young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

[minah_pa]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

On the other side of the coin :)

Some of us love our work, too. I prefer to work, it makes me a saner person. No we don't have all the toys. My husband and I tend to have one meal a day while the kids have more, they are growing. We tend to save everything. My income is important to me because in my eyes it means I can pull my weight in my family. Any parent is a roll model and I want my kids to watch me get everything ready for them, take them to school, go to work, meet them at home and do what I can to be a productive member of society. My children know they are loved and because of my husbands and my examples, each have started working when they were 15 and have started dealing with being responsible, productive, taxpaying citizens.

Either way is right. I don't see it being a poor mother because I decide to work and raise kids and neither do my kids nor my husband.

I also have to mention that having dealt with the death of a spouse already, it is a lot easier to pull things together and start again if you are already established in a job, flex time is the name of the game these days and if you have a job that gives you that, why lose it?

PCG, I really think a lawyer is the job for you. You got the battle spirit and you make a lot of sense also.

Mo3, I think it is nice that you can stay at home and that you are able to keep your sanity with all four of your kids (yes, I said 4), but not all women think that is an ideal situation. Not everything was picture perfect in the 50's and 60's either. That is one of the reasons there was such a push for change during the 60's and the 70's. Those particular periods were very oppressive for American women and a lot more dangerous for children.

Anyway, not all women think staying at home is an ideal situation. Most of the women in my family work out of choice. When my family first got here in America, they worked out of necessity as recent immigrants learning the language and customs here, but now do it because everyone wants to contribute.

Some of us prefer to work because they love their jobs and the feeling of accomplishing something, same as raising a child will do, too.

[Ranjhan]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

For a lot of people both partners working is neccesary to make two ends meet and now I respect that (didn't use to) but I myself would feel less of a man if I couldn't feed my wife/wives, offspring and parents myself.

Call me old fashioned but I'd rather she kept the nest nice and cosy for our babies instead, if Allah forbid worse comes to worse I'd have her work from home but not in the scary big bad world out there.

[skhan]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

It's all about priorities. Chaadar dekh ke paoun phelao.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

My dad says I'll make a bad lawyer, because I'm too sissy.

:(

[Ranjhan]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

@Matsui

In Mahattan there are a lot of stay at home mom’s. That is because their husbands make enough so that they cn have that option. THere are also mom’s that work eventhough their husbands make enough, together with their husband they figure out ways to provide coverage, care etc. I don’t see kids in either situation being raised without love or being developmetally challenged.

What PCG said is true…go to queens…the desi mentality of kids being not cared for if their mothers work is so deeply embedded in their psyche that wives of cab drivers stay home on their fat asses, while the father works 22 hrs a day, sees his kids 1/2 day a week and cannot make enough to improve his family’s socio econimc standing. You know what this creates? This creates the culture of ghettofication of desis. They huddle together in pockets, their kids with no good long term prospects for better schooling or jobs, **hang out infront of Kebab King…**but you know what…their mothers are better because they stayed at home. Mashallah.

Amreeka mein bhi aisa hota hai?

A lot of Muslim and Sikh guys are like that over here as well whilst Hindu kids are almost always successful in life, reason is parents being educated vs. uneducated, all my Desi friends’ mothers are housewives but those whose mothers are educated are doing far better academically and get into less trouble whilst those whose mums can barely speak a sentence of English despite having lived here for 18-19 years their kids are messed up big time. Fathers work their backsides off and the uneducated mothers are spoiling their brats like crazy by giving them unneccesary freedom, looking over their faults and being unaware of where they’re at because of the language barrier.

[saimanyc]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

@Matsui

^ No..I have had this conversation so many times with my family…all are surgeons trianed in NYC hospitals living in cornell housing or NYU housing on $40K a year..spending 7 years doing residency, fellowships.. living on $40K a year because of subsidized lifestyles from their emplyers and family…which is good. I would bet money, Saiman’s getting help from the parents..money..to sit at home. In fact I would guarantee it…no one can live on the upper east side of manhattan on $40k if you are single…let alone if are married with a child and expecting another.

