Is this anger right for inlaws....?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Allhamdullilah I am happily married and living in usa, my inlaws live in Pakistan, very well off, have 3 daughter in laws and one daughter.
My parent live here in usa and have one daughter in law.
The thing thats bugging me a bit is (or may be a bit too much sumtimes) my parents treat me, my sister and my bhabi the same way. if my mom is to buy something for me, she has to buy it for my sister and my bhabi as well. When my brother got married she gave my bhabi more jewlwery then she gave to us sisters during our weddings. because she says that its her daughter in law and she is suppose to do it more to make her feel comfortable in our family.

on the other side, the jewelry i got from my in laws was minimal. and when my nand got married, she got triple the amount of jewelry from my mother in law then i did form her. I tried to be ok with it as its her daughter and the way she feels whats right is different. we always keeps sending them gifts that they request all the time because my husband feels obligated to do that (besides a good husband he is also a good son and good brother). but in return i always get the cheapest fabric clothes, even if they have seen the dresses i get made for myself and they know i dont wear those kind of clothes. but my nand sends me a dress really cheap made and then 2 weeks later she tells me that she got 5 dresses made from bareeza shop when she was at her moms… (at the same time when she bought my dress). Looking at all this pampering that she gets through, i feel i dont get that kind of pampering from both side neither from my parents nor from my in laws… am i being over sensitive on this? I feel to my mom i am at the same level as my bhabi, and to my in laws i am just a DIL, who is an outsider… and they gotta do everything they can for their own daughter…
sometimes i get all this anger filled in my for my inlaws that i feel it shouldnt be that way… how do i get rid of these negative feelings besides thing like these happening constantly?

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

Yes, anger is good, you should think about these things more often to fuel your anger. Once you reach a satisfactory level of unvented anger, get on a flight to pakistan. While you are on the flight, continue to think about why you are angry and frustrated, this should fuel your anger even more.

Once you are in pakistan, go to your in-laws house and shoot them, making sure their daughter gets one in the head too.

That will be an end to your problems... In-laws, who needs them?

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It's okay my dear my mom use to do that kind of things too.

Don't worry be happy.

The problem you have got is all because of your nand. She is continuously teasing you by giving cheap gifts and telling you about hers.

I think you might have told her or you in law about what your mom did or they know it.

Don't give attention to what your SIL says and your problem will be solved.

Sis kisi kay diaay huway cheez say zindagi naheen guzarti so why do give so much value to those things.

One of my sister give lots of gifts to her in laws for almost a decade. She even gave her husband land to them when they asked but they never ever give her a sing penny. Even a single dua but instead gave badduas and kicked her out. She is so careless still love them call them. Force her husband to talk to them. Even her husband don't want to talk to them. Her in laws never calls. Give buddua directly to her. Make false accusations. But still ask for BIG MONEY. She is so careless. She says I'll get reward from Allah.

Se become careless about your in laws specially your SIL behaviour and talking always cut her out when she would start saying things which bother you.

Also become careless about your mom too.

Believe in Allah he will give you gr8 things through your husband Insha Allah.

You become over sensitive about this very stupid matter.

Don't ever ever ever give importance to material. It's nothing.

I know it's hard but not imposible.

So cheer up. Love to give to your in laws to make Allah happy. He will give you more. Beleive me.

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

Hmmm...

Okay, if I were you I wouldnt care too much about how much jewelry I got or am getting from inlaws or parents. I would go to my husband and tell him I want to go shopping and blow some cash. End of that problem.

Now, as for clothing...why do you care about the kind of gifts you get from them? For me, its always been where I like what I like and not many people get that. So I dont really expect amazing gifts from people, Im too picky when it comes to clothes.

Has it always been like this? Did something happen and all of a suddent you started getting bad stuff? If its really really bugging you, I would do this:

Call them one day and say you're running low on good clothes and need something more your taste in your closet. Dont say you need them for a special occasion. Send them some money and tell them where to go and what your favorite fabrics, styles, etc are. This way, you've made your point, gotten some new clothes and educated them with minimal effort. :)

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Confused,

You MashaAllah have so much to be grateful for. You have a mother who treats her daughter-in-law the same way that she treats you (her daughter). You have parents who have set such a positive example of how in-laws should treat their daughter-in-law fairly. You have a husband who loves you very much, and if there were a Bareeze in your local area, he wouldn’t hesitate to buy you the fabrics/suits to your liking.

^These are the people that should matter the most in your life because they love you sincerely. I understand that you’re feeling upset about the difference in treatment you’re receiving from your in-laws. You have the right to feel upset especially since you and your husband make sure to send good quality gifts to your in-laws…they should at least send you something decent.

