My marriage.....

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: My marriage.....

but what does it matter that he doesnt have some kinda saving before you guys got married and what difference does it make that he gave the money to his parents?

Is that the concern? Maybe he honestly beleived, he could get the money back, or at least some of it once he got married? I dunno

A lot of people start from scracth... and yes, it is kinda difficult, but only as much as we want it to be. If you support him, he will support you, and together you can build up a saving.. and who knows, maybe even move out if teh need being.

I know a lot of couples, including myself, who had no savings to being with. We both had student loans. The hubs had a bit of a loan before we got married.. but together we paid things off... whats the big deal?

22

I know haania....i feel being punished by Allah.swt and ask his forgiveness in every namaaz n duaa....I am ready to have suffered in any other way and find it so hard to believe this is happening to me....i can't believe i was born with such fate....my mom n dad tell me the same thing....that few years down the road it would be impossible to "get out".

Please keep me in your prayers....

23

Re: My marriage.....

have you spoken to him?

try talking to him; and if he isn't receptive at first, keep trying.

Secondly, not sure if this is the same case, but money issues, you need to put behind you. You can walk into a marriage expecting stability in financial terms, but not every woman gets that and not every man can offer it NOW. You support him and help him out, and he'll get the income. Economies are rough, and its difficult for people to even get a job these days. As for all the control his parents have over his finances, just deal with it for the time being, and consider that he'll eventually grow out of it. HE has to come to a realization that HE needs to manage his own money. If you keep directly pointing it out to him, its just going to frustrate him more. Accept the situation as it is. If you want pocket money, go get a job. Also, try to get out of the house - get a hobby, something anything that occupies your time.

And have a serious discussion with your husband and make it clear to him that you DO NOT want this to go towards a divorce, but that BOTH of you need to work together to make sure it doesn't go down that road.

He clearly is not ready to kick you out of the house, at this point. So just play your cards right.

24

Re: My marriage.....

Fingirl - you may well have valid causes to feel agrieved but try at least to take little immaturish ego wars like double-fold versus single-fold out of the equation. It will help you think clearly about the real stuff.

If one partner in a marriage is so hung up on tiny things that shouldn't even matter then the other one MUST learn to let go of them. Just do the double-fold and get rid of this thing. Every little bit of reduction in arguments means more of better quality time spent with your spouse, possibly leading to solutions to your issues.

25

exactly

26

Re: My marriage.....

just one other thing, i dont think ur parents are giving u the right advice about saying... "it'll be difficult to get out later". Are they implying you get out now rather than make it work?

There are people in a lot more worst positions. Abusive relationships.. just crazy stuff. What you're going through, is stuff that can be worked on... seriously. I wouldnt throw it away.

27

^I totally agree, i mean why ppl just give tht kinda advice to break da home if marriage is not wotrking so bluntly kowing that she is a married woman, n what cud b the consiquences of that, running away from the situation is not intelligence, this is life, n its full of problems n issues, plz try to change urseld, learn more to ignore ur inlaws, teh more u ignore, more u'll b in peace, just make sure to please ur hubby, i can u/stand ur situation as ur working woman and standing there only for ur hubby, for ur marriage,

on that point I agree the u shud be carefull abt being a mummy, as it'll b more tough for u, try to get things settle down first, in marriage, woman is the one who has to make all the adjustments, forget ur inlaws to get change, just keep focus on urself n ur hubby, ur relation, n plz dont ruin thos relation by fighting on silly things, nmost important thing pyar 5 times a day, make ur sincere prayers to Allah, dont loose hope, n hope for the best, Inshallah things will start working in ur favour, but that need time n patience. my prayers are with u, God Bless both f u :)

I agree with pyariCgurya aswell that u shud talk to ur hubby clearly that u dobnt wnna breakup, so to keep the things working in ur favour u both needs to struggle n work togathr

28

Re: My marriage.....

Yeah man. I'd be popping those birth control pills like candy.

