Re: Marital Problems
yuhiza let me tell u something u cannot chnge ur husband no matter how hard u try ... he will onli change if he wants too bt i doubt it as he seems like a very shakki man and the man who wnts to really control his wife
im sorry bt i dnt see y u do nt wnt a divorce if it ws mee i wud hve killed him by now hes so nt worth it .
its sik using religion to justiy his stupid moods
Re: Marital Problems
Dear Yuhiza,
After reading the entire bit from A to Z what u have written, i have to say my problem is the same as yours but of course different location and situation.
I have been married for 3 years now and have 2 daughters all thnx to my husband. YES i work as well. My husband hates me working... everyday we have an argument at home because of my work. YES i earn a lot more than him! whether i cook, serve him or give him love, he still is the same...
i m having 2 daughters now, but its impossible to live with him anymore... for the past 1 yr and a half i have shifted with my parents, because he beat me n tear open my forehead, result too much blood came out.. at that time i was pregnanat with my second child.
My parents have done everything for me where as this ....... didnt had this much guts to pay even our daughters birth hospital bills because we had a fight n i was both my babies times with my mum, so he didnt pay... thats what he says
im so depress cant tell, my parents dont want me to end this relation as im having daughters now....
Yuhiza! my husband has the same 1 million % attitude as urs!!! im tired of making him understand... which he will not!!!
Please advise, shall i leave him for good, but can the children survive w/o a father? :-(
Re: Marital Problems
You cannot continue to live like this forever. I think you need to have a 121 chat with your husband. Since you have a high pressured job, you shouldn't have any problem is communicating with him. If things aren't going to work out then its best to bite the bullet now rather than a few years later, especially if kids are involved or maybe involved later.
Re: Marital Problems
Arshad5,
Thnx for your advise, The problem is that he is very immature and behaves just like a teenager although he is 33 now.. when we discuss n come up to any solution he agrees to everything to calm the situation down but the fact of the matter is that he does watever he wants to do! its only 1 day that will pass calmly after our discussion but rest are all the same...
last time when he hit me... he was crying on the ph, begging me to come back n stuff when i left his house and swearing i will call ur father and apologize... when 2 days passed, he said im not going to talk to your dad if you want us to be together u have to convince ur parents, i will not call him n apologize.. and also i will not come and pick u and the kids from ur mums house, u have to come urself
i have a 2 year old and a 1 year old daughter :-(
Re: Marital Problems
For the sake of your daughters, you need to end this marriage. You are saying yourself that he will not change.. so... do you want your daughters to grow up around a man like that? Do you want them to watch him beat up their mother like an animal? What if he does the same to your daughters.. what will you do then? Staying with him isn't going to provide your kids any security, if anything, it's putting them at more danger and will kill their confidence and self esteem as they grow up.
Re: Marital Problems
Korn666 you have a bad influence at your home. There is NO compromise to abuse at all. Period.
For God sake consider u'r self a human. I can't imagine self respect can go so low. Weak mother will only make weak daughters. In 3 years its like that, can u imagine living with him for all u'r life. Please think. You gona live only once. Don't waste u'r and u'r children's whole life like that.
Allah may help u. Ameen.
Re: Marital Problems
Yuhiza, your husband has succeed in breaking you down and kind of ruin your self confidence. You are afraid to even tell him the thruth!WHY?! Have you thought of the fact that your position is much stronger than his at the moment and that you can actually use it in your favour by involving your family.
He has complex and thats why he keeps annoying you. You are a girl born n bred in UK having success and he is just an ordinary guy from PK having problems in settling in the new country. Now, IF this situation had been so for the first 6 months or 1 year one could understand that the man is going trough difficult time settling down BUT this has been going on for TWO years!!! and he was even asking you about bfs right after your wedding in PK. It just shows the level of his mentality!!
PLEASE PLEASE be careful with having kids withh this man at this stage in your marriage!!!and please dont fear your parents' reaction!!!!
My sister went through one hell of a difficult time with her husband and when my dad found it he HIMSELF told her to get a divorce after having tried everything. I was shocked cuz I though my dad would never support a divorce. My sister has 2 kids and didnt want to divorce for their sake and is still in that marriage. but that was her own choice..
