i tried it just now... only 4fingers open? im not sure if im doing it right
four fingers n last is the thumb.
Here is what I think:
I think this woman wants a girl from Pakistan and she is setting the stage for exactly that. What will happen is you will go to her house with your cousin and meet with them. After the meeting, there will be a call placed to the guy in which there will be lots of rona dhona and she will say "jo larki apne maan aur baap ke baghair is tarha akele chali ayi, usse tum shaadi kaise karsakte ho?". There will be lots of "haye haye, besharam besharam, poori American hai, meine kaha tha na!" and you will be made to look like some overly-modern American who has lost touch with her values. And the guy will have no choice but to agree because lets face it, there wasnt an elder present to control the situation or to dispute her. Thats what I see happening here.
You're not familiar with the way rishtas work in Pak, niether am I. So, I let my mom and dad do ALL of the talking and rishta-stuff. I stay behind the scenes and so should you.
Do not call his mother directly.
Have an elder do it...arent you staying with someone when you get there? Have them call.
Have your mother speak to his mother BEFORE you meet especially if your mom isnt with you.
According to the unwritten rules, she is supposed to be coming to your home. So, when you get there, have an elder contact them and invite them over for dinner immediately so she doesnt have a chance to ambush you.
You have to let your parents manage this situation, leave it to them completely. You're their daughter and anyone who wants to marry you, needs to go through them first.
Great Advice!! I think almost every1 has mentioned that u shud involve ur parents in this situation because the guy's family needs to realize tat u r not just a girlfriend of their son's but also a potential respectable daughter in law to be. And thus they should be talking to ur parents.
Re: advice on 1st imperssion...
Thank ladies, you all did an amazing job yourselves. Pyari, we've got such great people on GS. If you need any help, as you can see its only one thread away! Lots of our knowledge comes from other Guppies passing it down and thats one of the reasons I joined. Everyone is SO helpful here when it comes to anything you can think of.
Rishta-situations are really delicate and desi people are very judgemental. Just be careful and try your best to stay away from the front lines.
Inshallah, things will turn out for the best.
Thank ladies, you all did an amazing job yourselves. Pyari, we've got such great people on GS. If you need any help, as you can see its only one thread away! Lots of our knowledge comes from other Guppies passing it down and thats one of the reasons I joined. Everyone is SO helpful here when it comes to anything you can think of.
Rishta-situations are really delicate and desi people are very judgemental. Just be careful and try your best to stay away from the front lines.
Inshallah, things will turn out for the best.
yes i have noticed that, that is y i joined =)! thank u guys alot!
so i talked to him about its not a good idea for me going to his house even with my family, because its not respectful for me and ur the guy u wanna b with me...so its better if ur mom comes to my house in paki when im there. hes taking it in the WRONG way. hes getting mad and is like to me whats the difference, its the same thing. hes not understanding the issue here, hes thinking i just dnt care and i dnt wanna go 2 his house. hes like she wants me to get married soon and she has so many girls in mind. i just responded saying then go marry them! and hung up on him and havent responded to his calls. i just dnt what to say to him after hes being idiot like tht?
Re: advice on 1st imperssion...
told ya involve elders n let them handle.be the mashriqi girl who says"my parents wish"Shaid Allah ki baihtari ho.
told ya involve elders n let them handle.be the mashriqi girl who says"my parents wish"Shaid Allah ki baihtari ho.
yes, i also added tht to him, but hes taking it the wrong way. i even t old him to talk to my mom abt it, he said im making it so complicated 4 him tht his mom says one thing we(my family) says another
Re: advice on 1st imperssion...
i meant us se baat nahi kerni thee.direct mom se phone kervana tha.Well let him cool off now.then change ur strategy n say "dad allow nahi ker rehay.rishtadar mind ker rehay hain"etc but keep it short.don't argue or let it heat up.just b nice n cheerful while sticking to"talk to my mom n dad.we hav to respect their wish.they r my parents afterall"Ager wo itni se baat pe apni insult feel kerta hai n doesn't respect ur family's feelings he might not b for u.Ager aaj stand nahi lay ga tu samjho kabhi nahi lay ga n u'll b battling with in-laws alone ur whole life.Inshallah things take a better turn for u.my prayers r with u girl.
