any idea whats going on

[soconfused]

Re: any idea whats going on

[QUOTE]
i don't think it's about the potential FIL having another motive I think she just found it inappropriate that he was discussing romance with her...which is understandable...everyone has their own sensibilities
[/QUOTE]

yeah, I just am not comfortable with an adult male that I don't really know discussing how to romance his son...it just struck me as an odd conversation.

[QUOTE]
Fair enough. I misunderstood what OP was stating. And you are right - we all have our sensibilities re: what is appropriate and what is not.

Having said that, from my perspective, the potential FIL is only trying to help. OP's preference for adult-adult communication resolving the matter is not going to work (since at least two parties here are not adults).

Bottom line, OP does appear to be interested in the boy. It seems trivial and extraneous matters are coming in the way.

If OP's instincts tell her FIL is a decent guy (albeit with a bit inapporpriate approach from her perspective), she needs to ensure she does not hastily reject this proposal on trivial grounds.

She has 3 choices
1) have the adults sort it out - not going to happen
2) reject the proposal and move on
3) Move forward - the FIL is trying to help here - so adjust her sensibilities for the greater good - her future.

I will say the OP is fortunate to have cariing folks such as yourself who spoke up on her behalf re: sensibilities. I can see I may have been a tad too insensitive. I could have chosen my words more carefullt.

[/QUOTE]

I don't think the FIL is a creeper or trying to hit on me or something disgusting like that, I'm just confused to his approach. The cynical part of me wonders if he's trying to get me to fall for the son so that I'm willing to override my parents and demand I marry him (since HIS family's SUPER interested and I think they feel like their mother's EFF up probably ruined any chance of us getting married at this point). But thank you for also giving me another option. I initially thought he was trying to help but I think I panicked at the mention of a quickie wedding AND the whole romance stuff which I'm not used to discussing openly with anyone.
He hasn't responded back after my email telling him that I'm really uncomfortable so I'm hoping he got the message.

[Southie]

Re: any idea whats going on

^ And my apologies for choosing my words poorly! We are all rooting for you.

[Spiral]

Re: any idea whats going on

This is what I think happened....

You aren't the only girl they are talking to or interested in. They must be talking to someone else too. When the thought everything was well and fine with the other party .... they must be more interested in them then you. They wanted a reason to end rishta process with your family hence the whole drama. The other party rejected their son so they come running back to you.

[soconfused]

Re: any idea whats going on

^ And my apologies for choosing my words poorly! We are all rooting for you.

it's all good, no worries!

[chaibiskut]

Re: any idea whats going on

Some initial thoughts :

1) You say you haven't known the guy long, but know that he's "AMAZING." - I would rethink this assessment.

2) After the mother had a hissy fit and then pretended she didn't, what did the guy do? Did he call you or your parents to explain or apologize? If he's old enough to get married, have sex, and take on the responsibility of a wife, he's old enough to call his mother out when she's disrespected his future in-laws and the woman he apparently wants to marry. You say he doesn't get along with his parents, but it says something that he lets them speak for him.

3) You sound young, but how old is the guy? Though it may sound quaint/flattering that this is his first 'rishta' and somehow he already knows you're the 'one' after talking to you a handful of times, I would be wary of a guy who's this undiscriminating. He sounds like he's getting married reactively - i.e. it's the right time, he's bored, all his friends are doing it, his mom says so, he's sexually frustrated, etc. Saying yes too quickly sets off alarms in my mind, and consequently staying quiet when his mom throws a tantrum sets off red flags.

4) I understand the rishta situation is pretty bleak for girls (sign of the times and all that) and appreciate the sentiment that when you see a decent guy with all 10 digits and toes and no criminal record you should give him a serious chance. But you have to draw the line when you or your family are being disrespected, things like education are being trivialized, or potential MILs are displaying bipolar traits. Unlike another poster above, I don't agree that this is not a big deal. In fact I find this flippant approach dangerous. Relationships in general, including this 'rishta dance,' includes testing other people's boundaries. People are always looking to see how much they can get away with, and what you're capable and willing to tolerate. By not vocally acknowledging and questioning his mom's behavior, you've already set a standard as to how you want to be treated. You've also inadvertently told them how much you already like their son, and in turn, how much leverage they have over you. Instead of agonizing over the mother's actions and intentions, change YOUR own reaction. Respect is a 2 way street.

5) I agree with your parents - you sound young, and probably don't know your worth yet, or what you really want/need from a partner. Which brings me to the next point.