I think our generation can have a tendency to generelize the mentality of our parents. Believe me no parents can live with the fact that their daughter is unhappy!!!
Go talk to your mother. Stay with her for a weekend and let your hubby have his friends over if that what he wants. You stay with your mum and tell her everyting from day 1. cry on her shoulder and ask her to help you. She is an experienced woman and will probably advice you well.
Dont expect any miracles to happen and that he'll change without you resisting or involving your parents whom he fears/respects!!
Re: Marital Problems
Arshad5,
Thnx for your advise, The problem is that he is very immature and behaves just like a teenager although he is 33 now.. when we discuss n come up to any solution he agrees to everything to calm the situation down but the fact of the matter is that he does watever he wants to do! its only 1 day that will pass calmly after our discussion but rest are all the same...
last time when he hit me... he was crying on the ph, begging me to come back n stuff when i left his house and swearing i will call ur father and apologize... when 2 days passed, he said im not going to talk to your dad if you want us to be together u have to convince ur parents, i will not call him n apologize.. and also i will not come and pick u and the kids from ur mums house, u have to come urself
i have a 2 year old and a 1 year old daughter :-(
It is your right to leave this man for good!I know its difficult with your daughters being so young but if you think your parents can help you out, then just leave him.
Your daughters need to have protection in their upbringing and a violent father cannot provide them that!!!!!
Re: Marital Problems
Arshad5,
Thnx for your advise, The problem is that he is very immature and behaves just like a teenager although he is 33 now.. when we discuss n come up to any solution he agrees to everything to calm the situation down but the fact of the matter is that he does watever he wants to do! its only 1 day that will pass calmly after our discussion but rest are all the same...
last time when he hit me... he was crying on the ph, begging me to come back n stuff when i left his house and swearing i will call ur father and apologize... when 2 days passed, he said im not going to talk to your dad if you want us to be together u have to convince ur parents, i will not call him n apologize.. and also i will not come and pick u and the kids from ur mums house, u have to come urself
i have a 2 year old and a 1 year old daughter :-(
My previous reply was directed at Yuhiza, sorry I had not read your post.
To hit your wife is bad. Even worse to hit her when she is pregnant. Then not paying the hospital bills. It makes me wonder if he a human being or some animal. I doubt a moron like him will change in the near future...he seems too immature to be in a relationship. Some people think especially after a woman has kids and in particular daughters that they can do anything and the wife will not leave. I think you will be better off without him. I am sure your daughters will grow up to be fine kids. You are not the only one in that position I am sure many women are in your position. In many cases its better to be happy alone than to be unhappy in a relationship. There is no point in wasting time...be decisive...make a decision and stick with it.
When married to a rational and a reasonable person sometimes a person can make some changes in her/his conduct in order to make the marriage successful, but when married to unreasonable people, or idiots nothing works. It takes two to make a marriage work and if he expects you to do all the compromising, then you haven't got a relationship to begin with.
Re: Marital Problems
Dear Yuhiza,
After reading the entire bit from A to Z what u have written, i have to say my problem is the same as yours but of course different location and situation.
I have been married for 3 years now and have 2 daughters all thnx to my husband. YES i work as well. My husband hates me working... everyday we have an argument at home because of my work. YES i earn a lot more than him! whether i cook, serve him or give him love, he still is the same...
i m having 2 daughters now, but its impossible to live with him anymore... for the past 1 yr and a half i have shifted with my parents, because he beat me n tear open my forehead, result too much blood came out.. at that time i was pregnanat with my second child.
My parents have done everything for me where as this ....... didnt had this much guts to pay even our daughters birth hospital bills because we had a fight n i was both my babies times with my mum, so he didnt pay... thats what he says
im so depress cant tell, my parents dont want me to end this relation as im having daughters now....
Yuhiza! my husband has the same 1 million % attitude as urs!!! im tired of making him understand... which he will not!!!
Please advise, shall i leave him for good, but can the children survive w/o a father? :-(
Korn666...May Allah grant you the best of this world and akhirah for your sabr (ameen).Why don't you just take a leave from your work for 10 days or so but stay at your own house.Tell him that you are not going to go back to the work anymore...see how it goes for those couple of days..if he supports you and your daughters financially well enough..see if he changes at all in those days.If this works out ,well and good ,if not then just do the istikhara and make decission according to your istikhara.
