Wrong girl for brother

[AnGeL_EyEs]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

@pinks

AoA XoXo,

You should make your utmost efforts in guiding your brother out of this sinful life and show him how huge his sins are! Everything you have mentioned are actions that are completely not allowed in Islam, and somehow u have to make efforts to knock this fact into his head!

Start off with subtle things like taking him to Islamic lectures that are particularly on this topic, at times, they have 2/3 days camps where a lot of Muslim brothers would get together for fun while instilling the concepts of Deen into the next generation... maybe that might help... remind him of death, none of us have a guarenete of living till tomorrow so what kinda account is he going to face Allah SWT with?

This girl doesn't have a good track record, so unless she does dramatically change, she isn't going to be good for his deen or dunya, hence I cant see how marriage is the right way to go about it! However, if he still insists, then yes maybe suggest marriage.... at least it'll put an end to his sinful relationship with this girl!

And make lots and lots of dua for him!!! there are a few duas one can read in times of stress, as well as stuff life namaz-e-haajat.

Again, no need to get on his back too much, be subtle about it and continue to love and show your support to him... but if he doesn't change his ways, then let him be, continue to pray for him, but dont break your relationship. Inshallah sooner then later he will realise his mistakes.

I pray that all goes well for you and your family, Amin. May Allah SWT protect the Iman of each and every Muslim brohter and sister, Amin.

I agree with everything you have said above .......however this can only work if his sister is religious herself....otherwise she will sound like a big hypocrite and he'll see her as that as well.

[pinks]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

@Rocking_vibes

I only feel bad for the parents who have hopes that their son will take care of them......I hope they understand ke Zamana badal gaya hai and they shd foresee that their son is useless in terms of taking care of them.

this is indeed so depressing... i see old couple with 5 sons (all married) living in different parts of the world and the poor old parents, waiting for someone to visit them once in 3 years!!! :(

@AnGeL_EyEs

I agree with everything you have said above .......however this can only work if his sister is religious herself....otherwise she will sound like a big hypocrite and he'll see her as that as well.

agreed! i guess maybe if she is sincere then she may (or may not) need to change herself... however, none of us are perfect Muslims... we can only try I guess :(

[desigirl786]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

I have the same sitation my brother is the only son and his girlfriend while she doesn't culb or smoke or sleep around is something like the girlfriend you described above i also sometimes wonder if i should tell my parents but then again come on he is 21..an adult..he knows what he is doing..but sometimes girls have the tendency of luring guys into their arms with sweet arms and what not..is it too late to change his mind?

[pinks]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

^ The Quran tells (mafhoom) us to help one another in Piety and Taqwa but not in sin and transgession. You would have to answer it yourself... is your not telling your parents encouraging his sinnig (or at least providing him with an easy way of committing it).

Dawah is compulsory on every Muslim, and who owes this right upon us more then our relatives?

Dont blame the girl... if you say your'e brother is an adult then this is his decision to commit sin, not the girl's.

And it is possible for 50 years old to not know the gravity of the sins they commit, so how about your 21 yr old bhai?

It is never too late for a person to change and get back onto the path that would please Allah SWT (and Him only), so plz try to do so.

My brother had a couple of desi friends... they were into a lot of the fitnas present in the kaafir societies we live in, but Subhanallah both of them have changed so dramatically... one of them just woke up one day and realised how wrong he'd been, and the other took it one step further... he deferred his degree and went to some Islamic university in Madina for a year!

guide him to the best of your ability, make loads of dua and leave the rest to Allah SWT.

[amana]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

^ I'm sorry, but this is laughable. Your brother has a girlfriend who "lured" him astray, but you have a boyfriend who "changed" for you. Let me guess - your relationship is innocent, but your brother's is not? Hearing girls who have boyfriends/girlfriends complaining that someone led their brother astray is just a wee bit hypocritical.

Then again, tell your parents about your brother - at least it may serve to distract them ;)

[yourfriend]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

@xoxo1

im not going to my mom to rat about the gf. i am going to my mom to tell her what my brother is doing. how is that blaming the girl alone? i blame him also. if u havent read what i wrote before, he is doing these things too and that is the main reason i want my mom to talk to him. he was NEVER like that before. i have lived my entire life with him, if he was ever that kinda person i wud have let it be. but u think i cant see what shes doing? she has influenced my br in the most horrible way and thats where my problem is. why do u think i keep saying that my parents will be hurt if they find out? BECAUSE my brother himself is getting sucked into this. this is not how they have raised us to be and sadly hes the only one in the family who is doing this and it needs to end.

implications in your all posts clearly suggests that you are putting all the blame on the girl... and i m not the only one who felt that way.... probably u need to re-read all the posts.
anyways .. like few people suggested above, i m strongly against the idea of 'you should let him on his own'..you must NOT. he is your brother and his one wrong move will not only effect him, but also to your whole family. do your best to stop him. and involve your parents as soon as possible.