Re: advice on 1st imperssion...
Here is a little story incase you are not convinced.
A friend of mine got engaged to this guy. My friend and her family were really really conservative. The guy and his family lived in paki and the girl and her family went to paki. The mother was known to chalak but remained quite until the nikah was done. She then said that she wanted the girl to come and visit their house before leaving. She knew that the family was conservative. The girls family was against this even though the nikah was done but said okay. The girl and the family went to the guys house. Due to the fact that the guys side was on the poor side. The girl and all the ladies were seated in the main bedroom whilst the men were in the lounge room. Alot of photos of the girl are taken in the room and with her inlaws. After a while the mother storms in and orders everyone but the girl to leave the room. The girls parents find this rude but do so, she asks the girl to sit on the bed and wait for her son. At this point the girls parents step in and say that is not appropriate and that they will not leave without the girl. So today when the rishta for amongst other reasons did not work out it is the mother that is telling everyone that the girl was so eager that she wanted to go directly to the guys bedroom.
Hence Moral of the Story - Be very very careful and take all the advice given to you.
Re: advice on 1st imperssion...
yeah she said she is gonna. i just hope things work out. thank u =)
Okay Listen Pyari,
Soooo many people that responded to your thread told you to get parents involved right? We all told you to have YOUR MOM talk to his MOM right? NONE of us told you to go tell the ideas we're giving you to HIM. NONE of us told you to go consult matters with HIM. And you know why? Because we all know that GUYS don't understand how delicate a girl's reputation is in Pakistan. Guys don't get it! That's why we told you to let your parents handle all this.
This guy's EGO is offended because you asked him to ask your hand in a SHAREEF and RESPECTABLE manner. I'm sorry sweetie, but that's not a good sign. This guy wants you to follow his mom's orders (ridiculous orders by the way).....so how is he going to treat you after marriage.........will he be able to stand up for you if his mom treats you wrong cuz right now mom seems shady.
Your mom should have called the guy's mom and said "Listen, my daughter tells me that you wanted to invite her to your home by herself. I would prefer that we all meet each other formally. I would like to invite you for lunch/dinner to my home. It would be a great oppurtunities for our families to meet."
^ That is what SHOULD have been done. Rather than telling they guy what to do. You should have let your mom take care of it. And that way IF HIS MOM REJECTS YOUR MOM'S INVITATION.......then that means that THE GUY"S MOM AND HIM ARE NOT WORTH IT! IF THEY ARE GENUINELY INERESTED, THEY WILL ACCEPT THE INVITATION AND COME TO YOUR HOUSE. IT"S THAT SIMPLE.
Your guy is really naieve, Pyari. He doesn't understand how Pakistani society works. I mean he has TWO sisters. How would HE feel if some guy told HIS sister to come chasing after him for a proposal? How would HE feel if some guy refused to propose his sister in the proper and respectful way (by coming to the sister's house)? How would HIS MOM feel if a guy told HER DAUGTER to come running after him for a proposal? I bet you the mom wouldn't accept that at all.
The guy is telling you that his mom wants him to get married and that there are soooo many other girls to be considered. So, tell me Pyari.......Is the mom going to make ALL OF THOSE GIRLS come to her house by themselves WITHOUT their parents? Is that how she is going to treat EVERY GIRL.......or has she reserved this SPECIAL TREATMENT only for you?
The people responding to this thread really care about you and we're giving you advice that will protect you and your family's reputation. The rule about the guy going to the girl's home for a proposal is NOT JUST A DESI RULE!!!!!!!! Even in American culture......the GUY asks for the girls hand....and will formally ask for the girl's hand in marriage. That's such a basic thing.