29

Re: My marriage.....

sadzzzz....i fully agree with you.....financial distress can be worked out.....ive told my husban a zillion times that m working for "US". In fact, he said that he thought he would get his money back at the time of his wedding as his parents were saving it up for him....BUT ended up taking a loan for the wedding....when i asked him why he didn't ask for his money, he said he couldn't ask his parents as that was past.....Still understandable to me....

It is okay to have nothing to start with....but i feel cheated and hurt as he always said that his money was always his own......it's been almost a year n i dont know how much he exactly earns....m even ready to contribute to his loan re-payment, but how can i do it if i dont even know exactly how much he still owes....isn't it my right to have some transparency before i contribute.....

I pay for everything i need and contribute where i think i can help him without offending him...like for a dinner, etc....M completely open to the idea of sharing expenses. He on the other hand, hates the fact i work as he feels that is the reason why i fight with him.... He tells me that a wife's place is at home n reminds me each day that my work is temp as if i a commit a sin each day....i commute each day for 3 hours back and forth to work...i have quit lunch at work just to arrive before he comes home in the eve, as he used to fight with me for not being home before he would get back from his work.....

i have even told him to move out....as i feel that could bring back some sense to him....he would know he's responsible for a family. I strongly want to move out....he initially didn't want, but then wanted to move out until he insulted me in front of his dad....from that point it seems like he can't move out as his father is old and would soon go back to Pak as he is working past his retirement age. Just recently when i took the matter home, he said he needs 2-months to move out....I don't know if there's anything to believe in this as all what he promised never gets fulfilled.

30

Re: My marriage.....

^ one a day mate... one a day

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31

Re: My marriage…

You just need to keep the dialogue open. At most, seek out an elder in the community who can be trusted to counsel you guys; or go to marriage counseling. Issues like whether he’s comfortable with a working woman should have been sorted out prior to marriage.

You could just stop working and see where that takes you. Sit at home, watch dramas, and when he’s like…whaaa? You say, well you wanted me to quit the job??

Right now, he needs you financially, and its killing his ego. It’s prolly also killing the egos of your in-laws. Don’t rub your income in his face. Don’t pay for anything - that’s YOUR income - YOU keep it.

It is sad, though. My uncle never tells his wife anything about what he earns, and it peeves her off. She’s like, what kind of marriage is this that you can’t trust me? He friggin’ takes his money and buys an apartment in karachi for his mother, and she finds out months after it has been purchased. :rolleyes: aise bhi laug hain. They do not believe money issues should be discussed with you, because you’re still an outsider to them. They have not accepted you as one of their own, trustworthy. So, work on trying to be better friends with them, understand them, and don’t take their nagging seriously. You’ll see, they’ll stop eventually. And if they don’t. Well, you gotta decide if you want to join the ranks of millions of women who are the second wheel in the house. Some people are perfectly happy with it as long as they get their GEO TV dramas. shrugs

32

firstly, dont question him about the money. The money is gone.. and just leave it at that. There is no point.

I am sure his parents spent a considerable amount of money on the wedding and prob on his education as well... so why would you want to demand it back? Just forget that.

Do u work closeby to each other? Can you guys not commute together to work or even back home? If he says ur committing a sin, just tell him, ur helping him to make the future better and trying to relieve some stress off him. Ask him about his work.. Ask him what stresses him... dont nag him.. but just ask him calmly.

Maybe take him out?

Dont worry about how much u contribute and what you pay for... this shouldnt matter. Yes, he should tell you about the loans.... maybe wait till he's calm and happier.. and ask him how much is left and talk about sitting down and maybe pencilling out a plan to finish the loan quickly. Seem genuinely interested, rather than "wanting to know everything as if its ur right". Yes, it is your right.... but if you know hes gonna get his knickers in a knot.... then be smart about it.

33

Re: My marriage.....

