advice on 1st imperssion...

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: advice on 1st imperssion...

Adults are also there to prevent anything wrong from happening. Ive no idea why she wants to meet you alone like this, but if you take an elder with you it will prevent things from going wrong. She shouldnt have such direct contact with you right now, only with your parents. Keep it that way.

22

Pyari se,

They guy's mom wants to meet you ALONE? Why on Earth would she want to do that? Tell me something......this woman has 2 daughters of her own. Do you think that she'd like it if either of her daughters went to meet a guy and his family ALONE....without her? Living in Pakistan.....this woman MUST know the rules about social ettiquette in Pakistan especially for young girls like yourself........because she's got TWO daughters of you own! I DO NOT think she'd allow her own daughters to go meet a guy's family for a potential marriage proposal by themselves. That just sounds FISHY to me.

I don't mean to confuse you Pyari. BUT what if this woman is TESTING you? What if she wants to see whether you are the shameless modern girl who goes chasing after guys OR if you're a respectful girl who brings her elders? What if it's a test? What if this woman is setting u up? A mother will always look out for her own daughters' reputation...........she's not obligated to look out for the reputation of someone else's daughter. Nobody will protect u better than your parents. Take them with you as several people have suggested.

Another think I'd like to point out is that you are meeting this guy's family for marriage purposes. And this is a serious and FORMAL ocassion. It's NOT a casual situation that should be taken lightly. Having your parents with you sends the message that YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. Not having your parents with you....shows that this is NOT a serious issue. Do you get what I'm saying? It's almost seems as if the guy's mom wants u to come without your parents because she's indirectly saying that this is NOT a serious issue for her....that she is not SERIOUSLY considering this potential rishta.

So, you go to this woman's house with your parents. And upon meeting her, if she looks suprised or even upset, be 100% honest with her. Tell her that, "Aunti, I believe that its more respectful for a girl to come with her parents. I value my parents involvement in my life. And I'm so please to finally meet you because I've heard such great things about you."

^ That's gonna shock her. She'll be surprised maybe even impressed at your cleverness and decency of character. And she'll realize that a girl brought up in America still values cultural ettiquette.

23

a test?? u actually might be right. i understand now and feel all of the great advice ive gotten.

24

one of my friend suggested instead of me going to their house, i invite them over mine. should i just be like "it would be very nice of you to join us 4 dinner....etc. ( in urdu)"??

and thank u for all ur sweet advice!

25

Re: advice on 1st imperssion...

^ err that shouldn't be YOUR job..but ur parents.
the aunty seems like a shady character. i cud understand if hte guy dint knwo better but a woman with daughters living in pakistan has to knwo better.. no excuses. She's playing u like a violin.

26

That's not a bad idea at all. In fact, in my opinion, that's how it should be done. The guy is interested in you. They guy desires to marry you. The guy has told his mom about you. The guy's mom has agreed to come see you. SO.....tell the guy and his mom to come to your house. The traditional old fashioned way.....guy and family come to girl's house for Rishta. And YOU will be sooo much more comfortable in your own house with your family. Cuz your own house is your own turf, so it will reduce your tension a bit.

BUT......as everyone suggested previously..........GET YOUR PARENTS INVOLVED. I hope you haven't told the guy about your idea of inviting him and his family over without talking to your parents first. FIRST, talk to your parents. AND THEN........have YOUR MOM call up HIS MOM and formally invite them for lunch/dinner. I like this idea because 1) you'll be comfy in your own home and don't have to go anywhere 2) **The Aunti will think twice before making any snide remarks because your parents will be there to protect you. **3) Culturally speaking, this is a more respectful situation. 4) This aunty or anyone else will not be able to tarnish your reputation and make up lies about you because your parents will there to witness everything.

SO, tell your parents and get them to formally invite his family over to your house. IF the guy is SERIOUSLY INTERESTED in you.....HE WILL ACCEPT the invitation and show up with his family!

IF the mom declines the invitation without a valid excuse.....then your KNOW she was upto no good!

27

Re: advice on 1st imperssion...

^RV the gals family is in USA n the guys in Pak.but the guy is in US.

28

Oh I forgot......if you plan to invite the guy's family over, then i suggest your mom call his mom and first of all **mention that she **knows that the guy's mom invited you first. Your mom can say, "My daughter has very good communication with me and she explained that you have invited her. As her parents, we would ALSO like to meet you and your family. We would like to invite you and your family over for lunch/dinner and that would be a great opportunity for the whole family to meet one another."

See what I mean? if your mom tells his mom that she is AWARE of the fact that his mom invited u first.......then it makes it appear as if the guy's family are the ones who are pursuing you.....instead of you chasing them. Whether you go to his house or they come to yours....u must have parents with you. BUT i prefer and believe that the guy and his family should come to the girls house with a proposal. That's just the way it's supposed to be done....rather than the girl's family coming after them.

PLUS.......it would be VERY INTERESTING to know how HIS MOM responds when your mom tells her that she KNOWS you had been invited by this aunty to come alone. The aunty's response to your mom might give an indication about her real character because right now, to be honest, she seems kinda shady and strange. IF the aunti LIES to your mom and says** "Oh i never invited your daughter to come alone. Your daughter must be confused, i had invited her and the whole family"**........then that is not a good sign. See, why it's important to have the parents involved?

29

yeah but if she's thinking of inviting the guy's family to her house.....then that means that temporarily the guy's family (excluding guy) and the girl's family will be in the same country....Pakistan.

30

Re: advice on 1st imperssion...

