Will he change?

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: Will he change?

Just a general question to the ladies/gents advising things like this

'confront him' ,
'ask him why the hell you married me',
'ask him why you are behaving like this'
'ask him whats your problem'
'setting his mind straight'
etc etc

now when she says those things to her 'stupid' husband............what do you think will be his reaction? and how it will solve her problem?will it make her husband love her and show her affection?

62

Re: Will he change?

He is not showing affection either way so might as well confront and find out why so that she has something to work on possibly?!

63

Re: Will he change?

Sorry to say this lady gaga but I don't see any future in this marriage, if you try to change today, tomorrow it'll be something else for him to b1tch about.. get out of this marriage now or ten years later (after all this suffering) choice is yours.. by the way how old is he?

64

Re: Will he change?

okay here's another piece of unwanted advice... just ask him at the right moment if he likes you... (w/t the cuddling) he'll say: of course i do, then you ask him what does he like about you, he'll tell you the things he does like... and this way you'll start concentrating on the positives rather than the negatives. The guy never said he dint like you did he... so either he's grumpy, his friends tell him this is how to control your wife, he has always had an attitude with women, clingy wife is a huge turnoff for him etc etc.
Oh but make sure the conversation doesn't get into the things i don't like about you zone... somethings are better unsaid esp. in a long-term relationship.
If his answer to your first question is undecided or a blunt no (highly improbable) than you have to seriously consider if you can put up with this for the rest of your life or not.
Lastly: fight attitude with a little attitude... not too openly but deliberately of course and keep telling yourself you are being a good wife and will get the reward for it no matter how things work out in the future... which I pray will workout great InshAllah!

65

Re: Will he change?

You know this wouldnt be the best of things to say to some one who JUST got married and is trying her level best. Sometimes, its so easy to blurt out things because you yourself are not present in the situation.

Instead of diving to such conclusions, the better advises are those already given - improve yourself, calmly talk to him, confront if need be, indulge in other things of life, ignore him for a while, do things he likes, try to know the positives etc. I am sorry but some times things said in the forum are way too harsh just because some one here is seeking an advise.

66

Re: Will he change?

sugar coating is not the best policy. You really think she hasn't improved her self or confronted him about it? Such people are mentally messed up, unless he seeks some help, I don't think he will change at all.

67

Re: Will he change?

Every marriage requires effort and your best. Most people here too say that the first year is tough and brings a lot of change. She and he too are adjusting to the change and they should be given their due time. 2 months is a really short time!

Jumping to scary conclusions and that too right at the start of a relation, just because its easier to suggest, is not some thing wise to do. She has said a number of times, he isnt that bad and she likes him, the main problem is he istnt expressive instead is critical and she is the opposite sort who loves cuddling and kissing etc. They need time together and that time be spent in improving themselevs and knowign each other more instead of going their ways.

68

Re: Will he change?

You are very optimistic daffyDuck which is good but her problem is different than the one you've mentioned above which requires time and effort. She improves on one thing bam there comes another demand, she fixes that but the husband is still not happy. Just like you can't treat every other disease out there the same, you can't treat every marriage the same way as well.. you said they need spending time together and getting to know each other more, but what's the point of spending quality time together when all he talks about her flaws and brings her self esteem to zero. He needs some counseling first or else she will be miserable staying in this marriage forever.

69

Re: Will he change?

wait wait waittttttt there are tooo many assumptions here... no he is not gay, and i dont think he married with family pressure. I'm told he rejected countless rishtas before marrying me. He has never said he doent like me, infact says im a good person and blended in so well with his family. The only problem is his picking on me, which irritates me the most. He thinks MY behaviour is kiddish and immature when i get annoyed at these things (no kissing, no clinging, no praising). I havent tried to be closer to him since two days. He is otherwise a very friendly person, i enjoy quite a lot with him. But we are not just friends, i need affection and a special bonding without loosing my self esteem. I understand he is missing family and home and being away in this cold is not easy but he shud think of me too. Btw he is around 29.

Thankyou guys for taking ur time out and writing your thoughts on this. Will let you know how things turn out.

70

Re: Will he change?

Hi,

Speaking from a male's perspective here, my opinion is that you will need to use the powers of deduction to rule out what is going on with him.

Firstly, the first thing women do when being rejected and criticised is to view themselves from a third person. Am I attractive to him? Are these small imperfections on my body really that small? etc

Looking like a farmer can get some male loins stirring but on the majority, males do have their preference of look but most females shapes and sizes are appeasing.