Pyari....i m out a 6:30 am to reach work at 8:00 am. I reach home at 6:00pm. If it weren't for my job i dont know where i would have ended....besides almost all our fights happen on weekends when i can force him to listen....once home, i engage the maid to clean my room, i dust and organize clothes, take a shower n pray. I sit outside for 15-20 mins with my in-laws...i say a couple of things and leave....we normally go out for a drive, get home around 10pm and sleep.

Honestly, it isn't money.....the cheating part hurts me but still i ve learn't to ignore it....there are just multiple issues to deal with...inlaws, deceit, perceptions, "tannay-baazi", personality issues, etc.

wht i feel about is the way he thinks.....he finds it convenient now so it's okay that i work....but the day he finds a good job he'll ask me to sit at home...i m not career- driven and he knew from before marriage tht i don't mind sitting at home but why does he have to boss me around to live my life the way he wants.....it's his perception about my work that i feel bad about.....how can he decide that m not being a good wife if i work??

Pyari.....i have spoken to him many times saying it's a serious discussion.....he listens for a while, n then we start arguing and it is another fight.....i feel now that since whateva i say falls on deaf ears, ive decided to stay quiet....but it all builds up inside me.

34

Re: My marriage.....

Ignore the inlaws. Ignore the taane... and forget the "cheated" bit.. i still dont get that

Sad friendship songs
35

Re: My marriage.....

You have a maid?

36

Re: My marriage.....

and u spend time out with the hubz till 10pm? im so jealous

37

Re: My marriage.....

uh yeah.

i dont spend even that much time with my imaginary boyfriend/husband/Prince of England

....

and he's IMAGINARY.

time pass...WELCOME AUGUST ~*~ پاکستان زِنده با د‎ ~*~
38

Re: My marriage.....

Thanks for all your replies...

I would just like to add few things here to make it clearer.....

like i dont spend time in the kitchen for 2 reasons....mil cooks during the day when m not home so the cooking is done before i come; i have cooked 5-6 times since marriage and just dont feel like cooking...we have a full-time maid who does chawal n chapati n the cutting required (mil does the main dish).

Just how much can one ignore.....ive felt the urge to react so many times when i get to listen those tannay, but always keep quiet, and burn...I'll give you just FEW examples of their tanay/convo....

Mil says that she has a lot of "tension" on her mind every day coz she has to keep food ready for fil before he comes in the eve n hence can not sleep in the afternoon.

" My youngest daughter in Canada does all the work on her own, se ironed her hubby's clothes for 1 hour yest".

My sil would come and say " I'm so tired today worked ALL day at home..i cooked koftay for my hubby for lunch, salad, sandwich, etc"

I told my MIL i wasn't feeling well and can't go with her to her friend's dholak party. FIL said" Ive heard that you arent going to the party" I said "I'm not feeling well". He said in that case you shouldnt be going to work tommorrow as well. I told him that i could take a day off but couldn't as i had to manage an upcoming event at work.

FIL has told me numerous times that we should dine at less expensive restaurants. He dines at desi restaurants, n we dont feel like having desi food outside...besides i pay for dinner in full or part...

I have always remained quiet in front of them on all occasions....n have taken each tanna to my husband n it has generally ended up in a fight...

Why do i have to hear all of this....do i drive to work each day to play and have fun??..MIL has a maid who works as per her instructions and still she finds ways to taunt me.

39

Re: My marriage.....

Pyari....we go outside for an hour every other day or so...

sadzz m sure there's nothing in my marriage that is worth envying. I pray no girl gets to go through what i have..

40

Re: My marriage.....

u just need to learn how to balance life, thats all, i mean cme on u have a maid who does half the cooking n chores so whats all the complainimg about its financial issues. technically speaking he shud b the one suporting u n nt the other way round, y r u WAITING for him to find a better job or a place of ur own? if ur gonna sit at home u may as well so he can learn how to handle his responsibilities.
have u tried going house or apartment hunting?
maybe go on a short weekend break together even if it means jst a drive in the countryside or smething but just u n him n use tht time to compromise
compromise is the key