I’m going to be fairly vague because I’d rather not disclose every detail but I met a guy earlier last week after our parents met for rishta. When I talked to him it seemed like he was fine with it (he asked me what I wanted in terms of nikkah or mangni) and I was fine with it as well. My only “demand” has been that I want to keep going to, which the entire family has known for 2+ years (when they first found out about me)–this is a completely arranged rishta. Well a few days ago my parents met the guy alone and discussed things with him and, according to them, he did not mind any of the questions at all and answered everything. We contacted his parents again and they were fine…decided to meet up for dinner that night. Then 1 hour before dinner time, the mom called and said some rude things to us about how its not okay to ask her son certain questions (if he prays, what his post-grad plans are, etc). and that it was a huge committement to agree to having me go to school (I know it is, my mom told them 500x and i’ve been saying it since day 1…and we told them that i was going to pay for school on my own through loans with no one’s help). My parents got upset because they felt that it was a valid question and boy is mature and older so he should have known that they weren’t being offensive. So the family basically refused to come to dinner…and we assumed it was a no.
Then randomly today before they were going back to their home, the mom called to tell us they were leaving…and was very normal. she wanted us to come visit them at their place and then decide and is like “no he wasn’t mad at your questions, we just wnat to give you guys time to think. We’ll be in touch. We like your daughter and we have no concerns at all.”
wth happened? it’s completely arranged and they approached us, insisting to meet…his family loves me (I THOUGHT the mom did, now i’m not sure even though SHE’S the one that’s been insisting) and now my family likes him too…everything was bsically going to be finalized because he talked to me about his concerns and he said he was fine w/ it and he told my parents that too…and then this mess happened…
ummm so she calls up your family all angry and stuff, and then later acts like nothing happen and was normal?
sounds like a freakin psycho.
yeah and she's like "no no it must've been a misunderstanding"...it's so weird. she's been really sweet and nice this entire time and she was like berserk yesterday randomly...and now is back to normal....
I would run...especially if they want you to live with them afterwards.
Sounds like she got mad at your questions and then came back acting normal because her son likes you.
dont think the boy gets along with his parents because he's not living with them right now nor does he plan to after. and he told me this is the one and only time hes ever agreed to meet anyone that he's been setup with.
i keep thinking she's trying to show the "larkay walay" nakhray. Because so far theyve bene running after us and we didn't really take it too seriously but now that she knows that boy and i like each other she wants to show akr because theyre the larkay walay side...
so effing weird. it's a shame because the guy's AMAZING and my family really likes him and the rest of his fmaily is normal too...that sucks.
When you marry a guy...it's also a union between the families. Future family events, in-laws seeing each other on Eid..kids birthday parties etc.
Whatever the woman's reason was.....if she was rude to your parents right now...at a time when they're supposed to be on their "best behavior"......imagine their "nakhray" after marriage.
Personally, there are many things I can forgive/forget in people's behavior........rudeness to my parents is not one of them.
Seems like the guy is really interested in marrying you and maybe that's why the mom acted "normally" with you later on. Maybe he calmed her down. It's possible that he himself did not have an issue with the questions........maybe his mom asked him how things went....and he simply told her about the discussion you both had.....and then she flipped.
I agree with Reha, I don't have a good feeling about this. Education is a basic right.....and for his mom to think of it as a "huge sacrifice" on their part........it's kinda like indirectly saying "We're doing you a huge favor". I don't like that attitude/mentality....and you're seeing it early on in the game. The fact that she still has this attitude even after you've discussed this sooo many times and even explained that you'll be paying for it yourself....does not make things better.
I don't know if you'll be living with your in-laws.....but such an arrangement will affect you differently as opposed to living away from them. One of my friends regrets not completing her Bachelor's degree. Her in-laws had assured her parents that they would support her in finishing her education after marriage....but that didn't happen...and so many other responsibilities came in the way and she had to to put it on hold (in her case, she lived with her in-laws). If you think this guy will support you.....if he doesn't have the mentality that he's doing you a "favor"...and if he's mature and open-minded.....then you can consider marrying him. If you feel that you're going to have the same issues with him.....then maybe move on from this rishta. It is an arranged situation....you don't know him that well enough to have invested some serious emotional energy in him....so it shouldn' t be too difficult to move on (if that's what you decide on).
If you really like the guy, but you're unsure......give is some more time. Maybe some more interactions with him and his family will give you a better feel for things and pray Istikhara. LOL, I actually feel like saying don't pray Istikhara as desi culture has twisted the whole concept of it with the notion of dreams and conflicting signs from multiple people performing the procedure. Just pray to Allah and ask him to guide you and do what's best for you.
the guy is consistent w/ my parents and me. he said he's not gonna back out and if he commits to being w/ me he's going to make sure i finish school. (i'm alrady done w/ my bachelor's im planning on going for masters). im not living w/ them for sure because he's not either. he was adamant that i finish school so i dont think its a problem for him in that case.
im just trying to figure out why that woman is crazy because up till yesterday she was obsessing over me (and went right back to obsessing today)...like shes the one that introduced me to the son so why is she flipping out because he said yes to me?
my parents (and I) think they'll call back for sure and ask again. she keeps telling us to come see them where they live but my mom's like yeah yeah we'll see...
You may never get a definite asnwer as to why she behaved in such a bizarre manner with you this time....or even if such behavior takes place again in the future. What you should be worrying about is if it will affect you and your marriage and if it's somethig you can deal with.
You've said that you really like this guy...he likes you...your family likes him. So, it doesn't seem like you want to let him go. You also mentioned that they were the ones who pursued you actively for the rishta but your family didn't take it too seriously. And now she's insisting that you guys come and visit them........this may be her indirect way of apologizing for her behavior......and if your family continues to do the "yeah yeah yeah....ahaaan..whatever....we'll see"........it may make things worse. They might see it as "well we're trying to make amends...but your family is not open." I'm not trying to justify her behavior toward you.....but it's something to think about....especially if you're really keen on this guy. Again...you do need to think about if you can handle these concerns if you were to get married to him.
