I have been a lurker on these boards for a while but would be grateful on your thoughts on my problem (not really a problem but can’t stop thinking about it!)
About a month or so ago, I started speaking to a well educated guy with the prospect of getting married. Very sweet guy, moderately religious, found him to be very genuine, very very amusing and he seemed to tick all the right boxes lol
To cut the story short…I found alot of things ‘clicked’ for me and I was getting the same feeling from him but out of the blue he said he didn’t want to continue speaking as he didn’t feel the ‘click’ he was expecting! Argghhh! He said he was just a ‘nice guy’ and if he had pursued me, he would have ended up hurting me.
Anyway, he said it was a number of things that made him think it wouldn’t work but didn’t see me as anything more than someone he gets along with and although initially I too had a few doubts I think they were quite minor and easily overcome ! (I can expand on this if you wish)
So now I can’t stop thinking about him and I’m thinking will I ever find anyone that has all the qualities he had.
Actually, the things he is saying that didn’t click for him are mainly our personalities! The thing is though, I was quite reserved with him and I don’t think he understood that a month was just not enough for me to come out of my ‘shell.’ I tried explaining this but he said ‘no, he’d made up his mind and he would definitely not change it.’
So, guys I need you advice on what I should do (if anything) to get him out of my mind! lol (only sensible replies please…nothing like ‘find another victim’).
I've been a lurker on these boards too for quite a while.
All I can say is that I myself have met girls and the 'shell' thing depends on how much you are in contact with the person, if I was chatting for long periods of time for a month and I didn't see any progress I would definitely mention it and see if there is an improvement if not, then I would have to reluctantly move on.
In my opinion it depends on the guys personality if he is the outgoing type but still a nice guy then he wouldn't just end it but would mention the issue one way or another (as I normally do)!!!
Thank you for your comments :) Yes, I see what you're saying and we hadn't met in person so I guess that could partly be it! So we'd been talking on and off for about a month (not every day)...!
However, he mentioned me being 'reserved' and it not working and that's it! Didn't try to see if it would work!
From the convos he was verrry outgoing ! but I have to get to know someone to be like that with them!
I should perhaps conjure up a horrible image of him in my mind and pretend he wasn't nice lol
lovelychica, actually it was a good thing that you were reserved with him. Its a bad world out there you cant just trust anyone. In my humble opinion, most good muslim men out there , who are serious about marriage respect and totally understand a girls reserved behaviour. Imagine if you did open up with every tom ,dick and harry and they turn around and reject you , how hurt will you feel. Therefore please know that you did the right thing and he was very wrong in his expectation , I have never really trusted such men!
Secondly, If I were you , I would be literally hating him for such a pathetic cause of rejection !A month is nothing at all when it comes to knowing someone !! If you are worried you wont find the same qualities in someone else , then please put your fears to rest , there are many good men out there , who will see beyond the outward you and will touch your heart in one way or the other. Just have faith and keep looking. All good things take time to happen , remember that.
And just remember one other thing, dont ever be running after or thinking repeatedly about someone who has rejected you so blatantly. He doesnt deserve you at all … Inshallah when the right guy walks into your life , you will realize that all the more
Lovely, please you dont have to let go of yourself to find someone ... waiting for the right guy and choosing him as your life partner is better then being quick in choosing any tom dick and harry and then remaining unhappy !!
Dont worry inshallah it will work out .. have faith... keep looking .. and trust me it will happen , positive thinking really brings great results , try that.
Take half cup luke warm milk, add couple of cardimum (and sugar hasb-e-zaiqa, if you wish). Read 4 quls on it and drink, dip the forefingers in left over and massage over forehead.
You are meant to be reserved upto a point, if the guy noticed that you were not particapating in the convo or held back constantly then he would obviously assume you are not right for him.
I was chatting to a girl and met her twice and she was the outgoing type (through a friend) and yet she just stayed in her shell, lasted 6 weeks, what a waste. Tried chatting about everything but she gave answers which simply ended the topic there and then!!
Always be reserved but upto a point and obviously private issues are private so don't go there.
Don't know if the above makes sense but i'm not going over it again.
He did the right thing (as he sees it) and its about time that you do the right thing i.e move on ....get busy with life ... right guy will come...
One of my uncle (yeah real uncle and not every-other-person-we-know-is-an-uncle uncle) said once
"single person is like a tourist who is on train with destination unknown. When a station comes, he gets off the train, explore the place and if he/she does not like it, he boards the train again and start looking forward to next station and stop worrying about the previous station which was not meant for him to stay"
so this guy was just a station on the way to destination :)
Well we held a conversation alright ...spoke for hours on end when we did speak! I didn't sit on the other end of the line schtum!
I think it's important for both parties to be open and honest with each other from the start but I agree with Chicken Biryani that I just don't think near enough a month is enough to get to know someone!
Without talking this thread to death lol he had a whacky personality whereas I would say I'm more of a refined individual !
Decent 6Chora - I know I should, it just feels like a missed opportunity to express my true self but I guess everything happens for a reason..! Don't have regrets as its Allah's will. Typical woman (without generalising) ...I ponder too much over things!
funguy - no, we didn't meet in person...we spoke on the phone!
Well we held a conversation alright ...spoke for hours on end when we did speak! I didn't sit on the other end of the line schtum!
I think it's important for both parties to be open and honest with each other from the start but I agree with Chicken Biryani that I just don't think near enough a month is enough to get to know someone!
Without talking this thread to death lol he had a whacky personality whereas I would say I'm more of a refined individual !
Anyways, thank you guys for all your input :)
kia baat hy aap ki
But I thought he had "qualities"
funguy - no, we didn't meet in person...we spoke on the phone!
Forget about him then. He is most likely married in his late 40's and now that you are getting serious with him he is opting out to find another prey for another month.
Count your lucky stars you only wasted a few weeks.
… Inshallah when the right guy walks into your life , you will realize that all the more 