Hi All,
This is a typical scenario which you probably hear about a lot on a day to day basis. For me its my whole life and the reason I have come to this forum is I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this and the users on this forum are froma similar cultural background so may be able to come back with useful suggestions.
I am a UK born and have been brought up here but with a good/mix of easter western values. Actually had a very strict upbringing, don’t drink, not interested in clubbing. Like going out to retstaurants, holidays pretty ok stuff. Parents very focused on education and have MashAllah done eally well in terms of education and career.
As soon as I graduated my parents wanted me to marry a cousin in Pakistan (parents not very open minded when it comes to marriage) who is educated but me or parents didn’t know aything else about it. Being from my mums family had a lot of pressure to get married to him which i gave into it. I resisted initially as everyone does.
On the other hand my husband now was very insistent and chose to address my concerns and showed himself to be very open minded and understandin as we totally different. HE comes from a family where hijab is a basic, to sum up a very conservative family. The women don’t go out much, focus on education, strictly no free mixing, pressure to observer ‘Purdah’ even niqab. They are not allowed to watch televisionin there house. On the wedding they didn’t take photographs or any recordings. No mehndi etc.
I’m telling this to give a background on things and how they live its great. From the above someone would thing very pious but no they have a taste of materialistic things and not having a very financially strong background they are very greedy, a contrast to the religious environment but its there.
I come froma family where we pray our namaz but go out as a family, have family friends, and not as strict as my inlaws. No pressure to cover my head, wear short sleeves etc. And my parents provided me with a fairly luxurious life.
Now my husband knew that i wore western clothes, didn’t wear a hijab but wanted to marry as now I have come to learn that wanted to settle here.
I don’t know where to start about what I have been going through to make my marriage work but whatever it is has resulted in me being depressed, constantly living with a headache, nosebleeds due to stress and even feeling suicidal. I have a lot of pressure to make this marriage work mainly due to the whole family don’t see what I go through and I will be the bad ‘one’ in this.
I feel i don’t have anyone to talk about so please treat this thread with sensitivity.
Okay have been married for two years. Since the very first day had problems but only realising now or opening my eyes to everything. Since the very first day my husband wanted to know about previous boyfriends, how sexually experienecd I was. Little things like getting to open my suitcase to check the clothes my parents had given me. Obviously not being so obvious. He wanted to know if I had other rishtas.
Within two weeks of marriage while in pakistan wanted to know was there any way his brothr could get a job in UK or not. Mentioning about his sister how they had turned down a rishta bcoz the household had a very struct(in terms of religion) environment. this conv was possibly due me having a brother who is a good catc as my MIL made an attempt with my parents.
On the Walima day my husband was in a mood and when was taken to Hall told me to cover my front and got angry.
Since then he has had objections to my clothes and consistently gone on about it. He has turned into a very difficult person to live with. Objecting to why i wear so many creams on my face. He won’t kiss me as they have alcohol init. Himslef he is happy to use moituriser.
He like going out and ever since he has come to UK I have taken him to expensive restaurants and wherever I can. Thing is I hold a very high pressured job which he doesn’t agree with but is happy to blow the money.
I am not allowed to go oyt with my friends when he since thet day has landed been on the phone to his friends here in UK and always going out with them any chance he gets. When we go out its a nightmare as can’t eat bcoz he doesn’t trust that the meat is ‘Halal’ and when he is out with his friends no problem.
Even with me taking him out it has been u didn’t take me or we still haven’t been here.
In the midst of this i purchased a house with my dad taling time off to help me with the purcahse.
My parents gave me money as part of Jahez which my in laws insisted should be put into the bank immediately and it was. My husband got me to sign a few blank checques and have being trying to get the money over but for the past few months husband hasn’t managed to do that.
Hubby has appeared to be a very selfish character, just wantingto go out, have good food while i don’t have any needs.
Doesn’t like me talking to male colleagues or the clothes I wear and apparently i stress him out a lot when i’m the one with deteriorating heath.
This just the tip of problems but basically he wants me to be shut in the house while he can enjoy himself in peace. I have nothing to hide, don’t have a past. He checks all my emails, FB, any accounts and I justify any additions to msn but have never tried to stop it as thought have nothing to hide and will make him trust me. He checks my phone has gone through my bills to check a number of an old male friend from uni who i have broken contact with as he didn’t like it.
I can go on and on but really need help. I want o make this work form my parents sake. I don’t know if i love him or not.. I can sit there and tears coming to my eyes all the time. I know i’m not happy and the only thing keeping me going is my job.
What can i do to make it work?? Am i in the wrong. I’m not perfect I have made mistakes in this relaionship but have taken on a lot too. Supporting, helping him look for a job. Help him settle here. I feel I haven’t got anything back.
Lived with his sarcastic comments the worse ones being ‘chehray pe nahoosat hai’ etc etc.