I saw my ‘ex’ with his wife and kids when passing by with my husband. Its been ages since he left me to marry the girl of his mother’s choice and I havent thought much about him even though I havent forgotten him totally either.
When I saw him so happy with his family something happened to me. I didnt know how to react. I just passed by with my husband and didnt look at them while his wife was standing there giving me the look (she knows about me cuz his mother had told her mother before settling their rishta) so I really dont get it why she gives me that look whenever she sees me. She knew about me when she said yes and I havent had any contact with him since he left so she doesnt have anything to fear from my side at least.
Ever since I saw him I have felt this disturbance inside me. I dont know what it is. I dont love him anymore.In fact I hate the way he treated me when our parents were involved in our rishta talk. and I hate the way he just left me cuz his mother lied to him about fake threats.
but then why do I feel this disturbance? and I want to see him again and talk to him to let him know how bad he treated me.
But then I think that for what sake?
I love my husband. we have a perfect life together. we love each other and enjoy our life together.
why do I still have the need to meet x and tell him off and let go of my frustrations…its been 9 years…
he was my first love…i never thought i would meet someone else after him…i was pure in my intentions and actions but I guess he wasnt…
now i have a husband with a pure heart…someone i feel i have deserved.
Its a pretty common psychological thing. If you see someone who broke up with you, you would want to see them miserable. Seeing them happy is not easy to gulp down no matter how much we tell other people or say to ourselves that good for them. Deep down, there is always this strong dislike and emotions of revenge.
Having said that I guess its needless to say that the guy seems like a looser and you're probably better off now.
You want answers that have been left unsaid, but for what?? what difference will it make to your present life?
You have moved on, to your own admission have a great life with your husband, don't rock that boat for something that happened 9 years ago.
The only way to get the satisfaction you crave against him is to really show how much you genuinly love your current life, and that your well and truly over him.
You're probably feeling the need to say all these things to him because you didnt get a chance to get this off your chest 9 years ago. Emotionally, to move on all of us need some sort of closure and you didnt have that.
However, at some point that need for closure could become a poison that may ruin 4 lives: yours, your husband's, your ex's and his wife's. In this situation, doing anything will do more bad than good.
Spend some alone time with your husband and remind yourself of what you have with HIM. You will be fine, Inshallah.
It's a natural feeling as the others have pointed out. When we've been hurt by someone......it doesn't necessarily have to be an ex............it can be friends and relatives.......................IF we have not received closure..................the desire to express our hurt lingers.
^This does not mean that you haven't moved on. You say that you don't love him, this is the indication that you've moved past him. But it's normal for us.....when we've been treated unjustly........to let the offender know how we felt.
Closure basically refers to venting your feelings to the one that has wronged you. However, it CAN **be difficult to obtain the desired closure for several reasons. For example, sometimes it's not possible to get a hold of the offender. And other times..........even if you do get the chance to express your feelings to the offender.........the offender might be so narrow-minded and inconsiderate that he/she will **NEVER acknowledge his/her mistakes or show remorse. In such situations........it is up to YOU **to provide **YOURSELF with closure by reflecting over the lessons you've learned.....being grateful for what you have now.........and by thanking the jerk for teaching you (through his non-examples) the true meaning of love, committment, trust....and just basic good character.
As **Psquared **suggested, spend time with your husband in making your marriage even stronger. Focus on the accomplishing the goals that you both have set and also focus on developing yourself as an individual too.
The reason you felt disturbed is because most people feel akward running into those they share an uneasy relationship with. As I said earlier, it's not only confined to exes. People feel weird around their former bosses........former crushes........former friends..........former colleagues........former crushes.............you name it.........you'll feel an emotional disturbance in meeting someone who screwed you over in some way or the other.
Now about the "weird look" that his wife gave you...........you never mentioned what kind of look it was, lol. Was it a scared look? An angry look? Evil look? Dirty look? A nervous look? A constipated look? If she appeared nervous or scared or uneasy.......it's natural. Most women would feel weird around their husband's former flames. However, if she was giving you the stare of death...................she's insecure and immature. And you're handling the situaion a lot better than her, lol.
They say that happiness is the best revenge, Chameli. Don't allow yourself to become sad over someone who can't respect you. It's not worth it. Revel in what you have......and it'll show to the world (and him) that you're happy and secure with the way life has turned out. Also, I believe in the power of what goes around comes around. Somehow......some way.......what we put out there........good or bad.......has a strange way of finding us. You say that your ex appears happy. Ever hear of the saying, "The grass always appears greener on the other side"? It's possible that he's happy in public.....and miserable behind the four walls of his own home. It's possible he's not fully satisfied with your life as you are. It's also possible that.......days/weeks/months/years.......down the road........he'll be screwed over by someone in the same way you were. Maybe someone whom he trusts (a relative, friend, coworker) will betray his trust the same way yours was betrayed. But don't wait for him to receive his just deserts.........Allah knows the best time to teach lessons. Meanwhile concentrate on making your life even better than it is now :)
Also, as Psquared, metioned above.......sometimes it's easier to confront the offender.....and other times it can be a risky situation.