Why is this guy so upset about going to your home and asking your hand formally? If this guy is sincerely interested in you............coming to your house with his family WOULD NEVER BE A PROBLEM.
Okay, Pyari, this is what you need to do. Right now you and the guy just had a bitter argument. You need to wait for him to call you. Don't be desperate and call him okay? Because that will give him more power and an ego boost. If this guy LOVES you and WANTS TO MARRY YOU.....he will call you back first and tell you that he's willing to do anything to marry you......even if that means coming to your house and proposing formally.
But you dont' call him and don't beg him.
The next step is for you to TELL YOUR MOM EVERYTHING!!!!!! Tell your mom how aunti wanted to invite you alone. Tell your mom about the recent conversation you had with the guy and then ur mom can tell you her opinion about the guy. She's older than you and has more experience. I wouldn't be surprised if your mom tell you to wait for the guy to call you first. OR your mom might decide to talk to the guy's mom herself and clear the air. BUT NOTHING SHOULD BE INITIATED BY YOU. Okay? This is my strong opinion.
Okay Listen Pyari,
Soooo many people that responded to your thread told you to get parents involved right? We all told you to have YOUR MOM talk to his MOM right? NONE of us told you to go tell the ideas we're giving you to HIM. NONE of us told you to go consult matters with HIM. And you know why? Because we all know that GUYS don't understand how delicate a girl's reputation is in Pakistan. Guys don't get it! That's why we told you to let your parents handle all this.
This guy's EGO is offended because you asked him to ask your hand in a SHAREEF and RESPECTABLE manner. I'm sorry sweetie, but that's not a good sign. This guy wants you to follow his mom's orders (ridiculous orders by the way).....so how is he going to treat you after marriage.........will he be able to stand up for you if his mom treats you wrong cuz right now mom seems shady.
Your mom should have called the guy's mom and said "Listen, my daughter tells me that you wanted to invite her to your home by herself. I would prefer that we all meet each other formally. I would like to invite you for lunch/dinner to my home. It would be a great oppurtunities for our families to meet."
^ That is what SHOULD have been done. Rather than telling they guy what to do. You should have let your mom take care of it. And that way IF HIS MOM REJECTS YOUR MOM'S INVITATION.......then that means that THE GUY"S MOM AND HIM ARE NOT WORTH IT! IF THEY ARE GENUINELY INERESTED, THEY WILL ACCEPT THE INVITATION AND COME TO YOUR HOUSE. IT"S THAT SIMPLE.
Your guy is really naieve, Pyari. He doesn't understand how Pakistani society works. I mean he has TWO sisters. How would HE feel if some guy told HIS sister to come chasing after him for a proposal? How would HE feel if some guy refused to propose his sister in the proper and respectful way (by coming to the sister's house)? How would HIS MOM feel if a guy told HER DAUGTER to come running after him for a proposal? I bet you the mom wouldn't accept that at all.
The guy is telling you that his mom wants him to get married and that there are soooo many other girls to be considered. So, tell me Pyari.......Is the mom going to make ALL OF THOSE GIRLS come to her house by themselves WITHOUT their parents? Is that how she is going to treat EVERY GIRL.......or has she reserved this SPECIAL TREATMENT only for you?
The people responding to this thread really care about you and we're giving you advice that will protect you and your family's reputation. The rule about the guy going to the girl's home for a proposal is NOT JUST A DESI RULE!!!!!!!! Even in American culture......the GUY asks for the girls hand....and will formally ask for the girl's hand in marriage. That's such a basic thing.
Why is this guy so upset about going to your home and asking your hand formally? If this guy is sincerely interested in you............coming to your house with his family WOULD NEVER BE A PROBLEM.
