So I need opinions from the girls on this forum. Would any girl be be willing to marry a 27 yrs. old good looking, fun-to-be-with, well-educated but divorced guy who earns quite well (above 80k a year)?
My husband has a friend who married a gori since he fell in love with her but they got divorced after 2 yrs of marriage as he couldn’t handle her social activities (she was too liberal) and she didn’t do any household chores. Like the usual desis, he was expecting her to at least keep the house clean and sometimes make him tea/coffee when he asked her (thats what he told me) but she was never home (according to him)… aur cooking kaa tau kher sawaal hi paida nahin hota, they always ate out. His mother doesn’t live here so there were no MIL/FIL issues. She just came and went as she pleased and he didn’t like it, so they grew apart.
Anyways, so my husband keeps bugging me to find a girl for him and I’m reluctant cuz I dont think a girl who has not been previously married would marry him. What do you girls think, are the girls here okay with marrying a divorced guy? Do you think I can approach some girls I know here or would they get offended?
P.S. He’s not narrow-minded, just wants a decent girl who would have some limits at least, and he would actually like to marry a career-oriented girl who works.
So I need opinions from the girls on this forum. Would any girl be be willing to marry a 27 yrs. old good looking, fun-to-be-with, well-educated but divorced guy who earns quite well (above 80k a year)?
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some thing tells me dude is going to have more failed relations. :D
The fact that he didn't think this through tells me that he's not very mature with his decision-making.
Secondly getting divorced over such a trivial reason is REALLY silly. What's to say he wont divorce again over something stupid. As desperate as I am, no thank-you.
Sorry to say, but these are really inexcusable reasons for divorce. If these small things were so important, which they honestly should not be, he should have looked for a desi girl. But nooooo, the brown guys all want a white chic these days. Ok, fine. Then stay committed to her at least.
People get divorced. They make mistakes, they can learn from them and move on. He isnt a monster just because he got divorced. His future wife isnt getting cheated out on life just because he is divorced. What he makes does not need to be mentioned, unless his wife thinks the money is supposed to cushion the fact that he was previously married. If the girl is worth anything, she will look at what type of person he is, his character, his values, and base her decision on that, instead of judging him based on his mistakes and his salary
There is just too much stigma in our communities on the issue of married divorced people
Based on what I've seen...yes, there are some women who would consider it. That said, your hubby's friend might just have to sit tight and wait because though there are women out there, they're harder to find. Most desi parents (and by default, their children) still are of the mindset that divorce = used goods. Sorry for the crudeness - I'm just telling it like it is. This way of thinking applies generally applies more to divorced women than it does to men, but at the very least, divorced men are to be looked on with suspicion. So most won't even consider it for their child.
But there is a growing number of people who are starting to see divorce for what it is - something that's frowned upon in Islam but NOT forbidden and sometimes even necessary in some situations.
I understand your reluctance about approaching people on behalf of this guy. Because yeah...you will run into some parents or girls who will be like "oh great...we're not so desperate that we would consider a divorced guy for our kid." So you will likely risk some hurt feelings. But there are people out there who will consider it...and in that situation, you have to be completely honest with them. Because while the fact of the divorce won't matter much to them, WHY he got divorced will be a big concern. These are the type of people who understand that things sometimes don't work out and that's fine to them...but if they didn't work out because he was beating his wife up or was somehow dishonest - they obviously won't be cool with that.
So before you go talking to anybody, talk to this guy. Tell him that if you're going to speak to people on his behalf, you need the full story. Any skeletons regarding the marriage - you need to know about in the interest of full disclosure. It seems you already have the full story, so when you are talking to people for him, don't edit the bad stuff to make him look better. Lay it out honestly and then just give them his/his parents' contact information so they can direct questions at them. At that point, you've done all you can.
Ok so he must have dated his gori gf before they married? Did they meet doing the very social activities that he came to despise her for?
I might get shot down for this but if I think if an asian man had been divorced from an asian woman (for legitimate reasons) then many asian girls would consider the marriage, but the fact that he was with a gori I don't think he'd be as desirable.
Did they meet doing the very social activities that he came to despise her for?