Being upset is understandable, but please don’t let this turn into hatred. Don’t let it consume you. Your in-laws are not worth your wasted energy. I think you should do as **Psquared suggested and the next time you’re on the phone with your in-laws…let them know that you’re running low on the LATEST desi trends and would appreciate it if they could send you some nice, good quality, trendy outfits. Do you have your sister-in-law’s email address? If you do, then you can send examples (pictures) **of the type of Bareeze outfits you want. That way…if you send pictures of the exact style you want…your in-laws will have a harder time trying to “cheat” you. When my mom and I want certain style of outfits from Pak, we will sometimes email pictures of examples…and so far Alhumdolillah it has works. If you cannot send pictures, then the other suggestion that I have is that you TELL your in-laws that “I have visited the Bareeze website on the computer and I’ve seen ALL the latest designs and fabrics and I would like for you to get me one of the embroidered mirrored style suits.” (Be SPECIFIC about the design you want). This way your in-laws will think to themselves that they can’t cheat you because you have seen all the designs on the website and plus you are telling them EXACTLY and **SPECIFICALLY **what type of design you want (embroidered, mirrored, chiffon, etc). In my opinion, I feel that your in-laws are probably thinking that since you don’t live in Pakistan, they can trick you and buy the cheapest quality fabric and send it to you as if it was the latest trend. They probably think you won’t know the difference. So get smart…here are the website links for latest desi fashions for your benefit:

http://www.gulahmed.com/html/sec_1024/women_section.htm

Sefam Online

Shalwar Kameez, Pakistani Wedding Lehenga, Indian Lenghas Choli Bridal Dresses

***********If your in-laws are concerned about paying out of their own pockets, consider asking your husband to buy desi clothes for you. Or perhaps if you have other relatives living in Pakistan, you can order from them. These days, many people who have visited Pak will bring back the latest fashions to the US sell in their homes. You can take that route as well. Please don’t let clueless tactless cheap in-laws rule degrade your soul by filling it with hatred. Let them go, they’re too stupid to even know about social etiquette and fairness. Forgive them because there are more important things in your life than clothes.

Saudis expel a guy from saudi arabia for being 'too handsome'
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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

It seems it in the nature of our sex to complain about everything - we complaing about horrible parents-in-laws and now we have resorted to complaining about nice parents-in-law. It seems we can never be happy unless we have something to complain about!!

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Thanks Redvelvet, these comments and advices are so true from heart... you know what... I try to let it go and something like this happens again and that just brings me back old memories as well.....
I just came back from Pakistan and got all the dresses i wanted, but the thing that they just send me a cheap dress just makes me feel mad....
My sister in law has a very decent sense of fashion but only for herself.... she get most of her dresses designer made, and then when it comes to buying something for me, its the cheapest lowest quality...
I once sent pictures of the dresses i liked and i told her to get them made on raw silk... but when I got them, it was totally different design then what i originally had sent and a very cheap silk, wasnt even close to raw silk.....and she told me that she liked that material better, and the pics i sent her, she couldnt find the designs and no one was willing to make those so she just picked some other.... all this after i got the dresses, she didnt mention anything before when she bought....
and the thing is they ask me what i want and when i tell them i never get the same thing.... i even once told them to stop buying fabric and just get me few dresses from Miss Soni in lahore, i liked their dresses had few of them... she goes there and buys the ugliest dress..... so i never asked to her to buy readymade for me again....
and now i keep telling them not to send me anything and she sends me this and then keeps asking her brother if i liked it and of course he sayss yeah its very nice and she loves it....
i feel insulted when they do this, that they think i wear these things....
I have told them that i dont wear these dresses on daily basis so i dont really need the home wear, only something to wear when i go somewhere etc, but my MIL came and most of dresses she brought was marina and cotton, simply sticthed.... i am always in trousers and t shirts at home....so they are useless to me and they know it....
Anyways, you are right I should be thankful for so many things in my life and not worry about these things but it gets hard sometimes....
I should be better in mangaing my emotions.....

Thanks!

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

you know - keep this in mind forever!

No matter what in-laws are ALWAYS going to support hubby and their own daughter ONLY - be it materialistic things or things they do wrong .. in-laws will still see them as "perfect"...

I think as DIL, we should NEVER COMPARE what they give to their OWN daughters, and how much less or cheap stuff they give us. Do not keep an expectation that you WANT something from them. Do not think of how much they gave their daughter.... and so on.

I think if I want something, I would ask hubby to get it for me. If in any case he refuses, then I would see how urgent or important it is for me to get that stuff. Then I would just buy it with my personal savings. That's what I would do.

I think of it this way - we all are "here" for "some" time. What I get is a reflection of WHO I am to others. They will give me more if my nature towards them was GODLY too.

So be happy with what you have or go and get it by yourself. (Not meant to be rude to you - but that's how I would do)...

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

Well, if you REALLY insist on not shooting them, then go ahead and blow the cash, as PSquared says.