Re: Marital Problems
No relation is more important than you health/safety.
So keep breaking relation option open.
Guys from back home find western girl too liberal in the beginning. Eventually they learn you could judge people on their given environment.
He will learn to respect you after he learns about the society. But time it takes could be painful for you.
So its up to you if you want to give it a try.
Remember You are the boss, You control your decisions. Don't let your self go so far in depression where you start thinking stupid stuff.
Ending a relation is come miles before from that point!!!!!
Re: Marital Problems
Please advise, shall i leave him for good, but can the children survive w/o a father? :-(
Answer to one simple question should help you make your decision. Would you and your daughters survive if he does not come back home tomorrow for any given reason ?
He finds someone else and decides to runaway,he can die tomorrow on his way to work because of a car crash, an accident on the job etc then you and your daughters will have to survive anyway. He is not a positive influence and good role model for anybody . Your daughters will turn out to be good people if this bad egg is out of their lives. He does not want and love them . If he stays in their lives and they learn from his behavior they too will become psycho paths and will ruin the life of their husbands. For all practical purposes he is out of their lives and your life anyways. He does not have any love for you and your daughters . He uses you for satisfying his lust and your daughters are a way for him to blackmail you emotionally.
May Allah help you , have mercy on you and somehow bring a positive change in your life. Ameen.
Re: Marital Problems
Mirch is right, korn. staying with this man is worse off for your children than not staying with him. children are impressionable and they remember things and it forms their identity when the get older. do you want them to grow up in a household where their dear mother is always getting hurt? it will make them hate men and who knows how it will play out? they will think thats how their married lives will be and they will not want to get married.
please leave. life doesn't have to always be such a burden, like we are always needing sabr and its just something we have to put up with. sometimes the test God is giving us is not if we can continue to survive in this situation with sabr but rather if we have the courage to use His guidance, to realize how esteemed he has made women, and then to leave this situation where His view of women is NOT being realized.
what is the ayat from the Qur'an... Allah swt will not help out a believer until the believer helps himself out first....
Godspeed, korn and Yahuza. please do not let yourself be treated like this anymore. you have more strength and mental courage than you think.
Re: Marital Problems
Woah.
A few things.
You have FULL RIGHT to talk to your family about your experiences. You should absolutely tell your parents and ask them for help. The fact that he's so meetha in front of your parents shows you can use that as a weapon.
Be prepared for a full backlash if you anger him. And be strong enough to deal with it. If he emotionally pulls back from you and stops sleeping with you, then FINE. If he attempts to blackmail you, be prepared to hold something over his head. Be prepared for him to even try to take your money in a divorce situation.
If you have no love in your heart for him, be careful about getting pregnant. You get pregnant, and its just going to get uglier.
If the situation cannot be remedied, be prepared to think about divorce. He is abusing you, and you have a right to divorce yourself from such a situation.
Do not quite your job. Stay financially independent.
I cannot stress enough how important all that is. Everything else, regarding your spirituality, etc is up to you, but whether or not you're reading 5x namaz is really your personal matter and is unrelated to the way your husband treats you. When he himself does not behave like a good muslim, then your behavior as a muslim no longer is a barrier in the marriage.
Re: Marital Problems
[quote]
Korn666...May Allah grant you the best of this world and akhirah for your sabr (ameen).Why don't you just take a leave from your work for 10 days or so but stay at your own house.Tell him that you are not going to go back to the work anymore...see how it goes for those couple of days..if he supports you and your daughters financially well enough..see if he changes at all in those days.If this works out ,well and good ,if not then just do the istikhara and make decission according to your istikhara.
[/quote]
Dear Muslima21
I had left job for six months when my second daughter was born, in that period 3 months i stayed with him after her birth! he never ever use to give me money or anything to spend... a 100 uae currency per month, and for that also i had to give him details where i spent it. He never use to take me out, only went with his friends and coming late around 3 in the morning
The reason y we got seperated at that time was because i forced myself to work, i asked him, he didnt allow me so i went n started staying at my mothers house..
