wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Lifestyle Relationships
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posting on behalf of a friend:

pakistani couple living in pakistan, both of them educated , have one child

married for 10 years when husband found out that wife was having an extramarital affair with her boss… husband confronted her, she admitted, they had a big fight, she left with her things… left the child behind with the husband, now planning to settle down with the other guy… this happened 6 months ago, husband has been taking care of their son all by himself… both their families live in another city quite faraway and didn’t know all this has happened…the couple visited only once a year so things did not reach them

now after 6 months of separation, husband decided to divorce… told his family…that they had separated and now he is going to divorce her… the husband’s mother is pressurising his son not to divorce her, save his home for the sake of his child, bring her back… blah blah… he has told them he doesn’t want to nor does she want to continue but they aren’t listening…basically the husband’s mother…

he has not told her about the extra marital affair(s)… does not want to, because he thinks it will open up a pandora’s box of who, when, where, proofs, also things are bound to leak to other family members and might come to haunt their son later on etc…

So, the husband does not not how to convince her mother about divorce without telling her about the wife’s infidelities…mother is putting a lot of pressure on her to bring her back…

quick advice appreciated

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

I always think that these "big" decisions are and should be taken by husband and wife only. Once they decide, there's no coming back. Matter of cheating is irrelevant as it seems the wife doesnt want to live with husband at all and the guy gets the point. So he's made a right decision. There'l always be external factors trying but nothing can happen now. Even if they come back , dont think they'll ever live happily. Their past will keep haunting.
Feel bad for the kid. Divorce is indeed a unfortunate event and the kids hv to pay the price as their personality is ruined.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

totally agree..... the decision has been taken my the wife and husband themselves.... the problem with husband's family is that he does not want to tell them about the wife's cheating for the sake of the child.. and without knowing this...the husband's mother is pressurising his son to change his decision and reconcile...... he has tried to make them realize the gravity of the situation and how they have both reached the point of no return, without telling them about the cheating...... but the MIL especially is not ready to understand

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Because a kid is involved, I would suggest that if they can get back together, it will be great. Husband is keeping wife affair, a secret from others. Allah is going to give him ajar for that.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

^ i think OP made it clear there's no point of return. the wife has even moved out and plans on starting a new life with the guy.

well, if he really doesn't want to tell his mum and is keeping in mind the impact it'd have on their child then he needs to just get through the legal proceedings. what can his mum do other than talk to him about the effects of divorce?

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

brother TLK..... the wife is not ready to reconcile.....she has almost moved in with the other guy........ and this is not her first fling, there was another a few years ago, which he forgave for the sake of child

she has been ignoring the child for sometime now,too engrossed in her own "activities"
i do not agree with your statement here...... how does having an immoral woman for a mother going to do the kid any good? and she herself left the child behind

the islamic laws are pretty clear about zina committed by married man and woman...... i don't think they should continue.... especially when the wife was given a chance, maybe more than one, in the past and she went back to her old ways

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Ok lets not judge anybody, if wife's done something she is responsible for her own acts. Its good for the husband that the kid is with him. He should retain the custody.

Btw just curious, what does Pakistani law normally say about the custody issues b/w husband and wife?

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

If he doesn't want to tell his mom, he just has to be firm and say that's it. Waise, that's very strong of him, to not want to expose the affair.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Where is the wife family in all this? Being in Pakistan its not possible that they will be oblivious of this.

The wife "has almost moved in with the other guy" so what is their reaction?

Are they with the husband or supporting their daughter?

In this situation one family (either husband's or wife's) needs to know the truth. If the in-laws are aware the husband can simply divorce her and their acceptance will make the mother of guy calm. If they are not aware then the guy should tell his mother about the truth and tell her to keep it a secret.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Looks like he is a nice guy and am sure he will find someone else willing to marry him and take care of his kid. This is what he should say to his mom, assuming that is all she is worried about. If she is worried about the society/community, there is no convincing her. Just tell her the truth in confidence, so the kid wont find out.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

the wife' mother is actually supporting her, shocking but true...... the other guy is very rich(and old) and she thinks her daughter deserves a better life... the husband BTW had a nice car and provided a full time maid, but apparently this wasn't good enough....
the wife's father dosen't support the decision but there is nothing much he can do about it when his daughter is nearly 40 years old....

their hasn't been much contact between the two families due to the distance involved, the husband's mother wants to call her bahu but the son is not letting her......

i guess he will have to go on without his mother being unhappy with his divorce

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

If the wife's family knows then the son might do one day as well. I'd tell his Mom.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

If he were to pronounce 3 talaqs to her then it would be over, most likely forever. If he did that and told his mom about it, there wouldn't be much she could do.

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Then why this thread if the decision has already been made

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

bro TLK.. the point of the thread was how to handle the situation......

getting family to accept divorce without telling the real reason.......

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Ok sorry. I got confused. Inshallah will come back and add to the thread

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

just kill her and tell kid that she died due to 'natural causes'.

PS Ok please don't kill her in public. i don't want another CNN headline! :(

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

I still think that telling mom that she isnt coming back or ready to pursue this relationship should be enough. Or he can ask her to request a divorce (or Khula) which makes it easy to satisfy mom.
Overall this guy has shown a strong character ofcourse if there is no other side of the story.
Time to move on..

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Divorce the woman and tell the mother, it's done.

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Re: wife had extramarital affair... what to tell family

Adultery is no laughing matter. That person who committed that crime, (and yes, it is), has no business being the parent of any child.

Fine, protect the kids, be the bad guy, keep it private...I get why he's not laying charges on the wife and her lover...but this guy has to move on. *For *the kids sake. I have no idea about this persons background or if they are religiously inclined at all, but from that perspective the marriage is already over with. Touchy-feely BS aside, The Nikkah contract is done...there is no marriage anymore. Kaput. Done. Gone.

I don't think it's a good idea to try and invent elaborate explanations. "We don't get along anymore" is probably as detailed as he'd want to go. The sad part is, there may be no solution for him. He may have to settle for upset family members who consider him some manner of fool. But in time, that will pass.