6) I agree that rishta processes should be handled with modesty and decorum, but too much supervision and inhibition may be counterproductive. You have an Islamic right to speak to this guy directly, spend time with him to assess his temperament and compatibility, without him holding his parents' hands through it. Ask his Dad why HE'S emailing you, instead of his son. I'm really surprised the guy isn't agonizing over what you think of him after his mom's screw-up. Passive-aggression is another red flag. Sounds fishy, and beyond weird that everyone but the 2 people getting married are talking to each other. Ask your parents to make clear to interested parties that parents' roles should be to facilitate introductions, and offer mediation/advice when asked by the boy/girl. If you have parents jumping into the fray unannounced, a potentially good thing can end before it starts. Use the rishtas you're getting now to gain some experience, to refine your wants/needs list, and recognize red flags when they pop up. With the rate of casual divorce nowadays and the general disrespect toward the institution of marriage, you owe it to yourself to be proactive and mindful. To put things in perspective, take out a notepad and write down the reasons you think he's "amazing" after all that's happened.

[Sara516]

Re: any idea whats going on

@NomiCA

is the FIL hitting on DIL???

i waited so long for such a situation to come to life1…

[Summerbr]

Re: any idea whats going on

Chaibiskut makes a lot of sense :-)

[soconfused]

Re: any idea whats going on

@chaibiskut

Some initial thoughts :

1) You say you haven't known the guy long, but know that he's "AMAZING." - I would rethink this assessment.

2) After the mother had a hissy fit and then pretended she didn't, what did the guy do? Did he call you or your parents to explain or apologize? If he's old enough to get married, have sex, and take on the responsibility of a wife, he's old enough to call his mother out when she's disrespected his future in-laws and the woman he apparently wants to marry. You say he doesn't get along with his parents, but it says something that he lets them speak for him.

3) You sound young, but how old is the guy? Though it may sound quaint/flattering that this is his first 'rishta' and somehow he already knows you're the 'one' after talking to you a handful of times, I would be wary of a guy who's this undiscriminating. He sounds like he's getting married reactively - i.e. it's the right time, he's bored, all his friends are doing it, his mom says so, he's sexually frustrated, etc. Saying yes too quickly sets off alarms in my mind, and consequently staying quiet when his mom throws a tantrum sets off red flags.

4) I understand the rishta situation is pretty bleak for girls (sign of the times and all that) and appreciate the sentiment that when you see a decent guy with all 10 digits and toes and no criminal record you should give him a serious chance. But you have to draw the line when you or your family are being disrespected, things like education are being trivialized, or potential MILs are displaying bipolar traits. Unlike another poster above, I don't agree that this is not a big deal. In fact I find this flippant approach dangerous. Relationships in general, including this 'rishta dance,' includes testing other people's boundaries. People are always looking to see how much they can get away with, and what you're capable and willing to tolerate. By not vocally acknowledging and questioning his mom's behavior, you've already set a standard as to how you want to be treated. You've also inadvertently told them how much you already like their son, and in turn, how much leverage they have over you. Instead of agonizing over the mother's actions and intentions, change YOUR own reaction. Respect is a 2 way street.

5) I agree with your parents - you sound young, and probably don't know your worth yet, or what you really want/need from a partner. Which brings me to the next point.

6) I agree that rishta processes should be handled with modesty and decorum, but too much supervision and inhibition may be counterproductive. You have an Islamic right to speak to this guy directly, spend time with him to assess his temperament and compatibility, without him holding his parents' hands through it. Ask his Dad why HE'S emailing you, instead of his son. I'm really surprised the guy isn't agonizing over what you think of him after his mom's screw-up. Passive-aggression is another red flag. Sounds fishy, and beyond weird that everyone but the 2 people getting married are talking to each other. Ask your parents to make clear to interested parties that parents' roles should be to facilitate introductions, and offer mediation/advice when asked by the boy/girl. If you have parents jumping into the fray unannounced, a potentially good thing can end before it starts. Use the rishtas you're getting now to gain some experience, to refine your wants/needs list, and recognize red flags when they pop up. With the rate of casual divorce nowadays and the general disrespect toward the institution of marriage, you owe it to yourself to be proactive and mindful. To put things in perspective, take out a notepad and write down the reasons you think he's "amazing" after all that's happened.

you're right. after thinking about it for a few days my parents and I decided to wait till he has a job (2+ years) and see where everything stands at that point. If they come with thameez and do it the RIGHT way my parents said it's fine, if not then they weren't worht it to begin with. This makes sense since the guy doesn't hav ea job and we'd be depending on the parents for $$, which given the mom's behavior would make me concerned...

Let's see what happens. if its for the best, then iA it'll happen. If not, then I'll find someone that IS worth it.

[Southie]

Re: any idea whats going on

And the post of this thread goes to...

drum roll...

Chaibiscuit

Very nice!

[Reha]

Re: any idea whats going on

@soconfused

so updates:

the dad got a hold of my email address (I’m assuming from the boy’s brother) and has been emailing me. Which was fine when it was just to clear up the misunderstanding (and even then I was very clear about how they need to talk the adults) but then it became daily emails. He asked me what he could do to open the communication bw parents and I told him that they need to tlak to my parents.