[somegroovychick]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

@amana

^ I'm sorry, but this is laughable. Your brother has a girlfriend who "lured" him astray, but you have a boyfriend who "changed" for you. Let me guess - your relationship is innocent, but your brother's is not? Hearing girls who have boyfriends/girlfriends complaining that someone led their brother astray is just a wee bit hypocritical.

Then again, tell your parents about your brother - at least it may serve to distract them ;)

i have to agree with this... i don't get the whole "luring the boy into evil tendency" comment... TWO people make up the relationship... nobody is compelling her brother to spend the night in a hotel with this girl. no matter how innocent you want to pretend your brother is in all of this, he's not.
if you want to tell your parents, thats your decision, but be prepared for the fall-out too. go into it knowing the consequences won't be all cheerful and happy.

[kaun]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

somegroovychick as much as i wanna agree wid u i cant, as i was in a similar situation as i was and am still in love with this girl who no one in ma family liked and all these things were blamed on her as well as no one blames their own blood ( u know ) and i said the same thing that no matter wat it is ma life and no one else is being affected and if it is a wrong decision it is mine, it sounds really good but in reality when it comes to messed up situations no one other than ur family comes to help u. I agree that she should not go an talk to her mom about this but for sure she shouldnt keep mum about it as in the end nothing happens to the guy but the family gets messed up specially the parents and trust me no kid likes that their parents are being hurt by ur own sibling as this ruins their life in turn as well, plus no one likes to live in a tensed household. Hope i am making some sense as i went thru this first hand tho i was the brother and ma family at the recieving end.

[somegroovychick]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

so what happened in your case? your parents got upset and you dumped her? i'm guessing you didn't stand by her and your "this is my life and my decision" statements?

generally speaking, i honestly feel sorrier for the girls in these situations... it feels like they're never given an opportunity to explain themselves or their situations- they just get villifed by society, and never given a second chance. and then they get left behind by guys not strong enough to stand up for their choices. guys meanwhile seem to get away scot-free - have their cake and eat it too, if you will - the whole concept is so medieval and archaic, it really bothers me. sorry if i'm veering a bit off topic here but i've known girls, good girls who get the "Bad girl" tag simply because they decided to find out what they wanted in a mate and try and maybe meet someone on their own. and just when push comes to shove, the guys just collapse under parental pressure. how chicken **** can you get? you make promises and don't stand up for them? not being able to keep your word to someone... thats worse than being "teyz", in my opinion. and to clarify, i'm not attacking anybody here, i'm just talking generally.

[Sara516]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

The more i'm reading this thread, the more i'm starting to feel sorrier for the girl.

[Dushwari]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

first of all, you are a wonderful sister and your brother WILL thank you sometime, sooner or later.
second, given what you are saying, your brother needs to know his morals.
the young woman he is with, has none, apparently, as well.
instead of sitting you Mom down, get the two of them down.
get them to write about their relationship and where they see themselves in commitment in it to each other. if it is all about the touchy feely silly sentimental advantage taking of each other for the moment, they will have to really be a strong couple, if they were to get married ever soon or at a later day.
he is too young and i presume, his significant other is as well.
you clearly tell him and her that they need to get out of college with a decent degree, begin working, have honesty with each other, and get them to know that their marriage has to happen, or else, this indecent getting together is not going to be tolerated.
and he can get his behind out of your parents' home and try living on WASTING his assets of limits, resources of money, personal honesty, choice of morals or no morals, and not to mention, his virginity.
that young woman cannot marry him, unless, she has her act together.
if she is not a Muslim, then it is just the same, if it is a Muslim girl.
both are without characters, in such situations.
no power in this world can make anyone of a young age, lose their self respect and be so selfish and thick headed, that they would think that doing this is actually making them feel that they have ARRIVED in adulthood.
with the intimacy level, the wasted money and time of your brother, it does not even suit a married couple to be so.
just an opinion.
you want to put them to test.
beat them at their own game.
try to warn both of their observed behaviors.
if your brother talks back, tell him about STD, HIV.
if he still does not listen to you, GET HIM MARRIED to this young woman.
so that he can live with his lesson, for the rest of his good life.
so give a benefit of doubt to the young woman.
as a woman yourself, try to bring out a better, saner, nicer, young innocent person in her, if you can. i know you must be angry at this person.
but do your best in being patient.
you also want to make sure, that right now, it is not about your brother's marriage as it is too early.
but it is about his future other than marriage related issue.
he has at risk behavior with this relationship, especially if the young woman is a care free selfish and greedy person.
i wish you well. all power to you as a caring elder sibling.