Really, if you cannot have something satisfactory for going out in sent from Pakistan, then get something locally and make your husband pay lots of $$$ for it, whilst you openly lament the fact that you have to fork out lots of $$$ to buy something from here just bcos no one understands you in Paks and cannot get you what you want.

Next time any of the in-laws send you rubbish, you must tell your husband that you do not have closet space for something you will never wear, and take them to a charity shop as soon as possible.

BTW, if you send stuff to them in Paks, make sure you send them something equally as rubbish as they get you.

Don't get mad, get even.

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thats not true

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no.. this anger is completely wrong

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

It's totaly normal confused to get hurt and get angry. All emotions, pain and angryness are natural. But Don't give importance to damn things. Just give importance to your happyness and your health. Leave it on Allah.

You got hurt it's good you shared it here. Don't worry about some rude answers. Ppl here are so very to rude new ppl too instead of welcoming and behaving and showing love. They don't even have sypathy for ppl who have some problem.

Thanks for asking and letting me share my part. Ignore harsh post. They are just youngsters.

Last person to post in this thread wins!
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Confused,

Your sister-in-law probably thinks that if she spends too much money on someone else, then she will not have enough money left over to buy herself high-quality clothes. Believe me, if she does this to YOU.........then she MUST do the same thing to OTHER PEOPLE. If she can be so cheap toward her brother's wife.......then she must also be cheap when it comes to buying gifts for her friends and other relatives.

What i'm trying to say is that her behavior is not only directed especially toward you. Rather, this is most likely how she generally treats people when giving gifts.....with the exception of her immediate family (such as her own mother, siblings, etc).

I wish there was some way you could nicely hint to your SIL about the gifts that she sends you. For example, if you could say something like "I like the design, it's pretty, but the material of the fabric doesn't seem durable.".......that's a more subtle way of hinting that the quality is not that good.

Or while thanking your SIL, you can something like, "Thank you for the gifts. I know that as my sister-in-law, you would treat me as your own sister and that you would buy me dresses that are of the same quality as your own dresses. And I appreciate this consideration of yours.".................This way you are thanking her in a kind way and this will hopefully make her feel guilty about what she is doing. (If you think these ideas will work, try them out). ;)

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

you know what i did when my cousins kept sending me rubbish suits whilst i had sent something really nice? i sent them them a similar style suit back? and then i phoned them and said since you getting me these lovely ( i.e rubbish) suits i assumed you bought them for me because you liked them too, so i bought one for you too.....

so you see, they now think that the reason you think they bought it is because they genuinely like the crap they sent..so you send something like that back and make out like its something they would wear......

15

^that's not a bad idea, Nadz. Confused could try it out. She could send an inferior quality suit to her in-laws and pretend that it's "lovely." And say something along the lines as Nadz has suggested such as "Oh, I wanted to get you a suit. Since you always get me these type of clothes, I thought you would like them for yourself as well. I really do hope you will like the outfit."

LOL LOL LOL. You've got guts, Nadz. ;)

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

next time you can buy things from 4
$ store also $tree

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

confused - trust me i knw how you feel -

sending them something similar back is a way of bringing yourself down to their level and trust me you dont want to do that (sry RV & Nadz - i dont agree with u), woh jo bhi dete hain i think pyaar se accept karlena chahiye, usko tum aage use karo ya na karo thats upto you. Your nand gets a reaction from you whenever she see's the look on your face after she mentions her shopping spree and thats exactly what she wants, the moment you stop giving her that 'look' of defeat and maybe even a little jealousy she might take the hint that you dont care -
plus, jo insaan doosre ke liye waisi hi cheez pasand na kare jo apne liye karta hai Allah ke ghar mein uska muqaam bahut chota hota hai - kyunke uss mein hasad mila hota hai - so breathe and dnt take it to heart.

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

Man, too many in-laws problems! Why are these in-laws sooo mean!!

I don't think you should lose sleep over this. Who cares? Do you have any other family or friends back in Pakistan? If you do, ask them to send you your clothes, not your in-laws. And let your in-laws know that your taste in clothes is different than theirs so they shouldn't send any more clothes. You said you're happily married and they are all the way in Pakistan so who cares about what they send? Granted, they are very cheap but maybe they're jealous you get to live here comfortably while they are stuck there!

Just keep the clothes in the back of your closet and pack them in your 'giving-away' suitcase when you go to Pakistan!

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Re: Is this anger right for inlaws....?

Confused,

If you KNOW for sure that you are not going to wear the clothes that your in-laws send you, then give those clothes to someone who can use them...or perhaps the needy even.

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Any person, whether they be a DIL, MIL, BIL, whatever - who weighs and evaluates relationships based on material things - is setting themselves for nothing but doom.

Good luck to you ladies in achieving peace of mind and contentment.

NJJJJJJJJJJ - good, good, good stuff.

I love reading stuff that is true to the core. Not psychobabble stuff from textbooks.

Was your masters in family politics?

Timepass April 2013