Yes, actually half of our rent is paid by the hospital. How else could any resident, with kids and wife survive in this city? And no our parents are not helping us because we don’t need anything. As I said we are blessed to be self-sufficient.

“Saimanyc: Again, you are totally missing my point. Financial survivorship is something this study ignores entirely. It goes from what WOMEN WANT (evidence) → REVERSAL OF ROLES (conclusion).”

So why is it now that I’m suddenly being compared to desi’s in Queens. If I discuss my own situation and reasons why I stay at home then how am I suddenly holier than thou?

[system]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

^ But ranjhan their kids are better off because they stayed at home. :mashallah:

So what if they raised morons because they were morons.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

saima, that little detail makes all the difference. Because then you're really not surviving on 40-50K, you're surviving on much more. :)

[saimanyc]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

@PyariCgudia

saima, that little detail makes all the difference. Because then you’re really not surviving on 40-50K, you’re surviving on much more.

Shukar Al Humdolillah

[system]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

Self suffiencent meaning indpendentally wealthy? Good for you...there is no way..if your husband is making $50K a year and yo have one child and another on the way, that you can live in manhattan without outside assistance if you don;t work. Food, clothing, entertainment, conveyance etc alone would be $25k a year...that is net cash from your husband's salary. remainder would go to rent. that means..you are living on either credit cards or have havea fairy god mother.

Regarding holier than thou attitude...weren;t you the one who said.."kids whose mom's work seem like they aer lacking someting" or something to that effect? madam, i would quite while you are behind.

[saimanyc]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

@Matsui

Regarding holier than thou attitude…weren;t you the one who said..“kids whose mom’s work seem like they aer lacking someting” or something to that effect? madam, i would quite while you are behind.

We’re discussing this thread Matsui. Why are you bringing up another thread? See I knew you took something personally. Ok..I didn’t mean your kids. Of the nanny raised kids I know here in Manhattan..yes, they do miss their parents. They don’t get the kind of attention and love from a nanny that they would get from their own mothers. That was my point in the other thread.

[skhan]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

Talk about going out of your way to justify your ehsaas e mehroomi

[Mariah]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

@Ranjhan

Amreeka mein bhi aisa hota hai?

A lot of Muslim and Sikh guys are like that over here as well whilst Hindu kids are almost always successful in life, reason is parents being educated vs. uneducated, all my Desi friends’ mothers are housewives but those whose mothers are educated are doing far better academically and get into less trouble whilst those whose mums can barely speak a sentence of English despite having lived here for 18-19 years their kids are messed up big time. Fathers work their backsides off and the uneducated mothers are spoiling their brats like crazy by giving them unneccesary freedom, looking over their faults and being unaware of where they’re at because of the language barrier.

Maybe that is the case now, but not when I was growing up. My father, though a graduate from Pak was doing three different jobs, and my mother ran a clothes shop from home. She had that and half a dozen kids to sort out, and she did it to precision. Masahallah we all have our brains in gear and are successful, and its all to do with HER upbringing.
She wasnt educated, but she is my Superwoman.

And as for fathers working their backsides off, not one guy now can match the amount of work our fathers did. These days most of them only work a small amount of hours so they get more from the Working families Tax Credit Fund!!!

[Mamaof3]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

ok people, talk about derailing a thread. The question is

"What would women PREFER - stay at home or work" (being able to make the choice).

All the reponses here are valid but most are not pertinent to the thread. I'd be curious to corner some of these guppies and guppans into actually answering this question.

[Sara516]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

@Ranjhan

Amreeka mein bhi aisa hota hai?

A lot of Muslim and Sikh guys are like that over here as well whilst Hindu kids are almost always successful in life, reason is parents being educated vs. uneducated, all my Desi friends’ mothers are housewives but those whose mothers are educated are doing far better academically and get into less trouble whilst those whose mums can barely speak a sentence of English despite having lived here for 18-19 years their kids are messed up big time. Fathers work their backsides off and the uneducated mothers are spoiling their brats like crazy by giving them unneccesary freedom, looking over their faults and being unaware of where they’re at because of the language barrier.