best,
Dushwari

[somegroovychick]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

the kicker is, we don't know the girl at all! even from a sister's POV, it seems these observations are all surface observations. you dont know whats in her heart, you dont know what promises her brother has made to this girl since he's not acting without self-will since he's not a robot but a human being, nor do you know what their relationship is like. this just seem likes mostly conjecture and based off other people's opinions and personal likes/dislikes.
gah! i give up.
good luck talking to your parents. i hope things work out for the best for you and your family, but i also hope you can find it in you to be a bit more understanding about this girl too. maybe she's looking for attention cos her home life sucks, or maybe this is who she is. regardless, keep an open mind about things. if your bro does decide to stick with her and marry her, be prepared to give her a chance for the sake of future relationships.

why don't you talk to your brother and find out exactly what they're up to and how serious they are. and then maybe let your bro know how you feel and how your parents will feel. after that, i think you'll have done your duty to him-- you've told him you think what he's doing his wrong, you've told him what is islamically right/wrong, and you've warned him of the consequences as laid out by Allah. after that, the ball is in his court and he gets to choose whether he continues or not. i strongly feel that parents need to hear these things first hand, not from siblings and cousins or other family- this is between them.

[kaun]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

so what happened in your case? your parents got upset and you dumped her? i'm guessing you didn't stand by her and your "this is my life and my decision" statements?

generally speaking, i honestly feel sorrier for the girls in these situations... it feels like they're never given an opportunity to explain themselves or their situations- they just get villifed by society, and never given a second chance. and then they get left behind by guys not strong enough to stand up for their choices. guys meanwhile seem to get away scot-free - have their cake and eat it too, if you will - the whole concept is so medieval and archaic, it really bothers me. sorry if i'm veering a bit off topic here but i've known girls, good girls who get the "Bad girl" tag simply because they decided to find out what they wanted in a mate and try and maybe meet someone on their own. and just when push comes to shove, the guys just collapse under parental pressure. how chicken **** can you get? you make promises and don't stand up for them? not being able to keep your word to someone... thats worse than being "teyz", in my opinion. and to clarify, i'm not attacking anybody here, i'm just talking generally.

girl in ma case i did not leave her but well thats a long story but she is happy now and am still single duz that say somin, but then this is not about me, as far as weak guys and poor girls go man u got to say TAALI EK HAATH SEY NAHI BAJTI so please dont go there, as in this case i said it in ma previous post i do feel sorry for this girl and am not blaming the girl nor am i saying that the guy should leave her but i wont even support the notion of keeping quiet and letting the guy do wat he wants without caring bout the family i dont think he can leave ppl who have been with him all his life for someone who came in less then a year ago.

[kaun]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

first of all, you are a wonderful sister and your brother WILL thank you sometime, sooner or later. second, given what you are saying, your brother needs to know his morals. the young woman he is with, has none, apparently, as well. instead of sitting you Mom down, get the two of them down. get them to write about their relationship and where they see themselves in commitment in it to each other. if it is all about the touchy feely silly sentimental advantage taking of each other for the moment, they will have to really be a strong couple, if they were to get married ever soon or at a later day. he is too young and i presume, his significant other is as well. you clearly tell him and her that they need to get out of college with a decent degree, begin working, have honesty with each other, and get them to know that their marriage has to happen, or else, this indecent getting together is not going to be tolerated. and he can get his behind out of your parents' home and try living on WASTING his assets of limits, resources of money, personal honesty, choice of morals or no morals, and not to mention, his virginity. that young woman cannot marry him, unless, she has her act together. if she is not a Muslim, then it is just the same, if it is a Muslim girl. both are without characters, in such situations. no power in this world can make anyone of a young age, lose their self respect and be so selfish and thick headed, that they would think that doing this is actually making them feel that they have ARRIVED in adulthood. with the intimacy level, the wasted money and time of your brother, it does not even suit a married couple to be so. just an opinion. you want to put them to test. beat them at their own game. try to warn both of their observed behaviors. if your brother talks back, tell him about STD, HIV. if he still does not listen to you, GET HIM MARRIED to this young woman. so that he can live with his lesson, for the rest of his good life. so give a benefit of doubt to the young woman. as a woman yourself, try to bring out a better, saner, nicer, young innocent person in her, if you can. i know you must be angry at this person. but do your best in being patient. you also want to make sure, that right now, it is not about your brother's marriage as it is too early. but it is about his future other than marriage related issue. he has at risk behavior with this relationship, especially if the young woman is a care free selfish and greedy person. i wish you well. all power to you as a caring elder sibling.

