call the next day and let her know what she said was wrong. He said that his sis was simply trying to prove her smartness, so he let her do that. He also said that if his sis said anything that is not true, it doesn’t become true by saying so. I was deeply hurt, cried and stopped talking to him. My hubby is so blind to whatever his family keeps trying to interfere in our marriage….sils had their own agenda and tried their best to stop the marriage, they still attack me indirectly through tannay and they are there to tell lies in front of him and interfere in my marriage!
Still….he can’t see.
INCIDENT-2
My hubby was called at our place for dinner. Dad told him that I was upset with they way things were going forward, and he asked him why this was not being resolved.
He started on a defensive note, and said that I don’t do khidmat for him or his family. He then complained about the blanket which he had to “double-fold” each morning….My dad took a neutral approach and tried to make him understand that everything in marriage is based on mutual understanding, etc, etc. I sat for the discussion and tried to prove my point, told him his complaints were not valid coz he would have every right to complain if I had not made sure the room was clean when I returned from work…My dad suggested to take a separate home as that seemed the only way-out to prevent further blows to our marriage. He listened quietly and seemed slightly convinced also, but knowing how he his I knew he chances of it happening were very remote.
The fact is that I come from a home where hygiene is given far more importance than at my in-laws, and my husband is as messy as any guy would be, but it is not fair that he complains about the blanket when I am so freaking fussy about keeping the room in perfect condition ALWAYS.
Anyways, he lost his temper in the middle and yelled at me in front of my dad. Dad was pissed and raised his voice, but I & mom stepped in and stopped him. Hubby apologized for his indecent behavior in front of my dad, sat for a while and left.
The second day hubby comes to my parent’s home to apologize for his behavior the previous day. He tells my mom that he has finally decided to have a home of his own and that he had spent 4 hours looking for an apartment in our state, so that I don’t need to commute for that long every day. Besides he said, if I being a girl can commute, he might as well being a man.
*INCIDENT 3- *
It’s a Friday afternoon and I was not really talking to my husband since we had a fight, but otherwise taking care of him like his breakfast, dinner, etc
I am deeply hurt by his chalakiyan, repeated lies and they way he screamed in front of my dad. Sil calls him up and asks him to come for dinner in the evening, and he agrees to her without asking me. I tell him that I am not going to her place. He could go if he wished, but I don’t want to because I haven’t gone in 5-6 days anywhere.
He calls my mom, she doesn’t answer as she would be praying. He then calls my sil and tells her that I don’t want to come to her home because she hasn’t requested me, n if she requests then I may think over it!!! He wanted me to speak to her, I refused. Why should I speak to his sis when he has called her and openly insulted me in front of her? How can he expect that if he threatens me like that I would talk to her?? He hung up and I asked him why he insulted me in front of his sister. He said that he did so coz I refused to go at her place.
While we are having an argument, he then storms out of the room, screams the hell out of his lungs and calls his mom and dad and I was left without even an ounce of dignity. He screamed on his top “isne meri zindagi kharaab kar di he”, and cursed me. He rolled on the floor and said pointing to my toes “ap log is ke talway chatain”. He broke the coffee table, banged his cell phone on the wall and said that all of it was because of me. He was mad, incontrollable, and worst he bared our private relationship out and said that I could not even give him a child. He wanted a child right after marriage....i wanted a year's time and so it was mutually understood. He screamed and said that my parents are forcing him to take a separate home, and repeatedly blamed my parents.
To cut it short, I can not describe the pain I felt through the entire emotional drama. He threatened to harm himself and screamed till he bit his tongue so hard that it started bleeding. I felt as I had just walked over a landmine, yet was alive to feel the pain of what I had lost.
Sil was called in to control her brother…..husband kept yelling at me, in-laws kept staring at me….and my mom called at the home no. as she suspected something had gone wrong since I wasn’t answering the phone and hubby’s phone was out of connection as it was broken. FIL answered and told her that I was fine, mom could hear SIL’s voice in the background and sensed something big had happened.