So to dress up to his taste will not get you very far, as he will become bored of that look and should still find you sexually attractive even if you haven't got a haldi stain on your kameez.

You will need delve deeper emotionally. Perhaps he finds a woman's body intimidating which is why he finds imperfections?
You can use this to your advantage by covering up what he sees as an imperfection of your body to spice things up. I'm not saying wear a T-shirt to bed but use this opportunity to use lingerie which will make you more attractive to him.

Don't be so forcefully with the touchy feely stuff too, step back a bit and make him earn it so his hands are all over you rather than the other way round. You two haven't courted before so it's new territory for both of you.

In conclusion once you have deducted the reason behind this (i.e he isn't gay or retarted), start from the beginning so that he can become emotionally attached to you. Once he has respect for you emotionally he will respect your body too.

All the best.

71

Re: Will he change?

Yes thats right, when i fix one thing something else turns up. I even had my mole removed for him (i'm glad i did it, i look much better now BUT i did it for him), got rid of acne, now how do i get a model like figure and countless other things he has problem with :(
I just pray to Allah and have faith in him that he accept me and love me the way i deserve to be loved. I never thought my relationship with my husband will be like this, I never expected much other than some love and care.

72

Re: Will he change?

Some good points there..

73

Re: Will he change?

I've seen this situation quite a lot in recent years. A lot of the guys who marry and move abroad were much happier in Pakistan. Okay, missing your family and your home is one thing but you gotta get on with life here too? I don't remember my father and other men in his generation acting like this when they Pakistan and back then it was a much bigger deal because you had no idea when you'd see your family again.

This is not the behaviour of a person who cares for their partner. The affection thing, one can understand because not everyone is touchy feely, but the rest? A caring, loving person would have a positive reaction when you* do* do the right thing and encourage that. We all have preferences in our husband's/wive's for the way they look.. particular clothes, particular hairstyles etc etc but that doesn't mean when the person is not in that state, we are repulsed by them. To be honest, at this early stage, you should be having no problems with intimacy or affection regardless of how you look.
And that honeymoon thing is just plain weird, who says something like that unless they really don't want to be there?

Yeh, the first year of marriage can be hard but when people say it, it's for these sorts of reasons.

74

Re: Will he change?

That bonding should be there automatically after the first sexual interaction between husband and wife so this is quite odd and rare if he acts like that.

75

Re: Will he change?

ok she finds out (which is quite improbable)..then what??
Just a month into marriage......and the girl has to be so IMPATIENT that either she gets what she wants or else its divorce?? do you people think marriage n divorce is childsplay?......she is stuck in a bad situation....instead of encouraging desperation and intolerance and hasty emotional confrontation......people should be advising her some way to solve the problem.....

I am truely amazed at people advising divorce for each and every bad situation....

if things don't work out...she can divorce anytime later......at least she needs to make an effort once or twice before breaking off everything...

obviously its odd and rare......but do you advise her to have a confrontation with the guy / or file for divorce as some very 'wise' people have suggested..

you are a married one so i think your advice would be most appropriate...

76

Re: Will he change?

im not even thinking of divorce or seperation, thats tooo extreme!! I just want to make things better. I think i can win his love and affection. By writing here i wanted to vent and tell somebody of my feelings and hear if people had similar experience. Divorce is a no no, i should give him some time to get used to me.

77

Re: Will he change?

I felt an instant bonding after that but we still have some sexual issues

78

Re: Will he change?

That says it all.

I wouldn't suggest divorce. Get to know his taste but don't give him too much attention and act as a confident person in front of him.

79

Re: Will he change?

And if he acts stupid or ignores the questions, don't do him for a month.

80

Re: Will he change?

Gaga, I think it's clear that you had developed some kind of bond once you had had your nikkah and knew that he was going to be your life partner. Generally, men develop this bond too, unless there is some problem.

The problems are with him, not you.

You will put in so much effort and hope into trying to make him accept you, that if he doesn't it will be crushing. If it sounded like it would make a difference, I'd be all for it. But as I said earlier, I think these are just attacks. The root of the problem is something else. It's like the girl who is jealous of her friend getting married so she will find things to criticise in all the arrangements.

I'm not saying don't try. From what I have read, you have been trying, so keep doing so but as long as they made you happy, so regardless of whether it pleases him, you will feel happier and more confident.

He's the one that needs to change his attitude but not sure how you can make that happen.