Dear All,
Thank you so much for your kind responses! yesterday we spoke over the phone and he was like, let me see if you dont have your job and your beautiful car wat will u do, how will u survive w/o it!!! he is forcing me to cover myself in hijab n stuff where as he is an addict alcoholic... i just cant tell u ppl what im going through... then he cries, i love my children and this n that!!!
To tell u the truth i am scared, like after divorce if he wants to see my daughters he will dirty mind them about me, saying them false things n stuff... what shall i do... im so confused :-(
Re: Marital Problems
Hi Yuhiza,
Your story is very depressing indeed and a type that makes one feel helpless. I am not too experienced with such a sensitive relationship of husband-wife but there are a few things i can still suggest you.
Every marriage whether love,arranged always takes its time. I have heard my mother,khalas,aunts,etc say this a number of times that in the initial 2-3 years of your marriage you have to compromise a lot and many a times you will have to give in but its like building a house. If the basic building blocks are set than the entire house is strong. Afterwards,things just fall into place themselves. like you've been strong till now keep your patience!
Even if you get a divorce (God Forbid) it will take a lot of time to recover from it and in your situation it will have a very ripple effect on your family. Your parents and many relatives will have to leave that family and lots of walls are formed in such cases. I am not saying you need to be the 'balli ka bakra' but i would still say that family divorces create a big mess so put in your level best!...the max u can....
I would say you should escalate your steps in the following manner.
First, try your best by doing everything he wants .. pray to God, make him his favourite dishes, put his things in order, PRAISE him, pamper him, go to his favourite places, press his clothes .. basically make him dependent on U so that he realizes what importance you hold in his life. Show it to him that he holds importance in your life and you love him! See if any change occurs. With this i would say it is a problem from your end too that you dont communicate with him much. You are more of the quieter person type. But still go for it .. tell him your deepest of things .. just general what you would want for him, for you, etc etc. I would STRONGLY say DO NOT LEAVE YOUR JOB no matter what...becuase then you'll be at home 24/7 and ull just keep wondering about ur life, what it is what will happen blah blah, secondly you will be dependent on him for money which will irritate him if there is a financial need and ofcourse it will be a problem for u too to beg for everything u need.
Secondly, if the first thing doesn't work then tell your parents the exact currect situation. Tell them what youve been thru, what are his good things/bad things, why have u been compromising etc .. everything. tell them to talk to him and make things work
Thirdly, if the first 2 dont work then tell his parents about it and tell them to do something.
Fourthly, if this doesnt work either. this doesnt normally happen in pakistan and with pakistani citizens but if need be, since ur in Uk, it is just a random idea may not be too useful .. go meet a marriage consultant.They try to increase communication and the gap and put things in order
lastly, if none work then (GOD FORBID) go for it and get rid of this marriage!
I personally think, the situation isnt that bad .. many women are at a much more patheticccccc situation.some get beaten by their hubbies,some raped,some are married o alcoholics who just eat upo their money, some are total servants etc etc. For your end, things are average,they can be made good. Tackle things positively! It is the most impirtant decision of your life so tackle it the same way .. give it alll your time, think it thru, go to the highest extent and i hope you'll be back on this forum with a happy-go-lucky self Insha Allah.:)
take care,keep us updated.:biggthumb
Re: Marital Problems
Yuhiza
It seems to me like he's got an inferiority complex..
I agree with HappyGoLucky post above; following step 1 should hopefully get rid of the complex..
May Allah help you
Re: Marital Problems
Good Lord, 2 years iwth this nonsense, why are you still with him!!!!
Tell your parents, i'm sure they wudnt want you to even be stuck with this loser for hte rest of ur life, ull be surprised, parents can say the complete opposite of what u xpected.
Re: Marital Problems
I think HgoL she tried everything she could have in those 2 years and the person didnt change himself.
Re: Marital Problems
Saadia, I am sure she tried but i am just saying that she knows whether or not it was her level best. I think she should give it her best before calling it off. Most improtantly, like Yuhiza said she doesnt want a divorce so she should surely go the extra mile to take it what it takes to get this marriage on the right track! Also, the effects of divorcing shouldnt be forgotten .. we all know it is a miserable life altogether too till luckily u r one of those forutnate ones who get a good proposal again. So Yuhiza, you should put in your bestest best this time and then weigh your options and go for whatever you choose ...