wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

It would be best to leave those to God. That is between her and God.

And the child will be hurt more from learning that his mother left him. He's young. Spare him the pain. It may never be necessary for the child to learn that. He will of course learn that his mother abandoned him, but the cheating part is not necessary at all.

42

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

She doesn't "deserve" to know it. No. The marriage belonged to those two. Mom was only an outsider. You don't "deserve" facts about your children's spouse's life, even if it affects your child. Especially not when it will impact the grandkid so negatively.

43

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

If anyone wants to understand why feminists question double standards, this is why.

This double standard exists because of patriarchal traditions too.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Well obviously the husband....who actually knows his own mother and his extended family.....seems to disagree with you.

Of course the son has been damaged. I acknowledged that earlier. But does that mean its perfectly ok to create a situation where he could experience more emotional trauma?

45

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

for kid hubby should keep her.
for wife hubby should sleep around too, to get even.

46

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Some of you really need a little spanking. His wife had an affair, now what part do you not understand. Not only she admitted, she decided to move out leaving her son behind. If this isn't asking for divorce I don't know what is. And take this emotional trauma/effect BS away from here. Divorce effects a child but not as much as some of you make it out to be. Damn feminists.

47

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

He needs to gather his mom and dad in a room and tell them that its super duper confidential and they shouldn't talk to anyone else about it. Then he should go on with the whole story and tell them the reason why he doesn't want this story to leak out. I hope this will give him support that the needs.

Btw sooner or later the child must know what his mother did. You can't raise him based on some lie. The mother will have to do some explaining to do later on, but its her headache.

48

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

this.

cant believe some ppl are actually making excuses for her like "her husband must have pushed her" crap. Get real. If things were tht bad with the husband, she should have gotten herself a divorce and moved on, instead she trashed not only herself but also his name and reputation. Beygharti ki inteha. Good on the hubs for keeping it a 'secret' for his sons sake, exactly how many women would do tht? Abt zero.

49

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

The coworkers will know ofcourse. Frankly, everyone will know. Even of he doesnt say the words.

Reminds me of a similar situation that happened few years ago with a couple in our place. Both were residents, with 2 kids. Towards end of residency, husband had a chance for training in a very good liver transplant centre in Germany for a year, so he went there, but he was not getting any salary there. After few months, they started to have fights. She claimed it was because he is not paying her expenses. When people mentioned he is not getting paid, she told, he had money in his account. His point was, yes, he has money in his account, but he doesn't feel comfortable spending it out, while she is getting paid well enough to pass the year and once he is back on job, he will start paying. Anyway, they divorced, wife shortly married an old rich businessman who lived nearby, who had grown up kids, a wife back home and a second wife whom he had just divorced.

None of us beleived her, we all knew she was having affair with businessman once her husband was away and the expenses were just an excuse. Husband never said anything about affair, but people's opinion about her is still the same, that she cheated. Now he has custody of the kids, while she has no kids from next marriage.

It never remains a "secret".

50

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

BTW, I don't agree with the notion that husband not making a noise is "protecting" the kid. For the kid, her mother abandoning him is in itslef is an enough insult or taunt, same goes with marrying her boss.

However, its better for him not to go around shouting what happened because, sometimes it earns you more respect acting as dignified person that being a vindictive vengeful.

51

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Didn't read thread. Great post.

Confused abt lat two words. What do feminists have to do with this?

52

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Actually the husband's desire to protect her secret stems from his unwillingness to deal with it. OP specifically states that he doesn't want to talk about it because his mother will ask too many questions. When is suppressing a traumatizing situation the healthy way to go? Again, if a woman was protecting her philandering husband, and unwilling to deal with the issue, would you give the same advice?

The son will find out, one way or another, that his mother left them when he was younger. The wife has already moved out. He will ask questions regarding what happened. What should his father say then? Protect her? Why should he? Would a cheating man be protected in this way? If she shows remorse and wishes to atone then the husband and wife can work together to explain to the child that she made a mistake, as humans are prone to do. Otherwise, it's the same old desi face-saving that normally exists in the favour of men, which we are all in favour of abolishing. Surprisingly, many are using the same excuse that people sometimes give abused women: it's for the kids.

53

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Tell the truth so there is closure for everyone. There is no point guarding and living under the weight of this "secret"

Sooner or later kid will know anyway. World is very unlike dramas/movies in which they show other class fellows of kids passing comments about how "tumhari maa tu kisi k saath bhaag gaee ha..ha...ha..". Kids dont do that to other kids so dont worry about it.

54

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Is there a difference between why a woman becomes unfaithful and why a man is unfaithful? A woman does it for love(because there is no love within the marriage? counselling is not wanted? Her husband's gay(get a divorce first!!))? A man does it for sex(because there is a lack of it in the marriage? for variety? lust? love?) does no one have value those marriage vows.

We have absolutely no background on this couple. Why did the wife run off twice. Behind closed doors so much happens with a married couple that we have no clue about it. Regardless of why she ran off. She had a responsibility as a married woman with a child. If she was in love with this other man and she had no value for the marriage she was in, she should've just gotten a divorce first. Thought things through a bit.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

^Please stop propagating this women do it for love bull$hit. They do it for as many reasons as men do, for lust, for attention, for adrenaline, for sex.

56

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

just get rid of her man as soon as possible.......

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

I didn't. I was simply asking why a woman does it and why a man does it. If you could read the rest of what I said it is obviously more complex than just gender issues. Why must everything be based on idiotic gender issues. i said noone knows what happens behind closed doors with a married couple. It is best not to assume she did it for love or lust....

See I can't walk away from your little angry post here. I will defend what I said in my post. did you see my little "?" marks after each gender I mentioned? It's obviously specific to whatever issues the wife is dealing with. I never said she was innocent. I won't judge. Omg read!

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Huge relief phew

I will be honest with you. OP's story and the subsequent responses from your fellow women made me a little uneasy. But now that you've mentioned that we can't know for sure what's been happening behind closed doors, I am relieved. Let's not be quick to judge the poor lady and call her a c***, I am sure she had a good reason to cheat on her husband twice and forsake her kids, like love maybe? But what do I know, I am just a perverted guy who can only think about sex.

59

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Something new everyday.

60

Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

I understand you're not saying the wife is innocent, but women do it for the same reasons as men. There can be many reasons why people breakup you're right. But the reasons aren't gender specific. They're always the same, lust, love, no more love between two people etc; whether its a man or a woman.