"it's a shame because the guy's AMAZING and my family really likes him and the rest of his fmaily is normal too...that sucks.Case closed. He likes you, you like him, families like each other. Maybe the mother had a bad day. Go with you instincts. If he is a good guy and will emotionally support your choice to study, go for it. The other option is to finish your Masters (that should be a 1.5 year wait?) and then marry. If both of you like each enough, this wait should be bearable. In fact, it may give you some time to sort things out, evaluate his mom to see if it was just a one-off incident.Good luck!
"it's a shame because the guy's AMAZING and my family really likes him and the rest of his fmaily is normal too...that sucks.Case closed. He likes you, you like him, families like each other. Maybe the mother had a bad day. Go with you instincts. If he is a good guy and will emotionally support your choice to study, go for it. The other option is to finish your Masters (that should be a 1.5 year wait?) and then marry. If both of you like each enough, this wait should be bearable. In fact, it may give you some time to sort things out, evaluate his mom to see if it was just a one-off incident.Good luck!
yeah we figured that much. and as weirded out as my parents are they really like the guy and the family o/w...and the mom has been normal but went bonkers today...but let's see. God knows if they will even call back since my mom says that after this much bezthi there's no way shes' gonna call them to talk and if they really want the rishta they'll call back themselves.
When you marry a guy...it's also a union between the families. Future family events, in-laws seeing each other on Eid..kids birthday parties etc.
Whatever the woman's reason was.....if she was rude to your parents right now...at a time when they're supposed to be on their "best behavior"......imagine their "nakhray" after marriage.
Personally, there are many things I can forgive/forget in people's behavior........rudeness to my parents is not one of them.
Very well said
Whether you live with your inlaws or not, the bottom line is they will always be your husband's parents and have a very important role and place in not only his life but yours kids too which automatically means it wl influence your life. So make a calculative decision.
My dad always used to say that at the time of rishta and finalisation, the guys side should behave such that they are actively pursuing the girl. In old times, they used to say ke larkey walon k jootey ghiswa diay hum ne tab haan ki. So the guy's mom should call again and formally invite your family. If she does this, your family should ignore her previous behaviour since she might have been insecured about her son liking you so much. If you and your family likes the proposal, you should proceed as soon as they call back which shows their interest and willingness too.
I feel that since u state that the guy wasnt close to his parents, perhaps there was a miscommunication between them as to what sort of questions were asked. Sure certain questions are permissible and the right of the larki walay in anyones books, but there may be some questions which seem offensive (im not saying u asked them) . Maybe the boy miscommunicated or wasnt forthcoming and just said something like they asked me a lot of personal questions or whatever. Thats why the aunty had a fired up response but when she was clarified later after she possibly said to her family that "ive told them in pretty strong words that they crossed the line" maybe she was told that u people didnt cross any lines and thus she called again normally.
Dekho, this way or that, its hard for anyone to admit they made a mistake. Her calling normally can possbly be viewed as an extension of an olive branch for her rude call.
Just giving a different perspective. If the boy is good, the family is good, it is possible that there was a misunderstanding. Benefit of doubt. I agree with ashy above that should they call back which in my opinion they have done so, previous behaviour should be overlooked and its not necessary u say "haan" yet, but keep the door open and observe behaviour quietly. If there is no repetition of rude behaviour then chalk it off as human error.
Good rishtas are hard to come by and in every rishta, even if its very good, there are going to be some downsides.
I'm going to be fairly vague because I'd rather not disclose every detail but I met a guy earlier last week after our parents met for rishta. When I talked to him it seemed like he was fine with it (he asked me what I wanted in terms of nikkah or mangni) and I was fine with it as well. My only "demand" has been that I want to keep going to, which the entire family has known for 2+ years (when they first found out about me)--this is a completely arranged rishta. Well a few days ago my parents met the guy alone and discussed things with him and, according to them, he did not mind any of the questions at all and answered everything. We contacted his parents again and they were fine...decided to meet up for dinner that night. Then 1 hour before dinner time, the mom called and said some rude things to us about how its not okay to ask her son certain questions (if he prays, what his post-grad plans are, etc). and that it was a huge committement to agree to having me go to school (I know it is, my mom told them 500x and i've been saying it since day 1...and we told them that i was going to pay for school on my own through loans with no one's help). My parents got upset because they felt that it was a valid question and boy is mature and older so he should have known that they weren't being offensive. So the family basically refused to come to dinner...and we assumed it was a no.
Then randomly today before they were going back to their home, the mom called to tell us they were leaving...and was very normal. she wanted us to come visit them at their place and then decide and is like "no he wasn't mad at your questions, we just wnat to give you guys time to think. We'll be in touch. We like your daughter and we have no concerns at all."
wth happened? it's completely arranged and they approached us, insisting to meet...his family loves me (I THOUGHT the mom did, now i'm not sure even though SHE'S the one that's been insisting) and now my family likes him too...everything was bsically going to be finalized because he talked to me about his concerns and he said he was fine w/ it and he told my parents that too...and then this mess happened...
Maybe they were considering another rishta and were hoping that it goes forward, but it fell through.. and now they're back to you
If such a trivial matter as asking question can flip her off , think about how she would behave if you home was unkempt , dinner was not ready on time , kids were running around naked. She will make your life hell.
Then on the other hand you like the guy and he likes you , you will have to tolerate his mother's misgivings if you go for this rishta. Nobody is perfect she is not either but be ready to deal with her meddling in your married life .