Fair point. If he is taking part in the very activities that he doesn't want HER to take part in...that's pretty hypocritical and a big fat warning sign for any girl who may consider marrying him.
But people do change. Perhaps he has, and in that case, he deserves a second chance no?
Generally, I wouldn't disregard the rishta if he was divorced, but looking at his reasons for getting a divorce..i understand these are things that most men want...but these are some things (a liberal lifestyle, etc) that should be known before getting married.
Fair point. If he is taking part in the very activities that he doesn't want HER to take part in...that's pretty hypocritical and a big fat warning sign for any girl who may consider marrying him.
But people do change. Perhaps he has, and in that case, he deserves a second chance no?
It seems that he wanted something and didn't really think of the consequences - surely he must have known that she liked to party and was not very domesticated. If he is Muslim, did she convert for him, or was she already a Muslim when they met? Did she even convert? If you meet someone in that environment its very difficult to change them. I have a colleague who is very outgoing - her hubby doesn't like it but he has just learnt to accept it because he feels there is nothing he can do to stop her.
Actually, he didn't divorce her... she asked for one since she got fed up with the fights and the restrictions he was putting on her, like stay home with me, spend time with me, lets do social activities together rather than her going out with friends every night.
I'm not making excuses for the guy, its just that he's a nice guy..... typical desi though. And thats what most desi men expect, you know. They are okay with fun-loving girls or whatever but after marriage they expect you to settle down, like he stopped partying and clubbing and all, he expected her to do the family thing too, you know socialize with families and no more partying, clubbing, etc.
Anyways, Thank you Mistral... i think your advice is really good. I'll sit down with him and ask him the details as I wouldn't wanna start approaching people without knowing the full story. And then I'll approach people accordingly. Thanks :)
1) he made a mistake and did not know her as well as he thought? how many posts are here on hs for ladies talking about their own or their friends relationships where the husband turned out to be different or married life was
if he made a mistake then, is he then destined to be punished by everyone for all of his life? what has to be seen is whether he can now make better decisions that align with
2) differences emerging after living together- what else is said..you dont know someone until you live with them. now we dont know if he and the girl lived together before getting married..and if they did not and he found out lifestyle stuff more after the marriage and the differences were simply not reconcilable , should he stay in the marriage? question then is, were his expectations sensible and did he really try to make it work..
all we are operating on are assumptions on little snippet of information, not enough.
there are possible scenarios which would say yes he is a good candidate, and others that would say no..stay away.
If you meet someone in that environment its very difficult to change them.
Exactly. However it is you find people prior to marriage, it's pretty much how they're going to be for the rest of their lives with little exception.
It seems that he wanted something and didn't really think of the consequences
Most people don't. All they're thinking about is the picture they have in front of them and most of the time, it's pretty rosy due to everybody being on their best behavior prior to the shaadi. Add to that all the color and fun of the shadi and shadi events and what you have is a situation where reality doesn't penetrate until the day after the last wedding party is over and the rosy picture you painted is gone.
So it's little wonder that a lot of people are unhappy because they didn't really think of the consequences beforehand. Some tough it out and work on it...eventually they get through it and reach a level of happiness or at least tolerance. And others just give up and either live in misery with a spouse they really aren't suited for or they get a divorce.
What drives me crazy about guys like this is fine you're divorced through no fault of your own (or so you claim) - why does the second wife have to be an untouched kunwari? Why doesn't he consider a divorced/widowed girl?
I've noticed that it's a lot easier for divorced guys to remarry - parents of the guy find million and one excuses to rationalize the failed marriage. Girls on the other hand have a tougher time living down the unfortunate stigma of divorce.
^The poster never specified whether or not this guy would consider a divorced or widowed woman. Quite a few guys do.
But you're right. There are a lot of divorced guys and their families who are perfectly happy rationalizing the guy's divorced status while condemning a girl for the very same thing. Such hypocrisy.
is the guy in question asking for a never before married girl? i did not read that..maybe i missed it.
as far as excuses go, there are plenty on both sides..
the fact that divorced girls have a tougher time is true, but its not that they dont give reasons for divorce, usual ones are he was abusive, he was cheating, ... right?
in our society there does not seem to be anything like just noting differences that can not be reconciled..as the cause of divorce...