Okay, Pyari, this is what you need to do. Right now you and the guy just had a bitter argument. You need to wait for him to call you. Don't be desperate and call him okay? Because that will give him more power and an ego boost. If this guy LOVES you and WANTS TO MARRY YOU.....he will call you back first and tell you that he's willing to do anything to marry you......even if that means coming to your house and proposing formally. But you dont' call him and don't beg him.
The next step is for you to TELL YOUR MOM EVERYTHING!!!!!! Tell your mom how aunti wanted to invite you alone. Tell your mom about the recent conversation you had with the guy and then ur mom can tell you her opinion about the guy. She's older than you and has more experience. I wouldn't be surprised if your mom tell you to wait for the guy to call you first. OR your mom might decide to talk to the guy's mom herself and clear the air. BUT NOTHING SHOULD BE INITIATED BY YOU. Okay? This is my strong opinion.
i told her, she said she will talk 2 him and explain the issue as soon as he calls again. loll i didnt call him back, he has called me but i just didnt pick up bcaz i had nothing to say to him. my mom feels hesistant now towards them, now it all depends how she feels when his family COMES over to our house =)
Re: advice on 1st imperssion…
Good job PSquared. Very insightful stuff! 
i told her, she said she will talk 2 him and explain the issue as soon as he calls again. loll i didnt call him back, he has called me but i just didnt pick up bcaz i had nothing to say to him. my mom feels hesistant now towards them, now it all depends how she feels when his family COMES over to our house =)
Phew, okay that's good. I feel relieved, LOL. Your mom should also talk to his mom as well. Just in case the guy misunderstands what your mom says to him. It would be interesting to see how HIS mom reacts to your mom's invitation on the phone. I'm not surprised that your mom feels hesitant toward them. See, didn't we all us guppies tell you that the guy's mom seems shady and weird?
It's not only your mom Pyari.....ANY GIRL'S MOM/PARENTS would be upset/hesitant at a woman who wants a girl to come by herself without parents. Your mom's gut feelings are on the right track. I'm proud of you for not picking up the phone when he called.....cuz you were upset from the argument......and another fight could have taken place on the phone. Let your mom recieve phone calls from now on. If it's him on the phone, she can deal with him on your behalf.
Don't you feel much better now that ur mom's involved? I also suggest that you pray Istikhara regularly and ask Allah to do what is best for you with this rishta. And if you meet them......take your mom's feelings about them in SERIOUS consideration. Nice work, Pyari. Best wishes and keep us posted!
Phew, okay that's good. I feel relieved, LOL. Your mom should also talk to his mom as well. Just in case the guy misunderstands what your mom says to him. It would be interesting to see how HIS mom reacts to your mom's invitation on the phone. I'm not surprised that your mom feels hesitant toward them. See, didn't we all us guppies tell you that the guy's mom seems shady and weird?
It's not only your mom Pyari.....ANY GIRL'S MOM/PARENTS would be upset/hesitant at a woman who wants a girl to come by herself without parents. Your mom's gut feelings are on the right track. I'm proud of you for not picking up the phone when he called.....cuz you were upset from the argument......and another fight could have taken place on the phone. Let your mom recieve phone calls from now on. If it's him on the phone, she can deal with him on your behalf.
Don't you feel much better now that ur mom's involved? I also suggest that you pray Istikhara regularly and ask Allah to do what is best for you with this rishta. And if you meet them......take your mom's feelings about them in SERIOUS consideration. Nice work, Pyari. Best wishes and keep us posted!
Thank u InshAllah! Ab jo Allah ki marzi! i hope something passes through his head instead of "ji Aunty" and his mom softens up to my mom. i am gonna do what my parents think, but i really do like this guy. InshAllah things work out
Re: advice on 1st imperssion...
Things will work out Pyari. Always pray for what is best for you. Inshallah.
I never answered you about what happened with that guy. He did run after me for a little while but his parents never respected mine enough for me to move forward with him. Just because they were "larke vale" doesnt mean anything to me. If my mom and dad are not happy with a guy and they have valid reasons, I cant do it. And from what Ive read, your parents really love you. They sound like reasonable people and deserve a son-in-law who will respect them too, right?