First you say that you don’t want your wife to work and then you call those women who stay at home uneducated morons spoiling their brats?That’s great yo :k:

My mother’s lived here for 21 years, never held a job or got any post-metric education, here or in Pak. Despite that, she speaks enough English. My father worked hard but that didn’t mean my mother was lazy and stupid and give me or my brother “unnecessary freedom”. I don’t roam about the streets for no reason, my brother doesn’t chill with loser friends in front of Kabab King. My mother may nto be a doctor or scientist or that educated, but she’s, and my father, have done the best job under the circumstances.

Getting back on topic: what would I choose:

I am a college student right now, and I don’t work. However, when I do finish college and getmy degree, i awnt to get a decent job so i feel like I am contributing something, to my family, to myself, to gain the feeling of independence and self-sufficiency, even if I never plan on completely living alone and independently. When i get married, I’ll talk it over with my husband, and do what we feel is best at the time. And when i have kids (inshallah) I do not want to work, at least while they’re very young…

[suroor_ca02]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

moral of the thread is :

kuch ho to woh bhi ghalat na ho to woh bhi ghalat.
insaan kisi haal mein khush nahien hai

[Faisal]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

There are a lot of things said here, but I pretty much agree with Matsui's first initial post that said that it all depends on individual situation, and there is not necessarily only one right way.

Having said that, I'd like to make just one comment. Some women I know would work just for the sake of work. These are women who don't have to work, as they live in million dollar houses, drive latest Honda minivans paid for by their husbands and work as teacher's assistant or someother "job" which is probably just a half step above volunteer work. They get paid minimum pay, and almost all of it is either taxed away (on the married couple highest marginal tax rate) or paid to the nanny. Aray bhai.. what did you get out of it, except spending less time with your kids? And these are dead end jobs. Unless there is an future upswing potential, I call them "zabardasti ki job". They missed every single parent activity in their kids schools.

On the other hand, I see a few of my collegues, whose wives are professionals from day one. In some cases, the wife is making more than the husband and both partners are bringing home $500k+. Thats real money. Some other examples I see, husband makes $120k and wife makes $18k.. what kinda parity is that? In many cases I don't think there is any marginal benefit, except the wife thinks she is doing something really worthwhile by working.

[Sara516]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

^

If my husband made that kind of money, I think i'd still do that sort of job, or volunteering 1) so I'm not idle and bored, and 2) to feel like I am doing something worthwile. Maybe those women feel like they are really contributing something to society and have a sense of self-worth by volunteering? Like I said, I won't do that when kids are young, but when they get older, like high school or college, then why not work/volunteer?

[saimanyc]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

@Faisal

Some other examples I see, husband makes $120k and wife makes $18k.. what kinda parity is that? In many cases I don’t think there is any marginal benefit, except the wife thinks she is doing something really worthwhile by working.

Well this kind of situation was like my mother’s. When we, her kids got old enough, full time in school and independent, my mother yearned for her own outlet. She wanted to contribute in her own way and get out of the house. She wanted her own income. I think her identity was so tied with being a mom that when we didn’t ‘need’ her anymore, she found a job could fulfill some of her own needs too. But you’re right, there are so many different kinds of situations and it all comes down to choice. We’re lucky in this society to have that freedom of choice.

[Goliko]

Re: young women yearn for 1950s role as stay-at-home mums

@Sara516

I am a college student right now, and I don’t work. However, when I do finish college and getmy degree, i awnt to get a decent job so i feel like I am contributing something, to my family, to myself, to gain the feeling of independence and self-sufficiency, even if I never plan on completely living alone and independently. When i get married, I’ll talk it over with my husband, and do what we feel is best at the time. And when i have kids (inshallah) I do not want to work, at least while they’re very young…

Good answer…it’s your own choices that you should worry about most…not what others are saying…