^The poster never specified whether or not this guy would consider a divorced or widowed woman. Quite a few guys do.
But you're right. There are a lot of divorced guys and their families who are perfectly happy rationalizing the guy's divorced status while condemning a girl for the very same thing. Such hypocrisy.
I took it for granted based on this statement in the original post:
"Anyways, so my husband keeps bugging me to find a girl for him and I'm reluctant cuz I dont think a girl who has not been previously married would marry him. What do you girls think, are the girls here okay with marrying a divorced guy? Do you think I can approach some girls I know here or would they get offended?"
You're right, it doesn't mean that in this specific case he's not willing to consider a divorcee - but I've generally seen the parents of divorced guys in our social circle only want kunwaris for their sons...so I'm projecting :p
That's the problem X2 - when you hear of these kind of situations you only really get one side of the story. There's always two sides to every story. I'm sure the guys ex-wife would have a few things to say against him too. The fact that he is divorced as you said shouldn't be the main consideration - but the reason for the divorce should.
Mistral - totally agree with you that people get caught up in the 'love bubble' and don't think of real life until it actually kicks in and then they wake up and smell the coffee. I guess the guy in question must have tried to make it work if he stuck with it for 2 years and it was eventually his ex-wife that requested a divorce; not him.
I don’t know. Some of you guys have valid points, but the OP admits this guy KNEW that his wife was into clubbing and going out frequently prior to marrying her.
Why you think someone would change those habits afterwards and “settle down” is beyond me. Did he even have a conversation with her explaining these expectations? She wouldn’t have married him in the first place.
Sorry to say, but why wasn’t he looking for a less-clubbing type personality in the first place? If he wanted some desi attributes, why did he not look for a Pakistani girl to begin with? It’s very distasteful to me when guys run away from their culture and then come back with their tails between their legs when they realize what they’re missing by not having married a Pakistani girl. Are we not good looking enough? Are we not fun enough? I doubt it, but Pakistani men seem to think that Pakistani girls are lame, boring, and ugly. Well, then good luck with the non-desi crowd, and don’t come back complaining. :k:
I just think divorcing for these reasons was really ammature. Fine, she asked for the divorce, so it gives this guy some saving grace, but I want to know if he was nagging too much? Like was he saying “Oh don’t go to the club every night because its unsafe and I want to spend time with you here”…
or was he like all restrictive as in
stop talking to all your gora friends
stop having dinner dates with co-workers
just stay at home from now on and do all the housework
Because if you want all that, then just marry someone who is ok with sitting at home and doing all that. Don’t marry someone whose lifestyle is the direct opposite and then expect her to change. Very immature approach, IMHO.
The question is, how much has he changed from this sort of person. If he marries a Pakistani girl at this point, what changes does he want HER to make?
I took it for granted based on this statement in the original post...but I've generally seen the parents of divorced guys in our social circle only want kunwaris for their sons...so I'm projecting :p
Sorry - I wasn't trying to single you out or anything.
Friends? ;)
And yeah...you're right. Most desi parents do hold to that double standard of "our son may do as he pleases but your daughter must be beyond reproach."
Why you think someone would change those habits afterwards and "settle down" is beyond me. Did he even have a conversation with her explaining these expectations? She wouldn't have married him in the first place. Don't marry someone whose lifestyle is the direct opposite and then expect her to change. Very immature approach, IMHO.
You're absolutely right. But the thing is, most people AND their parents are very careless about this point prior to the wedding. Before the wedding, everybody is like "oh she's SO pretty" or "oh he's a DOCTOR" or "their house is beautiful" or "their family is so lovely" etc. And that's ok. You do have to consider things such as "will he be able to support a wife" or "are they attracted to eachother" and "what's the family like and will they be good to our child." But what ends up happening, IMO, is that people ONLY consider these things or they only consider what they like about the person to the exclusion of any negative qualities. And if they even give a thought to the boy or girl's negative qualities - they will tell their child not to worry about it because "all that changes after you get married." Which is a big fat delusion. Very little about the person's personality changes after marriage.