The other thing is, you have to kind of set a standard. If boundaries get crossed once, it will keep happening in the future too. If the guy's mom feels she can go over your parents' head and get straight to you now, it will happen again. Best to nip it in the bud and help them understand you're someone's child too.
My suggestion is to have both parents talk to each other now. The sooner they begin talking, the easier it will be on both of you and you can rest easy.
Things will work out Pyari. Always pray for what is best for you. Inshallah.
I never answered you about what happened with that guy. He did run after me for a little while but his parents never respected mine enough for me to move forward with him. Just because they were "larke vale" doesnt mean anything to me. If my mom and dad are not happy with a guy and they have valid reasons, I cant do it. And from what Ive read, your parents really love you. They sound like reasonable people and deserve a son-in-law who will respect them too, right?
The other thing is, you have to kind of set a standard. If boundaries get crossed once, it will keep happening in the future too. If the guy's mom feels she can go over your parents' head and get straight to you now, it will happen again. Best to nip it in the bud and help them understand you're someone's child too.
My suggestion is to have both parents talk to each other now. The sooner they begin talking, the easier it will be on both of you and you can rest easy.
aww, well im glad MashAllah u made the right choice! if u dnt mind me asking, is ur fiance from america or pakistan? i hope his mom is polite to my mom and respects my familys decision, otherwise its gonna work. his mother seems like a very demanding controling lady from how i have heard her speak to him on the phone.
his mother seems like a very demanding controling lady from how i have heard her speak to him on the phone.
Good job Pyari. I'm glad that you're keeping your ears and eyes open and noticing things about the mom and her attitude/personality. These are things you need to take into consideration. That's very smart. Because some people get too blinded by love that they can't see clearly. You mother being older and more experienced will get a stronger feel for what this woman will be like. So listen to your mom. You are the number one priority for your mom. And that kind of love, you won't recieve from a mother-in-law or anyone else. Guys can come and go......but in desi culture, when you marry a guy, you marry not just the guy, but his whole family. And if the guy is already showing signs that he can't stand up to mommy.....then it can become problematic later one.....becaue LOVE can only go so far and marriage is more than that. You've never mentioned the guy's dad. Did he pass away or have his parents separated?
Re: advice on 1st imperssion...
yeah Pyari theres a saying in Urdu that say when marrying a girl look at her mom but when marrying a guy look at his whole family.
coz incase1 if mom is good example to her daughter the daughter will likely to follow her footsteps and incase2 if all the guy's family r mean u can't accept that guy alone to b very different n then a girl has to deal with these relations thruout life n they can deeply affect ur relation with ur spouse.And it doesn't matter u live in same house or miles away whenever u meet them they make evey effort to make u realise wat a huge mistake u did marrying in those jerks.So always keep these point in mind while making the biggest ever decision of ur life
Good job Pyari. I'm glad that you're keeping your ears and eyes open and noticing things about the mom and her attitude/personality. These are things you need to take into consideration. That's very smart. Because some people get too blinded by love that they can't see clearly. You mother being older and more experienced will get a stronger feel for what this woman will be like. So listen to your mom. You are the number one priority for your mom. And that kind of love, you won't recieve from a mother-in-law or anyone else. Guys can come and go......but in desi culture, when you marry a guy, you marry not just the guy, but his whole family. And if the guy is already showing signs that he can't stand up to mommy.....then it can become problematic later one.....becaue LOVE can only go so far and marriage is more than that. You've never mentioned the guy's dad. Did he pass away or have his parents separated?
it took me a long time to understand that, im glad i finally did =). my mom, friends, and all u Guppies have told me the same thing SO i have to take tht in consideration!
No Alhamdulillah his dad is still alive. His dad and him live in America while his mom sister and brothers live in Pakistan. His job is in America. They also are not seperated. His dad has left all these type of decisions on his wife