best, Dushwari

Dushwari and SGChick i now agree with both of u and as i see the basic idea is to talk to both, as i said b4 dont involve parents but u have to communicate with the couple, u cant just base ur decision over assumptions.

[xoxo1]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

who are you talking to here?

@amana

^ I'm sorry, but this is laughable. Your brother has a girlfriend who "lured" him astray, but you have a boyfriend who "changed" for you. Let me guess - your relationship is innocent, but your brother's is not? Hearing girls who have boyfriends/girlfriends complaining that someone led their brother astray is just a wee bit hypocritical.

Then again, tell your parents about your brother - at least it may serve to distract them ;)

[xoxo1]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

i really dont know how late it is.

@desigirl786

I have the same sitation my brother is the only son and his girlfriend while she doesn't culb or smoke or sleep around is something like the girlfriend you described above i also sometimes wonder if i should tell my parents but then again come on he is 21..an adult..he knows what he is doing..but sometimes girls have the tendency of luring guys into their arms with sweet arms and what not..is it too late to change his mind?

[xoxo1]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

thanks, they claim to be 'serious'

first of all, you are a wonderful sister and your brother WILL thank you sometime, sooner or later. second, given what you are saying, your brother needs to know his morals. the young woman he is with, has none, apparently, as well. instead of sitting you Mom down, get the two of them down. get them to write about their relationship and where they see themselves in commitment in it to each other. if it is all about the touchy feely silly sentimental advantage taking of each other for the moment, they will have to really be a strong couple, if they were to get married ever soon or at a later day. he is too young and i presume, his significant other is as well. you clearly tell him and her that they need to get out of college with a decent degree, begin working, have honesty with each other, and get them to know that their marriage has to happen, or else, this indecent getting together is not going to be tolerated. and he can get his behind out of your parents' home and try living on WASTING his assets of limits, resources of money, personal honesty, choice of morals or no morals, and not to mention, his virginity. that young woman cannot marry him, unless, she has her act together. if she is not a Muslim, then it is just the same, if it is a Muslim girl. both are without characters, in such situations. no power in this world can make anyone of a young age, lose their self respect and be so selfish and thick headed, that they would think that doing this is actually making them feel that they have ARRIVED in adulthood. with the intimacy level, the wasted money and time of your brother, it does not even suit a married couple to be so. just an opinion. you want to put them to test. beat them at their own game. try to warn both of their observed behaviors. if your brother talks back, tell him about STD, HIV. if he still does not listen to you, GET HIM MARRIED to this young woman. so that he can live with his lesson, for the rest of his good life. so give a benefit of doubt to the young woman. as a woman yourself, try to bring out a better, saner, nicer, young innocent person in her, if you can. i know you must be angry at this person. but do your best in being patient. you also want to make sure, that right now, it is not about your brother's marriage as it is too early. but it is about his future other than marriage related issue. he has at risk behavior with this relationship, especially if the young woman is a care free selfish and greedy person. i wish you well. all power to you as a caring elder sibling.

best, Dushwari

[Sara516]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

LOL ok why wud u even think that? Is it b/c I’m not agreeing with you 100% that you think I’d stick up for someone just b/c of their caste?? IF you read back a few posts, i even said that caste has nothing to do wiht this situation because it seems like her character is a bigger problem for you, but still you’re making a big deal about the caste, and that’s even more evident now thanks to your post…I guess everyone else here who doesn’t automatically “hate” the girl is also Punjabi :pagli:

[pinks]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

i dont hate the girl (cant dislike someone i dont know) and I ain't punjabi (i'm urdu speaking, just thought I'd make it clear)

XoXo... wud u seriously be more ok with your brother's behaviour had the girl been urdu speaking?

[Sara516]

Re: Wrong girl for brother

i dont hate the girl (cant dislike someone i dont know) and I ain't punjabi (i'm urdu speaking, just thought I'd make it clear)

XoXo... wud u seriously be more ok with your brother's behaviour had the girl been urdu speaking?

??