Here is what I think:

I think this woman wants a girl from Pakistan and she is setting the stage for exactly that. What will happen is you will go to her house with your cousin and meet with them. After the meeting, there will be a call placed to the guy in which there will be lots of rona dhona and she will say "jo larki apne maan aur baap ke baghair is tarha akele chali ayi, usse tum shaadi kaise karsakte ho?". There will be lots of "haye haye, besharam besharam, poori American hai, meine kaha tha na!" and you will be made to look like some overly-modern American who has lost touch with her values. And the guy will have no choice but to agree because lets face it, there wasnt an elder present to control the situation or to dispute her. Thats what I see happening here.

You're not familiar with the way rishtas work in Pak, niether am I. So, I let my mom and dad do ALL of the talking and rishta-stuff. I stay behind the scenes and so should you.

Do not call his mother directly.

Have an elder do it...arent you staying with someone when you get there? Have them call.

Have your mother speak to his mother BEFORE you meet especially if your mom isnt with you.

According to the unwritten rules, she is supposed to be coming to your home. So, when you get there, have an elder contact them and invite them over for dinner immediately so she doesnt have a chance to ambush you.

You have to let your parents manage this situation, leave it to them completely. You're their daughter and anyone who wants to marry you, needs to go through them first.

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Re: advice on 1st imperssion...

^ Yep, exactly. I told her that the guy's shady mom is either testing her "cultural appropriateness" .........or setting her up. What an odd woman PSquared. You'd think that a woman with 2 daughters of her own would have the common sense to think of the girl's reputation and NOT invite her without parents. Shady shady shady. And u know her son probably doesn't understand that the mom's invitation was INAPPROPRIATE.....cuz he's a guy......and probably thinks mommy can't do any wrong. But guys find it harder to understand stuff like this. Takes women to understand women.

And i find it HILARIOUS that the guy told Pyari that his mom is "welcoming".........Oh YEAH? Well, if the mom was REALLY welcoming........she would welcome/invite Pyari AND her whole family on the SAME DAY!!!!!!

32

Re: advice on 1st imperssion...

^ See how much we women understand other women :)
But Yes i completely agree.Theres lots n lots of politics palyed in our system by these real/to b MILs n SILs.though the trends r changing n sumetimes the girls family take proposal to guys family too but in this story it does seem like a set-up.Also its so common in Pak that if u go n do stay at his house n talk nicely to guys brothers/male relatives the ladies of the house will take less than a sec to make up stories recking ur character.Paki ladies feel no shame in accusing anyone they dislike of any possible thing.We must b scaring u but take the back seat completely and let ur parents play th main role.Also do istikhara n make lots of Namaz-e-hajjah so if this match is meant f or u by Allah He will make things easy for u n melt ur future inlaws.
theres this amal of Kaaf Ha Ya Ain Suad (Haroof-e-Muqqataat from Surah Maryam).U say these words n close ur fingers one by one making a fist eg say Kaaf close finger 1,then say Ha close finger 2 until u say Suad n close thumb making a fist.On seeing the person u wanna win u open ur fist in the same order u closed.This amal makes other act in ur favour n its a permitted islamic amal nothing junter manter.So everytime u see ur MIL n Sil u can do it n Allah will turn them into ur favour Inshallah.

33

Re: advice on 1st imperssion...

Waaaaaaaaaaaay before I got engaged, there was a guy who liked me and I kinda liked him too. He lived in the States with his family and his parent knew he liked me. His dad asked him to invite ME - not my family - just ME over to dinner because his father wanted to meet me first. I told my mom this and she laughed. She said "agar unme thordi si bhi tameez hoti to humein phone karte aur tumhare baap se directly baat karte, bachon se kyun baat karrahe hein?". This is propriety and its there to preserve your position within the family. I didnt go and that relationship went south soon afterwards. They have to respect you and your parents before they move forward.

Pyari, dont get scared. Just hand the entire situation over to your parents and let them do what is best. They will make sure you're going into a good family and that you're happy. :) :)

34

i tried it just now... only 4fingers open? im not sure if im doing it right

35

so he didnt even run after u, after u did not go?

i really miss
36

so i just talked to him... he was suggesting my mom and nani bond with his mom while i bond with his sisters and see what goes on from there

37

Don't forget that your mom and nani can bond with his mom all they want......but if you hope to become daughter-in-law of that house.....you're gonna have to do some bonding with his mom too. If you pay more attention to the sisters, his mom might feel ignored.

The guy mentioned that one sister was nice while the other sister has an attitude problem, well be careful around that sister. Sometimes jealous sisters can be just as bad as jealous moms. I would still advise that before you start bonding with anyone (mom or sister) from his family......please make your mom aware of everything. And please don't go over his house for bonding without your mom. The family bonding can take place at your home.

You talked to they guy and asked him what mom and sisters were like. That was good. Consider asking guy what mom and sisters are interested in. And u should ask your MOM about things like how you should dress, act, behave, serve when his family comes meets yours.

38

Pyari if u r a smart girl then i am sure u'll consider all the gud advices given to u by Redvelvet and PS.....

these are the two people i can really trust and say that they know what they are talking abt when they r giving advices......

39

Thanks Anny. But I've read your posts and you give really good advice as well. After all, you're married and have more experience than us. And I'm learning from PSquared as well. Her advice is good too.

40

Re: advice on 1st imperssion...

Now If that guy's mother and sisters are like me then I won't like to the girl to come to my house no matter what.

Larkay ko khud apnay parents aur bahnon ko larki kay ghar lay kar jana chahyay.

Ask him to bring them to your house first.

Timepass - November 2012