An hour later my parents were there. SIL had left by then. All of us sat and talked. Dad complained to them about hubby…how he had screamed at me in front of him and how he had come to our home to announce his decision of taking a separate home. FIL, MIL said there was no need of a separate home. “Hamara ghar itna bara tou he”. Dad told about the blanket-issue. He also told them that I was working to support my husband who can’t sustain beyond the tenth of every month. FIL said that support was not the right word, as his son was an Engineer. He never gave them any money and they didn’t have any property in UAE. Much more was talked.
I could only tell my parents in front of in-laws “today was the worst”. I went home with my parents.
PRESENT:
I have been staying with my parents for the past 10 days. Hubby had come thrice to take me back, but I refused. He said that all what he said was out of anger. In-laws had come over once without hubby….again issues were brought to their notice, but there was no resolution. They just wanted me to go with them, and I didn’t want to. During my dad’s conversation with them, it was clear that all of them had been lying all through to safeguard their own objectives. Hubby had lied about his income to me….fil defended him by saying he has a letter from hubby’s firm that states he would get a raise after his engagement which never happened and so their son had told us his salary post raise ….Fil also said that my dad should have enquired about hubby’s salary before marriage…he has also lied about his education, in-laws denied hubby gave them any money
I am exhausted and so depressed! I clearly can’t stand his parents….his parents are extremely manipulative.....the family is so twisted that fil, mil and hubby completely deny what I tell them about hubby and vice-versa….
The issue is not about money….it’s about the lies on which the marriage is based and the other million lies told to protect them. We have completely different upbringings…..hubby is so controlled that if we ate pizza, he tells his parents we ate sandwiches….if we dined at a restaurant, he would tell we had pizza. Whatever we shopped came from the back door, though I would have mostly paid for it. Our viewpoints are completely different on life...he doesn’t value truth, honesty or morals. He would rather lie than work for achieving anything in life. He has admitted a million times that he has had a suppressed upbringing, and he can’t say anything against his parents as he considers it disobedience. He lacks the ambition to achieve and excel in life….I always had a feeling that his parents never wanted him to pursue better opportunities. My dad told my in-laws a couple of times that he has been advising hubby and me to invest together in some property back home since both of us work . FIL never commented. Recently, at our home, FIL said….” there is no need of us to invest as it takes 20-25 years to make a home… and they have an apartment in Khi in which we all could stay together….aur hum se tou itne saalon mein aaj tak yahan ghar nahin banpaya".
FIL tells how he and his wife managed in less money and no money 35 years ago.
How should I re-assess the situation? Should I just ignore everything and start living with my in-laws….honestly, I hate them so much more and I suspect now for every little thing hubby might just pull me out of the room and start cursing me….I can’t imagine every argument brought out for the public and this will only worsen the situation.
Should I put my condition to have a separate home? My parents suspect that hubby can never take such a huge step as he will be pressurized by his parents and sisters. Even if he does, which is highly unlikely, dad suspects it will worsen the situation as he will hold me responsible for every little thing that would happen at his parents’ home. They are worried about my future with him. Besides I know hubby doesn’t want to move out. He has asked me several time “Wht’s the guarantee that we won’t fight ever gain if we stay alone?"
Should I ask for khulla and remain single for the rest of my life? If not, then that means staying miserable for the rest of my life…I am so confused that I can’t decide on anything….it’s going to be most difficult for me….it’s my first wedding anniversary today and I can’t help remembering and crying the time and effort I spent in arranging the wedding.
I feel so helpless. I know as a Muslim I should try to forgive and move on…..but is it normal to base a marriage on lies. I stood by my hubby during the engagement period. I had a clear sense of his weaknesses but didn’t know he would lie blatantly. I know I have been wrong in fighting with him for several things that bothered me. But the fact is that I have no respect for his parents for wrongly accusing my mom and his sisters for trying their best to break the marriage…..After all that has happened I am not sure if I have any respect for him. Clearly he doesn’t. Still I am the only one responsible for salvaging this marriage?
Please pray that Allah helps me in this difficult situation.