Yesterday I completely lost it because he mentioned something about how me and the guy overanlyze everything to death and there’s no discussion of the small nuances of life like music, poetry, romance…ERRR Iono I just thought that was so inappropriate to discuss with a girl that you never talk to when you saw her and who could be your daughter in law? I really don’t understand what the heck they’re doing. And then he mentioned some plan for a wedding somewhat soon so I could spend time w/ the boy before starting school and moving…and I REALLY lost it.

I wrote a nice, longggg email about how this isnt’ a love marriage and I don’t feel comfortable not having parents directly involved. I told them that its best to contact my parents since I refuse to make a deicsion without them involved in the process. So far I haven’t heard anything back so I hope uncle ji got the message.

I’m trying not to think the worst of people, but I’m seroiusly creeped out…why would he be doing that? This is completely arrnaged and I seriously have talked to the boy like 2x…so there’s no reason for them to think that I"m sooooo desperately in love w/ him or anything.

Um, weird. Very weird.

This is the father of the guy. He knows how this works…he knows he is supposed to speak to your parents. This isnt news to him.

@CM

Divorce him!!

I am going with that generic reply whenever it comes to a woman on life1. I am betting it will hold true 33.33% of the time!

Thats not true

@NomiCA

is the FIL hitting on DIL???

i waited so long for such a situation to come to life1…

I had a feeling this would make your day

[skhan]

Re: any idea whats going on

@soconfused

you're right. after thinking about it for a few days my parents and I decided to wait till he has a job (2+ years) and see where everything stands at that point. If they come with thameez and do it the RIGHT way my parents said it's fine, if not then they weren't worht it to begin with. This makes sense since the guy doesn't hav ea job and we'd be depending on the parents for $$, which given the mom's behavior would make me concerned...

Let's see what happens. if its for the best, then iA it'll happen. If not, then I'll find someone that IS worth it.

Wait a minute, this guy has no job, has dysfunctional parents and is still in the "amazing" category? And you're willing to wait on him for "2+" years?

Wow, is the situation really this desperate for girls these days?

[_RestLess]

Re: any idea whats going on

One tantrum in so many months, is not really a big deal.

Old people are like that sometimes. Dont take it serious, and dont make or break your decision based on that.

[ll_xx_ll]

Re: any idea whats going on

@soconfused

you’re right. after thinking about it for a few days my parents and I decided to wait till he has a job (2+ years) and see where everything stands at that point. If they come with thameez and do it the RIGHT way my parents said it’s fine, if not then they weren’t worht it to begin with. This makes sense since the guy doesn’t hav ea job and we’d be depending on the parents for $$, which given the mom’s behavior would make me concerned…

Let’s see what happens. if its for the best, then iA it’ll happen. If not, then I’ll find someone that IS worth it.

You didn’t mention he doesnt have a job before… or maybe i just didnt see it

[NomiCA]

Re: any idea whats going on

@Reha

I had a feeling this would make your day

Sure it did…see i don’t get pissy over tiny things:hehe:

[Southie]

Re: any idea whats going on

Yes, the jobless situation was news to me also.

[inspiron]

Re: any idea whats going on

@llxxll

You didn’t mention he doesnt have a job before… or maybe i just didnt see it

The guy is studying - getting a very good post grad degree as far as i understand but isnt earning his own moolah at the moment

[ll_xx_ll]

Re: any idea whats going on

The guy is studying - getting a very good post grad degree as far as i understand but isnt earning his own moolah at the moment

ah! i see

[bigdaddy]

Re: any idea whats going on

The decision for a wife to goto school after marriage.. and any others should be between husband and wife. Hard to believe in this day and age, we would still want to restrict women from pursuing education. And we wonder why we are so freaking backwards.

[soconfused]

Re: any idea whats going on

@llxxll

You didn’t mention he doesnt have a job before… or maybe i just didnt see it

@skhan

Wait a minute, this guy has no job, has dysfunctional parents and is still in the “amazing” category? And you’re willing to wait on him for “2+” years?

Wow, is the situation really this desperate for girls these days?

He doesn’t have a job because he’s still in school getting a professional degree (I’m leaving it vague because I know ppl on here) but he’s going to b applying for jobs as he finished up his last year…so he’ll be working (iA iA iA) either next year or the year after. That’s why I didn’t empahsize that…it’s like marrying any medical student/law student. Sure they don’t have jobs, but it’s assumed that they’ll find SOMETHING.

[soconfused]

Re: any idea whats going on

@skhan

Wait a minute, this guy has no job, has dysfunctional parents and is still in the "amazing" category? And you're willing to wait on him for "2+" years?

Wow, is the situation really this desperate for girls these days?

honestly, I"m probably NOT waiting for him for 2+ years. That's a long time to keep seeing no to other good rishtas in the hopes that this guy will still be interested. That's why I'm confused...should I just close the chapter in my life and accept that its over? it seems HIGHLY unlikely that both of us will be single/interested after so long.