Confronting your ex is one of those "risky" situations. The guy broke your trust in the past........there is no telling he won't do it again. Hypothetically speaking, what if you confront him about his past behavior..........and he tells his wife that you met up with him. Some couples share every single detail of their day with one another. What if the wife....out of spite......tries to defame your reputation. This could potentially affect your marriage. Or what if the loser feels no guilt over how he behaved and leaves you hanging once more without an apology. Or what if......in the hopes of an ego boost......he becomes flirtatious? It has the potential to backfire......so let God take care of him.
I remember your story, Chameli - when you were married to the first guy!!!
(Jeez, have I been here for like 9 years??)
Anyway, glad to know you moved on, becuase I remember how miserable you were with that guy and how rude he was. He just married you and then didn't even treat you with any respect.
You keep reminding yourself that.
What you're probably experiencing is feelings of "Well, what is she doing that I wasn't to make it work?"
And the deficiency is not in you. That guy is
a) more older now, and more mature, and probably doesn't want another divorce
b) the girl was picked by his mom, so just as she made sure you were out of the picture, she probably makes sure this girl stays IN the picture.
Typical story of a spineless male who's entire life is manipulated by his mother. I wouldn't have any regrets.
Glad to hear you're happy now with your husband. :)
hey...i think its normal to feel like this cos someone who u wer married to is now married to someone else..its quite an awkward situation....i dont think the feeling u felt was that u felt like u still like him cos u know what happend and how he hurt u...i think the feeling was more like that of shock...i dnt think u expected to see him suddenly on that day...and also i think his wife was just looking at u cos she sees u as a 'rival' i guess...which is ridiculous..
No matter how much we hate or feel indifference towards our ex's...when we see them at a different point in our lives...it almost feels like someone punched you. You dont want to be with him again, but you definitely want to give him a piece of your mind and tell him all of those things you werent able to before.
You replay the meeting again and again and pinpoint what you would have done differently had you been just slightly more prepared.
His wife looked at you funny because on some level...she is competing with you. You may not be, but she definitly is.
If you react in anyway, you will be asking for trouble...lots of it so dont.
People who truly wrong you pay the price for it at some point. Maybe not right then and there, maybe a year later, mayb 9 years later. :) Just be satisfied knowing that even after all these years, there is still something his wife needs to compete with.
I feel sorry for your husband. He is married to a woman who thinks about another man. That has gotta suck.
naheen CM its not sick. Its natural. Important thing is she is faithful to hubby. She values her presence in her life.
Once some one leaves/rejects you, you have that emotional scar for a long long time.
Its worst then leaving some one at the peak of love.
I have seen my friends crying over Ex-wives for years. Once Ex-wives try to patch up, my friends didn't want them and got over that feeling.
PlayStation:ThreadStarter I used word reject, for give me for that. Some one could be the best person on the planet still can have separation imposed on them by her/his partner.
Partner could be low-level. Its only time and your conduct over the years proves who was right and who was the wrong.
I am not saying or even implying that she has romantic intentions or intentions to cheat. However after 9 years if the guy has such an affect on her that she freezes up and feels uncomfortable there are feelings present there.
Its not rocket science. The opposite of love is not hate. Its apathy. If you have moved on and have no feelings for said person their presence does not affect you.
The fact that you still wish to speak with him and meet with him is what I find disturbing and I stand by my comments. Your husband is getting a raw deal.
Like RV said earlier...this doesnt apply to only romantic relationships. It applies to any and all relations we have with people: friendships and romance.
If someone you loved treated you wrongly, things ended and they left without giving you the chance to let out your frustration...you would always have this feeling of regret. Regret that you didnt tell them what you really thought of them, that you didnt stand up for yourself, you let someone walk all over you, treat you bad, disrespect you, etc. Even if you suppress those feelings of rage or anger, they come back when you see the person again and make you wish you had said what was on your mind.
Judging from her posts, I highly doubt she wants to be with him again or loves him. I think she was treated badly, maybe didnt stand up for herself at the time and therefore let herself down. This is her way of redeeming herself in her own eyes...if that makes any sense.
I understand you 100%. Only reason I differ from you is that I have seen atleast 4 of those ppl.
Its not love CM trust me, its hurt ego. Its worst. I am extremely sure if the guy in question comes back on knees asking chameeli to take him back, she will kick his butt. And would feel a million LBS lifted off her chest.
I have seen it. Guys loving thier new wives to death and still have that "phans" <--urdu wala. from rejection. And rejection from girls who don't even qualify to be their maids.
CM,
I can see where you are coming from but matters like these are not black & white. Just because she wants to give her piece of mind to the ex doesn't mean she is still interested in him. May be she wants him to know that she is much much better without him. It's normal with people who have had multiple relationships and I am assuming her present husband was aware of the situation before he got married to her.
Yes which comes back to my point. Not having closure is one thing. Which she obviously doesn't. But the desire to meet with him and speak with on the matter is a bit more than just not closure.
Closure does not require a face to face meeting. It does not linger for 9 years, people get over stuff. If she has not found closure in 9 years then there is more to it.
Edit: My contention is not she wants him back or that she will take him back. That is an assumption you all are making. My point is that she has not achieved closure in 9 years. And that is a bit odd. Secondly I do question her desire to meet him. Not in the aspect that she is head over heals madly in love with him. But she does still have a certain level of feelings for him even after 9 years.
It was a momentary emotional glitch, don’t beat yourself up. It’s not worth talking your ex, you will never find this elusive ‘closure’. You have already won, you are happily married and he is stuck with a wife that will never trust him.